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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Biggest dilemma of my whole life - Please help

158 replies

Purplecastle · 27/01/2023 22:35

Please help me with my biggest dilemma of my life.

We live in the UK the last 12 years but we are not from the UK. Both myself and my husband come from an Eastern European country and are both well educated and gain very good salaries, together we hit above 6 digit salary. We have British passports and 2 DCs, 3 and 1 years old.

Our parents live back in our home country and we have no other siblings.

We like our lives here, we are well established, we bought our house, we have our car, we are balanced. We live in a nice area and our kids will go to good schools.

Our parents are between 60-75 years old (all 4 of them).

We are at a stage that we have to decide whether to return back for them or not. They are not willing to come and live in the UK and I don't blame them as they are in retirement and have their friends and life back in our home country.

If we stay here we will be financially better and our kids will have a better education.
If we go back we will just about make it financially as a good school there in only a private school.
If we go back would be to be close to our parents at their final years and our kids to grow with their grandparents.
If we stay here our parents will either end up in an elderly house with noone close to them and if they accept to come and live in the UK we won't be able to afford a good elderly care and support for them as it's so expensive.
If we go back our kids will be more citizens of our home country (which is where we feel we belong - at home we speak our home country language) and if we stay here we will raise up British people, which is absolutely fine, but it's not us in a way.

What would you do? Please help as my mind is split between parents and kids and I am totally exhausted....

YABU - Stay in the UK
YANBU - Go back to your home country

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 28/01/2023 08:38

I think I would stay wherever offers the best opportunities for my children.

I never really understand this. Opportunities don’t equal happiness even for the kids - and most kids are just averagely bright, and will do okay relative to wherever they are. I wouldn’t be unhappy for 20 years only for my kids to achieve what they probably could’ve anywhere else (provided there is a decent education system, but only OP knows that). It’s a bit sad to live somewhere you don’t want to for 20 years so your kids can join the rat race.

Benjispruce4 · 28/01/2023 08:39

The grandparents are still young. Revisit the dilemma in 5 years.

vivaespanaole · 28/01/2023 08:41

60 is young.

Even the 75 year old could be 10 years away from needing daily/weekly support.

For now I would keep an open mind and review it on a yearly or 2 yearly basis.

You have to want to be there and also believe it is the best for your kids, the future generation. Otherwise you could be very resentful and being a full time carer is hard work.

Greenfairydust · 28/01/2023 08:43

I always say that you need to put your own family (kids, partner) first.

If you are able to build a better life here for yourself and your children you should stay here.

Have an honest discussion with your parents and make it clear this is your home now and you will not be returning, so planning for their old age needs to take that into account.

''@UrsulaPandress · Yesterday 22:57
You need to decide what is more important. To me, family would trump everything.''

But she has her own family to think of: her children and husband. They will get better opportunities in the UK.

Timesawastin · 28/01/2023 08:44

Family includes YOUR family of couple and children. The posters trying to guilt you about family values - and they are - have conveniently forgotten that.
No way on earth, if my children were to settle abroad, would I expect them to give up their eir new lives on the off chance I might need help.

hopsalong · 28/01/2023 08:44

I disagree with people who say that your children will never feel at home here. I also think it's unlikely that you'll be talking your home language at home in five years. At least it's unlikely that they'll be talking it.

Do you live in London? In my son's primary class (year 1), more than half of 28 children were born outside the UK. Only two have parents who were both born in the UK. The majority are bilingual, but I hear very few who now speak to their parents in their native language in public. My son's best friend is from Albania and now apparently refuses to speak Albanian at home.

How do you feel about all of this? Remember that you will also meet more of a community of people here through school and nursery.

Also, which country do you come from? Poland: I would go back. Ukraine: obviously not. What is the effect of the current war on your region? What does migration look like? It depends on the location, too, city, rural, etc. I personally would not want to leave a global city to live in a village in the middle of nowhere. And I definitely wouldn't want to move to somewhere like Albania only to watch my children setting off again at 18 to London!

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 28/01/2023 08:46

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 28/01/2023 08:30

@ChardonnaysBeastlyCat the difference in the education system between UK and most European countries is still massive though. My friend moved back to our WE country and had a rude awakening (bullying rife at primary school, badly educated and disinterested teachers, school day is 4-5 hours and no after school club, nursery is all free flow, no structure etc)

Have you ever seen on a thread in the Staffroom? Or any of the running teacher threads now?

its the Apocalypse out there, according to those.

Coolheadedbird · 28/01/2023 08:48

Where do you see your kids future? Why unbuild what you spent time building only for them to have to emigrate again?

Just go visit a lot and have ties. I certainly will always have a piece of me in the country of origin.

Take long summer breaks. Go for winter breaks. Basically where can your kids have a sustainable future is where you should go.

SallyWD · 28/01/2023 08:48

It's very tricky and it is a dilemma I understand. My parents and my in-laws live far away and we do feel bad that we're not there to offer day to day help as our parents age.
I would say that Eastern Europe isn't far. It's not like having family in India or Australia. You're earning a good wage and flights are cheap so there's no reason why you can't visit every 6 weeks or so. My in-laws live in Europe and we go there for school holidays. They often come here for a weekend in between. They get flights for 30 euros so it's doable.
Now your parents aren't that old and are presumably living active, independent lives so I can see why they want to stay there. Perhaps when they're older and more frail they will be more willing to move here. Why not ask them?
My children are now 10 and 12 and used to love every minute spent with grandparents. I have to say now they're more interested in seeing friends and this will increase and they enter their teenage years. I feel my MIL built her life around her grandchildren despite the fact she lives in another country. I do think this lovely and it's wonderful how much she loves them. She's a brilliant, doting grandmother. However, I can see now that the children are (emotionally) moving away from the family and finding their own "tribes". I'm kind of pleased we didn't rearrange our whole lives for the grandchildren/grandparents to be physically close. Our children have spent a lot of time with grandparents and have had some wonderful experiences with them but we've enabled this despite living in different countries. Not only have we visited each other a lot, we've gone on holidays to other countries together.
The main issue for me is us not being there for our parents now they're old and frail. It does cause me a lot of sadness and guilt.

Coolheadedbird · 28/01/2023 08:50

Also aged care is cheaper over there you can help them do much more

theleafandnotthetree · 28/01/2023 08:53

Cuppasoupmonster · 28/01/2023 08:38

I think I would stay wherever offers the best opportunities for my children.

I never really understand this. Opportunities don’t equal happiness even for the kids - and most kids are just averagely bright, and will do okay relative to wherever they are. I wouldn’t be unhappy for 20 years only for my kids to achieve what they probably could’ve anywhere else (provided there is a decent education system, but only OP knows that). It’s a bit sad to live somewhere you don’t want to for 20 years so your kids can join the rat race.

Very wise. The great majority of people - including the vast majority of our children in the future will do 'grand' in life, doing ordinary jobs and living ordinary lives. And that's as it should be! Doing ANYTHING as a parent which puts you under great strain or makes you unhappy - such as living in a place or country in which you're unhappy, paying for private education when you can't really afford it, staying in a well paying job which makes you miserable - is a mugs game. Even if your children go on to be what society deems to be 'winners' in life, it's no guarantee of happiness either. Love each other, enjoy each other, encourage and support children to find their interests and the kind of work which suits them, whatever it is and the chances are they'll be just fine.

BreatheAndFocus · 28/01/2023 09:03

OP, I started reading your post expecting to vote that you should stay in the U.K., but I changed my mind - simply because I get the feeling you want to go back to Poland:

If we go back our kids will be more citizens of our home country (which is where we feel we belong - at home we speak our home country language) and if we stay here we will raise up British people, which is absolutely fine, but it's not us in a way

I think you’re torn between your heart and your mind. Your mind is saying you should stay in the U.K. for financial reasons but underneath your heart is wanting to go home to Poland.

So, I voted that you should go back to Poland. The fact you’re even thinking about this when your parents aren’t that old again suggests you really want to go back. Follow your heart! Don’t do what you think you should do - do what you want to do.

Outfor150 · 28/01/2023 09:06

@BreatheAndFocus
Why are you referring to Poland? There’s no mention which country the OP means. And I do think it makes a difference perhaps.

Crumpleton · 28/01/2023 09:16

If we go back our kids will be more citizens of our home country (which is where we feel we belong - at home we speak our home country language) and if we stay here we will raise up British people, which is absolutely fine, but it's not us in a way.

As your post sounded more a concern about your parents than your own happiness I was on the side of you remaining in the UK as you sounded as though you'd made and were 100% happy with your/your DCs lives here.

Having read your above paragraph you say yourself you feel you belong in your home country and if you'll be happier there that really is all that matters.
Follow your gut instincts, it's normally more sensible than your heart.

Exdpisatwat · 28/01/2023 09:24

I think if elderly parents require care from their children in old age, then they need to be prepared to slot into the children's lives. My dad lived on the other side of the UK to me and fully expected me to pull my dc out of school, give up my home, and move across the country into his house to care for him. He lived in a ha home, so when he passed we would have been homeless. I let him know he was welcome to move in with me but he didn't want to as he had lived in that house for over 30 years. It was an absolutely heart wrenching decision and I felt terribly guilty but in the end it was the best for my family.

Nutmegger · 28/01/2023 09:25

I think you should go back. The divide in the mind of the immigrant seldom leaves a person. Some people can happily emigrate, others always feel the split. You clearly feel the split, listen to yourself.

i think the lyrics of the Bob Dylan song I Pity The Poor Immigrant captures it

NameChangedForThissss · 28/01/2023 09:28

I would stay in the UK.

TakeMe2Insanity · 28/01/2023 09:29

I’m on the other end of this journey. In that I chose to make a decision so that it was significant enough that when my parent died unexpectedly I had no regrets. I spent time with my parent, random trips, coffee, seeing the bond between them and the dgc. Things that you can’t build if you visit for a short time.

I’d choose family. It’s the only thing you can’t do again.

Etinoxaurus · 28/01/2023 09:31

We had a similar dilemma and went/ came back to the old country.
BUT the two countries were literally on the opposite sides of the world- the dcs were never going to have a relationship with dgps. And we realised our sc would likely want to spend at least some of their adult life here and away.
The only thing add to the equation is whether your dc would be missing out on higher education opportunities in your home country if you stayed here. Higher education here is £££- if they’d access a better cheaper education there they couldn’t do from here I’d consider it.

Hbh17 · 28/01/2023 09:31

You are NOT respossible for your parents. You do not have to look after them.
You ARE responsible for your children. Their life is in the UK, and so is yours. To me, it seems obvious that you stay in the UK.

wildseas · 28/01/2023 09:34

I had to make this decision in reverse. Was living in a european country when my kids were born where I was well settled, had good friends, a good job and nice quality of life. We spoke English at home and the country language out and about / for childcare etc.

I moved back to the UK in time for the eldest to start school aged 5 in the UK. My parents are 70.

I have really enjoyed reconnecting with childhood friends; eating UK food; meeting people in English. The kids have settled well and feel at home here.

The downsides are that I miss my previous lifestyle; that it took a couple of years before I stopped feeling "foreign" even though I'm from here; that I've struggled to settle into a job I like whereas I had loads of oppertunities abroad. The kids do remember and miss it.

I haven't closed that part of my life completely, and may well spend some time back in that country after the kids leave home.

I don't think that there is one perfect solution - either way you could be happy so you just need to think about what is best for you and the kids.

lifeinthehills · 28/01/2023 09:35

That divide in the mind of the parents passes down to the children too. I lived that.

Waterfallgirl · 28/01/2023 09:38

Their final years.

OP you must do what youwant to do. Is there pressure of sorts from them?

You say they are between 60 and 75 - even the oldest could live another 20 odd years, they are getting on in life I see that but I don’t think they are in their final years.

theworldhas · 28/01/2023 09:39

Out of all the factors you’ve said, I would probably prioritise a better education (whatever that would be) and potentially better opportunities for your kids. I would weigh up whether that would be in your good school here in the UK or in a private school in your home country.

Havign said that, if staying in the UK would make your family (you your partner and children) significantly less happy than returning home, then you can disregard the above. As a happy family unit is probably more important than the benefits of a better education.

I would consider how being away from your parents makes you feel as that impacts your happiness (perhaps by staying in the UK you could save more money to help with their old age?) but I wouldn’t really consider what they “want”. As IMO your and your childrens happiness and well-being needs to be the priority.

Redburnett · 28/01/2023 09:41

No-one can make the decision for you but if your parents are in good health then any decision about a move is not urgent. I feel that family priorities are first children, second partner, and third elderly parents. It's difficult for people like me who have remained in our home country to be certain what we would do but I think in your position I would stay in the UK for the children's education and make frequent trips to your home country in the holidays.