Biggest dilemma of my whole life - Please help

[Purplecastle]

Please help me with my biggest dilemma of my life.

We live in the UK the last 12 years but we are not from the UK. Both myself and my husband come from an Eastern European country and are both well educated and gain very good salaries, together we hit above 6 digit salary. We have British passports and 2 DCs, 3 and 1 years old.

Our parents live back in our home country and we have no other siblings.

We like our lives here, we are well established, we bought our house, we have our car, we are balanced. We live in a nice area and our kids will go to good schools.

Our parents are between 60-75 years old (all 4 of them).

We are at a stage that we have to decide whether to return back for them or not. They are not willing to come and live in the UK and I don't blame them as they are in retirement and have their friends and life back in our home country.

If we stay here we will be financially better and our kids will have a better education.
If we go back we will just about make it financially as a good school there in only a private school.
If we go back would be to be close to our parents at their final years and our kids to grow with their grandparents.
If we stay here our parents will either end up in an elderly house with noone close to them and if they accept to come and live in the UK we won't be able to afford a good elderly care and support for them as it's so expensive.
If we go back our kids will be more citizens of our home country (which is where we feel we belong - at home we speak our home country language) and if we stay here we will raise up British people, which is absolutely fine, but it's not us in a way.

What would you do? Please help as my mind is split between parents and kids and I am totally exhausted....

YABU - Stay in the UK
YANBU - Go back to your home country

You talk about going back for your parents' 'final years' but at 65-75 they could easily be around another 15-20 years!

Your children could be at University before they need support.

What is your relationship like with your parents and in-laws? And do you have rose tinted glasses re what it would be like if you moved back for them? I only say this because my visits to my own parents are getting harder each time, they’re knackered hosting us and seem to be retreating into their own company. I’d be gutted if I moved closer expecting lots of quality family time and then that didn’t really happen. To get the more regular family time I think you’d need to live really close by which is perhaps different to just moving back to your home country.

I live in Eastern Europe and my Mum was living in U.K. Pre and post pandemic I managed to go back and see her for a weekend (at least) every 6-8 weeks. It was enough for both of us. She had her life and friends where she was, and I just got in the way - “Don’t come on a Friday, that’s when I go on the shopping bus, Tuesday I go to the Over 60s Club.”

She died suddenly a few months ago. She had a stroke three days before I was due to go on holiday. I went back to see her, and then went on holiday (she was adamant that we not cancel the holiday). I went straight back after the holiday (essentially commuting) and was with her when she died. She was 90 and had been fine until she had her stroke.

What I’m trying to say is that you probably have years yet, before you make the decision to go back. DH’s parents are in their 80s and still going strong.

Be aware that if you do go back, you won’t be going back to the same place you left. What does your life in your home country look like if, Heaven forbid, your parents die quickly after you move back? Would you stay with no parents there?

I think I would stay wherever offers the best opportunities for my children. However I don’t know where that is! My children and I are dual citizens so we can hedge our bets to some extent.

Either way, I’m glad you have done well in the UK and hope you feel welcome here.

You need to go where you will be happier day to day - thinking about what is better for DC/finances ‘in the long run’ doesn’t really work as the long run is 20+ years and if you’re not happy that’s a very long time. Good luck!

This is a really difficult one.

I think what you're effectively weighing up is the end of your parents' lives and the start of your children's. Do you think your children would be better or worse off growing up in your home country? What would their prospects be?

And just throwing it out there. Could you two work remotely from home country in school holidays? Or at least one of you go at a time? That's 13 weeks of the year you could provide support.

It's not quite the same. When my dad left my mum though she thought about moving back home for support, and to be there for grandparents as they aged (about 5 hour drive). She decided not to given the prospects for me and my sister. It did make things difficult when my grandparents needed help (Alzheimers, cancer) but we got through it. My sister and I were independent teens then able to care for ourselves and help where we could.

We went back to our home country just before Covid after 25 years in the UK to be closer to our parents, having our London-born DS grow up there etc — but I’ll be honest, the decision was made easier by Brexit. The UK, while I retain a deep sense of connection to it, was becoming somewhere I no longer really wanted to live, my professional field was badly hit by leaving the EU, and where we lived was becoming a much more difficult place to be a foreigner.

I won’t lie, OP, it’s been a challenging couple of years psychologically and materially, even though it was ultimately the right decision for us.

If I were you I'd stay another 5 years and save as much as you can. Money gives you options. Keep speaking the home language.

I assume you are probably in London from the salaries. State funded good quality education is not to be sniffed at if in your home country you'd have to pay. There are so many dual heritage kids in London too. Your DC will not stick out.

Look to gradually change career paths to ones that involve homeworking and can be done remotely. That will give you more options.

I have a similar situation, in that I live in a different European country than my parents. My daughter was born here.
I honestly don't want to move back to my home country, so my compromise is to spend a lot of the school holidays in my parents' country - usually a week every quarter.
My parents are still very independent and have their own lives so the extended visits suit us all for now.
It does mean we don't get to go on holidays anywhere else really, but...meh.

Stay in the UK - I am in a similar position (European with kids in the Uk) and I would never go back. My children’s opportunities and education mean everything to me. They are the future and you owe it to them.

You say you wouldn’t be able to afford elderly care over here for your parents. On 6 figures income you would be able to especially if you are saving now as your parents are young.
Also you could save hard for the next couple of years and live well in your home country. Save all the school fees?
Only you can make the decision ultimately but time moves on and with parents in their 60/70s this is the prime enjoyable part of family-life and grandparenting for you all. Could they even help with childcare if you did move to help with costs. All things to consider.

I think if you still speak your home language here you don't really feel like Britain is your home anyway and neither will your children so it is a case of money v home and family. I would always choose family so long as you can economically cover your costs in your home country. Surely you realised this decision would come sometime?

We relocated away from my parents and DH parents just 250 miles from one side of UK to the other over 30 years ago. DHs mum moved near us in her later years and we make the effort to visit my mum regularly but I have siblings who live near her so she is not alone. I don't regret it as my children had a better life down here and settled down here as adults but I feel for my mum who missed out on years with my children and now great grandchildren. Sadly it is a modern day dilemma.

@MarvelMrs I assume they have to pay childcare for both children and have a mortgage/rent. If they live somewhere like London no chance they can afford care on top of that.

There’s no indication that the OP lives in London. The fact that they live in a nice area, have bought their house and a car probably indicates they don’t. 6 figures between two people might mean 50k each.

I generally think the OP should stay in the UK, except that lots of East Europeans I know have returned to their home countries because their prospects and quality of life, healthcare etc are better there. So, do research carefully the differences.

You are making a decision on the now and then, but the reality is that many EA countries are developing faster than the UK and the UK is quite frankly in a bit of a mess, so the difference in life might not be as stark as you expect.

I have a rogue then somewhere.

Having lost two parents, and deeply loving the parents I would go back for them .
Just not perhaps right now.

If you get on and the DC like them and vice versa I think those are crucial bonds and memories.

Life is more than ££.

I would just perhaps wait a little.
What does DH want?

100% stay my kids come first.

@ChardonnaysBeastlyCat the difference in the education system between UK and most European countries is still massive though. My friend moved back to our WE country and had a rude awakening (bullying rife at primary school, badly educated and disinterested teachers, school day is 4-5 hours and no after school club, nursery is all free flow, no structure etc)

Stay here but send money back to help with their care. Your priority is your kids not your parents

This for me. I’d do what I could to support my family but my priority would be my children’s future.

I think you're right to feel the pull of home. It sounds as if you're not fully settled here and never will be, and I admire you for wanting to care for your parents and make the grandchild - parent relationship as strong as it can be.

How do your parents actually get on with your children? Are they eager and attentive grandparents? I've known more than one person move to be closer to their own parents, only to find that their parents are now busy in retirement with their own friends and an endless number of activities, and have no desire to look after their grandchildren, have them to stay etc, which they see as 'doing childcare'.

BUT I would stay here for 3-5 more years if you can, making sure that your children are in full-time nursery and school for the duration. This is for the simple reason that they will at that point have become native speakers of English, with perfect accents and an intuitive knowledge of the grammar. They will forget some of this when you move back, but it will return later when learning formally (if they wish). This is a lifelong gift for anyone from an non-English speaking country, and will enhance their future career significantly.

I'd go home.

I have similarly divided loyalties and family in Europe but my mother is here so it's more of a balance. I have no choice about moving back because my DH is British and claims it's impossible to live there as he doesn't speak German. I've given up asking after the absolute bullshit of him encouraging me to apply for a job in Germany and then seemingly being very shocked when I got the job. At which point he admitted he'd just encouraged me because he thought I'd get rejected.🙄

Remember if you move home, more than likely, your children will leave your home country eventually, and you will spend your old age alone. That's life. I live in lreland where a lot of young people emigrate and parents often have to manage without them later.
l would look at your own life. Are you both happy in the uK? Do you both have friends, good connections and are building a good network around you? If so stay. If you feel you would have more friends, familiarity at home go! But maybe not for another while. I am in my 60s and in no way would l expect my dc to be thinking of minding me in my old age. My own dps only needed help in their 80s at which time my dc were grown so l was more flexible. A lot of my similar aged friends have all their dc abroad usually in Australia and as far as l can see have no expectations for them to come home.
My gut feeling would be stay in the UK with regular visits home and hopefully some visits from them too. Maybe you paying for the flights would encourage them as l am sure you would do.