To expect DH to put on a 'brave face'

[PabloPablo]

DH has anxiety. He refuses to seek help for it. Or rather he says 'yes yes, i'll book the GP/research therapists' etc and then nothing ever happens.

He recently booked a boys trip to Barcelona. He hasn't been away for 5 years. And all he can talk about is the plane crashing and "the kids growing up without a dad".This will sound harsh but I do think he exaggerates this a bit for some reason.

We have never taken the DC on holiday (2 and 3). We are planning a trip. He already said he didn't want to fly with them - so we are going by ferry and driving. But already this is now up for debate.

DC (3) is an anxious little boy. Nursery have referred him for poss ASD. As an example, he went to a 4th birthday party at the weekend and he spent a lot of it on my lap with his hood up. But he did eventually join in. He talks about 'so scary mummy' a lot. But he does get into stuff. And he has no fears physically.

Anyway - the question is - I have said to DH that if we are going on holiday i need him to not talk about being scared. Not chat about car crashes. Or plane etc. DS (3) isn't very verbal so I think DH forgets he understands everything.

I think DH thinks I am being very unsympathetic to his anxiety by being a bit harsh with him. But I feel it is our role to make DS feel safe and secure.

Is it fair enough to ask him to pretend to not feel anxious?

He’ll fly to go on holiday with his friends when he’s never taken his kids on holiday, the oldest of whom is 5? I’d be cheerfully replying ‘hope so’ to the plane crash fears.

Sorry, 3 not 5, I misread. Point stands though.

I sympathise with his anxiety, but clearly it's now presenting in your child and could be prevented.

I think there's a big difference between "feeling anxious" and scaring your children witless talking about plane crashes etc.

If he struggles with anxiety he deserves compassion and support and I think in an age-appropriate way its fine for him to admit in front of the children that he is nervous about flying etc.

But he should absolutely not be making apocalyptic remarks about plane crashes etc. That's setting his kids up to be terrified of everything.

Also he's apparently happy to fly with his friends but not with his family and I bet good money he's not telling "the boys" that the plane is going to crash. He can clearly keep a lid on it for them so why can't he do it for his kids?

My dh had massive anxiety about the dentist..so much so he had never seen one as an adult. Ever.
When ds came along and had his first appointment dh went along. He was referred for treatment and had 6 teeth out and lots of work done.
As an example to our ds.
Your dh needs to sort himself out. Even if that means therapy.
Tell him that is called parenting.

He’s being incredibly unfair to you, you have to carry the mental load of his anxiety while he gets the two holidays he wants. He has to get help and not dump on you

I have ASD and anxiety.

i am well aware that my job as a parent is to not impart my foibles on my child.
your DH needs to recognize this immediately.

he also needs to understand that he is the best person in the world to help your son with anxiety. He can only do that if he addresses his own issues. If he does, then he will be positioned to talk to your son about how he has felt the same, but then he can describe the techniques he uses to deal with his own anxiety, obviously at an age appropriate level.

So how come he is able to fly with his friends?!

His behaviour is impacting on your child, he needs to check. DH has rituals about leaving the house, checking the doors, gas, windows etc. he is like it because his mum is the same. It's infuriating and I don't want it becoming something our kids do. We have argued about it.

Children are not born with phobias, they’re either learnt from others or developed through experience. Please don’t let your husband make your children as anxious as he is, it’s really unfair.

I share your dh's travel anxiety - I do put on a brave face for my dc, but inside I am dying. It is really difficult to get to the GP with anxiety because you have to make a phone call (hard with anxiety) and jump through all the extra hoops they created during the pandemic (also hard).

Two of my dc have a diagnosis of ASD and I suspect those genes have come from me - my anxiety can be obsessive and extreme, especially when there is something like a flight hanging over me, my brain is never quiet.

My SIL has anxiety, I have a lot of sympathy for her and I know she can’t help it but she has passed it on to her DC, especially the youngest.
We took him somewhere recently (with her permission) and he agreed to do the activity but I noticed that all the time he was muttering “not safe, not safe” under his breath. I asked him if he wanted to stop and he said that he didn’t as he was trying to be brave even though something bad could happen. This activity was actually completely safe and not something most children would be scared of.
I actually hate flying but my DC only found out recently (teens) because I used to put a brave face on.
We absolutely can pass our irrational fears onto our DC and when possible it’s our job to make them feel safe, not frighten the life out of them

Kids are like sponges. He needs to be modelling the reaction he wishes he felt. My DS also has ASD and has a real fear of germs, washing hands, getting sick ect. I think covid times and my DH being somewhat overly cautious have not helped.

When my oldest was young and I was a single parent I had a real dental phobia, never went to the dentist, couldn’t watch or listen to anything dental related, couldn’t walk down the street where the dental surgery was etc. My oldest never knew I was phobic though cause when they came home from school talking about childsmile etc I managed to keep a lid on my anxiety til they were in bed. My mum used to take them to the dentist for me, so that they didn’t see my absolute terror. In the meantime I got myself a dentist who specialised in phobic patients and over a very long period of time I managed to build myself up to getting dental treatment all for my kids sake so that they never “ learned” to be scared of the dentist. Parents need to do all they can in order for their kids to feel safe about normal routine things, there are plenty of things as a parent you need to make them wary of if you make them terrified of everything, how will they ever learn to risk assess for themselves?

I understand where he's coming from not wanting to fly with the children. I get very anxious flying but it's a lot easier without the children as I can just pop a few sleeping pills and shut my eyes for the duration of the flight.

As long as you are getting an equally attractive "girls trip" and are happy with the family holiday plan then I'd let that issue slide.

Re the plane/car crash talk absolutely he shouldn't be doing that in front of the children. It's not something that anyone needs to be afraid of. I used to be totally fine flying and then had a traumatic experience with some turbulence and now have a panic attack when I fly. I wish so badly that I could go back to how I was before! I'll never inflict that fear on my children if I can help it.

i'm phobic of needles. to make sure I don't pass the phobia to the kids, DH has taken them to all vaccinations. that is what needs to happen for them.

your DH needs to put the kids first. but that might also mean doing a very small scale holiday that he can cope with, rather than trying to hide his fear (which they will pick up on too).

I do think he needs to get help with it - or find a way to manage it and keep your children shielded from it. In my experience (I’m sure there will be plenty of people who will disagree), holidays with kids of that age are really hard work anyway. Can you start small and build up to more adventurous holidays when they’re a smidge older?

Absolutely he needs to. My H used to get panic attacks in certain situations, flying was one of them. He said exactly the same as you about never wanting it to show for our kids, and it was that which means he's pretty much beaten it now.

I have a phobia of flying. I used to take valium, drink, have a thousand logical and illogical ways of managing it.

Once DD came along, it's mostly gone. Because faking it until I made it worked. I breezily got on planes, saying, "won't this be fun?" Until I felt it. Plus on the plane when I thought about crashing I would think, "DD will have her mum with her and she's the one that matters". And I just spent all my time managing my fears so DD wouldn't know.

It IS possible, even with a severe illogical feeling. Very hard, but it is possible.

It's unfair to ask him not to feel anxious, however, fear mongering will do more harm than good -- esp for kids.

In all honesty, I think he's not doing too well, and this is why he says those things, to get some help and attention and care.

If DH finds this too stressful, perhaps he can try a smaller trip by himself? Zou can encourage him gently.

This seems like A LOT all at once, and I wouldn't want him being flooded by fear. The more he tries to suppress his anxiety, the more it will be there if that makes sense

I was pretty arachnophobic before I had children but I was determined not to pass that on, so I’ve had to swallow down my horror of spiders and say insane (to me) things like “look at all the eyes! How interesting!” and “oh look, poking around in that log, you’ve found a spiders home, let’s say hello shall we?!”

you can have a fear or an anxiety and not talk about it in front of children. I mean, you don’t just blurt out everything all the time, so tell him that you have sympathy, but he needs to not ever talk about these irrational fears in front of your child unless it’s a “I feel nervous of flying, but I know it’s not a real fear, so I’m going to do it anyway” conversation.

He is passing his anxiety onto his children so he needs to seek help.

@Ozgirl75 👏

Oh and I’m also way less scared of spiders these days. Clearly bigging them up the kids has somehow worked on my own brain too.

This seems like A LOT all at once, and I wouldn't want him being flooded by fear. The more he tries to suppress his anxiety, the more it will be there if that makes sense

Actually, flooding is a known treatment for phobias! As is smaller version (driving holiday) bigger version (flying). For it to work however, he needs to sit with the fear, breathe through it, work on it. Not endlessly talk about his fears with his partner and children. THAT will increase his fears.

This is why he should seek help, because it is treatable, depending on what it it.

If I had to say, "look at the lovely Bee Friend" one more time!

But you're right, I still hate wasps but I think I could pick up a bee now. Instead of running screaming.