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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to put on a 'brave face'

133 replies

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 14:25

DH has anxiety. He refuses to seek help for it. Or rather he says 'yes yes, i'll book the GP/research therapists' etc and then nothing ever happens.

He recently booked a boys trip to Barcelona. He hasn't been away for 5 years. And all he can talk about is the plane crashing and "the kids growing up without a dad".This will sound harsh but I do think he exaggerates this a bit for some reason.

We have never taken the DC on holiday (2 and 3). We are planning a trip. He already said he didn't want to fly with them - so we are going by ferry and driving. But already this is now up for debate.

DC (3) is an anxious little boy. Nursery have referred him for poss ASD. As an example, he went to a 4th birthday party at the weekend and he spent a lot of it on my lap with his hood up. But he did eventually join in. He talks about 'so scary mummy' a lot. But he does get into stuff. And he has no fears physically.

Anyway - the question is - I have said to DH that if we are going on holiday i need him to not talk about being scared. Not chat about car crashes. Or plane etc. DS (3) isn't very verbal so I think DH forgets he understands everything.

I think DH thinks I am being very unsympathetic to his anxiety by being a bit harsh with him. But I feel it is our role to make DS feel safe and secure.

Is it fair enough to ask him to pretend to not feel anxious?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 27/01/2023 17:03

I have anxiety. It’s not rational and sometimes very difficult for me to deal with.

BUT I go to therapy, take beta blockers when it’s bad, go to GP, reduce alcohol, do cardio almost every day, get enough sleep.

Basically I do every single thing I possibly can to control my anxiety. It’s hard work. And my partner sees everything I do to control it.

So when I do get anxious and it affects him, which is very occasional, he doesn’t mind helping me deal with it.

I think YANBU because your OH isn’t doing everything he can to help himself. It’s impacting you and your kids.

steff13 · 27/01/2023 17:24

I have terrible anxiety, and I am terrified of the dentist. Because of that I have trouble forcing myself to go to the dentist. Also because of that I have ensured that my children are comfortable and happy to go to the dentist. I always talk it up, I always make it a fun adventure, like they get to have McDonald's afterwards and they maybe even get to pick out a treat, they go to a dentist who's nice and fun. And I never, ever tell them how scared I am. It's fine for your husband to be scared. It's not fine for him to talk about it in front of the kids.

Johntoewba · 27/01/2023 17:29

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 14:25

DH has anxiety. He refuses to seek help for it. Or rather he says 'yes yes, i'll book the GP/research therapists' etc and then nothing ever happens.

He recently booked a boys trip to Barcelona. He hasn't been away for 5 years. And all he can talk about is the plane crashing and "the kids growing up without a dad".This will sound harsh but I do think he exaggerates this a bit for some reason.

We have never taken the DC on holiday (2 and 3). We are planning a trip. He already said he didn't want to fly with them - so we are going by ferry and driving. But already this is now up for debate.

DC (3) is an anxious little boy. Nursery have referred him for poss ASD. As an example, he went to a 4th birthday party at the weekend and he spent a lot of it on my lap with his hood up. But he did eventually join in. He talks about 'so scary mummy' a lot. But he does get into stuff. And he has no fears physically.

Anyway - the question is - I have said to DH that if we are going on holiday i need him to not talk about being scared. Not chat about car crashes. Or plane etc. DS (3) isn't very verbal so I think DH forgets he understands everything.

I think DH thinks I am being very unsympathetic to his anxiety by being a bit harsh with him. But I feel it is our role to make DS feel safe and secure.

Is it fair enough to ask him to pretend to not feel anxious?

He’s obviously got a problem so he has 2 choices. 1 seek professional help and get it sorted or 2 pull his big boy pants up and man up!

MotherOfHouseplants · 27/01/2023 17:31

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 16:36

The thing about him exaggerating - is that he has flown quite a few times before for fun things since Ive known him and he just says 'it's differnet'

I remember once at the start of our relationshp - we went to a wedding in Greece - and we were flying back together - and he was hyperventiling and doing shots of vodka at the bar and pacing - and i was trying to calm him down and we bumped into a bloke who had been at the same wedding and he became totally normal.

He obviously says i'm really cruel because he was 'putting on a front' in front of the other guy but I sometimes think some of the lying on the floor stuff is to get my attention more than anything

GAH - i feel like a right cow writing that down.

That sounds very much like masking, which is a common autistic behaviour. Many autistic people are incredibly skilled at putting on a very convincing front and then crumble once they are in their safe space with their safe person. This is not to make you feel worse - it is very frustrating to live with - but further evidence that there is a significant need and he has got to seek some professional help.

Aishah231 · 27/01/2023 17:44

I think you need to challenge his fears in a way which young children will understand. Unfortunately that means mocking him, i.e don't be such a baby. It sounds harsh but it's the only way other than leaving him to counter his influence on the children. I'd warn him I was going to do it and why I was doing it. If he's selfish enough to carry on talking about his fears in front of his children knowing the damage it's doing then he deserves it.

Algor1thm · 27/01/2023 17:44

Absolutely not on to pass his fear of flying onto his kids - he should be doing everything he can to hide it from them. He can't help being terrified and if he doesn't want to fly that's understandable, but doesn't make any sense that he can apparently go on a lads trip...

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/01/2023 17:49

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 16:36

The thing about him exaggerating - is that he has flown quite a few times before for fun things since Ive known him and he just says 'it's differnet'

I remember once at the start of our relationshp - we went to a wedding in Greece - and we were flying back together - and he was hyperventiling and doing shots of vodka at the bar and pacing - and i was trying to calm him down and we bumped into a bloke who had been at the same wedding and he became totally normal.

He obviously says i'm really cruel because he was 'putting on a front' in front of the other guy but I sometimes think some of the lying on the floor stuff is to get my attention more than anything

GAH - i feel like a right cow writing that down.

I would have zero patience with this but then I would not marry an overly anxious person either. Such a turn off.

EconomyClassRockstar · 27/01/2023 17:57

If he can put on a front for a random guest at a wedding, he can do it for his children too. I'm another one who is terrified of flying but my children have no idea what goes on in my head when we are on a plane and we still fly several times a year.

Justmeandme19 · 27/01/2023 17:58

I would think long and hard about the dynamics of your relationship. Yes anxiety is horrendous (I've had it). But he's not seeking help and it's negatively effecting your child. That's not ok!
You may get to the point (or it may have already happened) that family life is controlled by your husband because of all his anxieties. He needs to take control of his anxiety and seek help.

Lovinmyblanket · 27/01/2023 17:58

I would definitely book separate seats - he can sit on his own somewhere on the plane and you would have to sit with both dc, but that's still better than them hearing this. He can still be scared, he just has to rein it in when the dc are there

MavisFlump · 27/01/2023 18:01

TheDogIsTooEarlyForTea · 27/01/2023 15:44

You are more patient than me. I'd have given him a short, sharp "shut the fuck up" and too bad if I'm not sympathetic to him.

He is making a good attempt at ruining his children's childhood by constantly verbalising any old shit that it occurs to him to be scared of. The least he can do is keep it to adult only conversations.

Me too, what a selfish arse.
My sister has completely effed up her son with her anxieties and obsessive behaviour, he’s mid-30’s and barely functioning as an adult.
I don’t know how my BIL puts up with her, she has absolutely no intention of seeking help.

FurAndFeathers · 27/01/2023 18:08

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 16:36

The thing about him exaggerating - is that he has flown quite a few times before for fun things since Ive known him and he just says 'it's differnet'

I remember once at the start of our relationshp - we went to a wedding in Greece - and we were flying back together - and he was hyperventiling and doing shots of vodka at the bar and pacing - and i was trying to calm him down and we bumped into a bloke who had been at the same wedding and he became totally normal.

He obviously says i'm really cruel because he was 'putting on a front' in front of the other guy but I sometimes think some of the lying on the floor stuff is to get my attention more than anything

GAH - i feel like a right cow writing that down.

So he can put on a brave face for a stranger in a bar but not for his children?
he can manage his anxiety to go out with his mates but not with his family?
he’s entirely unwilling to take any constructive steps to deal with it

honestly @PabloPablo he may or may not have anxiety. What is clear is that whatever it is, it’s very manageable when he chooses to manage it.

he chooses not to manage it with you because it seems to be a way of controlling you and keeping him at the centre of your attention. To the extent that he’s willing to risk the well-being of your children as long as it means he gets attention.

he sounds incredibly selfish

ElizabethZott · 27/01/2023 18:10

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 16:36

The thing about him exaggerating - is that he has flown quite a few times before for fun things since Ive known him and he just says 'it's differnet'

I remember once at the start of our relationshp - we went to a wedding in Greece - and we were flying back together - and he was hyperventiling and doing shots of vodka at the bar and pacing - and i was trying to calm him down and we bumped into a bloke who had been at the same wedding and he became totally normal.

He obviously says i'm really cruel because he was 'putting on a front' in front of the other guy but I sometimes think some of the lying on the floor stuff is to get my attention more than anything

GAH - i feel like a right cow writing that down.

Where is he lying on the floor? In the middle of the living room? It sounds like there is a "performance" element to it (i.e. attention seeking.) I suffer with anxiety but I just retreat so I will stay in bed or in a different part of the house from my DH so he doesn't have to deal with me. Re. Greece when your DH clicked into "normal"mode when meeting someone, that is perfectly possible. Putting on a facade when inside you're completely freaking out doesn't mean the anxiety is an act.

YANBU expecting him to remove himself from the DCs vicinity if he's having a panic attack / meltdown. He should try his utmost not to expose them to it. Also YANBU to demand he gets help. CBT would probably benefit him. Talk through with a stranger why he thinks that driving in France would be so much more risky than driving round the M25 all day, etc. If his anxiety were only affecting him, then I'd say it's 100% up to him whether to seek help or not. But as it's impacting on you and the children, he has a duty to you all to do everything he can to improve it.

If he keeps panicking about the flying, though - tell him to cancel it. No way should he be expecting you to carry this huge emotional load just for the sake of a jolly boys outing. It may or may not be worth it for a family holiday, that's up to you to decide.

There is an option 3 - you go on a lovely holiday yourself leaving him home to look after the DC. Given that you've not had a holiday for three years, presumably he has plenty of annual leave he can take.

PontifiKaty · 27/01/2023 18:25

He sounds like an absolute nightmare OP. If he is capable of putting on a front for anyone then he should be doing it for the kids.

The more you feed these things the worse they get.

ihaveopinions · 27/01/2023 18:25

Anxiety is an illogical thing. He doesn't want to fly in certain circumstances but can face up to it in others? Disaster scenarios in his head about flying but not about ferries sinking? Can manage driving on the M25 but not abroad? (That one, I understand more!) Can put a brave face on sometimes.......

It must be very trying for you but it will probably only improve if he gets professional help. Can anyone else push him in this direction?

2bazookas · 27/01/2023 18:44

Not so "anxious" he can't fly off on a boys holiday, eh? He's playing you.

You can see the damage he's causing to DC. The mystery is why YOU are putting on a brave face and letting him abuse you and the children.

Sleepless1096 · 27/01/2023 18:47

MiddleParking · 27/01/2023 14:28

He’ll fly to go on holiday with his friends when he’s never taken his kids on holiday, the oldest of whom is 5? I’d be cheerfully replying ‘hope so’ to the plane crash fears.

😂.

Sleepless1096 · 27/01/2023 18:50

PabloPablo · 27/01/2023 16:36

The thing about him exaggerating - is that he has flown quite a few times before for fun things since Ive known him and he just says 'it's differnet'

I remember once at the start of our relationshp - we went to a wedding in Greece - and we were flying back together - and he was hyperventiling and doing shots of vodka at the bar and pacing - and i was trying to calm him down and we bumped into a bloke who had been at the same wedding and he became totally normal.

He obviously says i'm really cruel because he was 'putting on a front' in front of the other guy but I sometimes think some of the lying on the floor stuff is to get my attention more than anything

GAH - i feel like a right cow writing that down.

I'd insist on travelling separately. He can travel on his own and you can travel with the kids. The last thing you need is a third adult child to look after alongside the other two. He needs to find ways to manage his anxiety rather than making it into wifework for you.

20thCenturyWolf · 27/01/2023 18:56

@PabloPablo I think what @MotherOfHouseplants says about 'masking' could be on the money. Lots of people with ASD mask in public - it's exhausting for them.

I think it's telling that you also mention he ticks. Many ND disorders exist co-morbidly. My eldest DD has non-verbal Tourettes, severe OCD, an Eating Disorder, Selective Mutism, & probable ASD too. Diagnoses, medication & therapy have helped lots. What another PP said about needing help accessing help might be exactly what he needs.

On the 'learned phobias' issue - my youngest is now terrified of spiders, due to my mother's inability to deal with her terror of them in front of my kids. It took her a good 8 or 9 years to eventually learn the phobia (I'm not bothered by them so have always been calm), but learn she did. Thanks mum! 🙄😡

Barleysugar86 · 27/01/2023 21:22

I am a very scared flyer, and I do so much to not let it show. I talk to my kids about how exciting it is and how pretty in the air. My husband sits next to them so I can hide my head in his shoulder and concentrate on my breathing when it overwhelms me. When they are older, yes they might start to notice, but if you asked them now they'd say I love flying.

I also am quite scared of spiders, but when I see one I want my husband to take out I always call out to him 'there's a spider gotten lost again! Want to help him back to his home?' and get the kids to come look at it with me. Once its safely caught of course.

I find the parenting instinct is surprisingly able to take precedent over my anxieties because I'm always so hyper aware of what they might pick up.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/01/2023 22:25

Children learn from parents so if he is excessively anxious he will be teaching his kids that.

Timesawastin · 28/01/2023 10:32

cassiatwenty · 27/01/2023 15:15

Erm...😵

Cute and fluffy. I love them...

curvymumma79 · 28/01/2023 10:36

Yes, I personally feel he needs to put a brave face on.

This isn't the same, but the same principle - I'm scared of spiders, but I haven't told DD3 that. When we find one we give it a name, and watch what it does. She is forever picking them up and playing with them - which is horrifying to me, but I don't show it.

billy1966 · 28/01/2023 11:12

What in God's name are you doing throwing your life away with this PITA.

Start seriously thinking of going it alone.

Life with be much easier without a manchild.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 28/01/2023 12:29

I never knew my DM was anxious about the dentist until I was an adult and she told me. She hasn't wanted to pass the anxiety on to me and my sister.

I don't let DS know I'm phobic of wasps. He knows I'm not keen on them, but I talk positively about how interesting they are and he's not scared of them.

The OPs DH does sound a bit dramatic, but everyone is different. I have panic attacks in public sometimes, but you'd never know, other people can't hide them, or are limited in how much they can. I do think masking fairly briefly of you bump into someone is different to having to maintain it all the time - but then, particularly as a parent, you have to take responsibility and get help.

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts DS is very anxious, but there must be a genetic element as there's anxiety on both my side and DHs side of the family. DS is also awaiting assessment for ASD as well.