To expect DH to put on a 'brave face'

[PabloPablo]

DH has anxiety. He refuses to seek help for it. Or rather he says 'yes yes, i'll book the GP/research therapists' etc and then nothing ever happens.

He recently booked a boys trip to Barcelona. He hasn't been away for 5 years. And all he can talk about is the plane crashing and "the kids growing up without a dad".This will sound harsh but I do think he exaggerates this a bit for some reason.

We have never taken the DC on holiday (2 and 3). We are planning a trip. He already said he didn't want to fly with them - so we are going by ferry and driving. But already this is now up for debate.

DC (3) is an anxious little boy. Nursery have referred him for poss ASD. As an example, he went to a 4th birthday party at the weekend and he spent a lot of it on my lap with his hood up. But he did eventually join in. He talks about 'so scary mummy' a lot. But he does get into stuff. And he has no fears physically.

Anyway - the question is - I have said to DH that if we are going on holiday i need him to not talk about being scared. Not chat about car crashes. Or plane etc. DS (3) isn't very verbal so I think DH forgets he understands everything.

I think DH thinks I am being very unsympathetic to his anxiety by being a bit harsh with him. But I feel it is our role to make DS feel safe and secure.

Is it fair enough to ask him to pretend to not feel anxious?

The not getting help is the bit that gets me. There is help he can get. And it's probably effecting you all far more than you realise. It's only when my DH is away for a bit, or I'm away for a bit, and my shoulders relax, that I realise how much.

He has got help for it and is much better. I've also learned to ignore him - but I'm not a 3 year old child.

I'd be insisting on him getting help...it's not something that's going to go away on its own.

@MrsTerryPratchett Very wise, thank you!

Also, look at the lovely Bee Friend 🐝🐝🐝😅

Actually one thing that worked brilliantly for me was moving to Australia. Drastic I know, but now the only spiders that bother me are the huntsman ones as they’re so big and scuttly. Now I’m back in the U.K. and I can calmly pick up and move spindly ones (we even have one named Christine in the bathroom, that was literally hanging above me in the shower) and there was a big black one on a log the other day and I just flicked it away.

I think YANBU to ask him to not verbalise his fears in front of your DS. As your DS is too young to understand anxiety and he would be frightened by talk of crashes and such.

I can sympathise with your DH as I actually have no showed on my own 25th anniversary flight to Spain. The whole night I was convinced the plane was going to crash and could not get out of bed to go to the airport. Travel insurance paid out though as I got a doctors note that I’d had a panic attack and I have gotten help for my anxiety, so the diagnosis is in my medical records and I had disclosed it to the travel insurer.

That’s one advantage of getting help, because if your DH ends up not going on this trip he has booked, you will both be out of pocket for it.

So anxiety is not something that can be controlled and no one wants to have horrible visions of dying in a crash going round their mind on a constant replay. So he does need support in this as well, he should be able to express his fears to you in private. But you’re not a therapist, so not saying he can use you like one.

Erm...😵

My dude! Some warning would be nice 😂

🤣🤣🤣

Well I thought my comment was too harsh to post but after reading yours I’ll add that he’s lucky to have a partner and children at all if he spends so much time whimpering about things like travel. (While still flying if it’s with his friends, of course.)

Most of us with anxiety know to restrain our reactions in front of kids at the very least.

It's unfair to ask him not to feel anxious,

But he's not doing anything about it either.

My DH has anxiety & depression, he recognised it was an issue & sought treatment. Takes his medication like clockwork, went to therapy & engages with techniques a It's unfair to ask him not to feel anxious, to manage it as necessary.

yanbu

I am prone to catastrophizing and worrying but I do my best not to discuss this out loud because I don't want my kids to end up the same. They are teens/young adults and have worries but are "braver" so enjoy their lives more imo. Worrying has held me back but I think that I have been a good role model to my kids who have seen me do things out of my comfort zone.

Your h can discuss his worries but doing it away from the kids so out of earshot, writing things down etc I agree that he will make his kids anxious by talking about it so much.

And my DH definitely doesn't let it show to DD, she has no idea he has anxiety

@Ozgirl75 😂 So sorry, I had to look them up and I was shocked to see them, it's like oxen sized, I had to check if these were what you mentioned 💞

You are brave!!

@ChimChimeny He probably needs some help to get there. If he could fix it all by himself, he'd do it, I'm guessing

He needs to get a bloody grip, the world and most importantly his child doesn't revolve around his anxiety. Especially if he's doing sweet fuck all about it.
Selfish tosser.

I voted yabu due to the fact he's managing fine a trip with his mates

Very very anxious but got over it to book a boys trip to Barcelona? Bullshit. He's utilising a worry to get away from going away with you all, and fucking up his kids. Sorry.

My mum has high anxiety and is really risk averse, catastrophizes and spent my childhood verbalising all of this to me or around me. As a result I grew up terrified of lots of things or of trying new things. I cannot swim, have never been on a theme park ride, terrified of heights and so on and so on. I am also very anxious (shocker!) but self aware with it so try really hard not to say what I'm thinking if I'm worried about a bad outcome until I've actually assessed if it's a genuine concern or my anxiety because I really do not want my own daughter to grow up like I did.
My mum is totally incapable of keeping her anxiety in and genuinely feels that it is other people that are the issue and she is just sensible. I think you need to be really careful here how your DH behaves and speaks around your children and he needs to get on board with this. It's not about being unsympathetic to him, but his anxiety should not trump everyone else in the household living their lives out of the shadow of it.

Agree with PP that main problem here is not his anxiety but the fact he hasn't sought help for it and he's scaring his children with it. He could literally book an appointment online with a therapist this afternoon if he wanted to. I know getting help is in itself scary, but he's messing up his kids. That's not ok.

Anxiety itself makes it pretty impossible to just not act anxious. It has physical and emotional and cognitive signs especiallly when heightened.

However it is reasonable to insist he get help for a medication condition that is impacting him and the family and it is reasonable to ask him to monitor what he says and to whom and to avoid voicing fears when the kids are present.

Anxiety itself makes it pretty impossible to just not act anxious. It has physical and emotional and cognitive signs especiallly when heightened.

That's made me remember a particularly hellish flight when DD was small. I pretended to be asleep to hide it while DH went, "wheeeeee like a rollercoaster" to her. You have to really want to hide it though.

As someone who's had crippling anxiety he's being a selfish dick.
I hate storms, hate the feeling when it's close I can't breathe blah blah but because I have dogs petrified of bangs I have to ignore it and be nonchalant because they look to me to reassure everything is ok.
Has he tried any YouTube videos? suggestions for calming anxiety etc there's tons of them is he trying at all ?

At the very least he needs to stop talking about dying in a plane crash in front of your children. Being non-verbal does not mean that your DS does not understand. This doesn't mean that he can't talk about his anxiety- in fact, I'm a big fan of talking about you feelings in front of children, they pick up on them anyway so better to be open- but this should be to say "flying on a plane makes me feel a bit tense but I'm sure I'll feel better soon," not "THE PLANE WILL CRASH AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!"

He should also be seeking support.

You're very patient, OP, not minding him flying off on a boys' trip but refusing to fly for family trips.

@MadamYouAreAdam Whew you're certainly right, Occam's Razor, Youtube videos have been here all along, who knew 😲

He just go annoyed with me about it

"I'll try my bloody best but I can't promise to not be scared in front of them"

We settled on not flying but then he started talking about accidents on the road in France. But he drives around the M25 for work every day!

He says with his mates he'll be drinking and he'll just put on some headphones

Basically I don't want to go on holiday with 2 tiny kids without knowing he will be a support. The 2 kids will be stressful enough

I actually suggested going without him and he said I was "unbelievable"

So my options are no holiday or holiday with 2 kids and a DH that needs my support trjiigg it all??

@MrsTerryPratchett Your DH sounds like a kind man!

Just a holiday with 2 kids, if you can manage. You're not Robocop.

When he's ready to help and seek help, and actually support you, he can come along