To expect DH to put on a 'brave face'

[PabloPablo]

DH has anxiety. He refuses to seek help for it. Or rather he says 'yes yes, i'll book the GP/research therapists' etc and then nothing ever happens.

He recently booked a boys trip to Barcelona. He hasn't been away for 5 years. And all he can talk about is the plane crashing and "the kids growing up without a dad".This will sound harsh but I do think he exaggerates this a bit for some reason.

We have never taken the DC on holiday (2 and 3). We are planning a trip. He already said he didn't want to fly with them - so we are going by ferry and driving. But already this is now up for debate.

DC (3) is an anxious little boy. Nursery have referred him for poss ASD. As an example, he went to a 4th birthday party at the weekend and he spent a lot of it on my lap with his hood up. But he did eventually join in. He talks about 'so scary mummy' a lot. But he does get into stuff. And he has no fears physically.

Anyway - the question is - I have said to DH that if we are going on holiday i need him to not talk about being scared. Not chat about car crashes. Or plane etc. DS (3) isn't very verbal so I think DH forgets he understands everything.

I think DH thinks I am being very unsympathetic to his anxiety by being a bit harsh with him. But I feel it is our role to make DS feel safe and secure.

Is it fair enough to ask him to pretend to not feel anxious?

So my options are no holiday or holiday with 2 kids and a DH that needs my support trjiigg it all??

I don't envy you, OP.

Have you been on UK holidays? What's he like for those?

It will be easier for you to go away with 2 kids than 3.

He has a choice.

Address the issue via the GP or shut the fuck up in front of your DC.

They're obviously old enough to pick up on it.

Don't allow his anxiety to pass to them.

When he is making your child anxious that is not on, he is impacting his kids, he needs to sort himself out, if he refuses I would leave him.

You are more patient than me. I'd have given him a short, sharp "shut the fuck up" and too bad if I'm not sympathetic to him.

He is making a good attempt at ruining his children's childhood by constantly verbalising any old shit that it occurs to him to be scared of. The least he can do is keep it to adult only conversations.

There are a number of things that I’ve done with my DS where I’ve had anxiety but have been brave and done them anyway to have the experience.

Children can definitely pick up on our fears and hysteria and get swept up in it, taking on those feelings as their own and you’re right to try to protect your DC from your DH’s anxiety.

Either DH can keep a lid on the anxiety, be an adult and play it down to your DC while screaming internally - or he can’t and flying should be completely off the table for him. I agree with PP, if he can fly with his mates, he can fly with you.

I think you have two separate issues:

• your partner has anxieties, fair enough.
• his issues is affecting your son's own behaviour because he is going about his fears in front of him and scaring him. That is not acceptable.

Unless he actively seeks help to manage his fears better then I would put your children first and remove them from a family environment that is going to give them issues for life and stunt their growth.

I'd be sympathetic if he was getting help (or at least trying) and not banging on about it in front of the kids. But he's in danger of passing his fear on to them, and that's not fair.

When it's affecting other people, he should be going to the GP to see what they can do to help. I'm not saying he should get over it and get rid of the fear, but he should at least try something. And then when the kids get older and ask about it, he can say "Yes, I'm scared of flying, which is a bit silly because there's nothing to be scared of. That's why I'm taking these tablets/talking to a councillor/whatever."

Thanks so much for bringing on a panic attack what a nasty response. None of that kind of stuff worked for me at all but I tried them they work for some people Well done you started them off again after none for 6 months months. F U

@Flowerfairy101 DH has a very anxious mother too. I mean - she literally is afraid of speaking to strangers and she is in her 70s. Spent her entire life too scared to do anything.

DH knows he has picked up on it from his mum - and doesn't want the cycle to continue in theory BUT when I push him - it appears he thinks a bit like your mum in the sense that he thinks actually they're being very sensible and it is the rest of us who are being crazy

I have (mostly recovered from) PTSD and that comes with a lot of anxiety, so I am coming from a place of understanding.

Your DH is allowed to have anxiety. He's not allowed to let that affect the kids. He has control over whether he talks about plane crashes etc to or around them. It's his responsibility to shield them from his fear and get help.

^For example, PTSD gave me extreme social anxiety. But I never talked about dreading being around people in front of the kids. I would arrange play dates with the grandparents or a childminder doing the handovers. I would only ever speak about parties/school/social events as fun and exciting, and comfort my DCs if they were nervous. The last thing I wanted was for my issues to impact them in any way.

I'm terrified of flying, mainly due to my mother who would talk in great detail about how the plane we were about to get on would crash (we flew a lot) I can't tell you how much it's affected my enjoyment of holidays etc.

He needs to stop this in front of the kids. Asap

He knows he can only die once?

@MadamYouAreAdam Oddly, when people have a panic attack they are debilitated, let alone read MN and do this thing called a guilt trip on strangers!

Don't you have dogs to reassure? And now you're talking about a panic attack when Youtube videos are readily available? Why don't they work now? 😯

I'll quench my guilt by Whatassping with Putin 😓🙀

Also - and this really STINGS, but in terms of him getting help

He refuses to see a GP because he wil "be stuck on some waiting list" and then he said we can't afford for him to get private sessions as he's also anxious about money.

I have been paying for my own therapy sessions - maybe because i'm strung out carrying the whole mental load at home - and I said in Nov I would stop seeing my therpaist so he could start seeing one and then he wouldn't need to worry as the house income wouldn't be affected because me cancelling mine would balance out with him starting.

AND HE STILL HASN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

So now he's not getting help and I'm not seeing anyone either despite it being really helpful

People who have posted about their anxiety - you do have my sympathy - I have the opposite way of thinking which is the silly thought - "it will never happen to me" - even though actually some pretty shitty things have happened in last couple of years (stillborn, car crash, losing friend to suicide) but I don't have that bit of my brain that thinks the worst. When terrible things happen to me it feels like a total shock.

Problem is there is a part of me that thinks he is exaggerating. Which I know make me unreasonable and a bit horrible. I just can't shake it sometimes.

YANBU. My DM has been plagued by anxiety her whole life. She has never been abroad, doesn't drive, swim, do any hobbies and particularly like social situations where she has to mix with a lot of new people however I only became aware of this when I became and adult. She covered it very well and she said she hid a lot of it/ put on a brave face for me because she didn't want me to turn out to be the same. Also, we didn't have a lot of money so couldn't afford holidays, leisure centres and cars, which was a cover for her avoiding a lot of these things.

I am extremely grateful to her because although I do have anxious tendencies, they are all to do with social situations and I have travelled all over the world and live a very full life. I think I would have easily have absorbed a lot of her irrational fears (she knows they are irrational but this doesn't help btw) if she had voiced them to me.
Your husband's behaviour sounds burdensome and unfair to your children. People can't help having anxious feelings but there is help out there to self-manage. He could be looking for professional help rather than voicing all his catastrophic fears to you and possibly affecting the children. He can manage his anxiety enough to agree to a lads holiday - do you think he's stoic around his pals or burdening them with plane crash orphan thoughts?

He refuses to see a GP because he will "be stuck on some waiting list" and then he said we can't afford for him to get private sessions as he's also anxious about money

Do you have a local Wellbeing Centre to which he can self-refer for CBT? although I have to say the comments about waiting lists and not being able to afford private sessions suggests to me that he's putting up barriers to actually getting help because at some level he doesn't want it.

AND HE STILL HASN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

That's really shitty. Can you give him an ultimatum- either he starts seeing someone or you'll go back to your own therapist? It doesn't seem right that you have stopped seeing your therapist on order to help him and he's still not acting, especially as it sounds like you've had a really tough few years and so I imagine the therapy is helpful.

He might be exaggerating, given that he's going on a boys' trip. He might also enjoy being dependent on you and forcing you to effectively be his carer. (This is obviously not to say that people with anxiety are generally exaggerating, far from it.)

YANBU he needs to pull himself together. You have small children he can’t afford to be an incapable wreck 24:7 and just expect you to do all the ‘adulting’ and keeping the mood of the house up. Time to threaten divorce unless he makes that appointment today, right now.

@PabloPablo You're obviously a strong person. I'd say yes, he's exaggerating a bit for people to notice he's suffering. But he probably just doesn't know better.

@MadamYouAreAdam just broke down when told to take her own advice of listening to Youtube videos. Some people are more resilient than others.

I'm not sure a trip to Spain would be relaxing right now, it seems just like more work.

Do you think you're able to gently support him just until he starts seeing a professional he clicks with? Then it's less work and stress and resentment on your end 💟

So my options are no holiday or holiday with 2 kids and a DH that needs my support trjiigg it all??

Fly with the kids and he can meet you there.

My DH has health anxiety and panic attacks. He became all but housebound, completely convinced he was going to have a panic attack and crash the car if he drove. He was utterly convinced every headache was a brain tumour etc etc. It lasted a few weeks before I (while sympathetic) said I couldn't cope with it. I understand why and I am anxious myself but someone in that high state of anxiety is incredibly selfish because they spend literally hours each day thinking about all the ways they could die and avoiding family commitments because they might die, everything on their terms is fine. I was essentially parenting the children myself while he lay down for multiple hours each day thinking about his symptoms but obviously that just made him worse because he became so hyperaware of every sensation in his body.

He approached the GP was started on citaopram and began private therapy. The citalopram took a few weeks to work but has been a complete game changer. He has some bad days but we are able to work through them together and have great grounding strategies in place. He didn't really gel with his therapist and didn't feel much benefit from that for the cost (which we were more than happy to fund to have my husband back) but did discover that the anxiety did stem from a longer term depression following loss of control after a redundancy.

Anxiety in men isn't discussed much but it is a massive issue. I hope he gets some help soon, my mother has lived with u treated anxiety all her life and is a main part of the reason we have a poor relationship.

OP what is he like when you go away without him and the kids?

I can tell I’m hormonal because this made me cry. That is so sweet and loving of you. Your daughter is incredibly lucky!

I have suffered with anxiety and intrusive thoughts since I was in my early teens. Its absolutely debilitating sometimes

But I truly believe its a learned behavior. I wasn't born with anxiety, its a product of my early years. My parents can be very negative about everything, so I always expect the worst, we grew up not well off at all, so I hoard every penny I can, I was introduced to scary movies at a young age, so I hate the dark and being home alone. All of my anxieties I can trace back to something in my life.

Your child is mimicking the behavior he sees. I totally agree with you, he's got to stop because its affecting your child now.