To expect DH to put on a 'brave face'

[PabloPablo]

DH has anxiety. He refuses to seek help for it. Or rather he says 'yes yes, i'll book the GP/research therapists' etc and then nothing ever happens.

He recently booked a boys trip to Barcelona. He hasn't been away for 5 years. And all he can talk about is the plane crashing and "the kids growing up without a dad".This will sound harsh but I do think he exaggerates this a bit for some reason.

We have never taken the DC on holiday (2 and 3). We are planning a trip. He already said he didn't want to fly with them - so we are going by ferry and driving. But already this is now up for debate.

DC (3) is an anxious little boy. Nursery have referred him for poss ASD. As an example, he went to a 4th birthday party at the weekend and he spent a lot of it on my lap with his hood up. But he did eventually join in. He talks about 'so scary mummy' a lot. But he does get into stuff. And he has no fears physically.

Anyway - the question is - I have said to DH that if we are going on holiday i need him to not talk about being scared. Not chat about car crashes. Or plane etc. DS (3) isn't very verbal so I think DH forgets he understands everything.

I think DH thinks I am being very unsympathetic to his anxiety by being a bit harsh with him. But I feel it is our role to make DS feel safe and secure.

Is it fair enough to ask him to pretend to not feel anxious?

I couldn't respect him @PabloPablo . And then the attraction goes for me.

Ok people can go through a rough time with their mental health and I'd tolerate/support that in a relationship, but not as their permanent personality, especially if they're not bothering to get help to try and improve.

He's not thinking of how stressful it is for you, let alone the potential effect on the kids.

He risks losing his wife because let's face it, this isn't any woman's dream.

Maybe tell him the impact it's having on you, really spell it out, tell him it risks making you go off him. Perhaps that would make him take steps to sort it out.

So what if he's on a waiting list for a bit? Better than not being on it. And he has the money for some therapy now anyway.

Did you get anywhere with this, Op?

Not great @DietCroak Not great.

I was just talking to him about something on the news and he started shouting at me saying I was "making him anxious and he wanted to lock all the windows and doors" and then he stopped talking to me

I was just saying something about the news.

Its bloody exhausting. And if I get frustrated he says I'm uncaring

I got health anxiety and a horrendous fear of the dentist from my own mother so I made a concerted decision not to pass it on to my kids and be a strong adult for them despite whatever I as feeling, he needs to do the same.

These are his own issues and he needs to take responsibility for them.

I don't mean this rudely but are you sure he's not putting some of this on?

Funny how he can go to Barcelona when it suits him for a boys holiday yet can't do it normally with his family. With anxiety you can't pick & choose so it seems very odd.

If your DH randomly bursts out shouting about being anxious and locking doors and regularly about car and plane crashes etc - it's going to pass onto your kids. To be frank, it's going to fuck them right up in the long term.

Your DH is a selfish man child. He needs to suck it up and act like a responsible, well-grounded adult around your tiny children. If he can put a brave face on for strangers, he can do it for the dc. He needs to get therapy, right now.

If not, he needs to go. In your shoes I would tell him this outright and make it clear that you were serious.

This is verging on abusive, OP. He really needs to take some sort of responsibility for his actions, its not okay just to blame his anxiety.