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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need advice please - what the fuck do I do about this?

236 replies

forfuckssake23 · 26/01/2023 20:42

I received a message on FB messenger from a 16 year old boy who claims to be a friend of my DD (also 16). They live in opposite ends of the country and have never met but have been messaging and FaceTiming and according to DD became "friends" over FaceTime.

He has messaged me directly saying "do you know what bad things your daughter has been doing?"

I asked him what and he alleges that she had accused an ex boyfriend of "trying to rape her". This sounds not remotely like my daughter at all, so I spoke to her straight away and she was tearful saying "he's pissed off with me because I didn't message him all day, he's trying to get me in trouble". Apparently he has messaged her ex boyfriend to tell him that my DD has falsely accused him of trying to rape her. My DD looked me in the face and swore to me on her baby sister's life that she has done nothing of the sort and he is just trying to stir up trouble for her because she didn't message him today and they had an argument about this. I believe her.

This kid is however continuing to message me things like "so what are you going to do about it then?" etc.

How the fuck do I handle this? I mean obviously I could just block him but I am SO angry that he is invented this story about my daughter.

OP posts:
AIBUYesYesSometimes · 27/01/2023 13:09

That was for ^^ @KettrickenSmiled

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:17

It's been reported to the police. They are coming out over the weekend to take a statement.

DD is upset and unhappy about this - she said she doesn't want it "dragging out" and now she's blocked him she just wants to forget about it all. I've explained to her that it's serious and I can't just allow this kid to get away with it.

She's also apparently spoken with her ex boyfriend, who believes her that she did not make this allegation and is also of the view that the online kid is trying to stir up trouble for DD. DD is also adamant that her ex boyfriend has never threatened to harm her in any way.

So by both their accounts, this online kid is the one lying.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:18

OP - how do you think this guy found you on facebook? Are you linked to DD's account as 'friend' or named as 'relation'?

I think because he befriended her on FB, and I tag her in posts. He can then see friends of friends who are tagged, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:19

DD and I don't have the same surnames, and my surname isn't even on my FB account. So that's my conclusion as to how he knows who I am.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/01/2023 13:19

Thank goodness she is united with the people in her real life so the damage this lad can wreak is limited.
Could so easily have been a hand grenade in her life. 🤯

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:19

My worry is (and this has just popped into my head): what if the ex boyfriend did threaten this? What if DD did confide in her online "friend" about this? What if the ex boyfriend is saying he did no such thing, when he did? And what if my DD is too scared to tell me he actually did?

Does that make sense?
Yes.

It's been my worry too, since reading your OP.
But you had enough on your plate yesterday without PP suggesting that to you, so it's good to see you acknowledging it - because YOU need support just as much, although differently, as DD does about all the nuances & implications flying around this guy's behaviour, accusations & identity.

Also - sorry to see that arse of a PP frustrate & upset you. Glad they have decided to piss off in a snit. Brew Cake

Princesspollyyy · 27/01/2023 13:20

Just block. Don't engage any further. And get your daughter to block aswell.

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:21

@KettrickenSmiled

I wouldn't have had any evidence in relation to this specific allegation if I'd removed her phone last night, since this alleged discussion about the threats of rape took place on FaceTime, so there's no paper trail.

I spoke to her straight away as soon as I received this FB message from the kid. Less than half an hour later she had blocked him on Snapchat, so when I requested to see the messages between them she said it's too late they've gone as I've blocked him.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:23

Police have advised DD to block and have told me to leave unblocked in case he sends anything further as evidence, but not to reply.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:24

AIBUYesYesSometimes · 27/01/2023 12:33

You should step back OP and do nothing else.

You will never know the truth.

All you need to do now is educate your DD about not getting into online chats with anyone she doesn't know, and also giving away too much information.

She needs advice on how to keep herself safe online and change her privacy settings.

I doubt the police would intervene here as it's just really unpleasant chat between some 16 yr olds.

Your DD should block the ex and refuse to engage in any more discussion over it.

Threatening behaviour, blackmail, stalking, harassment ... all criminal cyber offences. See Malicious Communications Act, apologies am ignorant of specific terms.

Police will know though.
And that's before even starting on this "16 year old lad's" actual identity, browsing history, & location.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:28

She's also apparently spoken with her ex boyfriend, who believes her that she did not make this allegation and is also of the view that the online kid is trying to stir up trouble for DD. DD is also adamant that her ex boyfriend has never threatened to harm her in any way.

This, at least, must be a huge relief for you OP. xx

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:28

My daughter is really upset with me for reporting it. We have such a close relationship, I'm worried she will now not speak to me. But this needs to be done. He cannot get away with this. She's too young to understand why this needs to be reported. Hopefully one day she'll get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:28

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:28

She's also apparently spoken with her ex boyfriend, who believes her that she did not make this allegation and is also of the view that the online kid is trying to stir up trouble for DD. DD is also adamant that her ex boyfriend has never threatened to harm her in any way.

This, at least, must be a huge relief for you OP. xx

It really is!

OP posts:
thisismynewface · 27/01/2023 13:29

Your daughter needs support to see how this 'friendship' escalated to being abusive and why she didn't walk away from it way before the final showdown because it sound that he was abusive and horrible way before this final act.

Do you even know if he's actually only 16 yet?

I would think having more conversations with a trusted (female) adult need to happen, your daughter sounds vulnerable?

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:30

forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:19

DD and I don't have the same surnames, and my surname isn't even on my FB account. So that's my conclusion as to how he knows who I am.

I wonder if he has stalked & messaged any of her other FB contacts?

Given that he couldn't know for sure that you were her mum, he could have been making opportunistic punts to a number of people.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:32

forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:23

Police have advised DD to block and have told me to leave unblocked in case he sends anything further as evidence, but not to reply.

& @ your 13:21 response - understood, & police have validated what you chose to do, which is great, & worth 9 million x more than PP opinion, no matter how well-meaning most of us are.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:34

forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:28

My daughter is really upset with me for reporting it. We have such a close relationship, I'm worried she will now not speak to me. But this needs to be done. He cannot get away with this. She's too young to understand why this needs to be reported. Hopefully one day she'll get it.

Grit your teeth & soldier on through her disapproval OP.
As per my post upthread - sometimes we have to offend their dignity by compromising their personal autonomy.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/01/2023 13:36

I can understand why she's upset. She is probably embarrassed and just wants it to go away.
Maybe a chat about how though it's a bad smell rather than just leave the room and shut the door (metaphorically speaking), refusing to meekly take a passive escape route, and instead challenge his nasty tactics make make him think twice before he goes out to the next one and the next one. If he doesn't learn the lesson that this is unacceptable young then he likely never will. In a way you feel responsible for the next person's daughter etc... Maybe she'll see your actions differently in that light and though not like it, she might at least accept it so it doesn't pollute your lovely relationship (and tell her you don't want that, but you know nasty boys can become abusive men so you're willing to try to play your part in preventing that despite your concerns)

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/01/2023 13:37

Sorry auto correct garbled that. Hope you can decipher

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 13:39

thisismynewface · 27/01/2023 13:29

Your daughter needs support to see how this 'friendship' escalated to being abusive and why she didn't walk away from it way before the final showdown because it sound that he was abusive and horrible way before this final act.

Do you even know if he's actually only 16 yet?

I would think having more conversations with a trusted (female) adult need to happen, your daughter sounds vulnerable?

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Smart teens will be able to 'translate' the problematic real-life behaviours here into equivalent problematic online behaviours - so long as they have been made savvy to the specific problems of online harassment such as false identities, deliberate targetting & deception, & how much easier it can be to manipulate people's perceptions in virtual media.

Hotpinkangel19 · 27/01/2023 13:40

Are you sure she's not upset because she's actually lied and accused her ex of this while talking to the other boy? And is scared she may be caught out?

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 13:49

She also needs to realize that he could continue to spread this rumous to others if not stopped - putting a target on her ex boyfriend as a rapist or making her look like she is making up false allegations (depending on who is believed). He may not stop here. He already reached out to her ex boyfriend and to her mother.

Police was the right option

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 13:49

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/01/2023 13:36

I can understand why she's upset. She is probably embarrassed and just wants it to go away.
Maybe a chat about how though it's a bad smell rather than just leave the room and shut the door (metaphorically speaking), refusing to meekly take a passive escape route, and instead challenge his nasty tactics make make him think twice before he goes out to the next one and the next one. If he doesn't learn the lesson that this is unacceptable young then he likely never will. In a way you feel responsible for the next person's daughter etc... Maybe she'll see your actions differently in that light and though not like it, she might at least accept it so it doesn't pollute your lovely relationship (and tell her you don't want that, but you know nasty boys can become abusive men so you're willing to try to play your part in preventing that despite your concerns)

This is helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
itswonkylampshade · 27/01/2023 13:50

I experienced something similar with my DD who was 13 at the time. I reported to school as it turned out to be a boy at school (pretending to be someone else) and his messages were threatening and started to become sexually threatening. School reported to police and community police officer paid him a visit.

My DD was also anxious over reporting but it’s worth remembering that whoever this person, it might also be to their benefit to report it because there’s obviously something far wrong there! Could be someone vulnerable exercising inappropriate power online because of difficult real life circumstances, for example. Or even worse, someone who’s abusing people in RL as well as online. You just need to reassure DD that reporting this is the right thing for so many reasons.

itswonkylampshade · 27/01/2023 13:52

Meant to add that I also recommend the “can I tell you a secret” podcast.