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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at my sister

136 replies

Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:29

Almost 7 years ago now my fiancé and father of my 2 children passed away. I had to leave my job, who was mainly weekend work, to look after my 2 children because my sister wouldn’t look after them. She said it was because she wasn’t used to little children as she had none herself. For years I did everything with my kids alone. There were times like bday parties I did ask my sister to go with me just to keep me company as they can be boring sometimes but she always refused so I stopped asking and I have always done it myself. Well she now has a son in nursery who is getting party invites. She’s trying to guilt me into going with her to a bday party and has gone in a bit of a strop when I’ve said I’d rather not (tbh I wouldn’t mind but she always said no to me and always said it’s only a couple hours and that she hated being around noisy kids) Aibu to not go because she always refused to with me to a point where she’d just laugh and say no way I’m going just read on ur phone. I’m feeling like it’s petty but I just find it a bit annoying.

OP posts:
Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 16:32

You won’t go to a party with your dsis because she refused to provide free childcare for your dcs years ago?

Yanbu to refuse to go to a party if you don’t want to - but yabvvvvu to have expected free childcare from your sister.

SouperNoodle · 26/01/2023 16:34

Why did you expect her to look after your children? Are there not nurseries/child minders in your area?

CrocodileShoooooesCrocodileShoes · 26/01/2023 16:35

Yanbu to not go to the party, however yabu to be so resentful of your, childfree at that time, sister not providing weekend childcare or going to kids parties to keep you company.

DancingWithMyPoolCue · 26/01/2023 16:36

Sorry she wasn't more supportive but it wasn't reasonable of you to expect free childcare. You're both being unreasonable wanting the other one to come to children's parties- why would you put someone else through that?

Lollypop701 · 26/01/2023 16:36

I’d say no too tbh … although if she has changed her stance in looking after you dc then possibly

mynameisnotkate · 26/01/2023 16:36

I think PP are being a bit harsh. It was an awful situation for you, some support from the family would have made a real difference. So I can see it is galling when they expect you to provide for them what they wouldn’t for you, even though they don’t need it in the same way you did.

I’m with you on this - don’t indulge her.

Original poster
Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:37

Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 16:32

You won’t go to a party with your dsis because she refused to provide free childcare for your dcs years ago?

Yanbu to refuse to go to a party if you don’t want to - but yabvvvvu to have expected free childcare from your sister.

No it’s not because I wanted free childcare although I may have some resentment as their dad literally dropped dead but my family wouldn’t help. I understand that and I’m working on it. I’m saying all those years I did everything myself while she refused to and is now asking me to do the things she refused to do.

OP posts:
Glorianna · 26/01/2023 16:39

Sorry about your fiancé Flowers

YANBU, have you reminded her that she never with you to your kids' parties? What was her response?

Don't do any childcare for the entitled CF.

Cakecakecheese · 26/01/2023 16:42

Yeah just tell her to read on her phone.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/01/2023 16:42

Yabu to say you had to give up work because your sister wouldnt look after your baby. You had to give up work because your fiance tragically died and you had childcare issues. There aren't many people I know who look after their siblings kids even if they really need it.

Yanbu to be annoyed that she is asking you to go to kids parties when she wouldnt have done the same for you, and YANBU to say 'no way lol, been there, done that and got my soft play t shirt!'

Original poster
Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:42

I’m guessing no one replying has ever had their partner or husband drop dead and then are refused any support whatsoever from family? I’m sorry but until you go through that you will never know how it effects you and how much support is needed.

OP posts:
ColadhSamh · 26/01/2023 16:43

I assume you mean your sister offered you no support not refused to be a babysitter/ offered childcare when your partner died. That was cruel and your resentment is understandable especially given the circumstances of your partner's death.
If you don't want to support her now you are fully entitled to say no. You look after yourself.

Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 16:44

No it’s not because I wanted free childcare although I may have some resentment as their dad literally dropped dead but my family wouldn’t help

I get that - my family have been shit with any kind of help too and it does breed resentment. My solution to that now my dcs are grown is that I only do family things I absolutely want to - I don’t allow myself to be forced into visiting or attending family events I don’t really want to go to.

JudgeRudy · 26/01/2023 16:46

You have an odd way of looking at things. I'm assuming you didn't ask your sister to mind your children whilst you attended a special event, you asked her to commit to regular childcare every weekend. I'm not surprised she said no.
You're also annoyed that she had no desire to attend a kiddies party just to keep you company. Again, not a one off where you were especially nervous or a bit poorly, but regularly! Why do you need her there, or anyone really. Do you have your own friends. Did you ask them to become childminders or companions?
Now she's a mum she's asked you along to some of the events she's obliged to attend but probably thinks you and your child would enjoy. You've as good as said you would but you want to say no out of spite.
I'd be really surprised if your sister really cared. She won't be aware. Even if she was she won't be wishing she had come to your events so you'd come to hers. She'll think suit yourself you funny bugger then you'll probably be hurt and annoyed later when you find out she took a trip to the seaside and didn't invite you.

DanceMonkey19 · 26/01/2023 16:48

Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 16:32

You won’t go to a party with your dsis because she refused to provide free childcare for your dcs years ago?

Yanbu to refuse to go to a party if you don’t want to - but yabvvvvu to have expected free childcare from your sister.

No, she won't go to a party with her said as dsis refused to do it for her.

Op I think you have muddied the waters here by mentioning that dsis wouldn't help with childcare. Whilst hurtful it was her perogative to say no. But refusing any support eg attending parties with you must have stung - the fact she wouldn't do it for you after a sudden bereavement yet wants you to do it for her would be annoying. So no, yanbu, but I think the replies you get will focus on the weekend childcare part of your post - you should have left that out.

geekone · 26/01/2023 16:48

You know what I have never been in your situation but I absolutely hear you. Sorry you went through that with little or no support. YANBU to feel resentment and not go but you also I suppose have to figure out if it’s worth it for you to live with those feelings. It’s not going to make you feel better.
Have a think about what you want or need to help you move on or if you want to.
sorry again.

Original poster
Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:48

ColadhSamh · 26/01/2023 16:43

I assume you mean your sister offered you no support not refused to be a babysitter/ offered childcare when your partner died. That was cruel and your resentment is understandable especially given the circumstances of your partner's death.
If you don't want to support her now you are fully entitled to say no. You look after yourself.

Yes that is written better than mine. I was offered no support at all for anything by my family.

OP posts:
Ahwelltoobad · 26/01/2023 16:50

She was selfish then, and she is shelfish now.

I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed Flowers

WhatInFreshHell · 26/01/2023 16:51

Sorry to hear that you didn't get any support when you needed it OP. That's cruel. I'm so sorry about your fiancé.

Original poster
Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:52

DanceMonkey19 · 26/01/2023 16:48

No, she won't go to a party with her said as dsis refused to do it for her.

Op I think you have muddied the waters here by mentioning that dsis wouldn't help with childcare. Whilst hurtful it was her perogative to say no. But refusing any support eg attending parties with you must have stung - the fact she wouldn't do it for you after a sudden bereavement yet wants you to do it for her would be annoying. So no, yanbu, but I think the replies you get will focus on the weekend childcare part of your post - you should have left that out.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right. I wish I had now. I didn’t mean it in terms of no childcare. I meant in terms of having no support.

OP posts:
Funkyslippers · 26/01/2023 16:52

I don't see why you need another adult to accompany you to a kids' party. If you can't just drop them off I would stay and talk to the other mums

horriblechristmas2022 · 26/01/2023 16:53

Wow can't believe some of the unsympathetic responses on here

JudgeRudy · 26/01/2023 16:55

Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:42

I’m guessing no one replying has ever had their partner or husband drop dead and then are refused any support whatsoever from family? I’m sorry but until you go through that you will never know how it effects you and how much support is needed.

I can guarentee there are many members either suffering a bereavement or bringing up children alone....possibly both. I'm unsure what you mean by support but I suspect if you'd asked family to help out for a few weeks whilst you sorted child care they probably would but it's unreasonable to expect that ongoing. Unless there's a back story I'm pretty sure your sister did listen to you cry, call round a bit extra, help with funeral arrangements etc and generally keep an eye on you but it sounds like you wanted your family to literally look after you.
I am sorry for your loss but that's the past. Don't hold (unreasonable) grudges.

DanceMonkey19 · 26/01/2023 16:55

Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:52

Yes you’re right. I wish I had now. I didn’t mean it in terms of no childcare. I meant in terms of having no support.

Show quote history

I and others get what you're saying. It's just some posters seem to love nitpicking and seem to almost deliberately miss the point.

I'm sorry about your DP. I hope you and the kids are doing ok now

picklemewalnuts · 26/01/2023 16:56

Does she have a partner?

I'd remind her you managed completely on your own, and say you are really enjoying being past that difficult stage now so no thanks!

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