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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at my sister

136 replies

Spename84 · 26/01/2023 16:29

Almost 7 years ago now my fiancé and father of my 2 children passed away. I had to leave my job, who was mainly weekend work, to look after my 2 children because my sister wouldn’t look after them. She said it was because she wasn’t used to little children as she had none herself. For years I did everything with my kids alone. There were times like bday parties I did ask my sister to go with me just to keep me company as they can be boring sometimes but she always refused so I stopped asking and I have always done it myself. Well she now has a son in nursery who is getting party invites. She’s trying to guilt me into going with her to a bday party and has gone in a bit of a strop when I’ve said I’d rather not (tbh I wouldn’t mind but she always said no to me and always said it’s only a couple hours and that she hated being around noisy kids) Aibu to not go because she always refused to with me to a point where she’d just laugh and say no way I’m going just read on ur phone. I’m feeling like it’s petty but I just find it a bit annoying.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 21:56

Cocobutt · 26/01/2023 21:31

What difference does that make? OP would still have needed childcare if she worked week days.

Children can go to nursery or a childminder or school during the week, they can’t on the weekends.

It’s not the sisters fault that OP had to leave her job as it was a weekend one.

Looking after the children every now and then is fine and should be a no brainer, especially when your sister has lost her DH but doing childcare every weekend is a massive ask and as a single parent myself I wouldn’t put this on someone.

Children can go to nursery or a childminder or school during the week, they can’t on the weekends.

OP's kids were pre-schoolers then.
Loving the assumption that a suddenly bereaved single parent can instantly change jobs & have enough cash to pay for nurseries & childminders.

yaboreme · 26/01/2023 21:58

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

I think she could have been supportive, and maybe I'm a little sour but now the shoes on the other foot I'd do exactly the same. I wouldn't do it either.

It's hurtful when you are at your lowest that someone, even worse your sister, couldn't just suck up a kids party for a couple of hours while you were feeling vulnerable.

YANBU

CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/01/2023 22:02

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 20:51

Funny how you think the sister demanding accompaniment to kids parties has done nothing wrong, but OP asking the sister the same thing was being U.

Is logical thought usually this difficult for you, or did you make an exception so you could enjoy being a cunt about OP's bereavement?

Show quote history

Is logical thought usually this difficult for you

  • *Clearly it’s better than your reading skills.

Also, misogynystic name calling?
How lovely.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/01/2023 22:04

Americano75 · 26/01/2023 21:54

'Dead boyfriend'?

That's an atrocious thing to think, let alone express.

Show quote history

Huh?

That’s was her set-up for this thread.

What’s wrong with you?

Americano75 · 26/01/2023 22:05

CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/01/2023 22:04

Huh?

That’s was her set-up for this thread.

What’s wrong with you?

Show quote history

Aye, it's me that's got something wrong with me. FFS.

Original poster
Spename84 · 26/01/2023 22:07

JudgeRudy · 26/01/2023 16:55

I can guarentee there are many members either suffering a bereavement or bringing up children alone....possibly both. I'm unsure what you mean by support but I suspect if you'd asked family to help out for a few weeks whilst you sorted child care they probably would but it's unreasonable to expect that ongoing. Unless there's a back story I'm pretty sure your sister did listen to you cry, call round a bit extra, help with funeral arrangements etc and generally keep an eye on you but it sounds like you wanted your family to literally look after you.
I am sorry for your loss but that's the past. Don't hold (unreasonable) grudges.

Show quote history

No she didn’t. I have 2 sisters and a brother. None of them offered any help at all. I didn’t bug them for help either. I hardly asked for any help at all. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives and it’s not unreasonable to want a little support from family. They didn’t help with any arrangements at all. I did it all alone and no I didn’t want them to look after me. All I wanted was a little support and the times I did ask it was refused and it was never offered. I did manage to go to some job interviews because some friends were kind enough to look after them. But ultimately I had to wait until the kids started school because I couldn’t afford childcare. My family carried on as normal as though nothing had happened. I’m sorry but until something like that happens and you get no support at all in any shape or form it does hurt you.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/01/2023 22:11

Has your sister acknowledged that she didn’t support you?

DH was widowed young with a toddler DD and his best friend was absolutely hopeless. Their friendship was very limited for a few years as a result. Then after the friend had his first child he got in touch and apologised - said he just couldn’t have imagined how hard it was as he was struggling and that was with the support of his wife. It helped a lot.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 22:14

CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/01/2023 22:02

Is logical thought usually this difficult for you

  • *Clearly it’s better than your reading skills.

Also, misogynystic name calling?
How lovely.

Show quote history

Calling a cunt a cunt isn't misogynistic.
Calling ALL women cunts would be.

Just to be clear, posting on a thread by a young woman bereaved of her fiance purely to make snide remarks about her dead boyfriend & call her entitled for wanting support at that time is the behaviour of a cunt.

It's definitely nasty enough to warrant an instant deletion, but your disgusting post is better left intact so PP can see what you are.

Not entirely sure how you imagine my reading skills to be deficient.
You applied a double standard to the same action from each sister, didn't like being challenged on it, so decided to pretend I didn't understand what you wrote.

MrsCarson · 26/01/2023 22:15

Well you reap what you sow. She's learning this lesson now.
I'm sorry your family were so unsupportive when your partner died. Hard hearted in my mind.

Copperoliverbear · 26/01/2023 22:17

I'd tell her, no I'm going coming you would never come with me, so go on your own like i had to. X

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 22:20

Copperoliverbear · 26/01/2023 22:17

I'd tell her, no I'm going coming you would never come with me, so go on your own like i had to. X

Or the pass-agg option:

"Lovely! I'm looking forward to attending just as many kids parties with you as you attended with me!"

Copperoliverbear · 26/01/2023 22:29

@KettrickenSmiled 🤣🤣🤣🤣

mamailla · 26/01/2023 22:57

OP you are a strong woman and I respect you. You lost your fiancé and became a single parent overnight. Your children lost their father. You were grieving whilst caring for your children alone and providing for them. I would be incredibly proud of myself if I were you. You deserved a lot more support than what you had but the fact that you managed on your own is admirable ❤

Nevermind31 · 26/01/2023 23:41

twanmever · 26/01/2023 21:53

@Nevermind31 Is this intended for the OP or regarding the aunt?

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The OP… anyone who wants to bring random people to kids’ parties…

1982mommaof4 · 26/01/2023 23:52

OP YANBU I would expect support from family if my DH suddenly died just as I would help in that situation xxx

FrenchBoule · 27/01/2023 00:01

CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/01/2023 22:04

Huh?

That’s was her set-up for this thread.

What’s wrong with you?

Show quote history

What’s wrong with you @Americano75 ?

”dead boyfriend”???
It was OP’s partner,father of her 2 kids, not some random bloke.

I don’t understand why OP is getting hard time on here.She was clearly in need of help and support,she received none from her family.
Her sister doesn’t NEED support. She WANTS company..

CombatBarbie · 27/01/2023 00:04

Well it's karma, you reap what you sew, life coming round full circle, yadda yadda yadda

You are absolutely not wrong to have said no. If she's stropping then that's her issue. Families are supposed to pull together in times of need. Not leave you in a dark hole that you have no way of getting out of without help and support.

I can sense you have so much resentment and I actually don't blame you. Have you had the conversation with your family about their actions yet?

ymemanresu · 27/01/2023 00:08

Feel for you OP . Totally understand why you're mad at your sister. She doesn't understand.. Maybe try to distance yourself from her?

TimeToFlyNow · 27/01/2023 00:23

CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/01/2023 20:44

You were being U for expecting your DS to do free childcare, even with dead boyfriend.
And entitled.
And she wasn’t wrong.

If you don’t want to help her, totally fine.
Don’t be so bitter though…
Again, she’s done nothing wrong, parents really need to stop assuming anyone else cares about your kids.

Bloody hell you're a nasty piece of work aren't you

MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud · 27/01/2023 00:33

Regardless of history, do you want to go? That is your DN at the end of the day. If you don't want to go, then just say no.

I get why you could be hurt of course.

JudgeRudy · 27/01/2023 03:03

Spename84 · 26/01/2023 22:07

No she didn’t. I have 2 sisters and a brother. None of them offered any help at all. I didn’t bug them for help either. I hardly asked for any help at all. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives and it’s not unreasonable to want a little support from family. They didn’t help with any arrangements at all. I did it all alone and no I didn’t want them to look after me. All I wanted was a little support and the times I did ask it was refused and it was never offered. I did manage to go to some job interviews because some friends were kind enough to look after them. But ultimately I had to wait until the kids started school because I couldn’t afford childcare. My family carried on as normal as though nothing had happened. I’m sorry but until something like that happens and you get no support at all in any shape or form it does hurt you.

Show quote history

I've read some of your replies since you first posted and now we have further information it is rather hurtful. You've also since added that your sister was off with you for decl8ning the invite (summons) to the party.
Sadly I think you're finding that the hurt you experienced when your family abandoned you in your hour of need has caused permanent damage both to you and to your relationships. Sometimes there's just no going back. For forgiveness to come about you need to feel that someone is truly sorry. It isn't simply a choice you make. There are procedures and conditions to be met. I think you're a long way from that. Try not to let it damage your children's bond with the wider family. X

FTLondon · 27/01/2023 03:15

Your sis was selfish to not help out more when you became a single mother after the death of your fiancé. She probably didn’t realise how much of a help it would have been for you to get an afternoon off.

I don’t think you’re looking for revenge by turning down her invitations. And you actually seem like you wouldn’t mind going to those parties with your sis.

I think you’re looking for acknowledgment and an apology.

Explain to her what hurt you so she can apologise then you can forgive her and you can both go to boring kids’ parties together!

Cocochat · 27/01/2023 04:11

I can’t imagine being part of such an unsupportive family @Spename84 .
Any pp’s saying you shouldn’t expect help must have weird families.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and no I wouldn’t go to parties with her, presumably she’s lucky enough to have a living dp for that.

Americano75 · 27/01/2023 05:42

FrenchBoule · 27/01/2023 00:01

What’s wrong with you @Americano75 ?

”dead boyfriend”???
It was OP’s partner,father of her 2 kids, not some random bloke.

I don’t understand why OP is getting hard time on here.She was clearly in need of help and support,she received none from her family.
Her sister doesn’t NEED support. She WANTS company..

Show quote history

I think you might have tagged the wrong person.

Tiani4 · 27/01/2023 07:01

it's a shame you've decided to stop speaking to me because I don't want to come to a kids' party with you. Good thing I didn't stop speaking to you when you refused to do the same for me for years, when my partner died suddenly or we wouldn't even know each other now! I'll be here when you've got over your sulks, take care."

This ^^

Yanbu
No, you're done with young children's parties, you don't have to go "to support your Dsis"

Also I doubt the person organising the party wants it to be a 'family outing', it's hard enough fitting one parent per child in birthday venue or house, without them bringing along random family members!!!