To be slightly annoyed at my sister

[Spename84]

Almost 7 years ago now my fiancé and father of my 2 children passed away. I had to leave my job, who was mainly weekend work, to look after my 2 children because my sister wouldn’t look after them. She said it was because she wasn’t used to little children as she had none herself. For years I did everything with my kids alone. There were times like bday parties I did ask my sister to go with me just to keep me company as they can be boring sometimes but she always refused so I stopped asking and I have always done it myself. Well she now has a son in nursery who is getting party invites. She’s trying to guilt me into going with her to a bday party and has gone in a bit of a strop when I’ve said I’d rather not (tbh I wouldn’t mind but she always said no to me and always said it’s only a couple hours and that she hated being around noisy kids) Aibu to not go because she always refused to with me to a point where she’d just laugh and say no way I’m going just read on ur phone. I’m feeling like it’s petty but I just find it a bit annoying.

No I didn’t ask her regularly. I asked her maybe once or twice and once it was because she had to sit in the car park so I said why not just come in. I’m not annoyed that she didn’t come in with me. I just went in and talked to the other mums etc. I said I’m slighty annoyed that she is now in a strop with me because she has asked me to go to a birthday party with her toddler son when she always refused to do anything with me. She is not talking to me right now because I won’t go with her.

What's your relationship with her like now? Could you accept maybe she was just young and naive?

YANBU, I am very sorry that you lost your fiancé and the father of your children.
If when you were newly bereaved (and I can imagine struggling to keep it together and be there for your children) your sister thought you were fine to go to birthday parties etc alone and didn't think a bit of care and love and support might be nicer for you then she can certainly manage a party without you now.
I hope life is happier for you and your children now.

Ah, that sheds a different light on it. If she's being arsey that you don't wanna do what she didntvwanna do that's different.
Ask her to invite her child's dad....he'll probably not be able to come but she does have the luxury of being able to ask him!

Nah I'm kinda with you. Not quite the same thing but DM declined to help me when DS was a baby, not even once. After the third time I asked and was turned down out of a total of 5 years, I stopped. He's nearly 11 now and I never have asked ever again. Never will either. She's started to suggest that she babysit him now "to give us a break" but she would only act the martyr so I don't bother.

No, she doesn't want to go to a kids' party with DSIS because DSIS has always refused to go to kids' parties with OP.

Well, I imagine her fiance's sudden death played a part in her request that her sister step in to help for a while.

There's nothing wrong with asking.
Nothing wrong with saying "no" either - although most sisters would have helped out, even for a couple of months, so that their nieces/nephews mother could continue working, given the appalling circumstances.

That is really tough and it must have been terrible at the time I completely understand Why you might feel some resentment. That said I wouldn’t make my decisions on the birthday parties now based on the past. If you want to go, if you feel like you might have a good time then go, if not then don’t.

Your sister is well able to take care of her own needs and spend her own time doing the things that she likes to do and you can learn those skills from her too.

This.

Leave her to her strop.

I said I’m slighty annoyed that she is now in a strop with me because she has asked me to go to a birthday party with her toddler son when she always refused to do anything with me. She is not talking to me right now because I won’t go with her.

Don't indulge her sulks & drama OP.

I'd be tempted to send one text then leave the ball in her court. Something like "it's a shame you've decided to stop speaking to me because I don't want to come to a kids' party with you. Good thing I didn't stop speaking to you when you refused to do the same for me for years, or we wouldn't even know each other now! I'll be here when you've got over your sulks, take care."

Then just step back completely. Don't chase her, don't talk about it to other relatives, & let her get back to you when she can be arsed to. You can decide how to respond then, no need to worry yourself over her ridiculousness right now.

I think your family let you down when you needed them most and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.I lost my DS22 just over a year ago and he looked after his sister,my DD9 when I went to work (nights).After he passed my sister offered to have Dd when I returned to work and without her I'd be lost and unable to work.In the event my sister couldn't have DD my mom would,having a supportive family makes such a difference and I'm so sorry yours haven't supported you.I don't understand why people are saying you shouldn't expect family to help out,aren't families meant to be there for each other?.
Your sister sounds selfish.

Tell her to fuck right off.

I am truly sorry for your loss; I cannot begin to imagine what that must have been like. I can’t believe that your family didn’t help you more.

I'd be telling her why.

No I'm not coming to a kids party with you. Remember when Dave died and I asked you to keep me company at Joeys little friends party and you said no? You wouldn't even mind my kids while I went to XYZ and that really hurt because I was struggling and reaching out to you, my sister, for help. I dragged myself through those days alone, making sure my kids went to parties and didn't miss out. I'm sure that you can manage it too.

Yabu to say you had to give up work because your sister wouldnt look after your baby. You had to give up work because your fiance tragically died and you had childcare issues. There aren't many people I know who look after their siblings kids even if they really need it.

I agree with this. Your phrasing about the childcare issue is really bizarre. Saying she refused to provide childcare implies this would have been a standard response, but it would have been a huge, unusual favour. I get that she might have been generally unsupportive but I think you need to separate that from the expectation that she should have played childminder for you, and blaming of her for you having to give up work.

The parties thing is a bit strange, too, it would never occur to me to bring a random extra adult to a party. YANBU to not want to go, but tbh I would be thinking about being honest with your family about feeling like they didn't support you. Better to air your grievances and have the chance at moving on from them than sit stewing about support they may not know you felt you were lacking.

Sorry about your bereavement, it sounds an awful time.

I’ve read loads of threads about taking siblings along to children’s parties and the etiquette thereof. I didn’t realise that parents’ own siblings might be tagging along🤣.

Tell her it’s a hard no. She needs to do what you ( and all parents) do and suck it up.

While you get a nice quiet coffee 😘

OP you're getting a hard time here, you are definitely not being unreasonable. In my family we all help each other out, my mum and sis often have my kids when I have to work weekends or holidays. You are not unreasonable to have been upset to have been refused support, in an exceptional circumstance, and miffed that same support is now expected from you.

But go if you want, don't if you don't want to. Live you life by your standards, not other people's (although totally understand why you'd want to say bog off!)

I had this happen (except it was an accident) and my Mum pretty much cared for my then 1yr old DD pretty much 24/7 for months as I was on the floor screaming crying all day every day and couldn't care for my baby.

PP are being vile, heartless ice queens quite frankly. Zero empathy on this thread at all

Attended a special event???? Her husband to be DROPPED DEAD FFS........

Jesus Christ

Thank you. My babies were 6 months old and 3 years old and my 3 year old hadn’t yet even started nursery and I was still on maternity leave. It was an extremely hard time for me. Maybe I just phrased it wrong in my original post. I am working on my resentment and anger towards my family whilst also trying not to be the bad guy.

Ah bless @Spename84 your post was clear enough for anyone that didn't want to nitpick. You have obviously stood strong and coped since your partner died. You certainly have more compassion than your sister. You have shown that by posting on asking if you are being unreasonable. No you are not.

@Spename84 I'd walk away from your family completely if I was you. How dare they even speak to you after selfishly refusing to help whilst you navigated the sudden death of the love of your life AND the accompanying heartbreak of the life you planned together now ending AND the heartbreak of knowing your kids have just lost their Daddy. All whilst having to still be a mummy. A 'happy, smiley mummy!'

I've said ever since that having to be a happy smiley mummy whilst going through heartbreak & sudden grieving is THE hardest thing I've ever had to do & can even imagine ever having to do. (The only thing my brain allows me to imagine being any worse is losing a child, of course. God forbid). I cracked. Had a full mental breakdown and didn't leave the house for months. It broke me.

They abandoned you when you needed them the absolute most. How fucking dare they even look at you, let alone speak to you.

You are a saint

Also had this happen. Was 25 weeks pregnant but luckily I had the help of family.

I definitely learnt a lot in this moment about who really cares and who doesn't and I dropped a few friends who didn't even pop in or make it to the funeral. Haven't contacted them since and have no regrets.

You couldn't make your sister help you back then. However she can't be surprised if you don't want to help her back. These things work both ways.

Yeah tell her to piss off.

If someone won't help you when you are suddenly widowed I think it's safe to say they will never support you. I would explain to her how you feel and put a bit of distance between you.

How old was your sister when your fiancé died? My sister had a baby at 18, I was only 14, she completely depended on me to even go to a shop with her. I hated it (she wasn’t particularly nice to me tbh) and I went along with it because she needed support. My sister still wouldn’t do this for me now, but then I wouldn’t ever dream of asking. If you sister was younger she just might not have gotten it at the time. If you don’t want to support her now, don’t. It’s not going to change the past though