To be slightly annoyed at my sister

[Spename84]

Almost 7 years ago now my fiancé and father of my 2 children passed away. I had to leave my job, who was mainly weekend work, to look after my 2 children because my sister wouldn’t look after them. She said it was because she wasn’t used to little children as she had none herself. For years I did everything with my kids alone. There were times like bday parties I did ask my sister to go with me just to keep me company as they can be boring sometimes but she always refused so I stopped asking and I have always done it myself. Well she now has a son in nursery who is getting party invites. She’s trying to guilt me into going with her to a bday party and has gone in a bit of a strop when I’ve said I’d rather not (tbh I wouldn’t mind but she always said no to me and always said it’s only a couple hours and that she hated being around noisy kids) Aibu to not go because she always refused to with me to a point where she’d just laugh and say no way I’m going just read on ur phone. I’m feeling like it’s petty but I just find it a bit annoying.

This.

My dm was widowed with 3 kids when my ddad passed away suddenly. Her sisters and parents were amazing, there for her and us kids every step of the way. I’m so glad that her family were kinder and more supportive than op’s and some of the horrible people on here. My mum was a coper so she would have managed alone, but how fucking horrible to have a so called family that makes you. Yanbu op.

I’m with you OP

she was too selfish to see that you needed a little bit of support and help thru a really bad and unprecedented time and yet now she’s finding it a little bit tough with a toddler she’s taking a strop

just tell her you’ve seen enough kids birthday parties to last a lifetime and they give you a migraine

Well said! Total agree 👍

I get it, OP. I was in your situation when my DC was young and my friends showed no interest in my DC and offered zero support. Now that they have babies and toddlers, it's like they are the second coming and when one friend said that I could be chief babysitter I laughed and said I don't bloody think so.

How old is your sister?

She did not need to come with you to birthday parties etc as that is not her job and there is no need to have 2 parents at parties anyway (actually it’s really annoying).

But I understand how you needed support and felt that she wasn’t supporting you enough and so I can see why you want to do tit for tat.

However, 7 years ago is a long time and she would have been much younger then.

We are also very different after having DCs and if you don’t have DCs then you just don’t understand what parents go through.

She also may not have thought that by going to places like birthday parties she’d be supporting you because your DH died.
If someone asked me to attend a child’s birthday when they’re nothing to do with me I would say absolutely not and I wouldn’t associate it with them needing support.

If you want to go then go and if you don’t then don’t.
But don’t use it as a reason to get back at her for things that happened years ago as it won’t make you any happier.

My family wouldn't help at all with my dc when they were small and I was a single mother. I didn't expect them to, but it would have been nice to get a little support. Looking back, there's no way I'd see my dd's struggle and not help if I could.

In your shoes op, I'd go the the party and keep my ds company, but only if I wanted to. Tbh there's no way I'd go to a child's party now mine are older, they are boring as hell. Just tell your ds you don't want to.

I agree, family support would have been some comfort. i'm Not a widow, i'm a single parent. It is hard.

We are twins so same age as me. I was 31 when he died.

Yanbu. I wouldn't go anywhere with her now. Or ever look after her kid.

Win win then. Let her sulk.

The fact that she is your twin almost makes it worse. I wouldn't be able to forgive the lack of support I'm afraid. And I'd tell her to stick her request for company where the sun doesn't shine.

We are twins so same age as me.

I didn’t realise you were twins, I assumed she was younger.

You were being unreasonable to expect her to look after your DCs every weekend so you could work when you could easily get a week day job and to attend birthday parties etc.

But YANBU to not want to want to do these things for her either.

I don’t think 2 adults need to be attending a child’s birthday anyway.

I think although you are obviously still upset about how she acted, I don’t think it was malicious and I think your expectations of her were unreasonable.

So don’t do anything you don’t want to do but I would try and let go of the past as it will do you now good holding on to that upset and anger you feel.

You need to spell it out to her as she clearly doesn't understand.

"It's a bit much you not speaking to me. 7 years ago after my fiancé dropped dead, I asked you to accompany me to a couple of kids bday parties and you didn't want to, so you didn't - despite the fact my world had been shattered. I find it astonishing that you are now asking me the exact same thing - to come to kids bday parties with you and you are stropping because I don't want to. I had to do all the kids bday parties on my own so I chatted to other mums. I suggest you do the same and stop treating me as though I have been mean to you - it's the other way around"

If you don't talk straight to her, you can't be sure that she's actually understood.

Hey OP, I was widowed when my DC were 4 and 2. You have my sympathies. I was in pieces. I pretty much lived with my parents for a good couple of years (had my own house but we all stayed with them several nights a week). My dad had just retired and cooked all our meals. I was broken and still trying to be a mum. I think a lot of people on here don't understand that when they talk about 'free childcare'. I don't believe it is unreasonable to expect family support in dire circumstances. She said no then, so you are certainly under no obligation to say yes to her now.

Yes how dare she expect support from a family member when the father of her children died. How utterly selfish and entitled of her. FFS! 🙄

She’s a cheeky cow and very entitled to be annoyed that you aren’t offering the support she denied you. I agree with others it would have been a bit much to expect regular child care, but some kind of family support would have meant a lot at a very difficult time. Tell her to jog on, you reap what you sow.

Twatty comment. Bet you wouldn't say that in person to a grieving young woman. And I bet you'd do the same in her situation.

YANBU. I have 3 kids, my much younger sister told me ‘I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend every moment you can with your kids.’ If I ever expressed needing a break - (Before she had them.) Now she has 1 & is always trying to palm him off because she finds it too much! Let her get on with op, you reap what you sow.

Why not use it as a moment to be honest with her and explain your side. Calmly ask her why she expects your company when she did not come to events with you? Point out the similarity. Also explain that you had just lost your DH and not only wanted her company but her support as you felt vunerable and ask why she said no (get to the bottom of it). Then ask again why she feels she is entitled to your company and see what she says.

She was within her rights to say no to childcare, however she is not within her rights to now be angry at you for the same thing.

At last. Someone reasonable.

sorry your sister was so unsupportive of you when you needed her. I would not want to accompany her to anything now. Be strong and sorry for what you’ve been through.

I'm sorry for your loss and the lack of support from your family. Yanbu to have hoped for some help at a hellish time 💐

Playing devil's advocate but does your sister remember her comments like "just read on your phone"? I can see why it's hard for you not to say the same back.

I wouldn't feel guilty about saying no. You are not a doormat and get to enjoy the next stage of parenting.

I would be the same as you, but I am quite petty tbh.

When she asked you to go I'd say 'hey remember when I asked you in 2017 and you didn't want to?'

I am comfortable being blunt with my sister though so that helps.

💐 yes I would feel resentment for that scenario and defo would not go to a kids party xx

Why on earth would anyone go to a children’s party to tag along with an adult acquaintance. It’s bad enough going to them with your own kids.

I'm a widow too @Spename84 so definitely on your side. No-one knows until they've experienced it.