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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bullying me to earn more

131 replies

JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:05

I work as a self employed specialist tutor in schools. I earn a reasonable amount (about £900 per week) we are in Wales so not exactly SE prices or cost of living.
DH also is self employed and we are comfortable financially.
However, as you’re all aware there are a lot of school holidays (12 weeks a year) and often school ask me to start then second week back in September (to let the children in settle in) and tell me not to bother coming last week of term (July) as it’s always so chaotic.
Over the year I therefore have 14 weeks off (through no fault of my own).
I have always worked a few evenings a week privately to earn an additional £200 per week (taking my weekly earnings to about £1100) and also allows a bit of money coming in during holidays (some children continue with me in holidays too).

I currently feel completely exhausted (I’m 50 so thinking it’s probably menopausal) and have therefore cut right back on the private work. I didn’t discuss this with DH as I feel I contribute enough to the home with my ‘day job’

We have two teenagers who are obviously no where near as much work as younger children, but I do the vast majority of household chores and always have done.
DH has suddenly noticed I’m no longer working evenings or weekends and has basically said I shouldn’t have dropped this work as the additional money we normally save to cover us during school holidays.

I’ve said I feel I earn enough and no longer want to do additional hours and he is basically guilt tripping me to work more by reminding me how much time off I get.
He is right, I do get a lot of time off but I don’t have the choice of working all year around (obviously) and just can’t bring myself to do all the private work I used to.

I now come home, relax and feel much happier, but he’s acting like I’m some sort of shirker and has made it clear I should increase my hours back up. He’s mentioned it many times and I feel bullied.

we have paid off our home, our bills are manageable and I feel content but he’s moaning about how we need to pay for a new bathroom etc and how because he is also self employed I have put us in a precarious position financially.

who is BU?

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 26/01/2023 16:08

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. He naturally feels there's more income with your additional hours but you don't want to have more rest.

I'd say communicate with him and reach an amicable conclusion. Strangers on the Internet aren't going to help support your marriage.

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/01/2023 16:11

Well, maybe you could work more hours if he shifted himself around the house?

BrimFullOfAsher · 26/01/2023 16:15

I think to say he is bullying you is a little extreme...

donttellmehesalive · 26/01/2023 16:18

I do think people who live together should discuss big financial decisions rather than making unilateral ones.

I don't think YABU to drop the hours but I do think you should have discussed it.

Dropping 20% off your weekly wage is quite a lot, and 100% of your school-holiday wage.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/01/2023 16:19

I think in a partnership it’s not really on to make decision like this without some discussion first. I understand from his perspective 14 weeks of holiday probably seems like enough rest time, given he presumably gets much less than that. Maybe you could find a bit more balance? Weekends not evenings or only kids who will continue through the holidays. I’m sure you’d be unimpressed if he bought an expensive purchase or drastically cut his hours without even mentioning it to you? This is the same.

Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:20

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/01/2023 16:11

Well, maybe you could work more hours if he shifted himself around the house?

Possibly, but it’s a mindset with me, I just can’t motivate myself to do more work after I get home. I can’t get back into work mode, I just want to put my feet up with some hot chocolate. I don’t think DH likes it that he’s still working and I’m all done by 3:15

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 16:21

So you're earning circa £41k a year? That's not bad at all?!

Skyliner1 · 26/01/2023 16:22

I can see both sides. You're bringing in a good amount, but a decision to change the household income by that much should have been discussed first. If he wants you to work more he can do more around the house though can't he.

donttellmehesalive · 26/01/2023 16:22

Does it impact him in any way? Will he have to contribute more to bills for example? Are you paying the same amount into savings and pensions as you were? If the only thing cut is your own spending money then I don't think he can complain about it really.

Would you be ok with him dropping 20% of his wage though, maybe going down to four days a week?

euff · 26/01/2023 16:22

Yes but you are not really done at 3:15 if he doesn't do housework and you do. Also your salary seems good, what's his? Does he understand you are exhausted?

Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:22

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 16:21

So you're earning circa £41k a year? That's not bad at all?!

I’m not sure - maths wasn’t my strong point and my accountant does my books and tax bills

OP posts:
euff · 26/01/2023 16:23

Also better to work fewer hours and have a lower income than to burn out and have none.

Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:23

Yeah I feel unreasonable I think I wouldn’t be happy with him dropping 20% of what he earns

OP posts:
Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:24

euff · 26/01/2023 16:23

Also better to work fewer hours and have a lower income than to burn out and have none.

Yes this is my dilemma- I’m so lucky to have this amount of flexibility and earning potential but still just can’t find a balance.

OP posts:
WannabeMathematician · 26/01/2023 16:24

how many hours do you work a week? And then when you take into account chores how many do you work. Is that second number comparable to how much your husband works?

I am going to be honest I would be really angry if my husband did something similar without talking to me first. It would be like him saying “I can do what I like, we’re not a team just individuals who happen to share bills”.

Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:26

euff · 26/01/2023 16:22

Yes but you are not really done at 3:15 if he doesn't do housework and you do. Also your salary seems good, what's his? Does he understand you are exhausted?

He does understand this but he then gives me the talk where he points out we are both self employed and like being comfortable financially which my extra work allows

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 26/01/2023 16:29

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 16:21

So you're earning circa £41k a year? That's not bad at all?!

38 weeks at £900 isn't £41k pa. It only comes to that if the dropped private work was also 38 weeks. Without private work the drop is around £7k which is a significant drop to take a unilateral decision on.

Fizzadora · 26/01/2023 16:30

Well without knowing what he earns or how many hours then it's impossible to say who is being unfair.

Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:31

DH also has health issues which include poor mobility and extreme exhaustion. He does stuff like bins, recycling, he’ll do all the life admin and anything that needs sorting such as paying all the bills, sorting out car / house insurance, organising workmen if things need to be done in the house, so I do feel a bit bad on reflection.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:31

Fizzadora · 26/01/2023 16:30

Well without knowing what he earns or how many hours then it's impossible to say who is being unfair.

He does work hard as long as his health conditions allow

OP posts:
Glorianna · 26/01/2023 16:32

I do the vast majority of household chores and always have done.

Why does he think you should work so much and AND do the majority of household chores?

He sounds awful, OP.

peaceandpotato · 26/01/2023 16:33

Stop doing the housework then he'll realise

aloris · 26/01/2023 16:39

JaffaMCCakey · 26/01/2023 16:31

DH also has health issues which include poor mobility and extreme exhaustion. He does stuff like bins, recycling, he’ll do all the life admin and anything that needs sorting such as paying all the bills, sorting out car / house insurance, organising workmen if things need to be done in the house, so I do feel a bit bad on reflection.

Yes but menopause is also a health issue. It's not really fair for him to get out of most of the household chores because of his health issues but you have to work evenings/weekends AND do most of the household chores despite having your own health issues. I think, like many men, he doesn't count your housework as a contribution. Now that you have dropped some of your work, he is thinking that your contribution is insufficient and not matching his. But that's only because he calculates the value of your housework as zero.

euff · 26/01/2023 16:39

How would you feel about asking him to step up more at home? Or outsourcing some work so that you don't have that to do on top of your extra work? I know you are far off retirement age or being old but not everyone ages the same way and if something can give somewhere would that be so bad? Whilst you aren't doing the extra can you look into your health and seeing if there's something contributing to your exhaustion that you might be able to sort out?

PrinceHaz · 26/01/2023 16:40

I would have discussed it before dropping the evening hours.
That said, he leaves all the ‘wife work’ to you which is hours and hours and no doubt has never checked with you if you’re ok with him being so thoughtless. Perhaps he needs to know how tired you feel doing your job and everything round the house.