Husband bullying me to earn more

[JaffaMCCakey]

I work as a self employed specialist tutor in schools. I earn a reasonable amount (about £900 per week) we are in Wales so not exactly SE prices or cost of living.
DH also is self employed and we are comfortable financially.
However, as you’re all aware there are a lot of school holidays (12 weeks a year) and often school ask me to start then second week back in September (to let the children in settle in) and tell me not to bother coming last week of term (July) as it’s always so chaotic.
Over the year I therefore have 14 weeks off (through no fault of my own).
I have always worked a few evenings a week privately to earn an additional £200 per week (taking my weekly earnings to about £1100) and also allows a bit of money coming in during holidays (some children continue with me in holidays too).

I currently feel completely exhausted (I’m 50 so thinking it’s probably menopausal) and have therefore cut right back on the private work. I didn’t discuss this with DH as I feel I contribute enough to the home with my ‘day job’

We have two teenagers who are obviously no where near as much work as younger children, but I do the vast majority of household chores and always have done.
DH has suddenly noticed I’m no longer working evenings or weekends and has basically said I shouldn’t have dropped this work as the additional money we normally save to cover us during school holidays.

I’ve said I feel I earn enough and no longer want to do additional hours and he is basically guilt tripping me to work more by reminding me how much time off I get.
He is right, I do get a lot of time off but I don’t have the choice of working all year around (obviously) and just can’t bring myself to do all the private work I used to.

I now come home, relax and feel much happier, but he’s acting like I’m some sort of shirker and has made it clear I should increase my hours back up. He’s mentioned it many times and I feel bullied.

we have paid off our home, our bills are manageable and I feel content but he’s moaning about how we need to pay for a new bathroom etc and how because he is also self employed I have put us in a precarious position financially.

who is BU?

I'd be concerned that should have read

God sorry 😂

Your local criminal enterprise 🤣🫣

£200 a week invested over 18 years should bring in at least £200k, quite likely more.

I'm glad you've realised that you have been unreasonable in cutting your income without discussing it with your DH. So having dealt with that, I am more concerned that you don't know what you might expect from your body with menopause. There are absolutely loads of things that can be affected by it, including the loss of memory that you mentioned. Not everyone suffers hot flushes, but others suffer dreadfully. In view of your lack of energy etc., I think you would be well advised to make an appointment with your GP, and discuss it with him/her, they will likely give you a blood test to check whether you have problems with thyroid, as well as menopause, but either way, they should be able to give you some help which will make you feel better and more able to cope, so that you can perhaps do some extra curricular work, even if not all that you have been doing. When my DS was going through menopause, she was all but suicidal, but after a chat about it, and having then seen her doctor, she went on HRT, and within a couple of weeks, felt so much better. Also, as far as your DH's health, I really would suggest that you sit down together and discuss a longer term plan, as when we moved house 7 years ago, my DH was fit and healthy, and capable of doing a full day's work without problem. Within 2 years, he began to suffer with lots of health problems and now struggles to get out of bed each day. So instead of only thinking of how you're feeling, can I suggest that you talk about the health of both of you, and how you will cope if suddenly your DH feels that physically he can't continue to work. Have you worked out how much you will need to live on when you both retire? Do you plan on having lots of holidays, or are you the type to be happy pottering about at home, and not spending much? All of these things need to be considered at this stage of your lives, as things can change really rapidly, and you will both cope with it much better if you have prepared.

So that’ll cover the first year of retirement. What about the subsequent twenty five?

Could you explain what you mean by this?

Taking savings and transferring them to a pension triggers the government topping them up, significantly, to in effect refund you the take that you originally paid on those earnings.

It is literally free money from the state in exchange for moving it into a pension account and accepting the rules around how you can later withdraw it.

As long as you’re covering your half of the bills year round overall I really don’t see what the problem is. I have had this discussion recently with my partner and I explained that as I’m covering my half of the bills/food as well as contributing to my pension for later in life I can decide what my disposable income is. Personally at this point in life I’m choosing part time work with a lower disposable income and more time to spend with my daughter compared to full time, more disposable income and less time with her. As long as your covering your half of your bills you can decide how much disposable income you have

I’m sorry to say that for some women they have a load more symptoms during menopause than hot flushes.

Lack of motivation, brain fog, apathy, aches and pains, lethargy are pretty common.

Theres a Ted Talk I saw the other day that says the menopause has brain and whole body symptoms. It’s quite an education!

£200 x 38 = £7,600
Even assuming a very conservative 5% average return, that's £7,980 per year. Over 18 years, that's £143,640, without any allowance for compound interest, likely higher returns for long-term investments, or for the tax benefits of a pension, if used as the savings vehicle.

£300k would be doing well, but is not impossible, and you should easily achieve well over £200k.

I don't have a pension but bought property when the business was sold. Had a good rental return and the propertues have appreciated. We're all different in our approach

Not RTFT @JaffaMCCakey but feel you're being bullied by your DH & here!
How much more earnings does your DH want???

Average male life expectancy in Wales is 76-80 depending on area. And he has health issues. He is probably starting to think about how many retired years he will actually get. It sounds like you need a long honest conversation to face the issue head on.

This is sensible advice thank you- I think I’m burying my head in the sand with my age and body.

I think we should down size and go on a long cruise 🚢

He wants me to put the extra money from private work ‘into the pot’ for future expenses such as big jobs E.g new bathroom, landscaping the garden, extension, expensive holidays etc

How much is his pension pot?

I believe it’s over £300k, not he has several

• not sure that should say

Wow. Lots of 'wants' there! I'd be thinking smaller house, less land, more free time.. it's what I did three years ago, much happier..
I hope you can discuss & find a middle ground..

Me too.. im also with a husband like this. I stayed at home with the kids for 5 years, then topped up my degree whilst working in a simple job. Hes always been shouting at me to earn more or to work more, but of course without inconveniencing him with any kids stuff (school run, hobbies, laundry etc..)
Im now divorcing him. Hopefully i will be earning decent money soon. The funny thing is that im finally getting back on my feet professionally, but he still doesn't like it. Im working on environmental/carbon neutral issues and apparently now im weird and too unconventional..

It really is easy to bury your head in the sand at your age OP, but you'll be surprised how quickly the next few years will pass, and then you'll suddenly find yourself worrying about whether the money you have, in whatever pot, will be enough, as of course it's rare for anyone to have any real idea of how much longer they might live. As I said earlier, I think you would be wise to get your health checked out, and begin to deal with any issues there, and in the meantime you and your DH really need to sit down and talk about how you see your future, as from what you've said about downsizing, (even if it was slightly tongue in cheek), and your DH's comments about extensions, landscaping, new bathroom, etc, it would seem that you're not really even thinking in the same direction at the moment, let alone moving in that direction together. Hopefully when you first got together, and were thinking about sharing a life, you talked and made plans as to how you were going to get where you wanted to be, now you need to do that again, but DO take into account that when your health goes, you won't be able to manage a big garden, or a big house, without help, and if you're going to need that help, how do you plan to get it, ie, employ others to do the jobs you might currently do yourselves, or would it be better to do as you said, and downsize to release the money you will need to have a pleasant old age. You don't necessarily have to work yourselves into the grave to achieve a comfortable old age, and with a bit of planning, you might find you can afford for both of you to sit back and take life a bit easier, but before anything can happen you do need to TALK TO EACH OTHER.

I feel for you OP, perimenopause is draining the life out of me (even on HRT).

I think both you and your husband need to sit down and discuss money coming in, that in savings, likely expenditure (kids going to university for example) etc. That might help you both to see things as they are, rather than his worrying and your laid back approach.

You can get your accountant involved if necessary (I'm another worried about your lack of pension) and s/he can confirm about the adequacy of your husbands pension, if you will get this when/if he dies etc.

But if you can't manage to work extra hours in the week you may have to tighten belts/downsize or you will burn out completely.

We downsized had many years in a big house gardens etc

When two of the DCs were getting married. I realised that I was chained to it. We had lovingly restored house and grounds years before. But it all needed doing again. Oil bills extortionate, I was alone most of the time, cleaning OH buggered off with his hobbies a lot. The youngest was 15, we were isolated no buses, neighbours. Had sold the business. I insisted on moving. It got to the stage where I was unhappy. We did sell eventually. Found a lovely dormer bungalow. DS had upstairs. We had downstairs. So easy to clean and quick.

OH complained bitterly at times. But then he had a rotor cuff tear surgery needed. Then tore tendons in one knee. Now I may need hip surgery. The big house would have fallen down around us. This smaller place is cosy and manageable. Near local shops.

@JaffaMCCakey it really is time for that talk

Those were the same sums I did.
Except the original post said by 60, so it would only be 10 years of growth.

I can't see how you'd get anywhere near £300K unless amazingly lucky. You certainly couldn't rely on it.

Hence my post to see if I was missing something or the person posting had just wildly miscalculated.
(I actually genuinely am looking at ways to boost my pension atm)