Husband bullying me to earn more

[JaffaMCCakey]

I work as a self employed specialist tutor in schools. I earn a reasonable amount (about £900 per week) we are in Wales so not exactly SE prices or cost of living.
DH also is self employed and we are comfortable financially.
However, as you’re all aware there are a lot of school holidays (12 weeks a year) and often school ask me to start then second week back in September (to let the children in settle in) and tell me not to bother coming last week of term (July) as it’s always so chaotic.
Over the year I therefore have 14 weeks off (through no fault of my own).
I have always worked a few evenings a week privately to earn an additional £200 per week (taking my weekly earnings to about £1100) and also allows a bit of money coming in during holidays (some children continue with me in holidays too).

I currently feel completely exhausted (I’m 50 so thinking it’s probably menopausal) and have therefore cut right back on the private work. I didn’t discuss this with DH as I feel I contribute enough to the home with my ‘day job’

We have two teenagers who are obviously no where near as much work as younger children, but I do the vast majority of household chores and always have done.
DH has suddenly noticed I’m no longer working evenings or weekends and has basically said I shouldn’t have dropped this work as the additional money we normally save to cover us during school holidays.

I’ve said I feel I earn enough and no longer want to do additional hours and he is basically guilt tripping me to work more by reminding me how much time off I get.
He is right, I do get a lot of time off but I don’t have the choice of working all year around (obviously) and just can’t bring myself to do all the private work I used to.

I now come home, relax and feel much happier, but he’s acting like I’m some sort of shirker and has made it clear I should increase my hours back up. He’s mentioned it many times and I feel bullied.

we have paid off our home, our bills are manageable and I feel content but he’s moaning about how we need to pay for a new bathroom etc and how because he is also self employed I have put us in a precarious position financially.

who is BU?

Sorry now seen about his health affecting what he does at home.

Perhaps you could spend a week writing down your work hours and chores and his as well. Sometimes seeing it in black and white helps us to see things as they really are. He might not realise the myriad things you do (often doing two chores together eg cooking dinner and folding laundry).

I find even ordering the weekly food shop online takes me far longer than I think it will.

If you are 50 and are exhausted then it definitely could be the menopause. I know my energy levels plummeted. I would suggest look up menopausal symptoms and if it fits, show it to your husband. If he understands more, he may be more sympathetic. It may be worth seeing the GP.

Finally, you say your DP has health problems and also suffers exhaustion. Perhaps you could look at his workload together and see what can be done to help him as well.

Sometimes there comes a time when you need to reevaluate your lifestyle to accommodate new things. We can’t be spring chickens forever. Maybe now it’s about having more time, but less money.

I find it a bit odd that you don't know how much you earn per year. Don't you check your accountant's figures before you sign your tax return?

You definitely should have discussed you plans tor change your hours and drop in income with your husband.

However, if you add up all the hours you work, including preparation of lessons et cetera, plus all the housework, cooking and other chores you do, and compare this with your husband's total hours(work plus chores), how does the comparison look like?

Tell him fine but he'll have to pick up the running of the house day to day because you're knackered. His turn.

He does appreciate all that I do, I know that, but he’s more of a worrier when it comes to finances. He’s also 10 years older than me (60) and not in the best health so he’d love to be able to retire. He has healthy pensions, I have no pension but half own a property worth £300k so that’s my retirement fund.

He always says make hay while the sun shines but I just feel so apathetic and have loved not doing the extra work for the last couple of weeks.

I do feel like I have been unreasonable but I just can’t seem to motivate myself at all! And of course I have to all upbeat and smiley as I work with children (which I am as a person) but just not past 3:15! Not sure what’s wrong with me!

He sounds quite mean tbh.

It's impossible to say OP without knowing outgoings, future outgoings (kids going to uni maybe), savings, pension, retirement plans etc

yanbu to want to prioritise your health and energy but YWBU to take a big financial decision without involving him though.

How many hours a week do you each work?

This is helpful thank you. I like writing things down so will definitely do this. I haven’t got a clue with menopause- I really should look into this, my basic understanding is periods stop and many women experience hot flushes. I don’t have hot flushes and haven’t had a period for 15 years due to the Mirena coil, but I just have no interest in anything, no motivation and can’t remember anything! I’m not used to this. I don’t feel unhappy but have zero interest in anything. I don’t go anywhere on the weekend, slob around in pjs watching Netflix and love it! But this is totally out of character for me.

I have no pension but half own a property worth £300k so that’s my retirement fund.

Oh dear. Has your accountant never suggested that you contribute to a pension? You've thrown away all the money the government would have contributed all these years you've been earning...

Do you know what kind of pension £150k would buy you? It seems very risky to me to rely entirely on your husband, given his attitude to your current financial contribution to the household.

Where do your earnings go? Is he feathering his nest while your money funds your joint life?

He works a lot more hours than me - often on weekends too. (He spends a lot of time at his computer analysing data and designing images for his website). I currently work about 26-28 hours per week

I don’t see it like that at all

Stopping the work without discussing it with him first is the bit that feels unreasonable to me.

It’s a significant change to the family income, and unless you were building up significant savings already will mean that cuts need to be made.

Perhaps he’d like to work fewer hours too, and you could both have cut back a bit but now he feels he has no choice but to put in extra himself to compensate.

He does what he can, he’s struggling a lot with health

Yes, you have been unreasonable by dropping 20% of your earnings without mentioning it to him.

The decision to drop it may not be unreasonable. It sounds like it is a financial security concern from his point of view. Do you have a budget discussion with him? Do you both know what the household budget is and what level of security you both want? Do you have a contingency plan if he were to have an impact on his business?

These are probably the thing you should have done before making the change, but now is the next best time.

I suspect (well hope really) all those saying your actions are just fine would see it differently if you had taken on expenses that took 20% of your income without telling him. But your decision may not be an issue for both of you if you work out what the situation is and what you both think you need.

How so? He’s 60, in poor health, working hard to bring the money in and the OP, ten years younger, in better health, and already working less has decided to cut back even more as (to paraphrase) she can’t be bothered any more.

I suspect he is not the nefarious monster so many on here will immediately assume he is. But you also seem very relaxed about financial matters and perhaps this adds to his stress. Perhaps more discussions over long term financial security between both of you would help address that.

"but he's a man..."

Mumsnet classic.

Yes, you’re quite right

Your pension plans are a much bigger worry than your income!

i don’t think they are

You have zero pension, why aren't you worried?

Always the man’s fault to some people isn’t it?

Well when it comes down to it you decided to drop your working hours and therefore earnings without even a conversation with him and yet you say you wouldn’t be happy with him dropping his hours.
So YABU bevause I don’t think anyone should do anything in a marriage that they wouldn’t be happy with their spouse doing the same.

Op, before you do anything else, please go to your gp, explain you are feeling excessively tired and ask him to check your thyroid.

If you dh was a half decent man he would have expressed concern for your health first.