Husband bullying me to earn more

[JaffaMCCakey]

I work as a self employed specialist tutor in schools. I earn a reasonable amount (about £900 per week) we are in Wales so not exactly SE prices or cost of living.
DH also is self employed and we are comfortable financially.
However, as you’re all aware there are a lot of school holidays (12 weeks a year) and often school ask me to start then second week back in September (to let the children in settle in) and tell me not to bother coming last week of term (July) as it’s always so chaotic.
Over the year I therefore have 14 weeks off (through no fault of my own).
I have always worked a few evenings a week privately to earn an additional £200 per week (taking my weekly earnings to about £1100) and also allows a bit of money coming in during holidays (some children continue with me in holidays too).

I currently feel completely exhausted (I’m 50 so thinking it’s probably menopausal) and have therefore cut right back on the private work. I didn’t discuss this with DH as I feel I contribute enough to the home with my ‘day job’

We have two teenagers who are obviously no where near as much work as younger children, but I do the vast majority of household chores and always have done.
DH has suddenly noticed I’m no longer working evenings or weekends and has basically said I shouldn’t have dropped this work as the additional money we normally save to cover us during school holidays.

I’ve said I feel I earn enough and no longer want to do additional hours and he is basically guilt tripping me to work more by reminding me how much time off I get.
He is right, I do get a lot of time off but I don’t have the choice of working all year around (obviously) and just can’t bring myself to do all the private work I used to.

I now come home, relax and feel much happier, but he’s acting like I’m some sort of shirker and has made it clear I should increase my hours back up. He’s mentioned it many times and I feel bullied.

we have paid off our home, our bills are manageable and I feel content but he’s moaning about how we need to pay for a new bathroom etc and how because he is also self employed I have put us in a precarious position financially.

who is BU?

Blimey, I'm shocked by these responses! You earn loads and more than do your share, I think he needs to wind his neck in!

Maybe this is the source of your DH’s frustration. You see no issue with the fact you have no pension savings and yet plan to start cutting back your work at 50 rather than building some savings.
If you already only want to work 9-3 less than term time hours how will you feel in 5 years?
How long do you think 150k of equity is going to last you as your only form of retirement finances??

14 weeks with no income and dh self employed I think u should grab what work u can

I don't think you were unreasonable to drop the evening work.

I do think you were unreasonable not to talk to your husband about it

So just making sure I got this…

• You dropped 20% of your salary without discussing it with your spouse
• ‘Your spouse works twice as many hours as you do and is 10 years older than you
• You have little to no pension
• He does comparable work around the house as you
• You’re not wanting to give up your hot chocolate at 3;15 in the afternoon
• ‘Your husband has chronic health issues
• You wouldn’t be happy if he dropped 20% equivalent of his work hours

Did I miss anything?

Even though the OP disregarded his when making the decision?

The hypocrisy in here is breathtaking sometimes.

Yes, you missed that OP is chronically tired and does the vast majority of looking after their children.

HTH.

Ok…

So just making sure I got this…

• You dropped 20% of your salary without discussing it with your spouse
• ‘Your spouse works twice as many hours as you do and is 10 years older than you
• You have little to no pension
• He does comparable work around the house as you
• You’re not wanting to give up your hot chocolate at 3;15 in the afternoon
• ‘Your husband has chronic health issues
• You wouldn’t be happy if he dropped 20% equivalent of his work hours
• You do the vast majority of looking after your teenage children who are nowhere near as much work as young children

Did I miss anything else?

You have earned enough to pay into a pension or save.

You both seem to earn well so not sure why you would keep working lots when you didn't need to.

If you want to work less then do so, but discuss with your husband why.

Sorry but no reason to not be clued up about menopause or any health matter that may affect you in this day and age.

Is your husband has decent pensions and illness then really you both should be discussing his retirement or his halving of his hours, if he still enjoys work.

With a home paid for, I've no idea why both of you were working all hours with very good income. Are you saving any or spending it all? Look at your outgoings.

Really with your income and his pensions, if looked at properly there should be scope for your husband to retire or reduce hours by half and for you to not work evenings.

It is a difficult one OP I can see both sides. Have you both sat down and done some financial long term planning together? Are the kids going to University? Is he worried about this future cost? Do you really need a new bathroom? If your DH is struggling with his health this maybe contributing to his anxiety around finances. There comes a point in life when our health and well being becomes more of a priority than how much money we have sitting in our savings and investments. My DH and I have both gone part time and we have decided to downsize and release equity when our kids go to University. However, we do have 20k passive income so this helps. The main thing is we work as a team and in the past I have picked up the slack financially and DH has too. You need to communicate openly with each other about how you see the next 20 years of your lives together. The average age for men to live is 78 and women 80 I think something like that anyway and this is what led DH and myself to start thinking about what we really need to survive.

You missed that he’s a man so automatically a monster.

Honestly OP, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to work fewer hours. But if you’re in a partnership, there needs to be at least a discussion. Especially when your partner is older than you, works more hours than
you already and has health issues. And has a healthy pension while you do not. It’s both unkind and a bit foolish to drop your hours and income without even talking about
it with him.

Was he hoping to reduce his hours or take more holiday?

I have read all of your comments but not the whole thread so apologies if this has been done to death already but I would suggest getting your GP to check your thyroid as it often plays up at your (and my age) and exhaustion can be a symptom. I think you need to explain to your DH that just as his ability to do things is reduced by his health conditions so your ability is likely to be affected in the next few years due to menopause and hand him a few web links to read up about it.

How much does he earn?

I find it hard to believe that he is ‘bullying’ you because you’re only making £1k a week - not many jobs pay that well, especially in education.

What is more likely is that he wants you to have a more stable job and be permanently employed.

I’d be really worried about your lack of pension.
I’m really surprised this hasn’t been raised by your accountant especially given the tax breaks

We have a lot of money in the bank and a lump sum of £50 k coming in a few years

Yeah you’re right, I’ve just lined up a days work on Saturday- I realise the issue is more about me not discussing it with him first. He is also very sympathetic and he suggested he reads up on menopause so he can support me but he is also a worrier with finances having grown up in poverty

We’ve had discussions with the accountant- it’s not that black and white

No not at all, we would both hate working for someone else. Neither of us are particularly employable as we are both not good at doing what we are told by others.

So clearly you have it all figured out. What are you looking to get out of this thread? Permission from randoms to keep your hours at their reduced level?

I must admit this jumped out at me.

If your children are teenagers, you work half the hours he does when he's 10 years older, and he has chronic health problems...

I don't think it's reasonable that you've chosen to work fewer hours without a discussion.

Well done for taking the comments onboard @JaffaMCCakey. TBH I’d be thinking seeing whether I could find temping work during the summer instead - all those weeks off to fill rather than evening or weekends. I do sympathise with your desire to curl up with a hot chocolate rather than doing more work but you have to consider that your husband might fancy this too.

Yeah that’s what he says

Slightly off the point, but as others have said pls do go to GP. Get your thyroid checked but it sounds menopausal, given your age your hormones have definitely decreased at this point in time. I remember coming home at 5.45 unable to pysically or mentally motivate myself to do dinner or anything else. Along with exhaustion it was a weird being removed from the rest of the world kind of feeling, about anything, just could not bring myself to care about anything really and was only going through the motions of life.

I am just past mid 40s, with only one child who's still in primary. Husband and I have paid our mortgage too. The house probably worth about 300k. So, roughly about 150k split just like yours. I currently have about £6k DB pension pot, £35k DC pension pot and about £25 k saving. Yet, I dont think that those kind of money will be enough for my pension, let alone supporting my only child at the university. I have started the discussion about pension with husband. My plan is to work until 57/58 years old, ploughing everything into pension and saving, and then we will re-asses whether we could retire early or not.
Honestly, just like you, some days I can't be bothered to work and already ready for winding down. However, if I do so, my pension will be affected and I don't want to rely on my husband pension to support me through retirement. Unless this is part of your retirement plan?