Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

For DH not to take a loan out for his ex.

134 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:02

No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums

DSS's mum has asked DH to take out a loan for 15k, so she can conduct some additional training to re register a qualification she has allowed to lapse. This is to provide DSS a better financial future.
She is unable to take out the loan herself.
She has asked family who have said no.
She is offering to repay the loan over 3 years, when she secures the role this training will enable her to eligible for.
DH and I provide DSS a very solid financial future.
DH, obviously said no. DSS is now refusing to speak to DH, for reasons unknown. He is 15.
Any advice? Or is this just a case of ignore and block? We've worked so hard to maintain a relationship with DSS in a hugely toxic environment and don't want this to mean we never see him again due to poisoning from his mother.

OP posts:

romdowa · 26/01/2023 07:03

Just continue to say no. Maybe explain to dss that you don't just have 15k lying around and you can't give what you don't have.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 26/01/2023 07:04

I think you just have to keep on the way you are planning. You can't give in to emotional blackmail. All you can do is keep reaching out to DSS and hope that he'll extricate himself from any batshittery.

Who on earth thinks its appropriate to ask their exh for a loan?

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 07:06

Of course not unreasonable. The current huff and not being spoken to over not doing exactly what they want when asking a huge thing of you speaks volumes as to how it would go if she just decided to stop paying loan back.
What if she doesn't complete or pass the course and no money to pay you back?
What type of course is it? Can she not get a government personal development loan I think they're called? (If they still do them?!)

sanityisamyth · 26/01/2023 07:08

"No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums "

The post is already out of your possession by publishing it on a public forum. Your disclaimer holds no water.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 26/01/2023 07:09

Putting the note above the post saying that no permission to republish is useless... you're posting on a public forum, which then means Mumsnet own the copyright to your post. And then they can do anything they like with it.

In response to your question. No I wouldn't get a loan for someone who has failed getting a loan through various other channels.

sanityisamyth · 26/01/2023 07:10

Just keep saying no.

Polarbearyfairy · 26/01/2023 07:10

Never, ever take credit out for someone else. It never ends well. Her plan is ridiculous, and there is a good reason her family have said no. Don't even entertain it!

SnarkyBag · 26/01/2023 07:12

Don’t take out the loan and don’t post anything on a forum that you’re not happy to be reprinted or used elsewhere ‘cause you have absolutely no rights or ownership of your post.

BoxOfCats · 26/01/2023 07:12

DSS is 3 years away from being an adult, who will presumably be capable of supporting himself. It's an awful lot of money, with no actual guarantee that she will ever repay it.

2023username02 · 26/01/2023 07:12

Has he also stopped talking to the members of her family that said no as well?

ButterCrackers · 26/01/2023 07:15

Say to your DSS that his dad has said no and that’s the end of it. You are right to not give this loan.

Original poster

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:18

I just can't understand why she would ask ?

OP posts:

ButterCrackers · 26/01/2023 07:20

ButterCrackers · 26/01/2023 07:15

Say to your DSS that his dad has said no and that’s the end of it. You are right to not give this loan.

To add that you can say to dss mother that you have noted her bad mouthing to her son about you and your dh. Remind her that it’s her own slackness that has caused the situation. Tell her that her son is well looked after and if she wants to ruin this by turning him against you and dh then she is also ruining his future. She needs to take a good look at herself and think why other family have also refused her demand for 15k. Tell her that It’s a lot of money and she’s a bad risk to pay it back.

TheMagicSword · 26/01/2023 07:22

sanityisamyth · 26/01/2023 07:08

"No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums "

The post is already out of your possession by publishing it on a public forum. Your disclaimer holds no water.

True but it probably puts the papers off using it.

You can’t take out this loan. If you loan someone else money it has to be according to worst case scenario, ie you won’t get it back. If you can’t easily afford that, don’t do it. What if you or DH fall ill in the next year and struggle to work?

We had a similar situation where stepchild stopped speaking to their dad during teenage years. After turning 18 and getting out from their mother’s influence, they got back in touch and now have a nice relationship.

superdupernova · 26/01/2023 07:22

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:18

I just can't understand why she would ask ?

Desperation? She has already exhausted all other channels.

I don't think your DH should do it though. Never lend more than you can afford to lose.

Riverlee · 26/01/2023 07:22

15K is an awful lot of money. It’s not up to you to provide this, and the fact her family has turned her down is telling.

TequilaNights · 26/01/2023 07:23

If saying no has caused this reaction, you can tell her this is exactly why you have said no to her request.

A small amount I'd consider, but 15k? Not a chance.

Sunriseinwonderland · 26/01/2023 07:23

No is a full sentence ffs.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2023 07:24

Desperation OR she wants to drive a wedge child and ex (you said she was toxic)

yomellamoHelly · 26/01/2023 07:24

If she can afford to pay it back over just 3 years, then what's stopping her from simply saving for 3 years and then doing the training? It doesn't seem tat long to wait to me.

Emmelina · 26/01/2023 07:28

I wouldn’t. Why has she left it so late? Her son is 15. By the time she qualifies he’ll be an adult making his own way.

if he was more 8 and it was a solid thought out plan then maybe worth further consideration, but not much of this is going to benefit her teenager now.

Cocochat · 26/01/2023 07:30

You say that you provide dss with a solid financial future.
If you can afford the loan and if the ex is reliable and will definitely do the retraining then why not lend the money?
Or could you pay half the loan? And then see if the ex is really determined to retrain.

It’s not about whether or not the ex deserves the help it’s what’s best for your dss.
If his dm is toxic he will realise eventually but 15 is still young.

Goodadvice1980 · 26/01/2023 07:32

I bet if your DH offered to pay for the training directly she’d disagree & want the cash 💰 What is the training for & who is it with?

As other posters have commented, DSS would be 18 when she qualified anyway.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/01/2023 07:34

No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums

They don't need it. But I don't think it's a tabloid worthy story anyway.

And no, taking out a loan for someone else is not a good idea.

Original poster

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6