For DH not to take a loan out for his ex.

[Timeandthymeagain]

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DSS's mum has asked DH to take out a loan for 15k, so she can conduct some additional training to re register a qualification she has allowed to lapse. This is to provide DSS a better financial future.
She is unable to take out the loan herself.
She has asked family who have said no.
She is offering to repay the loan over 3 years, when she secures the role this training will enable her to eligible for.
DH and I provide DSS a very solid financial future.
DH, obviously said no. DSS is now refusing to speak to DH, for reasons unknown. He is 15.
Any advice? Or is this just a case of ignore and block? We've worked so hard to maintain a relationship with DSS in a hugely toxic environment and don't want this to mean we never see him again due to poisoning from his mother.

Did the mum have a career before having the child that has gone by the wayside?
Did the father continue working and getting a good salary whilst mum did the heavy lifting with schooling pick ups etc?
If the above is yes then I can see why she'd ask.
If it's no and she just needs some by to loan her the money then that would be a no

Hold on.

You'd take out a loan for £15k in your own name, for your husband's ex, just because she asked for it? You'd pay that out without understanding why 4 months training has to cost £15k & be residential? And take on the DS for 4 months while she's away "training"?

I bet £15k you would not.
But it's easy to urge others 'by example' when you're never going to be challenged on your worthy claims ...

Maybe Dss could get a job in the future and take care of his own finances?

The kid's father is already making his life so much better.
By going to work, & paying for him.
He doesn't need to pay for his child's mother to go on a training course in order to provide for his child. He's not his ex-wife husband any more, & he;s certainly not her dad, or responsible for her in any way.

He's done his bit, I imagine without asking his ex to borrow £15k on his behalf to enable him to do so.

Exactly

Out of interest, OP, why did she let the qualification lapse?

If it was to look after her DS with little support from elsewhere, then that's a whole other story.

My sister took a loan from her ex to help her buy a bigger place to live. He helped her because it would help her give their joint children a better quality of life, and because depite their break up they have an excellent coparenting relationship. My sister is paying him back, and will complete the repayment in the next 6 months. It is ending very well for all of them.
Obviously it's quite unusual what they have, but I think it's nice that they continue to see themselves as family - even though they are no longer together - and make decisions accordingly. It's not all evil ex's looking to overstep boundaries and take the piss.

DSS moving in for 3 months www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4717205-dss-moving-in-for-3-months

This thread from op gives some background showing the relationship between exes is fraught. Ex makes decisions and op and DH have to jump and change long established plans. Some families can be toxic and some unsupportive but it does raise question marks that her family won't provide any support towards this. Op and get DH would not be mean to say no.

Direct her to sparerooms.com.

You can rent rooms Far cheaper than a grand a week.

Whats happening to 15 year old son if she’s planning to move away for four months? If it’s near enough for him to go to school, then she can travel to the course from home?

Whats happening to 15 year old son if she’s planning to move away for four months?

OP said she expects OP/DH to have him at theirs, despite them having family plans for the period, and despite the fact the training could be done at another time or at least closer to where the ex lives. Oh, and apparently she still expects to receive full maintenance for those months - it's all in the earlier thread

Frankly I'm starting to wonder if this "training" exists at all, or if there's something else going on here

YANBU X

He shouldn’t be putting a debt in his name for her, though. No matter who did the bulk of what.
A debt is a debt and it will be on his credit history, and he might want to reserve that debt for something else to benefit his household which he is very entitled to do.

£15k to do 4 months course?

that’s outrageous! If her own family wouldn’t do it, why should your family? Ask DSS if he’s not speaking to everyone else she asked who said no first too?

honestly, time for them both to see some consequences

It depends

Can he afford it? You say that you and DH will provide DSS with a 'very solid financial future' so possibly.

Is the training / qualification a reasonable idea, or not?

if he can't afford it, no issue, just say no.
If the answer to the questions above is yes, it simply comes down to whether DH wants to facilitate his ex or not.

If her qualification was likely to enhance her son's life so much, why did she let it lapse in the first place?
He's 15, not 5, and presumably lives part time with his father.
What's she been doing till now?

Perhaps the ex has a new partner and she could ask them instead?

She sounds impressively entitled and she shouldn’t be dragging her son into it. I wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole or debate it any longer. It’s a no

I wouldn’t dream of tapping my ex husband up for large sums of money 😳

@bluegreygreen Can he afford it?

Even if he can, does she intend/is she able to repay it?

Given that she has announced this situation with almost no notice, expected the DH and OP to look after DSS for 4 months and cancelling OP's holidays, demanded that maintenance continues as usual, and could have done the whole thing another time/without residential costs, I'd say she is not likely to care about the debt.

Chances are she will happily expect OP's DH to write off 15K as an 'investment in DSS's future' when she decides not to make any repayments.

You may be right - I deliberately hadn't searched through precious posts so was unaware of those details.

I think my points still apply - if he can afford it and it's a good idea it really does come down to how much he wants to facilitate his ex. That doesn't mean he should!

Tell your DSS you were turned down recently for a loan for a car etc so you know you don’t qualify

having a loan out for someone else is always a bad idea. Even if they do give you the payments on time each month it is still a liability on your credit report which can prevent you from taking out other borrowing for yourselves. What if you need to do an urgent house repair or your car shots itself? You want to be able to access loan or mortgage increases without the lender declining it because you are already committed to £X per month. They won’t count the fact that she is giving you money for it.

While she's away studying, she can put her empty home on airbnb or similar and let her house cover the costs of the rental.

Thanks everyone, she's had multiple opportunities to do this previously and has tried once before but didn't complete it. Surely any rational person would work out if they could afford it before turning everyone's life upside down.
She appears to be hanging all her hopes on this training being the answer to all her problems. (Steady income, pension, home ownership, savings)
But there is no guarantee she'll
complete it, no guarantee this will give her a senior role, if she's been away from the sector best part 17 years and has no local experience.
Like someone else said a month long wellness retreat in Bali would do my mental health the world of good, but I can't just walk away from my work, take unpaid leave or expect someone else to pay for it!

well no youre not a bank and even if you did why does she think you should pay maintenance whilst she doesnt even have her son

just finished your other thread-why are you even considering staying with this man after the cruel thing he said to you

You are right to refuse the loan. Family have refused it, you're not family any longer. Your stepson will come round, he's being groomed by his mother, so it's understandable although upsetting for your husband. 15k is a lot of money to update a previous qualification. There are probably other ways to do it, but she has chosen this one. Most refresher courses can be undertaken in different ways, because most people, like your SS's mother, do not have £15,000 handy. You've got no guarantee she'll complete or pass the course, no guarantee she'll get a job that will allow her to repay in excess of £5,000 pa for 3 years. The only guarantee you've got is that you've got a good chance of kissing goodbye to £15,000.