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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DH not to take a loan out for his ex.

134 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:02

No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums

DSS's mum has asked DH to take out a loan for 15k, so she can conduct some additional training to re register a qualification she has allowed to lapse. This is to provide DSS a better financial future.
She is unable to take out the loan herself.
She has asked family who have said no.
She is offering to repay the loan over 3 years, when she secures the role this training will enable her to eligible for.
DH and I provide DSS a very solid financial future.
DH, obviously said no. DSS is now refusing to speak to DH, for reasons unknown. He is 15.
Any advice? Or is this just a case of ignore and block? We've worked so hard to maintain a relationship with DSS in a hugely toxic environment and don't want this to mean we never see him again due to poisoning from his mother.

OP posts:
Nyna · 26/01/2023 08:28

one of the main key points is that she wants to do this course away from home. I guess that means that she could do it while she stays at home. Make it clear (to you DSS mainly) that you will support her with childcare or whatnot, but that she can do it while she stays put and therefore save you all a lot of money

GoldilockMom · 26/01/2023 08:29

If she’s a single parent are t there any government schemes to help with this qualification?

mrsbyers · 26/01/2023 08:40

She should do jt distance learning or at a local facility - piss take to ask imo

CalpolDependant · 26/01/2023 08:43

Cocochat · 26/01/2023 07:30

You say that you provide dss with a solid financial future.
If you can afford the loan and if the ex is reliable and will definitely do the retraining then why not lend the money?
Or could you pay half the loan? And then see if the ex is really determined to retrain.

It’s not about whether or not the ex deserves the help it’s what’s best for your dss.
If his dm is toxic he will realise eventually but 15 is still young.

😂

Why not give her your house too?

Tamarindtree · 26/01/2023 08:50

‘No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums.’

😂 Don’t post on a public forum then.

No your partner should not take out a loan for anyone else.

Testina · 26/01/2023 08:55

I think I could imagine a scenario in which I’d agree to this.

A reliable ex where the training was guaranteed come with work (example a short return to nursing type re-registration), where the ex’s registration had lapsed because of decisions we’d made when married. The old SAHM discussion. If I had lots of money.

But I’m fascinated on what takes 4 months and costs £15K, even allowing for accommodation!

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2023 08:55

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

Does she not have the opportunity to do it locally? And who would be looking after DSS? £15,000 is a lot of money! Of course YANBU to say no.

diddl · 26/01/2023 08:58

Does she not have the opportunity to do it locally?

I wondered this.

Is it that she wants to be away so that she can concentrate fully on the studying?

MatronicO6 · 26/01/2023 09:18

Absolutely stick to your guns. You shouldn't take out credit on behalf of someone else. The fact that even family have refused is very telling. Also it is clear she has involved your DSS in this and used it to negatively impact his relationship with his father shows her immaturity and pettiness. Hardly traits of a reliable and trustworthy person.

Moonlightsonatas · 26/01/2023 09:21

sanityisamyth · 26/01/2023 07:08

"No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums "

The post is already out of your possession by publishing it on a public forum. Your disclaimer holds no water.

It’s like those Facebook posts saying that their data can’t be posted elsewhere 😂

Warrensrabbit · 26/01/2023 09:24

I don’t know that this is as simple as people are making out. What were the childcare arrangements over the last 15 years? Has her qualification lapsed because she wasn’t able to work because she was caring for his child? She may now be looking to the future and the child leaving home and see a chance to restart her career that she sacrificed for your DPs child?
Personally I think it might be most unfair if she’s lost her career taking on the bulk of the childcare whilst your DP has been free to climb the career ladder

ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 09:27

I agrée with everyone else, say no, explain why you are saying no, and leave it at that.

I thought you might get more insight though with wider coverage so have copied your post to Pistonheads and MoneySaving Expert.

I’ve also sent a version to the Mail, but thought I should add a bit of “spice” to get them to cover it so put in that you had a fling with her and she’s threatening to reveal all if she doesn’t get the money.

sanityisamyth · 26/01/2023 09:30

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

It's more likely to attract their attention!

LittleAnonymouse · 26/01/2023 09:37

DH's EXW did the same - well, asked to sell their jointly owned house and "borrow" his half (we're taking over 150k), she promised to pay it back in a few years and even said she would get a solicitors agreement written up - he was considering it for a few minutes until I reminded him that no amount of solicitors letters could magic up money out of thin air if she didn't have it to pay back, and we would never be able to buy our own house (we were renting as he was still mortgaged to their house and all his money was tied up in it). My EXH also asked me when I was just about to give birth if I could take a loan out for his mother - who at that time was in the country illegally and had a mass of debt, I said categorically no and all hell broke loose.

Absolutely do not do this - your credit rating would be affected, and potentially screwed if she doesn't pay the repayments, unless you covered them yourselves. So, unless you can afford to actually pay 15k (plus interest) out of your own pocket - as that is a distinct possibility - don't even consider it.

Your DSS is not a young child anymore - this might be an opportunity to teach him about borrowing money and credit ratings and how both can significantly affect your life.

LittleAnonymouse · 26/01/2023 09:40

Why does she want to do it away from home? Is there a valid reason?

Elderflower14 · 26/01/2023 09:40

It's ridiculous to post about no permission... That is ten times more likely to make them post it!! 🤔 😂

dianekeatonsocks · 26/01/2023 09:41

Against the grain
if you can afford it and to potentially lose it I’d do it
seems like she’s exhausted all options

TheWelshTart · 26/01/2023 09:47

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:18

I just can't understand why she would ask ?

She feels that he owes her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/01/2023 09:47

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

Could she take it locally?

stripedsox · 26/01/2023 09:58

This sounds like making a fast buck to me. Ex sounds very flakey and this sounds like emotional blackmail, for something she'd already lapsed on. 🤔Anyway how would you know that studying isn't being done locally, living at home and pocketing the difference?
I'm cynical by nature.

Ariela · 26/01/2023 09:58

Tell him to point her towards www.gov.uk/advanced-learner-loan

IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2023 10:01

15,000 for 4 months?
3750 per month.
That's to cover her entire household bills plus her temporary accomodation isn't it?

What utter horse shit.

NewFriday · 26/01/2023 10:04

What is the qualification? £15k seems a lot for a refresher?

In principle, I'd help my child's other parent with this if I could, but obviously there are other factors around the character of the people involved.

NewFriday · 26/01/2023 10:06

NewFriday · 26/01/2023 10:04

What is the qualification? £15k seems a lot for a refresher?

In principle, I'd help my child's other parent with this if I could, but obviously there are other factors around the character of the people involved.

Ah sorry, I missed the bit about the accomodation. Where will DSS be living during this time?

Is it possible to do the training locally?

Is there any funding available?

MimiandFifi · 26/01/2023 10:07

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