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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DH not to take a loan out for his ex.

134 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:02

No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums

DSS's mum has asked DH to take out a loan for 15k, so she can conduct some additional training to re register a qualification she has allowed to lapse. This is to provide DSS a better financial future.
She is unable to take out the loan herself.
She has asked family who have said no.
She is offering to repay the loan over 3 years, when she secures the role this training will enable her to eligible for.
DH and I provide DSS a very solid financial future.
DH, obviously said no. DSS is now refusing to speak to DH, for reasons unknown. He is 15.
Any advice? Or is this just a case of ignore and block? We've worked so hard to maintain a relationship with DSS in a hugely toxic environment and don't want this to mean we never see him again due to poisoning from his mother.

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 26/01/2023 07:35

She is no longer your DP's responsibility and, by the time she's retrained, dss will be an adult.

The fact that she can't take out a loan herself, and all other family have said no, suggests she may be unreliable.

It is a ridiculous request. Will you be repaying the loan while she retrains? And then chasing her for monthly repayments over the three years? All with no legal recourse if she just decides to stop paying.

But dss loves his mum and wants her to be happy and to have a better future. It's understandable I think that he's grumpy with his dad about it. At 15 he still expects things to work out as planned. I think dp needs to explain it in a way he'll understand and then move on from it.

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 07:36

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

Am assuming the dss will also then stay with you for the period of time she's living away from home?

donttellmehesalive · 26/01/2023 07:36

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

There has to be a cheaper way of doing it. £15k for four months!

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

OP posts:
trainer3 · 26/01/2023 07:38

You can't post your opening paragraph and then just assume either Mumsnet or the daily hate agree to your terms. They have to reply first saying they agree. Otherwise you've disclosed information that won't be treated as you want.

Besides you may want to read Mumsnet terms and conditions. They have every right and you have frankly little...
www.mumsnet.com/i/terms-of-use

FiveShelties · 26/01/2023 07:40

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

I don't think anything would put off the press if they thought it would be an interesting story. They probably have a search to bring up threads with a disclaimer on.

Does she need to live away from home to do the course?

meetmeatmidnights · 26/01/2023 07:40

Definitely keep saying no! There's a reason she's unable to get the credit, it's because she doesn't have the means to pay it back / is in a situation where she's not paid things back previously. Also the fact none of her family would do it for her is a huge red flag.

To provide a better financial future for an 15 year old?! She won't secure a role for 3 years after the training if I've understood your OP, so DSS will be 18 and able to help support the himself. It's not like he's 4!

She's probably filling his head with nonsense 🤷🏻‍♀️

LCforlife · 26/01/2023 07:40

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

It really isn't you know.

I'd explain to your stepson that borrowing money is risky and borrowing for anyone else isn't ok so it's not personal against his mum. Leave it there and hopefully he'll come around.

trainer3 · 26/01/2023 07:41

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

Not in the slightest

LizzieSiddal · 26/01/2023 07:42

I do feel for her. If she’s trying to provide a better future for herself and her son by completing some training that’s brilliant. But no I wouldn’t give her the money.

Such a shame she can’t get the money from somewhere.

MissMarplesbag · 26/01/2023 07:45

Can she not to do this training closer to home or save half the fees so the person taking the loan out has less of a financial risk.

user8545 · 26/01/2023 07:46

No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums

😂😂

Thighlengthboots · 26/01/2023 07:47

Keep your boundaries and continue to say no. It’s never ever a good idea to finance loans to people even if they promise to pay it back. You know what will happen- she’ll ask to pay it back later and then use emotional blackmail to put off payments saying she’ll start when she gets this job or that job then something else will come up and it will be a pity party all over again. There is probably a significant reason why the bank won’t loan it to her - she either has poor credit or her budget shows repayments will be impossible. You could always sit down with DSS and gently explain the financial repercussions. Don’t give in.

MargaretThursday · 26/01/2023 07:52

That's approximately £125 a night.
Find her a travel lodge and you'll halve it at least

LizzieSiddal · 26/01/2023 07:57

Is the 15K ALL for accommodation?! Can’t sue find an air B&B, a room in someone’s house. That would be so much cheaper.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 07:59

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:18

I just can't understand why she would ask ?

Because the bank said no, & her family said no.

DSS should not even have known that his mother had made this request.
She's clearly primed him to feel angry at his dad, which is a revolting piece of manipulation. She's prepared to use her own child as a pawn in a game of emotional blackmail. Not a person who can be trusted.

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.
It costs £15k to pay her home rent & temp accommodation costs for 4 months?
Nearly a grand a week?
She's got to be having you on.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/01/2023 08:00

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

No it isn't. They'll laugh when they see it.

But I don't think this is a Fail/Express story.

Ihatepcos · 26/01/2023 08:04

Well the obvious question is what can't she get a loan?

The answer is more than likely because she has bad credit and can't be trusted to repay it. Her family have also taken the same opinion and so should your DH.

As for manipulating children, he's 15 and will very soon be at an age where he realises exactly what she's doing.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/01/2023 08:09

Are you the lady whose husband is being a twat about his ex also wanting you to look after DSS for those 4 months, which has a massive impact on your life; and not his?

Pollyputthekettleonha · 26/01/2023 08:16

If she can't get a loan herself she probably had poor credit. I think you could only loan her this money if you can afford to never see the £15k ever again, it seemed likely you won't get it back. If you can't afford this then it's a hard no, but it wouldn't be unreasonable to say no anyway. It would be good to sit and talk to DSS about budgeting, credit history, debt etc to explain the reasons properly if you can get through to him.
I agree this qualification will probably primarily benefit her rather than DSS as he is nearly an adult, if he was 2 it might be different. I am presuming DH has paid a decent amount of maintenance regularly and she hasn't been left short over the years? As my answer would change otherwise.

Dibbydoos · 26/01/2023 08:17

OP you are not being unreasonable. What a CF.

Has she tried to get an educational loan? That's where she should start. The education provider may be able to direct her.

I hope your DSS comes round. He's probably getting it in the neck and at 15yo he has a lot of other things on so fighting it on all faces will be hard. Be there when he shakes free of the crap x

Hankunamatata · 26/01/2023 08:20

I wouldn't lend the money. What training is she looking to do?

gingergingerginger · 26/01/2023 08:21

Don't forget that if you have a loan in your own names going out of your bank account, it'll have an impact on your own credit and affordability. So if you wanted to get your own loan, or credit card, or car finance, or even remortgage, you might find that you're unable to. That might be an additional 'excuse' to say no.

MuchTooTired · 26/01/2023 08:23

If you DH is able to get the credit and provide the loan to her, could he withhold child support whilst it’s still outstanding? Or loan an equivalent amount to the child support due until he no longer has to pay it?

ButterCrackers · 26/01/2023 08:28

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

Wow - that sounds like a nice holiday time away from her home that she wants you to pay for. There has to be local or online options for studying.

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