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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DH not to take a loan out for his ex.

134 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:02

No permission has been given for this to be re printed or published on any other forums

DSS's mum has asked DH to take out a loan for 15k, so she can conduct some additional training to re register a qualification she has allowed to lapse. This is to provide DSS a better financial future.
She is unable to take out the loan herself.
She has asked family who have said no.
She is offering to repay the loan over 3 years, when she secures the role this training will enable her to eligible for.
DH and I provide DSS a very solid financial future.
DH, obviously said no. DSS is now refusing to speak to DH, for reasons unknown. He is 15.
Any advice? Or is this just a case of ignore and block? We've worked so hard to maintain a relationship with DSS in a hugely toxic environment and don't want this to mean we never see him again due to poisoning from his mother.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 26/01/2023 10:09

Warrensrabbit · 26/01/2023 09:24

I don’t know that this is as simple as people are making out. What were the childcare arrangements over the last 15 years? Has her qualification lapsed because she wasn’t able to work because she was caring for his child? She may now be looking to the future and the child leaving home and see a chance to restart her career that she sacrificed for your DPs child?
Personally I think it might be most unfair if she’s lost her career taking on the bulk of the childcare whilst your DP has been free to climb the career ladder

This would have been levelled up and addressed in a divorce settlement.

But I’m fascinated on what takes 4 months and costs £15K, even allowing for accommodation!

Me too!

BabyDriversMummy · 26/01/2023 10:12

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

I want to go on a Yoga Retreat to Bali.
We all ‘want’ something!

NO. What a liberty.

fairysimples · 26/01/2023 10:12

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:37

I know the statement at the top holds no weight, but its slightly off putting.

No. Sorry.

Mirabai · 26/01/2023 10:16

She could do a whole OU degree for 15k not just some 4 month course.

The obvious answer is an online qualification - of which there are 1000s.

Catspyjamas17 · 26/01/2023 10:28

Hell no.

Ludo19 · 26/01/2023 10:29

She's asked because she's a CF

GasPanic · 26/01/2023 10:31

Why can't she make a business case to a bank and borrow it ?

If it is to replace lapsed training (of value) then they should be able to see the point in it and will lend against it.

Either that, or there may be some charity help/government grants available.

www.gov.uk/career-development-loans

whynotwhatknot · 26/01/2023 10:33

erm no -she doesnt have to leave her home and even then youre supposed to cover all that and have dsc living with you permanently wit i assume no maintenance

fruitbrewhaha · 26/01/2023 10:33

Your DH needs to tell DSS that he wouldn't be able to borrow this money for his mum either. Tell him that banks and money lender have worked out how, who and when they should lend money. That they have to be careful not to lend money to people who will either default or struggle to pay it back. That if his Mum started struggling to pay the loan off it would be stressful and they could lose their house etc. These banks are the professionals and have sophisticated criteria to work this out so you have to trust that they know what they are doing and therefore you couldn't lend the money either.

His mum will find another way.

JustDrama · 26/01/2023 10:36

It's telling that her own family won't help.

Cocochat · 26/01/2023 10:37

Warrensrabbit · 26/01/2023 09:24

I don’t know that this is as simple as people are making out. What were the childcare arrangements over the last 15 years? Has her qualification lapsed because she wasn’t able to work because she was caring for his child? She may now be looking to the future and the child leaving home and see a chance to restart her career that she sacrificed for your DPs child?
Personally I think it might be most unfair if she’s lost her career taking on the bulk of the childcare whilst your DP has been free to climb the career ladder

This^^

So many nasty pp’s.
Potentially the ex could make her ds’s life so much better with some help from his df.
Surely the training could at least be explored and evaluated before saying no.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2023 10:39

I just can't understand why she would ask ?

Presumably because her own family have said no, which is telling iin itself

Given that she needs money for accommodation I'd say the chances of any money actually being spent on the "qualification" are slight, as could be the chances of it being repaid, and if you had to chase her the situation with DSS could become even worse

So as you've already recognised, you'd be mad to agree

whynotwhatknot · 26/01/2023 10:39

of co9urse she has every right to retrain but within reason-from home like everybody else has to -not swan off for months at someone esles expensive

Cocochat · 26/01/2023 10:39

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:18

I just can't understand why she would ask ?

Perhaps because your dh is her child’s parent.
If everyone else has said no then she probably didn’t want to ask but your dh is the last chance to help her retrain.

TheShellBeach · 26/01/2023 10:47

YABU for thinking that your disclaimer has any legal standing.

MeridianB · 26/01/2023 11:00

I've read your other thread and she is a hostile ex, so there no goodwill on her side from the outset to repay this loan. It is essentially giving her the money.

She shouldn't be burdening DSS with money matters.

euff · 26/01/2023 11:09

Hell no. Especially if the other thread I'm thinking of is you. I might think differently if there was a good relationship and trust but this is the complete opposite.

sueelleker · 26/01/2023 11:09

when she secures the role this training will enable her to eligible for.
Just because she'd be eligible for a role doesn't mean she'd get it. Not unless it's already been promised, contingent on her getting the training.

LakeTiticaca · 26/01/2023 11:26

Absolutely don't do this. In the event of her non payment you will be stuck with the debt and as it will be in your name you have no leg to stand on

PennyRa · 26/01/2023 11:28

Will child support come to 15k over three years?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2023 11:30

If everyone else has said no then she probably didn’t want to ask ...

Having now read OP's other thread, it could be even more important to consider why everyone else has said no

If OP/DH were to do this at all, they might as well regard it as simply giving the ex the money - because that's almost certainly what it would amount to, and even then there's every chance it wouldn't be spent on the proposed purpose

ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 11:31

Cocochat · 26/01/2023 10:37

This^^

So many nasty pp’s.
Potentially the ex could make her ds’s life so much better with some help from his df.
Surely the training could at least be explored and evaluated before saying no.

Show quote history

But why? Banks (who have a very good understanding of risk) have turned her down and her own relatives have turned her down, why would the OP now step up and pay for her?

Glittertwins · 26/01/2023 11:33

Timeandthymeagain · 26/01/2023 07:35

It's a 4 month course, she needs the money to stay in temp accommodation whilst she maintains her current rental. She wants to do the training away from home.

Then she needs to find a course that is not residential. We all have to budget for stuff and cut cloth accordingly. Her family have already said no so there must be a very good reason for that. She is also divorced from your now DH - I bet there's a good reason for that too!!

LittleAnonymouse · 26/01/2023 12:18

Just read your other post - it's just solidified my previous post that you should absolutely not do this, she sounds flaky at best; having the opportunity to regain her qualification before but not fulfilling the requirements, landing a huge change to both you and your DSS at a moments notice, deciding to do this out of state when she is able to do it locally etc. Plus, the banks aren't willing to loan her the money and her family has refused to take out a loan for her - which tells you something about their perception of how capable or likely she is to pay it back.

Sartre · 26/01/2023 12:26

Unless she has prior for this sort of thing, I’d say she must be pretty desperate to ask her exH! Most people would rather die than resort to begging an ex for money…

Obviously YANBU to say no though, 15k is a heck of a lot.