To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

Definitely you need more time to yourself and rest etc, I would suggest wherever possible that happens with husband or friend or family with the baby not him left alone crying as that's more likely to increase his clingy behavior. He will learn that other people can hold and sooth him. Your husband will need to take him for an hour or two not giving up after ten mins. Soon he will start to learn to play more, will he sit in the floor with you for a bit and look at toys? It will get so much easier soon. A carrier would help you so much, being able to pop him on your back for an hour while you make breakfast or wash up etc hands free.
If he likes to stAnd have you thought about a jumparoo or baby bouncer?
I went back to work when my little one was seven months and she soon got used to being apart from me. It did us both the world of good. She still now prefers to be held but she will play or sit and watch me more with less winging.

Some of these posts are ridiculous. Our adopted son in this first year of life had birth mum, 3 sets of foster carers, then his forever family. That has the potential to cause trauma. Leaving a well loved baby for a few minutes is fine.

Examples of neglect is leaving a baby in soiled nappy in their cot all day, not talking or engaging with the baby, not feeding them appropriately etc etc. Not leaving a baby for a few mins.

Op. I would listen to the sensible advice on the thread and ignore the hyperbole. Most importantly, protect your own mental health and recharge your batteries.

Because it works. If he already can’t be put down the the carrier distributes the weight better and is much more comfortable than actually using your arms.
You don’t need to have him in a sling for 9-10 hours a day but for the fussy stages you should really try it.
The reality is he’s a 7 month old baby. A few of them are quite dozy and unaware and will just lie there looking at the ceiling, but most of them fuss and want to be held. It’s just normal.
I would always do at least 2 periods of the day with DD in the carrier at home. Usually mid morning and the fussy early evening stage. It meant I could potter about, stick a wash on, get food on and have a cup of tea all while DD was happy looking about.

OP, my advice is limited but I’m here for solidarity.

I have a 7mo who also can’t be put down. She used to be such a bonny little thing and then one day… she just exploded.

I have several sling / carrier options that I cycle through to try and save my poor back. It’s useful to have the hands free option so that I can poo. 😢

I’ve lost almost a stone in missed meals though. So there is that.

It can’t last forever and you’re not alone. We’re all here to support you. Apart from the people that say letting your baby cry for 2 minutes will turn them into a serial killer. Those people are just pious meanies and we ignore them.

I’m sorry but baby is 7 months old. He doesn’t have the brain or emotional development to be manipulative by crying. They are crying as they want to be held by mum as that is where they feel safe and calm.

sorry you are going through this OP. It’s hard but will pass at some point. It’s fine to let them have a little cry but I wouldnt want to leave them for long periods. Have you considering wearing baby in a sling or harness? That way you have both hands free to some simple chores. Enjoy a drink. Baby will probably fall asleep there and you can have a sit down! I’m not suggesting you put baby in a sling all day everyday but baby wearing honestly saved me some days. also if you go to a sling library and get properly fitted for an appropriate one it shouldn’t hurt your back as the weight will be distributed properly and will be much more comfortable then holding a baby in your arms all day!

unfortuantely some babies (mine included) are clingy little beasts and I certainly wasn’t prepared for it. It does get easier but my 18 months still wants to just be held and carried some days and is always very clingy.

My 12 year old DSis often carried DS in an Ergo carrier when he was a 10kg toddler.

@Daniella36

give over!

The child will not be traumatised

he could be if his mother has a mental breakdown though which could happen if she isn’t allowed just a little bit of time for herself

going to the toilet on her own for example isn’t a lot to ask, it’s a basic human right

I just wanted to add please take DC to the GP just to check there isn't a physical cause for this. We had similar and it turned out our LO had an ear infection. He was a different baby after a course of antibiotics! We really kicked ourselves for not taking him sooner, we had almost decided it was just his personality. Obviously I don't know if that's the case here but it's worth trying.

Stop catastrophising. The baby is not going to be negatively affected by a bit of crying. What will negatively affect him is having a mother who is so ground down and exhausted by never being able to put him down that she starts to resent his very existence. That will then affect the bond she is able to form with him and will be far longer lasting than any upset caused by putting him down for a few minutes while she hangs some washing out.

OP, there are some really helpful and constructive comments in this thread. Ignore the ones who waffle on about trauma and neglect. Putting your baby down while you go about your daily business will not harm him at all, in any way. And it might just save your sanity.

@AFS1 Stop minimising.

Oh for gods sake - where is the trauma? What if she had twins and one of them physically could not demand the level of attention they are demanding now, traumatised for life is it?

What if the mum was hospitalised for something and could not provide this level of attention through no fault of her own? Child screwed up for life yea?

What if she could not afford to take that amount of mat leave and had to go back to work earlier and therefore wouldn't be as present as she is now, a messed up kid for life?

Get a bloody grip - half the nation must be "traumatised" as you put it then. Our parents generation didn't go on like this, stop with the fluffy crap.

OP, I empathise with you - you do whatever you need to get yourself some time! Life (contrary to what this knob says) will not end and you will all the better for it! Good luck.

Oh my goodness - my middle daughter was completely like this. She just wanted to cling to me all the time.

I cried a lot.

A neighbour came over with a long scarf thing and tied her on my back. This video shows it

You don't feel their weight and they are super happy up there. I used to put her in there in the morning and she would stay there most of the day. I would take her down to feed her and change her nappy.

I could then basically ignore her, have my arms back to myself and carry on with my day. It was a lifesaver.

She is a confident, healthy and happy teenager now 😁

Also - huge hugs. I completely understand your pain

I have the clingiest baby. She screams every second she’s not attached to me. She wants to be held and interacted with 100% of time she is awake and hardly ever naps. Sometimes I have to leave her to scream for a couple of minutes. It’s not tough love it’s out of necessity! I have 2 other children who also need looking after and a house to keep on top of. I’ve let standards slip a certain amount to keep her happy but I can’t neglect my other 2 children to keep her happy 100% of time. Obviously you don’t have the other children to think of but seriously yes just put him down to go to the toilet. Nothing bad will happen if he screams for 1 minute.

I haven’t read every post but I’m wondering if a baby gym might entertain him.. he can lie and roll/reach to play etc safely?
My DD is disabled and can’t walk and I had to learn to adapt to the limitations of some standard practices with babies.
I remember having a Fisher price (I think) baby “tv” that had moving sea creatures and played tunes. There are probably apps that have lullabies and baby songs that he might find comforting if he were in a chair/bouncer/Walker when age appropriate or in whatever he can be placed in. If he can see you and you can interact while going about your business (you can pop over and kiss him) and do that for ten minutes at a time. I had to constantly change what I was doing- ten minutes of bouncing/ten minutes of reading/ten minutes of her lying down/ten minutes of walks or whatever.
It’s exhausting carrying a baby because the frustration builds too so it seems a million times worse.
It will pass OP but try to get at least half an hour to yourself every day

You need to do what's best for you. However it is worth restating some of those facts; baby is not controlling, or demanding, or trying to break you, or having bad habits, or clingy etc.

Baby is being a baby and reaches out for the comfort and reassurance he needs from you as his mum. It will absolutely pass. It is also biologically normal though other babies may behave differently for a variety of reasons. It is natural for baby to want that contact from you as mum first and foremost. It will be different when he gets older. Remember so far he has been in your tummy longer than outside of it. Worth putting it in perspective.

Does it mean you have to hold him 247 if you are struggling? No, if you are struggling look at what you can do. First look at what you can delegate or delay so that you can hold baby without worrying. Would baby wearing help? I goy loads of stuff done that way.
But if you need a break you need a break and see if someone will give you a hand in taking baby for a bit. Letting him cry for a short time should be your last choice but it can be a valid choice given the circumstances.

Mine was the same - the first year or so was awful - it made me very depressed and I ended up on antidepressants. But he has grown into an extremely confident, independent kid who has happily trotted into pre-school every day for over a year without a backward glance to me!

So OP yes it is extremely tough I know how you feel. Please don’t feel like your cuddles are making it worse. If your instinct is to hold and comfort your baby, then you should. That said, it will not do any harm to them to be left to cry for a minute while you go to the loo or whatever you need to do. I used to use a jumperoo - it was a god send!

One thing I haven’t seen mentioned unless I’ve missed it is naps - I didn’t realise the affects of overtiredness on my little one until I spoke to a sleep consultant (far too late I might add, wish I’d known sooner!) some kids (mine at 4 still) are very sensitive to being overtired and will scream the place down. Read up on ‘wake windows’. Find out the max wake time for a baby of 7 months and stick to it. Even if that means walking around rocking them, or taking baby for a walk or whatever you need to do to get them to nod off. It’s draining but it was a game changer for us and I wish I’d paid more attention to it from birth. I just thought he’d just simply fall asleep if he was tired - which he didn’t!! I think a lot of the early screamathons were pure overtiredness.

I fully sympathise with you. I promise it will get better xx

The reason to suggest a carrier is that a good one will distribute the weight over your hips and SAVE your back, not break it. And you can move him to your back when he gets too long.

can you try one minute at a time?
put him down for one minute, every hour. Help him learn that you will come back?
stay in his sight, verbally reassure/ talk to him, just dont pick him up for the whole minute.

Hopefully you can extend the minute to two and so on, as he calms.

That sounds really hard for you!

Please try to find out what it is that makes your baby so much attached to you rather that giving him tough love. From what I have read craniosacral therapy may help. He may be in pain of some sorts and the contact with you and movement may be making it better.

@RoundUpRuby

people don’t have kids to be a martyr to them.

You still have to look after yourself as well as your children.

And op is hardly looking to leave the baby and travel around Europe or whatever is she? She’s wanting to be able to go to toilet and put a wash on!

everyone I know will do that stuff and if baby cries so be it. I mean what’s the alternative, mum and her other kids having no clean clothes to avoid baby crying for a couple of mins?!

He sounds completely overstimulated. Don't dance and sing and carry him everywhere, what would you do if you had toddler twins as well who needed nappy changes etc? Put him down with some toys Talk to him in a normal tone and get on with what you need to do.

Assuming you have tried a scarf or a baby sling to carry your baby around while you have free hands?

Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve got 2 who both showed signs of becoming like this, although not as bad. No, I did not carry them round all day and I never ever took either to the loo with me. Guess what - they’re early 20s and teens now and do not have suppressed emotions- so I am in a very strong position to talk about outcomes. This is not to pile any pressure on you, OP - but I really think you need to start looking after yourself. You can’t keep going like this.

There’s some great advice on this thread. DH needs to step up and start taking baby out on his own. Yes, he will kick off at first so DH has to persevere. No more taking him to the loo with you. He has to learn that you will not hold him all day long.

If only I’d been as determined over getting rid of the dummy.

Have you tried baby wearing? Pop baby in a sling and get your hands free