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Original poster

To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

309 replies

wednesdayjones · 25/01/2023 23:44

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 26/01/2023 08:38

This sounds really hard op. I expect he is frustrated but has no idea why. Normally around 7 months is when they begin sitting independently, rolling and some even crawling and playing with rattles and things. You haven't mentioned if he can do this but if he spends a lot of time being held I expect he might not have built up the strength for it yet. I would really recommend one of those galt blow up rings to sit him in (supervised) he can practice balancing and reaching for things and build up some strength, you can sit next to it and wave toys at him encourage him to try to reach you. He might also get frustrated here but use lots of praise if he does something other than scream to be picked up, give the screaming neutral attention. Others also mentioned a jumparoo which would be good idea too. It's way too exhausting for you to be carrying him all the time. Does he like books? I would also suggest spending 10 mins interacting with him before you are going to pop him in a high chair / play pen while you do a quick chore in his sight. So read a book together and then tell him Mummy is just going to fold these towels. Then maybe leave him upheld for 5 mins and then go back with lots of hugs and positive talk. Next time leave it a bit longer etc. It won't work immediately but should help. Good luck.

erehj · 26/01/2023 08:43

My DD 1 was like this. Very alert very sensitive baby, easily bored!

Does he spend any time on the floor / play mat etc? What are his gross motor skills like? Is he crawling, does he pull himself up? It might get better when he can walk around and investigate things himself so I'd be making sure he gets as much floor time as possible to speed this up.

So will he sit in front of you if you play and entertain him? What toys does he have? I'd invest in some interesting noisy toys that can be manipulated, bashed, shaken etc - drums, puzzles , etc light up stuff. Sit in front of him and demonstrate then experiment with slinking off.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/01/2023 08:44

RoundUpRuby · 26/01/2023 08:09

@AFS1 Stop minimising.

@RoundUpRuby

that poster is completely right

she isn’t minimising at all

VivaVivaa · 26/01/2023 08:45

Another post just bringing the solidarity! DS was an extremely difficult baby, especially in the second half of his first year. It’s weird, he wasn’t ‘clingy’, in that he didn’t like being held in a cuddle or in the sling. But he did want to be carried and walked around all the freaking time. He was born exceptionally alert and he just craved the stimulation. I think he also realised when he was down on the ground the limitations of his own body. I tried to meet his needs as much as I could, but I would leave him with DH and I would put him down while I did some chores, often to exceptionally angry screaming. He never crawled (go figure), but he became the most fiercely independent toddler as soon as he could walk. He’s nearly 3 now and actively dives out of my arms if I try and pick him up. You are in a supremely tricky phase (months 7-14 ish have been by far the worst for me), but it will pass.

CatLoaf · 26/01/2023 08:49

Please ignore RoundUpRuby OP, PLEASE!

underneaththeash · 26/01/2023 08:51

BrownCowHowNow · 26/01/2023 00:07

People will say that you will not harm the baby by letting him cry for a while but they don't know that.
Babies are all different and have different needs.
Do you use a baby sling/carrier to allow you have both hands free?

We do know that though, every other generation of children was left to cry for a bit, I left mine to cry too and which is the generation with the most mental health problems? This one......

(I have three children with absolutely no mental health issues at all).

Mumto32022 · 26/01/2023 08:56

My baby who is now 14 months old is like this and still is. Maybe a bit better as she’s walking and a bit more independent.
however babies only realise they’re separate from their mother from around 6 months old and this is when the separation anxiety occurs, it’s obvious you have a good attachment. On hard days I try and remember that. But yes, I do leave her to cry when I have things to do like washing up/ wash on etc. I always explain to her what I’m doing and I’ll pick her up in a minute. Leaving him to cry for 5-10 mins whilst you do something won’t hurt. Also have you used a baby carrier? I sometimes use one in the house still. I think it’s important to remember he’s not being manipulative, he’s a baby, they can’t be manipulative

Twillow · 26/01/2023 08:58

wednesdayjones · 26/01/2023 00:00

That's what I'm hoping, that it will teach him independent play. But not sure if it's the right thing or he'll get traumatised.

Show quote history

I came on because I thought you might be thinking about controlled crying for sleep training, which I don't like very much I'm afraid.
This is very different. He absolutely won't be traumatised for life, so long as he knows you or a significant other is nearby - it's not like you're locking him in a darkened room!
You're the one currently being traumatised, remember - and that will affect your parenting. You're worn down. It's a horrible stage but it will get better with a little resolve.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 26/01/2023 08:59

Babies will cry like putting them down is the worst thing that has ever happened to them because it is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to them.

I'm not saying make sure he has worse experiences.

But definitely put him down when you know he is safe, clean, full, dry and do what you need to do because how else is he meant to gain any perspective?

When your needs are met you can meet his needs better.

MatronicO6 · 26/01/2023 09:00

My nephew was a bit like this with his mum. They were advised to find other ways to comfort baby once put down, instead of picking him up. So lots of smiling, talking, singing to help him feel safe in another space besides mum's arms. SIL also did lots of walking out or hiding but then popping back in with a big smile or funny face to help teach baby she was still there. Just started doing this with my 9 month old as she is starting to get a bit of separation anxiety. It seems to be working.

Fleur405 · 26/01/2023 09:00

My daughter was like this until she got mobile.

What I did was get a play mat/some toys for the bathroom which made it much easier to get ready in the morning etc/have a pee.

I was always so jealous of the babies sitting/napping happily in their pram while mum had a coffee. But when I catch up with other mums/babies, usually one of them would take her for 5 minutes (because their babies always happily nap in their prams!) and I got quite adept at drinking my coffee/eating cake with one hand. Now at 10 months she happily sits in the high chair most of the time and at home is quite happy playing and entertaining herself for 5/10 minutes at a time while I get a few small chores done. So it will get better! I can’t help with naps though.

What I would say is there is no harm in baby crying for a minute or two while you have a pee. My daughter often cries in the car seat but obviously she just has to wait until we stop - it’s not going to cause trauma.

I know it’s hard but it is just a phase and will pass before too long. Please don’t think of it as him manipulating/controlling you though - he cannot help it!

museumum · 26/01/2023 09:05

Have you tried something like the jumperoo? My ds was desperate to stand/walk and move about from 6mo but this gave me some short breaks.

To give my 7months old 'tough love'?
DailySnooze · 26/01/2023 09:09

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

29052022J · 26/01/2023 09:10

Not sure if it’s something you would
want to try but have you tried co-sleeping? Recommended it to my friend whose 12 month old wasn’t sleeping through and refusing naps and it worked for her - she’s a SAHM. I’m not a SAHM but I did try to lie with my little one for most of his naps at home and do co-sleep if needed. He seems happy in his cot now but honestly I think it works a treat. Your little bubs probably has separation anxiety but this will pass. Stay strong you’re doing your best. If you lie with him for his nap you can get some rest, sure there’s other things you want to do but this time will pass quickly.

RedRobyn2021 · 26/01/2023 09:12

How is he when you're in the car? I used to sing to my daughter when I couldn't hold her and she loved that. Stopped the crying every time.

My daughter didn't want to be put down at this age, we did contact naps for about 19 months, all of them were done by me up until 13 months when I went back to work, then my mum and her dad did them. And it's only been very recently (she is 23 months now) that I've been able to feed her to sleep and then go and have some time alone during her 1 nap. Around the same age she stopped having false starts on an evening so now I have my evenings back as well which is so wonderful.

It's hard, like super super hard. Your child is very young and I promise they're not manipulating you, they're just a baby who wants their mum. Are you feeling down all the time or does it come in fits and bursts?

I don't have any constructive advice accept lean in to it "surrender" stop fighting it and trust in your gut that little by little, the more responsive you are the less he will need you. The more you fight it the worse you will feel. That's my experience anyway.

There will be a time for boundaries but IMO now isn't it, he's too young.

Sending lots of love and strength to you.

dottiedodah · 26/01/2023 09:17

This sounds very hard going. You need to put yourself first. Then can look after baby. A playpen or a bouncer may help.im sure most babies would prefer to be held all day long .just not practical for most. I'm sure all 2nd 3rd and consecutive dc are not traumatised.when the weather improves take him out and about in his pram he will enjoy the fresh air .you need to eat and see chums

CatLoaf · 26/01/2023 09:17

It would be worse for your baby if you completely crack under the pressure of this - better for everyone all round if you just put him down safely and can put a wash on or whatever you need to do. Massive sympathies OP, it sounds so tough. You're doing an amazing job! My DD was happy to just be left for a bit, and I honestly don't think I could have coped with what you're describing.

Due another one quite soon, so we'll see what happens... But I just won't be able to hold it all the time, not happening!

FrustatedAgain · 26/01/2023 09:19

You do need to teach him that you won't hold him all the time. At mealtimes at home I'd be putting him in a highchair with some toys whilst you cook and maybe a snack. He can still see you.
I know its hard and it feels like someone is squeezing your brain when he cries but currently when you give in you're teaching him he can control you.
It's not tough love it's teaching him he can play without you, they need to learn that.

ancientgran · 26/01/2023 09:22

Summerlark · 26/01/2023 03:15

For what it's worth, my ADHD child only cried if they wanted a bottle of milk or they fell over and hurt themselves. They were sleeping through at 8 weeks (their older brother slept through at 6 weeks.) I never ever nursed them to sleep - the child doesn't learn to self-settle. One minute they're with mum and then they wake up alone in the dark. I certainly wouldn't be putting on some song and dance routine for them either. My elder child did cry occasionally and I would come and attend to him briefly so they weren't left crying for hours but I tried very hard not to reward that kind of behaviour. At night they would be fed and changed with low lights and mininal interaction - no talking or playing - and straight back into the cot. They soon learnt that nothing fun happened at night and they might as well go back to sleep. They were always put down to sleep awake if possible.

Also for what it's worth, the scream of a child in trouble is different from normal crying. I once heard my son cry and it was completely different to his wanting milk cry. I sprinted in and found out that he had done something a bit athetic in his cot and was half in and half out and couldn't move. Yes, that was the ADHD one!

My mother had a dog. It developed the habit of pulling the hair out of its magnificient plumed tail. My mother eventually took him to the vet with the sorry remains of his tail. The vet asked my mother what she did when the dog started the fur pulling. My mother said she tried to spend time with him, fed him or took him for a walk. The vet said that my mother was rewarding the behaviour. As soon as she stopped, his tail regrew. Your child has got you well trained. You certainly don't have to carry him round all the time. What are you going to be doing when he's four and still expecting to be carried round.

I can assure you that the previous generations did not do this. It would never even have occurred to them to hold a child for 12 hours a days. I am aghast at advice to let the child sleep lying on you. Yes, your child will scream a bit but they'll learn - they are probably smarter than my mother's spaniel. If they cry and its ignored they will soon learn that crying is not going to get you to automatically pick them up. As for toting them about I couldn't imagine doing this - my children were huge babies and toddlers - and I was tiny (people though they were adopted). I couldn't manage a sling with either of them or a backpack.

Your child has to be socialised or your life (and their life) is going to be grim. My non-ADHD child used to have temper tantrums. My husband tried to talk to them and try to cheer them up. Thanks to his input we ended up with a nightly tantrum by the two year old. I lowered the boom. I told him way had been an abject failure and we would now try my way. We simply ignored the tantrum and left the room. It's quite hard work crying and screaming and threshing on the floor. The two year old very quickly worked out that they were putting in a lot of effort for no reward whatsoever. Tantrums became a very rare thing.

Which previous generation are you talking about? I know I was carrying a clingy baby around all day 50 years ago.

MeinKraft · 26/01/2023 09:36

RoundUpRuby · 26/01/2023 08:09

@AFS1 Stop minimising.

It's called 'being normal' honestly any wonder so many women have PND if people are going around thinking the baby will be traumatised if you put them down for 5 minutes while you go to the toilet Confused a bit of common sense please. OPs house is not a Romanian orphanage. You have to show them they can do things by themselves for them to develop properly and grow confidence anyway.

StrawberryMuffins · 26/01/2023 09:38

I think he needs to spend more time with his dad. I know it's hard but if he puts the hours in the baby will settle with him. If he won't at first then time it for success - maybe DH takes him for a walk or drive so he naps, or gives him his dinner, or takes over a part of the routine as a new normal eg bedtime. Leave them properly alone and let them find a way forward together. Your husband will need to be resilient and squash down all those emotions of "oh the baby hates me" but the hard work pays off.

Babies' brains are not like ours. Their memories are short. You won't break him by having a loving parent step in for an hour or so, and he will adapt quickly to your husband being consistent, loving, patient and not giving up.

Whyjustwhy123 · 26/01/2023 09:41

This age is so stressful

but can I gently say to people that 7 month olds do not have the capacity to control propel or ‘rule the roost’ they just have instinct and their skills to draw their careers to them ie cry. The only people in this scenario for control are the adults.

Parenting is so bloody hard! I hope it gets easier soon.

MooseBreath · 26/01/2023 09:47

You poor thing.

My first DS was like this. It's so unbelievably hard. I think you're right to put him down and let him cry. It's what I did, and it did get better after about 3 days of consistently giving him floor time. I did about 5 minutes every hour to start and gradually he was happy to play for 15 minutes at a time.

Please ignore those suggesting you will traumatize your child by having body autonomy. Just because you are a mother doesn't mean you aren't entitled to your own body. Your DS will be absolutely fine and will still have a secure attachment with you.

Chimna · 26/01/2023 09:51

It's a really tricky age OP. One of many unfortunately but in my experience totally normal! I would suggest doing mum coffee meet ups at soft play!

BabyOnBoard90 · 26/01/2023 09:55

lifeinthehills · 26/01/2023 01:37

We're talking about a 7 month old with innate survival instincts that make him want to be close to his mother. Not a 15 year old who ran up a 300 pound phone bill and has to be told they can't have the new shoes they wanted because the money is now needed to cover that bill.

Show quote history

Not all parents are good.