To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

[SpaceRaiders]

I’m going to go against the grain here. He’s crying because it’s the only way he can communicate with you. There’s absolutely nothing manipulative in a baby crying, their brains simply aren’t developed to be able to.

That first year is so hard, do what you can to make life easy. Abet a wrap or carrier one that gives enough back support. Cuddle him if that’s what he wants but also lower your expectations in terms of what you aim to accomplish in any given day. You also need time off. Have a night away leave dc with family if possible.

Both mine were absolute limpets until they started walking, it absolutely broke me, they’re still somewhat limpet like at 11 & 8 only now the follow me around the house!

[Margo34]

He's demanding in this way because he knows that kicking off like that makes you do what he wants.

Does a 7m old really have this high level thinking? 😂 I'm not entirely convinced you're being manipulated by your baby as this pp suggests, however I do agree that if it's impacting your MH then you do what you need to do to get through the days.

I used to stick mine in a bouncy chair in the bathroom and talk/sing so they could still see and hear me, baby didn't like it but I needed some hands free time for me. Baby carrier as well at home - should be able to back carry at 7m old. I stood a mirror on the kitchen countertop so baby could still me while I cooked/cleaned/put the shopping away/made myself a cake.

It does get better, one day you'll just suddenly be aware and remember how you felt now, but when that happens is different for every mum/baby.

[MeinKraft]

Is he always like this? Have you got the wonder weeks app? I remember wondering wtf was wrong with my baby and vaguely thinking throwing myself down the stairs would be a nice break from the incessant whinging (my thinking got a bit irrational ) anyway it always turned out they were in a leap. Sounds like bollocks but I swear by it and it gives you hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Dibbydoos]

My son was like this. He has ASD.

Does you ds pull off his socks constantly and mess with his clothes esp where the material is folded?

[atoxk]

If he can see you or smell you near then trying to ignore him will destroy you both. Meet friends on your own give yourself space , guilt free as it will so you good to get away. Otherwise just enjoy it. It's full on but doesn't last forever. But definitely well known they can play up for mums 😊

[ricepuddin]

@Daniella36

Something that is reasonable to you, can come across as traumatising to a child. That can affect them for life. Gabor Mate is worth listening to re childhood trauma - and later issues

I can see a baby traumatised by being left crying alone in a corner but being put in another loving caregiver (father's) arms (and being soothed while getting used to it) - isn't that alright, and in fact better in the long term? I swear I read a study before about children with more stable attachment figures/loving caregivers thriving more than children with fewer

[User839516]

I agree with PP saying put him in a carrier so you are hands free, it makes such a difference. My 8mo loves to be held by me all day (at the moment - it will pass!) but I put her in the wrap (much comfier than the carriers I find) and then I can get other stuff done while she sleeps or just gets toted about. It’s actually a lot better for your back than carrying them all day. I see a physio and she said if they are strapped close onto your body their weight is more evenly distributed and it causes much less strain on your back than if you are holding them with your arms all day. They moan a lot less too 😅

[BabyOnBoard90]

Good parenting consists of tough love.

[lifeinthehills]

@BabyOnBoard90

Good parenting consists of tough love.

We're talking about a 7 month old with innate survival instincts that make him want to be close to his mother. Not a 15 year old who ran up a 300 pound phone bill and has to be told they can't have the new shoes they wanted because the money is now needed to cover that bill.

[TheyCallMeMrBoombastic]

Yep tough love!!!!!

Things won't easily improve otherwise!

[Soakitup37]

In the nicest way possible as read your post I thought this is a first time mum - it’s comply normal: you’re learning on your job, so is he.

has there been any trauma from your pregnancy or birth that may be subconsciously making you anxious and unable to put him down? or feeling ultra anxious about getting to him when he cries? I’ve got a 7 month old too and he has his moments but I also have an 8 yo so I have to divide my time.

things that may help: you may or may not know to use them

1. are you bf? Hunger in bf is more common given the amount you have to feed my lo is off bf now but still feeding around the clock never missing a feed. Making sure they are draining a bottle will help assure you they aren’t in need of food.
   
2. do you use a dummy? You might be anti them but my word they have their place to save your sanity.
   
3. how do you feel about screen time? Hey bear is lovely and gentle for them if you need a loo trip or to pre dinner. It’s classical music too, I enjoy it.
   
4. have you actually let him “cry it out”? My lo whines and moans about not being able get his toy on his play mat or something just out of his reach. I don’t help him but let him get there himself or move the object in reach without interfering
   
5. lo will do good to have you out of sight and mind for an hour, can someone watch hi while you go out tor a coffee? Teaching him that you come back is really reassuring and allows them to develop independently even at this age.
   
   you’re doing great but don’t be afraid of letting him whine and fuss, they are not in distress but simply working out the world around them very vocally.

[Soakitup37]

and remember this too shall pass!

[wednesdayjones]

'has there been any trauma from your pregnancy?'
Took a year to get pregnant then I had threatened miscarriage diagnosis twice, but didn't think it would be related?

1. are you bf?
   Formula. Just to get him to sleep longer (he was up every hour for weeks as a newborn)
   
   
2. 'do you use a dummy? You might be anti them'
   All pro everything! Whatever keeps him happier for longer. Use dummies all the time, does help (it's like a plug sometimes, stops him screaming)
   
   
3. 'how do you feel about screen time?'
   I've been showing him cartoons since she was 4 weeks old. I'm all for screen time if it gets me 5 mins if peace. He used to watch it but now I have to sit next to him whilst he watches. I get up and he cries and reaches his arms to me
   
   
4. have you actually let him “cry it out”?
   Only for few mins but wondering if I should just get on with whatever I need to do. Problem is then he's absolutely hysterical and takes ages to calm down
   
   @Soakitup37

[wednesdayjones]

@Dibbydoos

My son was like this. He has ASD.

Does you ds pull off his socks constantly and mess with his clothes esp where the material is folded?

He destroys everything in sight 😂 but doesn't pull socks off!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Husband has been taking baby in the garden saying 'mum needs a break' but it's only for 10 mins or so. We go out as a family a lot and husband always carries him, but recently bub will cry and reach out his arms to me.

Your DH needs to take baby out completely by himself. You need to be out of sight and sound (and try and get some rest). Your DH really needs to step up here. And you need to step back.

[Dippyeggz]

Sorry, this sounds so tough.

It is usually just a phase but this does sound extreme.

Does he have a comforter or a soft toy he's attached to? If not I'd be introducing one to se if that can help soothe him while you have to be physically away from him. Sleep with it a few nights so it smells of you then just place it nex to him at all sleeps, in the pram etc.

I would also seriously consider getting a babysitter for a couple of hours a week so you can have some time to yourself. It might be very hard at first but gradually, hopefully, he'd get used to having someone else care for him at these times. If he's bottle fed this shijke be fairly straightforward. This is of course if dh can't do it.

My sympathies - I too had the type of baby you couldn't just 'go for lunch' with (for different reasons). It's draining, but she's a very independent and delightful child now.

[Summerlark]

For what it's worth, my ADHD child only cried if they wanted a bottle of milk or they fell over and hurt themselves. They were sleeping through at 8 weeks (their older brother slept through at 6 weeks.) I never ever nursed them to sleep - the child doesn't learn to self-settle. One minute they're with mum and then they wake up alone in the dark. I certainly wouldn't be putting on some song and dance routine for them either. My elder child did cry occasionally and I would come and attend to him briefly so they weren't left crying for hours but I tried very hard not to reward that kind of behaviour. At night they would be fed and changed with low lights and mininal interaction - no talking or playing - and straight back into the cot. They soon learnt that nothing fun happened at night and they might as well go back to sleep. They were always put down to sleep awake if possible.

Also for what it's worth, the scream of a child in trouble is different from normal crying. I once heard my son cry and it was completely different to his wanting milk cry. I sprinted in and found out that he had done something a bit athetic in his cot and was half in and half out and couldn't move. Yes, that was the ADHD one!

My mother had a dog. It developed the habit of pulling the hair out of its magnificient plumed tail. My mother eventually took him to the vet with the sorry remains of his tail. The vet asked my mother what she did when the dog started the fur pulling. My mother said she tried to spend time with him, fed him or took him for a walk. The vet said that my mother was rewarding the behaviour. As soon as she stopped, his tail regrew. Your child has got you well trained. You certainly don't have to carry him round all the time. What are you going to be doing when he's four and still expecting to be carried round.

I can assure you that the previous generations did not do this. It would never even have occurred to them to hold a child for 12 hours a days. I am aghast at advice to let the child sleep lying on you. Yes, your child will scream a bit but they'll learn - they are probably smarter than my mother's spaniel. If they cry and its ignored they will soon learn that crying is not going to get you to automatically pick them up. As for toting them about I couldn't imagine doing this - my children were huge babies and toddlers - and I was tiny (people though they were adopted). I couldn't manage a sling with either of them or a backpack.

Your child has to be socialised or your life (and their life) is going to be grim. My non-ADHD child used to have temper tantrums. My husband tried to talk to them and try to cheer them up. Thanks to his input we ended up with a nightly tantrum by the two year old. I lowered the boom. I told him way had been an abject failure and we would now try my way. We simply ignored the tantrum and left the room. It's quite hard work crying and screaming and threshing on the floor. The two year old very quickly worked out that they were putting in a lot of effort for no reward whatsoever. Tantrums became a very rare thing.

[happynewyear55]

@Summerlark

For what it's worth, my ADHD child only cried if they wanted a bottle of milk or they fell over and hurt themselves. They were sleeping through at 8 weeks (their older brother slept through at 6 weeks.) I never ever nursed them to sleep - the child doesn't learn to self-settle. One minute they're with mum and then they wake up alone in the dark. I certainly wouldn't be putting on some song and dance routine for them either. My elder child did cry occasionally and I would come and attend to him briefly so they weren't left crying for hours but I tried very hard not to reward that kind of behaviour. At night they would be fed and changed with low lights and mininal interaction - no talking or playing - and straight back into the cot. They soon learnt that nothing fun happened at night and they might as well go back to sleep. They were always put down to sleep awake if possible.

Also for what it's worth, the scream of a child in trouble is different from normal crying. I once heard my son cry and it was completely different to his wanting milk cry. I sprinted in and found out that he had done something a bit athetic in his cot and was half in and half out and couldn't move. Yes, that was the ADHD one!

My mother had a dog. It developed the habit of pulling the hair out of its magnificient plumed tail. My mother eventually took him to the vet with the sorry remains of his tail. The vet asked my mother what she did when the dog started the fur pulling. My mother said she tried to spend time with him, fed him or took him for a walk. The vet said that my mother was rewarding the behaviour. As soon as she stopped, his tail regrew. Your child has got you well trained. You certainly don't have to carry him round all the time. What are you going to be doing when he's four and still expecting to be carried round.

I can assure you that the previous generations did not do this. It would never even have occurred to them to hold a child for 12 hours a days. I am aghast at advice to let the child sleep lying on you. Yes, your child will scream a bit but they'll learn - they are probably smarter than my mother's spaniel. If they cry and its ignored they will soon learn that crying is not going to get you to automatically pick them up. As for toting them about I couldn't imagine doing this - my children were huge babies and toddlers - and I was tiny (people though they were adopted). I couldn't manage a sling with either of them or a backpack.

Your child has to be socialised or your life (and their life) is going to be grim. My non-ADHD child used to have temper tantrums. My husband tried to talk to them and try to cheer them up. Thanks to his input we ended up with a nightly tantrum by the two year old. I lowered the boom. I told him way had been an abject failure and we would now try my way. We simply ignored the tantrum and left the room. It's quite hard work crying and screaming and threshing on the floor. The two year old very quickly worked out that they were putting in a lot of effort for no reward whatsoever. Tantrums became a very rare thing.

Have your children now grown up with suppressed emotions?
Can't imagine it's healthy to disregard your childrens feelings like this.
Borderline negligent.
Why have a baby if you're not going to attend to it?

[Limpshade]

I did read somewhere in the Wonder Weeks guide that 6-7 months is peak clingy behaviour since at that age they work out that the parent can leave them.

I have an ASD daughter. I also have a neurotypical daughter. They were both insanely clingy at this age.

It's not "tough love" to leave your baby with a parent or trusted relative. Frankly, it's sensible, since no one can be reasonably expected to cart around a baby for 12 hours a day.

[Limpshade]

Also, when I write "leave them", I mean physically leave their side, not disappear altogether. They work out at this age that you as a person are not simply an extension of themselves and are a separate entity that they do not control (or do they 😆) hence why they can "create" a little more.

[Summerlark]

@happynewyear55
Well I don't think you'd describe them as having suppressed emotions. One is in medical school and the other is at university intending to become a teacher. They are very nice young men. They have never mentioned their two year old tantrums or learning to self settle. One is a bit resentful about a trip I didn't let them go on because I didn't think it was safe but I think they should let that go.

[FTMbg]

I remember at a similar age ours would cry very quickly if I sat her down and left her alone, she couldn't crawl but could sit.
We ended up hunting toys that were fun to use sitting up, a pair of electronic bongos saved my sanity along with some other bits for variety.
We found out later she had cmpa so in hindsight I think she was probably basically uncomfortable or in pain from the dairy and needing a lot of comfort or intense distraction because of that.
Hope you find something that works for you and your little one.

[bologneseandbabies]

You don't need to 'tough love' a 7 month old, but you do need to teach him how to amuse himself, sit on his own.

Babies get used to what they're introduced to. Everything takes practice.

You just start with a few minutes at a time of being put down on a play mat with some toys, he will cry at first because he's protesting, but you just keep practicing. Eventually he will get used to it and you can leave him for a bit longer.

Just after a meal is a good time to practice.

A baby carrier is really useful for when you absolutely have to get on with a task, and it's much easier on the back than carrying a child in your arms - that will wreck you.

You may also want to look at his food intake, he might be hungry. I know this contributed to my little ones whinging at that age. I genuinely could not believe how much he could eat when I gave him the chance.

All that being said, you need to take a day off and reset to be able to get back on track. Can't pour from an empty cup!

[WithSympathies]

@BrownCowHowNow

People will say that you will not harm the baby by letting him cry for a while but they don't know that.
Babies are all different and have different needs.
Do you use a baby sling/carrier to allow you have both hands free?

People have made an entire industry out of that statement. It's cruel, unnecessary, and can never be proven, therefore feeds into already high levels of guilt and anxiety.

I could just as easily throw up a quote such as 'there's no evidence that holding onto your baby 24/7 doesn't cause [x mental health issue]'. It's pure conjecture.

Babies cry. It's hard to hear and it is traumatic (for us parents!), but it is part of being a parent. You know your child, and you know when they are really in pain or really need you.

OP, you will not traumatise your baby by letting them cry while you go to the toilet. If that were the case, the entire world population born prior to the plethora of Instagram advice would be traumatised.

Your child will have a far better attachment and mental health if he has sane parents.

Please let yourself have the moments you need. You aren't neglecting your child to give them increasingly small moments of independence. Listen to his cues and respond accordingly, but your health is as important to him as his own.

[roseheartfly]

Hello

Suck it up he's only 7m old so it's not been that long has it? Other mums do it for much longer, you need to get a grip. Be thankful that you are both healthy.

(That's not what I really think). I was serving you some tough love. Bloody harsh isn't it? Imagine doing that to a 7m old...


What's he like sleeping? What's that routine like? Don't think you can/should do tough love during the day but if you nail the sleep routine you should get your evenings. Something like a gentle Ferber esque method.

Worth considering a carrier for the occasional chore not "9 hours a day"...

And your husband to take him out for walks or out the house for an hour or so every few days. He's going to eventually settle and the change of scenery is always a win. Get a break, you are one of two parents this isn't just your issue.

Tough love with 7m isn't a thing. It's just ignoring their needs. I completely understand you are your wits end but he's only 7m.. so it's not been that long though I'm sure it feels like it. You are doing an amazing job.

And as for taking him out, maybe suggest soft play or something but don't feel like it's a bad thing having him in your arms. Good friends and good mums will get it.

Lots of love (some tough)