To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

I totally agree with what people are saying - you have to take back your own time. You will need to build it up - 1 minute on his own, and then gradually increase it. Otherwise you’ll go insane but also he won’t have any independence or anyone else he can rely on when you return to work or go out for whatever reason.
He will follow you around a lot when he starts walking and crawling but holding him all the time is too much for you to have to handle.
My first used to scream when her dad took her up to bed, like blue murder, it was awful. We gradually got her used to short amounts of time and now she’ll happily trot off to bed with him. Sometimes it’s a case of “give an inch and they’ll take a mile”.
Good luck 😊

It sounds really tough on you. Mine is a screamer too and would scream himself sick if my husband took him and he wanted me or tried to put him to bed. It can be really suffocating to have a demanding child and you can feel really angry at them that you’re doing so much and they’re still complaining.

I’m may be projecting but do you have attachment issues, like anxious attachment style? My son is now 2 and I found setting boundaries firmly but kindly worked well. I think waiting until you’re at the point of exploding is too late. Decide what things you need (or really want) to do and then make time to do them, even if he’s screaming. I found the loop experience earplugs helped for tasks like that (that might take 5 minutes but 5 minutes of screaming is super stressful) and they just take the edge off it. Good luck xx

Tummy time? Get him crawling. Then take him crawling at the park in a all in one wet weather suit. That'll wear him out 😜. Then he might be happy to sit in a buggy while you eat lunch at the cafe.

And do some other stuff. Learn how to back carry him then do some chores.

It will pass. 🌺

I’ve rejoined mumsnet just to reply to this 😂. This precisely describes my son as a baby; he was like this from birth for a long time (sorry). I wanted to send you lots of love as I know exactly how draining this can be - put mildly - and I was in a very dark place. I wanted to reassure you that it’s nothing to do with your parenting. Please look up Dr Sears and ‘high needs babies’. There are no answers (only suggestions of how to ride the storm) but I found that finding other parents in similar situations helped a great deal, and I joined an online FB forum for ‘high needs babies’. My son was not like other ‘typical’ babies, I could not go to baby groups, go out for coffee or leave him with others because he would cry, fuss and be unsettled constantly, so it was very isolating. He needed constant movement and reassurance. It was a slog. The first Childminder we left him with (at 10.5mo) refused to look after him as he was such hard work (which was validating at least!). Even the simplest task at home could not be achieved.

He is now a healthy, gorgeous, intelligent, attached and loving nine-year-old boy and we have a very close relationship. Above all, he is so EASY!!

It will get easier with every milestone, especially when LO can communicate. Until then I’m sending you strength.

PS. I waited 9 years until have a second and she is entirely different in temperament.

@CaffeineMama caffeine mama has it right. Put bubba down and do a small task and keep talking. Bubba will learn that you are most definitely coming back. It will become norm that you go pee, empty dishwasher etc etc. Try introducing a dummy, comforter, etc so some of their self soothing can been started.

Best bit of advice that I have been given......"EVERYTHING is a phase". And do you know what? Its true.

Baby's don't develop object permanence until 8 months so if he can't see you, you are not there and that frightens him. Make the experience of him being in a highchair/pushchair/sitting on the floor a fun experience. Stay with him, sing songs, do silly choices, play peek a boo, show him how to play with his toys or get new objects out from the kitchen due him to explore. BIf you're walking away to get something done every time you put him down, he's associating the action of placing him down with you disappearing so of course, he will complain about that. You will need to dig deep, leave the chores as much as possible and make your mission to reassure him. When you go out of sight, talk to him so he can still hear your voice, don't leave him for very long, a few seconds and work up to longer periods, make it fun, jump back in the room and say boo. He will improve as well as he will soon learn that you are still with him even if you've gone out of sight and he will start to become more interested in objects and toys. Playing peek a boo and hiding objects under a blanket and making it reappear will help develop object permanence. It's so easy to get frustrated, don't beat yourself up, it's hard having a baby in velcro mode. it does pass. Have you read the wonder weeks? That also gives you guidance on when they are going through development league and why they might be extra clingy/grumpy/off food etc

I think just go out with baby more...stroll around in buggy, take to baby sensory class, go for coffee with other mums & eat & drink one handed, etc. Pace about with him when u need. This will do u the power of good & as you relax more, so will he. Things will improve with time, but could also indicate ASD / ADHD (as always wants you), my DS is the same about bedtime & he has both ASD & ADHD. He always loved going out tho & went to nursery 3 days a week from age 8.5 months. Plan in Daddy time each day & build from there to an hour or two "boys time"

DS is nearly 8 btw & the bedtime thing has been going on since he was 4. Its a mare, but he's a poppet & things could be much worse considering all the tyke has been thru.

I would definitely invest in a good supportive sling. You're carrying him around all the time anyway, so you may as well be comfortable and have both hands free. It's not giving in to him.

Babies at this age are aware that you can disappear, but sadly they aren't so aware that you are coming back. Try working on peek-a-boo type games with him. And start leaving the room for a literal second before coming back. Do this throughout the day and it should help them to learn that when you go you always come back. This should help with the separation anxiety. You build up from there.

But it's also so important for you to take care of your needs too to be the best mumma you can be. So don't feel guilty about needing some time.