To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

Isn't this just what babies are like? I have three kids and all were super attached to me at this age. They aren't manipulative or trying to rule the roost 😳 they are tiny new people trying to make sense of everything and learning to communicate!

It's super hard work, I know that, but it isn't forever. And yes I used slings with all mine for ages! (middle baby used to get carried to preschool on my back aged 3 😂)

My friend used a hippy chick seat which helped her back when her 7-8 month old chunk would not be put down.

In my experience most babies are like this. I remember feeling like I'd never be alone again when my son would scream if I left the room, helpful volunteers at toddler groups would offer to hold him while I drank my tea, he would scream. It's HARD. But it's not forever.

You poor woman! You sound wiped!

You need some rest!

Please make your OH actually look after his son for a few hours so you can get some rest.

Please speak to any health visitor /GP/whoever who can listen /give advice!

Please don't let one angsty baby put you off having more kids /sibling...

All babies are different! And they do change... I had a very difficult baby nephew who turned into the most chilled infant /child /adult.

At the moment he's got you all well trained, it means hus needs are met, but you are on your knees!

Ignore any thoughts of developmental disorders. This sounds like separation anxiety, and your child is the right age for it.

What do you do with him during the day? I always found thigs like classes were excellent respite from the relentlessness of a clingy child- and, if they play up a little, noone cares.

Independent play won't come for a fair while, but you might be able to get some respite by settinng up suitable toys/objects in front of him (bearing in mind the short attention span).

no wonder you’re exhausted, poor you
your husband needs to step up now,take baby for prolonged period eg complete day to give you a rest
7mth babies don’t manipulate, they’re not capable of it emotionally or intellectually. Your baby currently has a familiar(overwhelming) routine with you, change can be introduced by dad being more prominent. Your husband must step up as a parent & partner. Take baby out for day, feed and do changes etc to introduce change and give you a break.

Honestly, I'd leave the baby with your DH and go out for lunch or a walk around the shops.
Baby will be picking up your stress and reacting as well so a break would probably do you both good. I know I couldn't live like that.
And no, your baby will not be traumatised if you do this 🙄

Hi OP

I also have a 7m old (just about to turn 8m) and like you she wants me to carry her everywhere. I eat with her in my one arm. I put the washing on with one arm. Carry her around all day mostly although she does love going out in the pram and she will go in her bouncer or cot (put a couple of toys in there) for short periods of time. I sometimes play classical music for her too. The first few months I really struggled to put her down at all and I have another child to look after. It’s getting easier now though.

My ds was like that too, he'd be hysterical if you put him down . Now he's 15 months and walking and doesn't want to be carried at all. If you pick him up there's murder. No phase lasts too long

A 7 month old doesn't need to be held constantly and doesn't only have to be looked after by their mother. Baby may think they do, esp if its all they know, but it's fine for the OP to teach him that the world doesn't end if he's not in her arms.

OP this weekend leave your baby with your dh and go out for a few hours. When he comes in from work you hand the baby to him and get out of sight and earshot. Do this regularly. Then you can start putting him down whilst you are around.

What? Is this helpful?

baby will be fine not having emotional needs not met for 2 seconds whilst mum has a sip of coffee!

If you need to put the washer on and the baby cries so be it. In that situation definitely go about your business, life can't stop to hold the baby.

In public obviously in a restaurant you may be stuck holding him to avoid a melt down for a bit. I don't see anything wrong with a bit of crying.

Oh OP, I really feel for you as I went through a phase like that with my DD - she was so attached to me, it made me feel so suffocated. Unless you've experienced it, you have no idea how intense that feeling is - to feel so overwhelmed by them needing you. I felt drowned by it. I went through the same agonising thought process you are, but ultimately decided to ride it out. She just wanted that reassurance from me, and wasn't doing it on purpose - they're so little and they don't understand. So I tried to reframe it as much as possible and see her as just this tiny, scared little thing that needed comfort. It helped to try and humanise her responses, instead of thinking she was deliberately torturing me (which is what it felt like sometimes!). She did grow out of it after about 2 months, and is now such a confident and independent little girl.

But that's what I did. That was my choice. You are 100% entitled to do whatever you feel you need to do. Unfortunately it has to be your decision at the end of the day (and I say that knowing how scary it is), but please know that absolutely nobody has the right to judge you for whatever you decide to do (and that includes yourself!). You clearly love your baby, and that's the most important thing. So whatever you decide to do, remember how brilliantly you are doing as a mum

I think sometimes we think people and babies have to be happy all the time, whereas in reality it is our job to teach them that the world won't fall apart if they experience anxiety, sadness, loneliness, frustration etc. And we have to develop tolerance for this gradually throughout infancy so you're not too late to get started!

So you cook breakfast, try to entertain him, then go out for 30 seconds to have a couple of sips of tea while he winges then come back in with a big smile and pick him up.

I would look at a good sling, not a baby Bjorn or baby carrier. I understand you saying you would be carrying 9kg all day but tbh you are doing this anyway ATM so a properly supportive sling would distribute the weight and protect not damage your back.

And yes to putting down for short periods and take a reusable coffee cup that doesn't leak (contigo?) Oh you go out so you can have a hot drink with him on your knee without screaming for a couple of minutes. You do need to look after yourself too

What a nasty, unhelpful post. Shame on you

No, it’s not helpful, but sometimes we need to hear the hard truths.

No point going “there, there” and pretending the baby isn’t negatively affected by this when they will be.

DS was hardly put down. Ten minutes of tummy time with me there, I couldn't walk away or he'd scream. He crawled at five months! They build up strength and balance as you move around when they are held or tied to your hip or back.

Once he could crawl he was a different baby and was happy as long as he could see me, different developmental stage I guess.

I still carried/wore him until he was about two and 11kg, a carrier used correctly will put the weight on your hips not your shoulders or back.

One of the best gifts my husband ever gave me was when our youngest was about your son’s age.

He booked me a hotel room, left me with my favourite snacks, and made me promise to order somewhere nice for dinner. He came back the next morning to have breakfast, just the two of us, before going home.

You need a break. Not for ten minutes, either. Go out for coffee, go browse at a bookstore, or have your dh take the baby to visit grandparents for the day. Or, go to a hotel and sleep uninterrupted for hours. But you need to rest and recharge.

FWIW, I’m firmly in the ‘babies can’t manipulate’ camp, but that has ZERO to do with a mom being burned out, exhausted and falling apart. Of COURSE you are! Anyone would be! Some good solid sleep, the ability to not have someone’s clinging to you all your waking hours… it’s amazing how a break can make a difference.

My DD was like this, I knew very early that she's not NT, & we're finally getting assessment for her at the age of 10 but it's going to be a couple of years before she's actually seen. She's always been heavy too, I'm small but she takes after DH who is V tall. She would be hysterical if we put her down & just walked away, crying for hours & usually sick too due to working herself up so badly. And yes, she's an only child.

I used to use a sling around the house, bumbo seat in the bathroom. Sat down to play with her on the floor a lot so she got used to not being physically held constantly. A swing seat for the kitchen would have been good, or another seat like the bumbo (or even a second bumbo if you can afford it).

If it's any consolation I've read that kids who are held a lot as babies often go on to be pretty secure toddlers & happy to run off & play with their friends. DD certainly was.

@RoundUpRuby this mum is at the end of her tether and is doing her best right now.
Much better to put her baby in their cot and remove herself from the situation to calm down than to potentially lose it altogether in front of the baby.
Show some bloody compassion and support to someone who's clearly struggling right now!

People suggest it because it works. I wouldn’t recommend a baby bjorn as actually they increase the weight you are carrying as they hold the baby away from you. It really won’t break your back, we evolved to carry babies there weren’t prams etc.

DS was exactly like your DS, he basically lived in a carrier at that age it was the only way to get things done. It does pass but he is still very tactile and likes contact.

I'm not sure how your comment relates to my statement, but sure, whatever. I don't disagree with what you wrote. I guess the term 'tough love' for a 7 month old seems a bit harsh.

My 7 month olds were crawling around exploring, so I'm sure that's not far off for OP too.

Not sure if this is comfort at the moment, but...
With both my DC I had them at the childminder's at 4 months because I didn't want the separation anxiety to kick in and finances dictated an early return to work. It worked; they happily bobbled off to her (childminder) for the next 4 years, then school was also no problem.
Flash forward 17 years and I really regret it. They are both undemonstrative to the point of being quite cold and aloof. Funny, yes, hard working, yes, polite, yes, loving - absolutely no measurable evidence whatsoever. Hugs are very, very few and far between.
Of course, it could all be correlation rather than causation, but if I had my time again I'd love a bit of clingy. I'd still discipline effectively (I found a hard line with consequences early on led to a really easy time of it and no rebellion (yet!) in the teenage years) but I wish, wish, wish I had spent more time with them as they were toddling.
Good luck, OP! Work those biceps...

OP you can have a coffee while out in a cafe with a baby who wants to be held.
Hold the baby up over 1 shoulder and drink a slightly cooler than normal coffee with the other hand. It’s how I survived mat leave!
Another trick is to push the baby on a long walk in the pram or use a carrier to try and have a nap happen on the way to the meet-up. Hopefully the baby will fall asleep half way and then maybe sleep for the first 20-30 minutes giving you time to quickly have a drink and some food in peace. It doesn’t work every time but it’s worth trying.

Also imo you should accept all the mum lunch invites!!
We convince ourselves that everyone else’s babies are angels and always just sleep while out and about and are no bother, but the more you meet up with mums and babies the more you will realise that they all have meltdowns. They all have phases when they won’t be out down, they all cry.

You also need to engineer some more baby free time on the weekend so you can reset for the week. DH walks baby to the park in the morning and you have a lie in. Mine used to walk the baby around to the pub so I could have a bath in peace. Not hearing the around is bliss when you’re in the thick of it. Plus it was good for DH to experience sitting down with a nice pint and bowl of chips, getting 1/3 of the way through and then baby kicking off and him having to just push her around in the cold instead!

Don’t be ridiculous. If you have the right fitting slinging you wouldn’t “break your back” at all. You wouldn’t even feel it.

People all off sizes can easily carry 2/3 year olds for hours on end without having back issues if they have the right carrier.