To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

You won’t traumatize your baby by going ti the loo OP. There is a huge difference between withholding vital care and letting another loving parent take over. It will be brutal but necessary. And baby will need to cope without you when you start working again!

I really feel for you OP, I had a similar experience but not sure I have any great advice.

Your DH needs to do more 1:1 with the baby for the sake of their own bonding, I recommend ‘dancing’ baby round the room to a soothing steady waltz, one hand under bottom and one hand behind head, they love to be upright. But also he just needs to find his own way through looking after his baby for an extended period of time, with you not in the room. Yes, there will be crying but it’s important.

If you don’t have the fisher price kick and play piano then I would try it, it was a breakthrough for us to buy a bit of time! Argos do it. I wouldn’t buy an imitation similar mat as some look a bit dodgy. Brilliant thing.

My son was very similar. We got him a jumperoo with lots of different things on to occupy him (the Finding Nemo one) teamed with Peppa Pig. It helped so much. I had enough time to grab some lunch or put a wash on before he was fed up and his stints in there got longer and longer over time. An extra bonus was that he'd bounce himself to sleep sometimes.

Singing and dancing constantly to entertain him like a court jester? Bloody hell you must be absolutely shattered! You need to put him in a playpen with some toys when you need to go to the toilet or put laundry on etc. He will cry. You will come back. He will be fine. Build it up gradually. Any other time you want to carry him, get him in a sling- it's better for your back.

Your husband needs to take him out properly and for gradually longer periods of time. Make this a regular occurrence. He will be safe with his dad. This is not neglect or traumatising. Dad can carry him in a sling and go out for a walk for a few hours.

When you're out with friends why is he not in a high chair at 7 months old? Do you ever put him in a high chair in the café with some food to explore?

Do you go to playgroups? Might he be content to roll/crawl about with other babies? Maybe the hustle and bustle will keep him happy and you can have time to just sit and chat with other mums.

Start putting him down more and letting him cry a little. He will be fine. You're a wonderful loving mother to him. Plenty of children his age are in nursery and are absolutely fine. Ignore any posters telling you you will traumatise him- it's hysterical nonsense and a disgraceful thing to say to a clearly loving, attentive, but exhausted mother.

Have you always carried him around and nursed him since he was a baby? Has anyone else been involved in his care? Do you put him down when he’s sleeping?
There is no need for you to carry a child to toilet with you. Put the child down, it’s not good for you or for the child to constantly be holding them.

Build up time left, you can be close to your child without holding them 24/7. Can’t dad help out?

My DS1 was like this, wanted me constantly, separation is hard but you need to do it for your own sanity, I would leave him with my DH or MIL and go into town for an hour or two, he was absolutely fine. DS2 arrived when DS1 was 21mths, we coped fine, DS2 was a more difficult baby though, total screamer, so we weren’t up for a DC3. 😂

You will get through it OP, leaving your baby in a safe space to go to the loo, shower or make something to eat isn’t going to traumatise him.

I always make sure we had a walk in the pram every day, even on days I felt like a zombie with tiredness, getting out in the air and walking, helped my mood and them to sleep.

Good luck, you will get through it, and it will get easier, I promise

Google the concept of a 'good enough' mum or primary carer.

You aren't doing your child any favours if you respond to his every need and whim instantly. How can they learn to deal with difficulty and frustration if they never experience those things?

One of the best things I ever did for my PFB was take a job WFH. It meant I couldn't always respond to her in an instant - once in a while she had to cry herself to sleep or amuse herself while I took a phone call. It made the world of difference to both of us.

At 7m neither of my children would have been pushed to a cafe in a pram, sat quietly in the pram whilst I had a coffee, and been wheeled away again. They’d at least have needed to be in the high chair with some food.

I found 7m a tricky age - desperate to explore but not yet mobile. Plus terrible separation anxiety as they realise mum is a separate person who can leave. It’s very suffocating.

It does pass. Personally I don’t think you need to ‘teach’ them - they’re developing all the time and he will grow out of it. That said, there’s no problem putting him down so you can go to the loo.

Op both mine were in childcare by this age....just part time

Someone here quoted gabor mate...please do not use notions of trauma to stop a mum sharing care with other loving care givers!

So obviously yes you can hand baby to dad or a childmininder etc and have time to recover! As others say..if you had more than 1 child you would be putting this one down sometimes

I remember telling my husband I was going to give her away when my DD did this for a few months. It did pass, but only after I'd mostly lost my sanity. It won't be forever, but absolutely, you have to take time for yourself.

Have you got a baby carrier? I found this helped a lot.

Sorry, tight on time so have not read all comments.

Have you put a shirt/blouse/sweater of yours with him as he cuddles with dad? It will be covered in your smell.

This helped me.

My eldest was like this and I disagree with most people; your best bet to sanity is the word “acceptance”.

all babies are different. Yes, it’s very hard when the other nct mothers have babies who coo in the buggy happily for seemingly hours on end whilst you’re standing and jiggling a grizzling baby. Of course it is. You wonder what you’ve done wrong, but the answer is you’ve done nothing wrong and your baby has his own personality.

for things I had to do eg hanging washing or cooking he had to be in the bouncer whilst I sang at him (whilst he cried but it made me feel better to do what I could). For everything else he was held and cuddled. I always felt better knowing I was cuddling him in his distress and I tried to remind myself it was a short period of time, which it is.

if you wake up every day and hope it will be different you will be disappointed. If you try to change your perspective to “try to appreciate the cuddles” it can feel better. Try to spread out your tasks to the windows just after naps when he’s in the best mood. What you can do 1 handed, do.

the high chair and some bullshit baby “busy snacks” eg those puffs are very helpful too.

I feel for you - it is a lot x

Sending you love and strength and solidarity.
I often use the loo to a choir of screaming and pulling at the babygate. I'm sick of pooping with an audience. We have strategically placed cameras inside the house so I can watch the kids from the loo if needed and the TV is left running as a distraction.
Honestly the background crying is sort of reassuring now and I tend to panic when there is silence!
It does pass xx

This!

This. He’s 7 months old!
its really hard :( hang in there

1. Baby at that age wants to move around learn to crawl etc. Ditch the cafe dates and go to playgroups. Invite existing mum friends along and make new friends!

1. Please don't put baby on the kitchen counter, if he fell off you'd kick yourself. It's not worth the risk.

1. Are you worried about putting baby down on the floor? Do you have germphobia or is floor unsuitable at home? Make a safe space for baby to roll and crawl around.

Exactly. A 7 month old does not have the capacity to manipulate you!!

bouncy chair is a good idea
’miss Rachel’ on YouTube SAVES me and my sanity with my 8 month old. I just have to make sure she’s in a safe place to watch it and then I can actually put her down and get dressed

My son ended up being a crying baby and did not sleep through the night for 4 years. I read every book, paid thousands to sleep consultants etc
Did you have a difficult birth? I am wondering if you had a c section.
The birth process is tough on all babies and can have residual issues.
I had an emergency C section - children that don't go down the birth canal don't trigger some of their infant reflexes to go dormant and can as part of this develop sensory issues (which can be resolved). Clothes are scratchier, sounds are louder, tastes are stronger. But this can also happen to children who have had a natural birth - it can be inherited.

• my recommendation to you is to see a cranial oesto who has training with babies. They will tell you if the baby has issues related to birth - C section or not.
• consider whether he has reflux and should take meds - have the top of his cot made higher so he sleeps with his head slightly raised - he doesn't have to be spitting up to have reflux.
• Buy a baby bjorn type thing you don't need to carry him being next to you is what he wants.
• Wear some of your hubbys clothes and then let him wear them so he smells of you. Check your hubby does not have strong smelling deodrant or aftershave when careing for him.

You know if other posters have alarmed you about possible sen - its true this can be a sign but its not always. They did think my son was autistic up he was about 10 - turned out his infant reflexes had not gone dormant and with treatment he was then diagnosed as not being autistic but slow to warm up.

Get yourself a sling or baby carrier. That way baby is attached to you but your hands are free. You won't be totally freed up doing cartwheels round the house but you'll be able to get on with some chores.

Sounds like you have a high needs baby, there's lots of information and support about high need babies online.

Hang in there, you'll get through this

But you're already carrying him around all day every day. You might as well do it in a way that leaves your hands free and takes some of the strain!

My youngest was very similar, right down to the whining from boredom if we stayed still. He spent most of his time from 6-18 months on my back in a soft buckle carrier. Apart from anything else, once he could move he was a fucking liability and was much safer strapped up out of the way!

We had a Rose and Rebellion toddler carrier. No idea if they're still going as this was a decade ago but that sort of thing will still be available. Give it a try, honestly. Speaking as someone who has been there, it will save your sanity.

It's so so hard. Exhausting. The world will not end if he has to cry a little. I remember hiding in the shower once when my 6 month old wouldn't stop crying.

However - your baby is not manipulating or controlling you. He does not need to learn anything. Leaving him in a safe place to do this or that is fine but he is clinging to you because you're his safety in this world. Nothing more to it than that. You need to look after your own mental health and take breaks but also let go of any notion that your baby is taking advantage or controlling you.

If I was you - and i have been - I'd be focusing on those naps. Twp short naps are not enough for a baby that age. He should be ideally getting a longer midday nap- 2 hours or so - in a cot. I would focus on some gentle sleep methods to encourage him to nap independently as that will lead to longer naps. He may well be knackered during the day which is making him extra tearful too. I followed the Luxy Wolfe method and got my 3 babies doing 2 hour naps pretty quickly

My baby was like this, I honestly don’t remember putting him down at all in the first year- it was tedious.

I didn’t go down the let him cry route because figured he obviously needed the contact for security and love ect. He started to grow out of it at a year old and it got better and better. He is now 2 and I have to ask him for a cuddle.

Not sure this post is very helpful but just to let you know, you’re not alone, I was effectively a baby matress.

Such a hard time my little one was like this and I spent so much time at the beginning standing holding him. In the end a sling was a life saver and contacting napping at least once a day so I had an hour of chill time watching tv and this phase does pass my little one now is an independent 2 year old and not clingy in the slightest. I didn’t let him cry it out as the sound of him hysterically crying really triggered me and I knew that a baby can’t manipulate an adult, but now he’s 2 that’s another story! If you need to leave him for a minute or two to go for a wee obviously do it but I could never leave my baby crying for a long time. This time will pass but obviously doesn’t help hearing that now.

Is this a real post?? You haven’t been putting your baby down because he crys? That’s ridiculous.. of course he’s going to cry, that’s the only way they know how to communicate and it’s normal. He’s a baby! And babies do cry. Just let him cry for a bit while you go to the toilet, there’s nothing wrong with a baby crying every now and again, you’re not a failure if the baby is left crying for a few minutes, he needs to learn that you don’t just go to his every beck and call. You’ve exacerbated the issue by running to him each and every time and now that’s what he expects.
Just take your time to go to the toilet, teach him to wait and he will learn a bit of patience. Start as you mean to go on… you don’t want to be carrying him to the toilet for gods sake! 😂

Can I ask……how did it get to this situation?