To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

[Getthefiregoing]

@wednesdayjones

So today I sat him down on the bed with loads of toys (he doesn't crawl yet so was safe) and went to get the washing from the dryer and sort it.
Well he cried and within 40 seconds he's gone into a full screaming mode, red face etc.
so i abandoned my washing and went to him.

This is the thing everyone says 'it's okay for him to cry a bit', but what if it goes into a screaming mode very quickly? Shall I finish my 10 min task?
I am ready to just put headphones in.

Why did you leave him in a separate room? Of course he'll cry.

Sit him with you in the kitchen or laundry room or wherever your dryer is. Talk to him while you do it and give him some dry laundry to play with.

[VivaVivaa]

So today I sat him down on the bed with loads of toys (he doesn't crawl yet so was safe) and went to get the washing from the dryer and sort it. Well he cried and within 40 seconds he's gone into a full screaming mode, red face etc. So i abandoned my washing and went to him

Unless you live in a very open plan flat or house, I assume the dryer is in a different room to your bedroom? I think you need to give yourself a fighting chance - put him down at least where he can see you and you can talk to him/soothe him. Ideally in the same room close to you so you can keep reassuring him. He will cry and scream, but I think if you are talking to him and trying to find other ways to soothe him beyond picking him up, it’s okay.

As an aside , I would never leave a baby of 7 months on a bed unsupervised, crawling or otherwise. I assume he can roll and he might just surprise you one day…

[WineDup]

@Daniella36

Something that is reasonable to you, can come across as traumatising to a child. That can affect them for life. Gabor Mate is worth listening to re childhood trauma - and later issues

You think a 7 month old being placed on the floor, right beside their mum, while their mum loads the washing machine/puts away clothes is going to traumatise them for life?

[LuckySantangelo35]

@WineDup

You think a 7 month old being placed on the floor, right beside their mum, while their mum loads the washing machine/puts away clothes is going to traumatise them for life?

Apparently so!

you shouldn’t eat, go to toilet or put washing in hence you might traumatise baby

just starve, piss yourself and wear dirty clothes

its only for a few months ! They’re only little for such a short amount of time ! Why did you have a baby if you weren’t prepared for baby to come first and for life to change?!

honestly feels this is the way some people on here think ! Bizarre

[LaLuz7]

@BluIsTheColor

Yes, I think there's a risk associated with cry it out/controlled crying that the child will end up with abandonment issues.

What is the alternative though?

Don't you also think that there's a risk to the baby when mom become a sleep deprived drone, a martyr who is depressed and resentful and hates her life and is a total emotional mess?

You can't give from an empty bucket. Mom needs to be sane and ok for baby to be OK.

So unless you have a perfect alternative to sleep training, maybe refrain from guilt tripping her...?

[LaLuz7]

@LuckySantangelo35

Apparently so!

you shouldn’t eat, go to toilet or put washing in hence you might traumatise baby

just starve, piss yourself and wear dirty clothes

its only for a few months ! They’re only little for such a short amount of time ! Why did you have a baby if you weren’t prepared for baby to come first and for life to change?!

honestly feels this is the way some people on here think ! Bizarre

So much ingrained mysoginy regarding how women should cease to have any needs of their own and should become perfect self-sacrificing little drones as soon as they have a baby...

It's a terrifying mentality

[Problemorno]

People are being completely histrionic here. Leaving a baby to cry for a few minutes will not traumatise them for life. Leaving them for hours on end? Quite possibly. But for a few minutes whilst you perform everyday tasks? Get a grip. Some people will literally soil themselves, not eat, not get dressed etc for fear of their baby crying for a few minutes? Utterly ridiculous and part of the reason mums get so burnt out and overwhelmed. We're told we're awful mothers and traumatising their kids if they're allowed to utter a single wail.

[TimeToFlyNow]

If you are doing things like laundry I'd have him in the same room so he can see you and you can chat to him, even if he does scream

[lupinlass]

I had twins like this. Hideous.

I used to say if they could crawl back up inside me they would!

Sympathies OP.

[WineDup]

@LuckySantangelo35

Apparently so!

you shouldn’t eat, go to toilet or put washing in hence you might traumatise baby

just starve, piss yourself and wear dirty clothes

its only for a few months ! They’re only little for such a short amount of time ! Why did you have a baby if you weren’t prepared for baby to come first and for life to change?!

honestly feels this is the way some people on here think ! Bizarre

My daughter screamed from the second she left my womb. We did just need to let her scream at times - so we could perform basic function. She’s 7 now and still does a god-awful screech if she doesn’t get her own way, which we ignore.

My son is 11m and doesn’t scream to the same extent, instead he tries to gravely injure himself whenever we are out of his sight line. So to keep him safe, we need to keep him in a travel cot when we get stuff done. He hates it, so he screams.

As long as baby has a clean nappy and a full belly, a little bit crying isn’t going to harm them.

In my experience it gets easier once they are mobile and then it gets easier again once they can communicate more/without just crying.

We are working with baby signs with our son and I feel like he’s finally grasping it a little, which I’m hoping will help.

[wednesdayjones]

@lupinlass

I had twins like this. Hideous.

I used to say if they could crawl back up inside me they would!

Sympathies OP.

What happened eventually? Did it get better?

[MistyFrequencies]

My son was this way. So I understand the stress. I am a firm believer though that babies/children need to feel secure with their primary caregiver in order to have the confidence to separate from us and explore their world independently. So I leant into it. That meant I ate every meal with him on my knee for the best part of a year. It meant I often co-slept with him. It meant my husband did most household chores.
He is now 4 and a really independent little guy. It will pass. I would just try to work out how to retain your sanity while not causing him unnecessary distress e.g. Leeave him in room with you while doing the washing, chat to him, play peekaboo behind the clothes etc. If he cries a bit with you next to him then (in my mind) that is different to him screaming in another room where he cant see/hear you. I used to put my boy in a travel buggy and wheel him room to room sometimes while i got chores done. He would cry but id be there to soothe him.

[PollyPut]

@wednesdayjones


doing the laundry? Bring him with you, put him down on the floor, chat to him. Show him the socks. Put them on the floor. He might like to help "sort". He can play with socks just as well as toys. Soon he will be crawling and he'll just come anyway to "help" you with the laundry.

You said you're not getting out. You really need to get out. You don't need to have lunch (although definitely try the baby in a high chair thing at some point now they should eat for 5 mins if you're lucky!).

So, try to find "stay and play" or playgroup or "drop-in" or whatever they called in your area. Ask at your local library - do they have a directory? Do they have singing groups for babies in the library? Does he like crawling around the baby section of the library?

Do any of your local churches have groups where toys are put out for babies who can have a crawl around whilst parents have a cup of tea?
Do your council run nurseries/children's centres have any drip in groups?

If you can find some, your DC will start to pay attention to what is going on around them, and focus less on you. They may watch other children play with toys, and start to do it more themself. They should be more tired from the stimulus, and sleep better. (Baby swim classes especially good for this).

[PollyPut]

"Does he like crawling around the baby section of the library?" - sorry I forgot he wasn't crawling yet!

[HelloJan]

This is just how it is, sorry. You can't give a 7mo "tough love" and "teach him independence".

[tornadoinsideoutfig]

@MistyFrequencies

My son was this way. So I understand the stress. I am a firm believer though that babies/children need to feel secure with their primary caregiver in order to have the confidence to separate from us and explore their world independently. So I leant into it. That meant I ate every meal with him on my knee for the best part of a year. It meant I often co-slept with him. It meant my husband did most household chores.
He is now 4 and a really independent little guy. It will pass. I would just try to work out how to retain your sanity while not causing him unnecessary distress e.g. Leeave him in room with you while doing the washing, chat to him, play peekaboo behind the clothes etc. If he cries a bit with you next to him then (in my mind) that is different to him screaming in another room where he cant see/hear you. I used to put my boy in a travel buggy and wheel him room to room sometimes while i got chores done. He would cry but id be there to soothe him.

100% agree with this

[boogiebabies]

@wednesdayjones

He doesn't eat. No purées nothing. Sometimes will nibble on a cucumber or piece of chicken for a minute.

@Getthefiregoing

If my 7mo wasn't getting enough food he would also be screaming all day and night.

What do his meal times look like?

Are you spending a good amount of time sitting at the table with him, trying different things? Making it a fun thing to do? It really takes a lot of time and he needs you to help him get the hang of it. What are you expecting to do if he doesn't start eating?

I can't stress how unhappy a hungry baby is - it will be so much easier to teach him to play by himself for a bit if he's satisfied.

Everything that you need baby to learn, you must teach them or give them the opportunity to figure it out themselves.

Of course he won't like being put down in a different room of he's only been carried for months. Put him in a bouncer or on a play mat near you, and get on.

I don't know why you're worried about him crying a bit if you've already let him 'cry it out' at night. It's like you've done the extreme thing first, and you're now worried about the little normal thing. Did doing Cry it out really upset you? And now it's hard to let him cry?

I think you really need to take a time out, regroup, and come back with a thoughtful approach to all this because your baby really needs you to.

[boogiebabies]

That wasn't meant to sound harsh, sorry if it reads that way.

[Getthefiregoing]

@boogiebabies I'm also confused as to how the OP has got in this muddle.

@wednesdayjones I think you need to get a plan of action to sort this out. It makes no sense that you did cry it out at such a young age and yet you spend all day with your baby clinging to you to the detriment of his development. Cry it out at 3 months is shockingly young.

You and your husband need to sort out regular times that he takes him out for you to have a break. On top of that you need to be eating together as much as possible and introducing your son to a range of foods and flavours. Go about your day as normal and bring your son with you while you cook, do laundry, do dishes, bake, whatever, but put him down. Sit him on the kitchen floor with some pots and pans and wooden spoons to clatter about. Or sit him in the high chair with some breadsticks and humous. Chat to him while you get on with things. If you're baking then put a little dollop of dough on his high chair tray to play with. Or give him little tastes of ingredients.

I feel like you must have lost your way a bit but it's time to regroup. Structure your day and get out every day to an activity: book bug, baby sensory, church play group, etc etc. This stuff should be instinctual and I think you need to put some work in to getting back to that point. Maybe speak to your health visitor for some support.

It's time to get your life back.

[EYProvider]

He doesn’t eat? At all? He’s probably starving. Most 7/8 month olds eat 3 meals a day.

I’d forget about baby-led weaning if I were you and get some porridge shovelled in him for a start. No offence, but how happy would you be if you weren’t fed?

[boogiebabies]

@EYProvider

He doesn’t eat? At all? He’s probably starving. Most 7/8 month olds eat 3 meals a day.

I’d forget about baby-led weaning if I were you and get some porridge shovelled in him for a start. No offence, but how happy would you be if you weren’t fed?

Agree.

[wednesdayjones]

Yes he doesn't eat :( I've tried every purée there is, he firmly shuts his mouth. I sing and dance exaggeratedly like a fucking clown and he used to laugh and that's when I'd put a spoonful in his mouth, but he doesn't open mouth at all anymore.

I give finger food (veggies, meat, fruit, bread), he might nibble sometimes but doesn't actually eat it.

I've been told 'they'll eat when they're ready' so I've left it. Sometimes I trick him pretending to give him a dummy and when he opens his mouth I shove a spoon of purée. That gets him angry and I wondered if I was creating a bad association with food, giving it to him when he doesn't want it. He does seem a bit chilled after I've fed him half a pouch of purée this way. What can I do?
Someone put broth in a bottle maybe I'll try that.

I do put him on the kitchen floor with pans etc. whilst I make a quick cup of tea, he just cries and reaches his arms to me.

DH put him in a sling today and was sorting washing and couldn't - baby started crying. He has to be moved constantly. I feel like I have a 9kg alarm attached to me that goes off as soon as I stop.

On sleep training, husband insisted and he did it (I would leave the house so I didn't hear the cries). It was more of a Ferber method but frequent check ins made him angry so DH did 10-15 min check ins and within 2-3 days it worked. He was almost 4 months.

I definitely need to regroup fully. I have a few library mum groups, churches nearby but I keep making excuses and don't go. It's comical really, before pregnancy I used to consult some of the world's biggest companies, now I'm terrified of going to a library with my baby. I've competently lost my way.

[Getthefiregoing]

You'll find your way OP. But broth in a bottle? For real? Don't do that.

Don't try to trick or cajole him into eating. 7 months is still young and it's not the case at all that he should be eating 3 meals a day by now as a PP said. You should be sitting down to eat with him 3 times a day and providing him with food. It doesn't matter how much goes in at this point. Don't pressure him just let him explore the food and see you and your husband eating and chatting and enjoying food. Keep it relaxed. The absolute bulk of his calories will be coming from milk. Let him explore food at his own pace or you'll frighten the life out of him ffs.

You're overthinking everything. Get on with your day and have him with you but let him bloody well cry for goodness sake while you get things done. Get on with your life and he'll start to learn that you're not going anywhere and he's safe with you always.

For the love of god get out the house and go to groups. You need to be chatting to other mums and sharing your experiences. If he cries, he cries. You're only dragging the process out longer.

And don't put broth in a bloody bottle for him!

[boogiebabies]

You need to persist with weaning, you can't just leave it.

I think you should probably speak to your health visitor about this as babies start to become iron deficient after 6 months old without proper nutrition. They may suggest a supplement.

Why not try a calmer approach to meal times rather than a song and dance.

Pp is right about sitting down 3x a day and not worrying too much about what goes in but you do need to persist. These things don't just magically happen.

You could try some properly made chicken bone broth (no salt) in an open cup (definitely NOT a bottle) but maybe 60ml max. It is full of good stuff.

[boogiebabies]

Here's some guidance

solidstarts.com/foods/bone-broth/