To give my 7months old 'tough love'?

[wednesdayjones]

I feel like I'm a breaking point some day with my 7 months old. He is SO clingy, he's attached to me all day. I cannot go for the toilet without him (sometimes have to hold him as I do my business otherwise he'll scream even if I sit him next to me), I can't push a wash on as I have to hold him so I only ever have one arm free (unless he's napping).

Days are long and I just cannot see the end. We have to go for lunch with friends today and I'm dreading it so much - I know I won't be able to eat as I have to hold him. He doesn't even want my husband anymore.
DH has taken on all housework inc. cooking and cleaning. I'm struggling with just having to hold the baby ALL day, and I have to constantly MOVE because he gets bored after a minute and whinges. So I walk walk walk around the rooms, the garden - all day.

Husband said I have to just let him cry and stop him completely controlling me. I disagreed at first but today I put the bub down for a nap and of course he was crying, demanding I come in and rock him etc. I've just turned off the sound on the baby monitor and gone to the spare room and sat here crying. I have nothing left in me.

I get invited to mum catch-ups but they all have lunch in a cafe and mine just wouldn't sit in the pram and I'd have to hold him so I wouldn't even be able to have a coffee.

I feel like I've reached a point whether the baby breaks me or I break up his habits of being attached to me. Do I just let him scream next to me as I do some chores? I'd love to do chores as at least it helps to pass the day, but at the moment I just hold the baby 7am-7pm.

I am aware of separation anxiety so do I just wait for this to pass?

Please don't equate putting baby down for a couple minutes to soothe themselves with you in the room to traumatic neglect. It's not going to traumatise baby if the parents are loving and attentive the other 99% of the time.

Don't you think it's equally harmful for baby to have an anxious exhausted depressed mother who acts like a martyr and never prioritises herself?

Mate has amazing ideas, but let's not use them to shame great well intentioned moms who are just trying to survive and deal with the overwhelm, ok?

Are you a child development specialist? A trained psychotherapist?

No? Then please shut up with your shaming and guilt tripping a loving mother who is doing her absolute best.

You are being ridiculous and unnecessarily cruel to a vulnerable woman who sounds desperate.

You should be ashamed

Last time I had lunch with a mum 3 months ago, of course mine refused to sit in a pram. I did hold him but he was grabbing everything. I ended up wearing half of my lunch, and couldn't have a coffee. I ended up standing and rocking my baby whilst my friend had her lunch at the table.
Mums group went similar way.

I haven't been back since.

I'm sorry OP but you're making life harder for yourself. 3 months ago your baby was 4 months old. You're weaning now. Take your baby out to cafes and put him in a high chair. Give him bits of your food to taste and play with and explore. Meet other mums in cafes regularly. Sometimes it's hard work but it gets baby user to the experience and YOU used to the experience too. You'll get better at dealing with things. Your experience is not unusual and I'm sure in other occasions your friend's baby will be just as difficult.

For goodness sake, put your baby down and go to the toilet, make cups of tea, put food in the oven. Do housework round about him. Sit him on the play mat, bouncer, jumperoo, high chair. Anything. Get on with your day.

And get out to playgroups. You can talk to other parents for an hour and a half while he entertains himself with the toys and other babies.

@Daniella36 so does that mean that most 2nd/subsequent children are emotionally damaged? I'll bet any money that the vast majority have been left to cry for a few minutes out of sheer necessity. Talking from experience, it is nigh on impossible and sometimes dangerous to wipe a toddlers bum, cook a meal, clean etc whilst holding a baby at the same time.

We're not talking about chronic neglect where babies are left to scream for hours. We're talking about a stressed, overstimulated mum letting her baby cry for a few minutes. My son cries when I change his nappy. Does that mean I stop changing him because I don't want him to cry ever? Of course not because that really is neglect.

I honestly agree with every single response, that’s why my head is all over the place - I think all the things the posters have advised and not sure which way to head. When I leave my baby so upset, I feel awful because if my DH was upset like this I wouldn’t just walk away to another room. But it’s not the same thing and I need to tell myself that. Oh he doesn't crawl of course, hates laying on his stomach or his back. Just wants to stand, or me to walk him around.

I really need to get out and about too- not meeting mums for 3 months because I’m scared,is going me no favours. I sit at home or just walk around supermarkets and the local village, alone.

On the husband side, it is definitely not a man problem. He runs a business with calls from morning and well into the night, he does all finances (I don’t even know how much mortgage is after interest rates spike), I don’t cook whatsoever, I haven’t washed clothes for weeks, I don’t unload the dishwasher. I haven’t used a Hoover for months. On top of that we are doing a massive extension on the house and I don’t get involved in a single detail. DH wakes up at 5am makes me a coffee then he doesn’t get to sit down again until late into the evening. I think I need to take charge of the baby problem, I am on mat leave and it is literally my only task.

I think this is part of the problem - maybe if I just got on with things I wouldn’t be so depressed and lonely. Mum groups, do a chore here or there. Just fucking get on with life a bit instead of walking around holding the baby for 9-10 hours. I can’t even do a food shop - the other day DH asked if I could grab beef stock from the supermarket and whilst I was looking for it my son started whining and then crying so I quickly left.

He sleeps amazingly at night btw, 11–12 hours with no wake ups, DH insisted on cry it out at 3.5 months and it’s been a success. So I can’t even complain of bad nights. I feel like maybe I need to stop whinging myself so much and just bloody get on with life, and my day. But if he is in peak of separation anxiety then I question whether I should just give him all the contact right now, and wait till it passes?

OP who does the cooking, chores, etc? A cleaner or your husband? If it's your husband maybe you can swap tasks with him during that time - he does childcare and you switch up your tasks (out of sight of baby preferably), just for your sanity. If it's a cleaner maybe you can take over those duties and reallocate the money to childcare just for that period. Just a thought

How do you ever get your shopping if you leave the second he whines a little?

Carry snacks with you and give him a rice cake or something while he sits in the seat of the trolley.

He doesn't eat. No purées nothing. Sometimes will nibble on a cucumber or piece of chicken for a minute.

@Getthefiregoing

I used to wear head phones when my daughter was whinging. She almost never napped and either wailed, cried, talked or moaned all day.

It eventually stopped!

Going back to work did wonders for my sanity, going to the toilet alone was like a new exciting experience.

Haven't read all replies so I may have missed someone else recommending, get a baby carrier go on about your day with him strapped to you.
Baby may need to cry sometimes

If I literally just had to hold a baby all day and never really see anyone or do anything else, I'd lose it.

Put him down somewhere safe and start leaving him for a few minutes at the time to go to the loo or make a coffee or whatever

It's not going to cause any long term damage being left for a few mins at a time

The trouble is, this might not be the peak, and it'll get harder and harder to give him a bit more independence as he gets older and more vocal. You could be waiting an unbearable amount of time for this to pass.

Bless you, it sounds like you have so much going on. Your husband sounds like he's doing a much as he can to support his family with the time he has available - is there anyone supporting him so he can be freed up for you? Can anyone take LO off your hands from time to time and give you a bit of breathing space?

I know what it's like to be in public and feel like you need to keep your baby quiet so you don't encroach on others. However, as my father so delicately put it to me the other day, "f*ck 'em, they aren't your problem'. As much as it pains me to admit it, he's right. Your baby is allowed to cry in public, and the public really can live with it. If you're looking for permission to exist in the outside world with a crying child, here it is! So get out and about, ditch the politeness, save your mental health , and show your son that he can have a bit of independence from you.

I hope tomorrow is easier for you than yesterday x

I worry that I'm slowly getting to that stage.
Spoke with DH, he agreed to put baby in daycare 1 day a week. Kinda sad I've to pan him off. Maybe he'll learn more independence there.

It's really hard at this age with separation anxiety. It sounds like you need to let him cry a little bit so you can have a bit of life yourself. I wouldn't view it as him being in charge or whatever, he's just tiny and needs you a lot, but it's a phase. With carriers, you can get some which also allow back carrying. Using it doesn't mean you have to carry them all day but you could get out and go for a walk (maybe with another parent) or get some chores done. Then when you need the loo or shower sit them in the room with some toys and ignore the whining / crying. Also agree about going out for an hour or two so he can spend some time with dad. It's the only way for his dad to learn strategies for keeping him calm which don't involve you. You need to take care of yourself.

Also agree don't worry about him crying in public! Normal and not a big deal.

I think you need to try and address this before the child starts nursery, otherwise that’s just going to be an additional battle, especially as it’s just one day a week. The staff won’t be able to carry him around all day, and that would be more traumatic than just letting him cry whilst you wee!

I would try sort out the weaning also.

He needs to be put down and that’s all there is to it. I’m afraid there will be tears but you need to breathe and not react to it.

It's going to be better once he can walk. Then your mum meetups will be at the soft play, or the playground. The coffee and lunch ends at 6 months really for most babies I think. They need more stimulation. The mums group will evolve. Could you suggest a local soft play that has a baby area?

You must lie him on his back and stomach at home, even if he cries. Every day. He needs this every day. He needs to do it to build his physical strength. Time it. Start with 10 seconds. Sit in front of him, singing or whatever. Build it up.

If you don't do this then it will delay his walking independently and you'll be lugging him around longer.

Please don't worry about him crying in the supermarket or baby groups. Whenever I see/hear a baby crying when I'm shopping, I just feel for the parent because everyone who's had children have been in that position themselves!

Oh yes and life was better when I got some wireless headphones and listened to music or podcasts or audiobooks for some of the time. Stopped me going crazy with boredom and drudgery and servitude if I was actually doing something pleasurable and interesting at t6e sam time. I suppose I need a lot of stimulation too!

"DH insisted on cry it out at 3.5 months and it’s been a success"

Maybe it hasn't been quite the success that you think it's been.

Maybe there is a direct link between the abandonment your child felt during the 'cry it out' trauma and the fear of abandonment it now feels during the day.

@BluIsTheColor

get a grip!

Hi @BluIsTheColor the baby was the same before but also waking up every two hours at night. So now at least I completely switch off when he's gone to sleep knowing I have a good night's rest ahead.

So if you compare to how things were before, yes it has been a success.
Do you think it's bad to sleep train? Or at that age?

So today I sat him down on the bed with loads of toys (he doesn't crawl yet so was safe) and went to get the washing from the dryer and sort it.
Well he cried and within 40 seconds he's gone into a full screaming mode, red face etc.
so i abandoned my washing and went to him.

This is the thing everyone says 'it's okay for him to cry a bit', but what if it goes into a screaming mode very quickly? Shall I finish my 10 min task?
I am ready to just put headphones in.

Yes, I think there's a risk associated with cry it out/controlled crying that the child will end up with abandonment issues.