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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

543 replies

FlyingPi · 25/01/2023 23:42

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingPi · 26/01/2023 13:19

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/01/2023 13:17

But you are specifically talking about public loos so of course I got that from your comment!

I still dont believe every woman you know has been sexually assualted as a child in public in some form or another and I speak as an abuse victim myself.

Well, that is obviously one of these anecdotal things neither of us can prove, but the fact remains, it is common. And by the way I am including flashing and sexual comments, which you may or may not class as being sexually assaulted.

OP posts:
SilentNightDancer · 26/01/2023 13:22

Are sexual comments really comparable to sexual assault?

Obviously they aren't nice and can be intimidating - but it devalues the meaning of the word 'assault' if we're lumping 'oi nice tits' in with physical groping with no distinction.

Catspyjamas17 · 26/01/2023 13:25

@SilentNightDancer Assault doesn't necessarily mean physical contact was made. It means the apprehension of it as well.

Words can be extremely distressing and upsetting also.

Perfect28 · 26/01/2023 13:25

Which is precisely why misogyny needs to become a crime.

Original poster
FlyingPi · 26/01/2023 13:27

We're not talking about adults though, we're talking about young children.
A sexual comment makes me uncomfortable in the moment, I'm going to get over it. For an innocent 7 year old it's going to introduce a lot of difficult conversations he's not yet ready for. He still thinks the Tooth Fairy comes for his teeth and gives them to babies.

OP posts:
OutForBreakfast · 26/01/2023 13:29

@FlyingPi 7 year olds will hear sexual comments at school even if he does not understand them.

Original poster
FlyingPi · 26/01/2023 13:31

Oh my gosh do you really think a kid of 10 saying something is the same thing as a grown man potentially saying it?

I'm stepping away from this debate, it's become something I didn't intend.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/01/2023 13:34

FlyingPi · 26/01/2023 13:31

Oh my gosh do you really think a kid of 10 saying something is the same thing as a grown man potentially saying it?

I'm stepping away from this debate, it's become something I didn't intend.

You are pretty much accusing all men of being sexual predators yet are shocked when people want to debate?

maddy68 · 26/01/2023 13:35

FlyingPi · 26/01/2023 13:19

Well, that is obviously one of these anecdotal things neither of us can prove, but the fact remains, it is common. And by the way I am including flashing and sexual comments, which you may or may not class as being sexually assaulted.

Show quote history

I haven't either! Toilets are where it's least likely to happen. Locks on doors people in and out frequently

Noonesperfect · 26/01/2023 13:46

euff · 26/01/2023 09:25

Women demonising 7year old boys and saying what they will or won't turn into because at the age of 7 they accompanied their mother into the ladies toilets where everyone is using a cubicle are ridiculous.

Why on earth would a six year old girl be so very conscious of a 7 year old boy accompanied by his mother? My DD had her periods very early as did I. Neither of us would have taken a second glance at a 7 year old male child using the toilets. He's not in our bloody cubicle with us.

🤣🤣🤣 that's what I thought 🤨

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/01/2023 13:52

TheWelshTart · 26/01/2023 09:57

You sound a nasty piece of work.

Show quote history

I agree. By all means speak to the Mum if you must but don’t challenge little boys.

I think the general line is that up to 8 is ok

OoooohMatron · 26/01/2023 13:53

Noonesperfect · 26/01/2023 12:11

@ funnyface36 I always ask them if they are a girl ( which they don't like)

Do you like bullying little kids? You don't know what their back story might be. Maybe they have been abused in the past. What a nasty thing to say. What do they say at school? Pick on someone your own size!

This. I bet she wouldn't challenge 6 foot Dave who wears a frock and calls himself Davina in order to access ladies toilets. Only innocent little boys, going for a wee.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/01/2023 13:57

Maryquitecontrary55 · Today 06:55
A 7 year old boy using the ladies is ridiculous. No reason at all he can't use the gents. Stand outside if you're that worried. What do you think will happen?“

Possibly the same as what happened to a 14 year old who was brutally raped in a huge Manchester shopping Centre public lavatory in the middle of the afternoon not so very long ago. Wasn’t the first time, won’t be the last. As you know.

Don’t be disingenuous/or dense.

SilentNightDancer · 26/01/2023 13:57

And yet 75% of people who have voted on this thread still seem to think that 7 is too old for the ladies' toilets.

CellophaneFlower · 26/01/2023 14:07

SilentNightDancer · 26/01/2023 13:57

And yet 75% of people who have voted on this thread still seem to think that 7 is too old for the ladies' toilets.

Do they? As that wasn't the question OP asked.

Underhisi · 26/01/2023 14:09

"And yet 75% of people who have voted on this thread still seem to think that 7 is too old for the ladies' toilets."

That was not the question that was asked.

purpledalmation · 26/01/2023 14:09

If anyone said anything to me I'd say he was a girl who liked boys clothes. I wouldn't send him alone into the mend swimming pool changing room

Noonesperfect · 26/01/2023 14:12

LittlemissMama67 · 26/01/2023 11:41

Not what this post is about but keen to see what peoples thoughts are on this.. my daughter is almost 3 and has autism. The sound of people using the hand dryers is very upsetting to her. Am I wrong to use the disabled toilet for her for this reason? It's okay if you think I am. I generally don't yet I use baby change still but it's just curious

No you are not at all wrong! Autism is classed as a disability so she has every right to be in there.

Mummyof287 · 26/01/2023 14:12

FlyingPi · 25/01/2023 23:53

He has just turned 7.
Obviously he's perfectly able to use a toilet himself, but the idea of him seeing grown men using urinals, or - even if it's a small chance - someone dodgy approaching him, worries me. We all know there are flashers and worse about, I saw them when I was a kid and so did most women I know.
At some point he just won't agree to go in the ladies, hopefully by then he'll be ready to handle any bad situations.

I don't have boy but this would have presented concerns for me too OP if I did.I really don't see how anyone would have issue with a 7yo child using the ladies! I mean the women are all in their own private cubicles anyway, and he is a child not some predatory adult male fgs. 🤷

I hate urinals, think they are outdated lazy and gross.Why can't men just use the bloody toilet cubicles like women do! I get your concerns because whilst it is probably fairly unlikely, sexual abuse such as a man exposing himself...or worse, can happen very quickly and IF it did could scar a child for life.

I would not be letting my 7yo child be unsupervised in a toilet block around half naked men, so I think YANBU and are just being an appropriately protective parent.

Perhaps a middle ground when he is abit older but still a 'child' could be using the disabled toilet?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/01/2023 14:15

I would not be letting my 7yo child be unsupervised in a toilet block around half naked men

Half naked? 🙄

Theluggage15 · 26/01/2023 14:16

Mummyof287 · 26/01/2023 14:12

I don't have boy but this would have presented concerns for me too OP if I did.I really don't see how anyone would have issue with a 7yo child using the ladies! I mean the women are all in their own private cubicles anyway, and he is a child not some predatory adult male fgs. 🤷

I hate urinals, think they are outdated lazy and gross.Why can't men just use the bloody toilet cubicles like women do! I get your concerns because whilst it is probably fairly unlikely, sexual abuse such as a man exposing himself...or worse, can happen very quickly and IF it did could scar a child for life.

I would not be letting my 7yo child be unsupervised in a toilet block around half naked men, so I think YANBU and are just being an appropriately protective parent.

Perhaps a middle ground when he is abit older but still a 'child' could be using the disabled toilet?

Show quote history

Half naked men?!!! Hahaha. Get a grip.

Theluggage15 · 26/01/2023 14:17

Mummyof287 · 26/01/2023 14:12

I don't have boy but this would have presented concerns for me too OP if I did.I really don't see how anyone would have issue with a 7yo child using the ladies! I mean the women are all in their own private cubicles anyway, and he is a child not some predatory adult male fgs. 🤷

I hate urinals, think they are outdated lazy and gross.Why can't men just use the bloody toilet cubicles like women do! I get your concerns because whilst it is probably fairly unlikely, sexual abuse such as a man exposing himself...or worse, can happen very quickly and IF it did could scar a child for life.

I would not be letting my 7yo child be unsupervised in a toilet block around half naked men, so I think YANBU and are just being an appropriately protective parent.

Perhaps a middle ground when he is abit older but still a 'child' could be using the disabled toilet?

Show quote history

And no he can’t use the disabled loo unless he’s disabled. Unbelievable selfish twats on here.

SilentNightDancer · 26/01/2023 14:20

Underhisi · 26/01/2023 14:09

"And yet 75% of people who have voted on this thread still seem to think that 7 is too old for the ladies' toilets."

That was not the question that was asked.

Fair enough.

75% of people believe that a 7-year-old who wishes to use the men's toilets unaccompanied should be allowed to do so.

Presumably, this means that 75% of people don't think that a 7-year-old is in significant danger from using the gents.

This corresponds with my personal view that the average 7-year-old should be capable of using the men's toilets, as a general rule.

Sirzy · 26/01/2023 14:26

Mummyof287 · 26/01/2023 14:12

I don't have boy but this would have presented concerns for me too OP if I did.I really don't see how anyone would have issue with a 7yo child using the ladies! I mean the women are all in their own private cubicles anyway, and he is a child not some predatory adult male fgs. 🤷

I hate urinals, think they are outdated lazy and gross.Why can't men just use the bloody toilet cubicles like women do! I get your concerns because whilst it is probably fairly unlikely, sexual abuse such as a man exposing himself...or worse, can happen very quickly and IF it did could scar a child for life.

I would not be letting my 7yo child be unsupervised in a toilet block around half naked men, so I think YANBU and are just being an appropriately protective parent.

Perhaps a middle ground when he is abit older but still a 'child' could be using the disabled toilet?

Show quote history

What exactly do you think men are doing in the toilets?

and no the disabled toilet isn’t an option unless the child is disabled.

Underhisi · 26/01/2023 14:28

"Perhaps a middle ground when he is abit older but still a 'child' could be using the disabled toilet?"

Being a 10 year old boy isn't a disability so no he shouldn't be using it.