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AIBU?

Dad and women's changing room.

244 replies

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:49

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

SmileWithADimple · 25/01/2023 19:52

I'm so sorry this happened to you, what a nasty horrible man. Yes, I would report it to the swimming pool manager.

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Schoolchoicesucks · 25/01/2023 19:52

That sounds dreadful. Yes you absolutely should report it. I'm surprised given the length of exchanges that no staff intervened at the time. Do they have cctv in the foyer area? Did his wife react at all?

No wonder you ended up in tears. I hope he is told not to return to the pool or lessons.

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peeweechigs · 25/01/2023 19:52

Send exactly what you've written here to the teacher and the person who runs the swimming classes/school. That man should be banned and then you continue to go. Ask them to ban him. You don't leave! And report it to the police as he threatened you and that is a criminal act liable to prosecution.

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saamantha19881 · 25/01/2023 19:53

Id report to the pool and probably also the police as you were being threatened.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, it sounds really scary and upsetting xxx

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BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:53

Sorry I meant to turn off voting. I am still shaking.

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IaminRome · 25/01/2023 19:54

Of course report it to the school and the swimming school.
Perhaps they're not providing appropriate changing facilities for families, but you were absolutely entitled to your privacy and he was an out of order arsehole and completely unreasonable. I'm not surprised you were so shaked. I'm sorry you endured that.

I would say don't let him win by dropping out of the class, but honestly do what you need to do. Definitely report it tho. Absolutely appalling behaviour

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Tomnooktoldmeto · 25/01/2023 19:54

You need to report him (and his wife) to the pool and the club. It is misogyny and a hate crime and not acceptable. His wife is either complicit as she failed to challenge him or as I suspect his primary victim

Either way he should be barred from the club and pool

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UmmmBopDeeDooWhop · 25/01/2023 19:54

Fucking hell!

What an absolutely horrible experience, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

For what it's worth, I think you handled the whole thing really well.

In a similar situation it helped me to think that I don't have some wanker like that in my life. He isn't married to your sister. He's not your neighbour. He's not a colleague. Some poor bastards have to have him round for Christmas. The prick.

I do think you should report him to the pool.

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PuttingDownRoots · 25/01/2023 19:56

Definitely complain. Its a normal set up fir toddler lessons... child goes with accompanying oarent into changing room of parents sex.

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BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:56

There is only one staff member at lessons, the teacher who was in the pool with the next class. I don't want say the company name but they hire the pool from a school and put the lessons on. So there isn't any receptionist or lifeguard etc. There is cctv in the foyer, but I am unsure if it records sound.

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Biscuitsinthestaffroom · 25/01/2023 19:56

Report, report, report! He is utterly in the wrong and the swimming pool should be backing you up and ensuring you are comfortable going forward.

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watchfulwishes · 25/01/2023 19:56

That should be reported both to the pool and to the Police - he threatened you. Poor wife, poor child.

I am so sorry this happened to you Brew

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greenspaces4peace · 25/01/2023 19:56

site manager and police.

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SundaySundaySunday · 25/01/2023 19:57

This is horrific, I am so sorry you went through this and think you handled it far better than I would have - I would probably have felt too intimidated to say anything to him. You absolutely did the right thing, he is completely in the wrong, and please do report him.

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NewShoes · 25/01/2023 19:57

peeweechigs · 25/01/2023 19:52

Send exactly what you've written here to the teacher and the person who runs the swimming classes/school. That man should be banned and then you continue to go. Ask them to ban him. You don't leave! And report it to the police as he threatened you and that is a criminal act liable to prosecution.

Exactly this - what an awful experience, well done for standing your ground.

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EsmeSusanOgg · 25/01/2023 19:57

Please report this incident to both the pool/ company running the class and the police. That is dwelt unhinged behaviour after a very reasonable request.

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lookslikeabombhitit · 25/01/2023 19:58

What an absolute fucking nightmare! Well done for standing your ground. I'm not surprised you're still shaking. Absolutely 100% report it to the swimming class and the pool management. This man is clearly some sort of lunatic. I'd also log it with the police tbh! If he's treating a random woman like that god knows what he's like to his wife and children.

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Tandora · 25/01/2023 19:58

I’d report him to the police for sexual harassment . 100% report to class and swimming pool.

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Justcallmebebes · 25/01/2023 19:58

You poor thing. That's awful but totally on him and not you. You did nothing wrong.

Definitely report to the pool management

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EsmeSusanOgg · 25/01/2023 19:58

Quite. Not dwelt. Silly autocorrect

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SnackSizeRaisin · 25/01/2023 19:58

Report to police. He should also be banned from the venue. Why does it need 2 people to dress a 4 year old anyway. What an unpleasant individual. I too feel sorry for his wife.

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BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:58

Tomnooktoldmeto · 25/01/2023 19:54

You need to report him (and his wife) to the pool and the club. It is misogyny and a hate crime and not acceptable. His wife is either complicit as she failed to challenge him or as I suspect his primary victim

Either way he should be barred from the club and pool

I did wonder if he is abusive to her and that is why she stayed so quite. Even though my husband is incredibly shy he would always stick up for me if it was needed.

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Lenald · 25/01/2023 19:59

I really do think you should report him to the police.

I am so sorry that happened to you. What a disgusting man with questionable motives.

No sane man would thinking standing at the changing room like that was OK. He’s a vile bully.

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BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 20:00

Quiet not Quite! Sorry I am struggling with typing still.

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AntiHop · 25/01/2023 20:01

I would report to the police. What an arsehole

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