DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

He is so unreasonable and a complete arse for making you feel bad. He is completely undervaluing your contribution to family life.

I have name changed for this as in combination with other posts on here I could completely out myself.

I feel so sad and outraged on your behalf.

Agree the biggest issue here is his lack of respect for you. You need to address that and if you can't perhaps it's all over for your marriage. It sounds like you wonder that too.

My family situation is a mirror of yours. I ended up being the one with the high paying "corporate" job and DH has had periods of high pay and no pay as we moved around. When we first married he was higher earner by quite a bit as he's a few years older than me. He doesn't have a "career" now though and he would find it v hard (impossible?) to get a well paid job now. We went around the world together - he was the "trailing spouse" and because I travelled for work he always made sure he was at home for our DC.

As a family I appreciate that the comforts we have come because of what we both contributed and still do. My job is still v full on. He has a business idea that he's pursuing. It's not really come to anything and generates no income but he works his working hours around doing the heavy lifting of DC, house, cars and garden. I probably still carry more of mental load on DC and planning stuff plus more interesting menus but he does the bulk of work. Sometimes wish he'd notice things need doing more but he does the regular stuff and if I ask him to do something or if I write him a list of jobs (eg if we're having friends to stay) he will happily do it.

I have sometimes over the years wished that we were more even in sharing contributions to bank balance and work. This is because it all feels like it's on me to "provide". In periods where I'm fed up at work or if looks like might be redundancies, it's all on me to find another job to pay the bills. That's sometimes stressful but I recognise it's the outcome of all the years and choices we made. I can hardly complain now when I know he left a perfectly good job in our last overseas posting 7 years ago (where we had a nanny) to move back to the UK with primary aged kids for my job. He chose not to work for a year to get us all settled and then when he started looking realised how hard it was to sell his somewhat patchy overseas experience, and find something that would also work around kids. (Also he had no network.) Hence trying to set up a business opportunity. (We also found moving back to UK with kids v v hard. No network of any kind to fall back on - we had to be v self reliant)

I have always appreciated that DH was there for DC if I wasn't. I occasionally missed a school assembly or wasn't around for a football game. DH was and that mattered to us both.

I 100% know that my professional success is because we had fabulous nanny when kids were young, a lot of help at home when we lived overseas and DH's career over the years took a back seat to mine, particularly when we returned to UK. Sounds like your DH has lost perspective on this totally. He's believing his own PR about how special and exceptional to have got where he is he rather than understanding the choices and contributions you both made to get there.

It is possible, if I am being generous, that your DH is stressed about the pressure of being the primary financial provider. But he is being exceptionally unreasonable in how he is articulating it.

God, he really is a nasty bastard, isn't he?

His actually taking the piss out of you! His where he is because of your support and raising the kids for him. You could get a better job, but then he needs to do half the jobs at home too. Tell him to get his marigolds on!!!

This.

Stop waiting around for this nasty abusive man to dump you.

He has used for 20 years and you need to wake up to just what a nasty piece of work he is.

Get ALL paperwork with bank accounts, pensions, salaries together now.

List in detail how often he goes away.

Keep any nasty texts as proof of his abuse.

Stop being so passive to this awful prick.

You sound like an amazing woman.

He has either had his head turned OR is looking.

Do not trust him for a minute.

But gather any and all damaging proof to give you leverage to humiliate him if necessary.

Detach emotionally and stop getting upset in front of him.

Get a good therapist experienced in dealing with people whom have been emotionally abused.

You can come out of this financially secure if you act quickly and cleverly.

Actively seek out a rottweiler solicitor to act for you.

Employ a forensic accountant if you are in anyway suspicious of hidden money.

You are not going to enjoy retirement with this prick so the sooner you start planning for your future without him the better.

Start telling family and friends exactly who he is and what he is.

Stop protecting him.

Dh, I’ve been thinking and you were right that it was my choice to move overseas with you. I thought we were both committed to our marriage and you would value the sacrifices I made. I was wrong. It is now my choice to make no more sacrifices for you. To start with I’m going away for a few weeks, on my own. Leaving now. Given you have the enormous career advantage on me of having had a wife doing everything at home your whole career, a few weeks juggling dc and job like all those superhero women you mention should be a piece of cake, and it feels like my first proper break since I met you so we both win.

and leave. Come back , with your new rules. He can batch cook, he can take them to sports, he can do the school run when he’s in town. He has the advantage of seniority and a proven track record. Worst case, you are upskilling him so he’s not a shit dad if he leaves you (& I’d tell him this is a factor)

I'm sorry you're stressed about this. I work in that environment and see the way they talk about their wives, it is ridiculous, I know one person who has four full time nannies for four children, but a wife in a "top job" whom he clearly competes with, and I think it's frankly pathetic. I am sure your contribution to his success has been absolutely massive and invaluable and he has no place not recognising that you have paid for that contribution in terms of career advancement.

I'm so sorry that he's being an arse. What does he say when you ask him why he feels you should get a 'better' job - does he just mean more 'prestigious' or because he wants you to earn more money, and if the latter is it because he is genuinely worried about your combined income or just because he wants more.

But as everyone on this thread has pointed out and as you're perfectly aware, this isn't on you, this isn't because you're lazy or somehow lacking, it's entirely because a) everyone knows someone's (usually a woman's) career prospects obviously take a massive hit if they move abroad for their spouse's careers for years and take time off to have three children, b) everywhere is still extremely misogynistic and ageist and so workplaces don't give the due attention they should to a women in her 50s even without the gaps and c) he's obviously giving no credit at all to all the unpaid work you've been doing all these years raising the kids and running the household and facilitating his career and his lifestyle.

Jesus wept this gives me the rage on your behalf that he's so hard of understanding and worse, making you question yourself whether you're lazy etc. And I'm sure women the world over are in similar positions. Categorically it's not you, it's him.

Op has kids and has effectively harmed her career because she followed her husband
abroad and took on the mental load
Do you have children!? If so who took care of them while you worked in your high power job.?

I'm not normally a cynical person but I can't help thinking he wants you to be earning more because either you are being compared to a specific woman who he now has his eye on OR he has been told by a friend that if you are working in a job and career he will not have to pay out as much when he divorces you.

And I think none of these women had to support husband's career and move several times in their lifetime. You can't have it all without spouse's support, nanny, cleaner or so. He's being very unreasonable and ungrateful dick.

This with bells on. So apparently he could also run your household do all your cooking and sort out the children whilst still doing his own super important top job, because it's obviously a piece of piss right?

After you had made that choice, did your H change his mind & berate you for it, once it was too late for you to have a high-flying career?
Yes, he did, alas. And found an OW with no children and a better career, to compare me with. Now my exh, thank goodness.

I think many men are very, very happy to believe that their career is all thanks to their own efforts and nothing to do with any choices their wife may have made. So happy to believe it that they conveniently overlook any evidence to the contrary.

He wants you to get a better job so that when he leaves you he doesn’t have to pay as much maintenance and gets a better settlement. Take heed.

Been in a similar situation. As PP have said, consult a top divorce lawyer now and see where you stand. He is worried about either losing his job, or he is gearing up to leave. Good luck OP. He sounds like a prick.

Don't tell him this.

If he worried he is encouraging you to get a better job NOW because he's got one eye on divorce and the payments he'll have to make to you.

This comment is awful. You are completely minimising his behaviour.

You're right, he's not thinking about the 'how and why' OP is where she is. But that's not OK. It's not because 'men think differently'. It's because he's lived his whole life with male privilege which he needs to get into check, and if he doesn't realise that, then he's a selfish and sexist twat and needs to be told.

Men don't inherently 'think differently', they are perfectly capable of seeing things from a woman or anyone else's perspective.

This sort of comment enables misogynistic, entitled, pig-headed men to continue going through life being completely unaware of their privilege. It needs to be called out.

Men are 100% as capable as women of understanding how the world works and the sacrifices many women make for their marriages/ children. Many just go through life choosing not to.

Who the fuck are the (currently) 2% who voted that the OP is unreasonable?

Outraged on your behalf OP

sounds like he is a bit smitten with one of these super women

I'd be looking into Divorce right now. I think it'll be a better investment.

HIBVU.
Spell out to him: My career prospects declined when I a) followed you as a trailing spouse to X country b) ditto to Y country c) when I took time out to have and raise our children. Do not imagine that I can now leap into a top job and please properly give me credit for my flexibility and commitment both to you and to our still growing family.

Or call his bluff and say, 'Brilliant! If you want me to climb the career ladder you need right now to scale back at work and do 50% of all child care including admin and mental load, social calendars, clubs and school liason as well as 50% of all shopping, cleaning, cooking and family admin so that I can concentrate on developing the relevant skills and so that we have a stable supportive family life in place that will enable me to step up to a full time position without disrupting the children;s wellbeing or upping my stress levels and causing fights between us over shared workload. If you are serious about wanting me to aim high, show it through this active level of support.'

YANBU.
My DH and I have a very similar working history and set-up, but he doesn't berate me for earning comparatively little to him. He supports me. He does housework and kids' lifts and so-on when he can. When he's away with work I find life harder. When I returned to my career after a long break, he encouraged me to put half my salary into my pension, as I'd lost out on years of contributions whilst being SAHM. All the money we earn goes into our joint accounts and we've always had free access to all of it. He recognises the contributions I make to our life together, and that there is more to be appreciated about a person than what they put into the bank account each month. Your DH sounds horrible and I would also find it difficult to stay.

I think I would be making a plan for when the kids are adults and you can enjoy the freedom of your own life, rather than a life of serving him.

He is most definitely BU!

The only reason he got to the position he is (both work AND family-wise) is because you sacrificed your career for the benefit of his.

If he's willing to take on half of all household chores/kids responsibilities/dog responsibilities/etc/etc, then you MIGHT be in a position to get a different job but you shouldn't feel pressured to do so.

He's being a DICK!!!!

He's being a total knob. If you were to split up you would be entitled to half his pension and at least half the house and if he's a high earner he would have to pay quite a lot of child maintenance. I would dump him.