DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

Tell him to shut the fuck up or you divorce him and make sure you get your share of his pension.

This is shocking OP, I’m really struggling to see how you could possibly have reached his dizzy career level unless you had chosen not to have children, not supported his career and not followed him round the world progressing his career. To put this all at your front door now is outrageous.

In the nicest possible way, he has waited until you are mid fifties, stood on your shoulders to get where he is and brought up his bloody kids, done everything in the home before he has put this back on you.

he needs a good kick up the bloody arse.

Don’t let him undermine you. The sheer logistics of moving to four different companies with 3 small children in tow is is a huge undertaking and I bet you did the organisation and co ordination.
When you moved back to uk did he research schools, arrange enrolling them, sort uniform, get them settled. Bet answer is no.

To be fair my ex did an easier job while I worked in the city and I did feel resentful as my earnings were enabling him to keep a lower stress job. There is a big shortage of qualified lawyers at the moment- you could definitely get a job in private practice if you wanted. I’m not saying you should but I get that it’s stressful being the provider and working in the city.

That's not how marriage works though. It wasn't 'your choice' (singular). When you are married, you make big life decisions together. That's what marriage is. Regardless of whose idea was or who initiated it, this was a lifestyle decision agreed upon by both of you in order to enable you both to do what you wanted to do (i.e. earn money, have children, have a nice lifestyle).

If you were somehow not on the same page about that decision, then he should have said at the time. Not years later when he's happened to meet a high flying female lawyer and had some huge realisation that a woman is actually capable of having a career (misogynistic arse).

It's so short-sighted of him to question decisions you made years ago at this point.

Honeslty OP, I would be so offended by this I don't think I'd be able to stay with him. I'm actually fuming on your behalf.

He sounds really abusive.

Go away for on a training course, book something, go Monday to Friday, don’t batch cook. Leave him to it.

I work FT, run a home etc but my DH isn’t working away, your DH was away 3 weeks in one of the busiest months in the family/school calendar!! I couldn’t succeed in my job with a DH working like that, he is setting you up to fail.

I' m 54 and live on my own, it's so lovely not having to put up with this shit. l work part time, sometimes do overtime if l please. A simple life is the best way of life in my opinion.

I think you just need to focus on yourself as he has started criticising you, so I suspect he will soon start with resentment and then justification for any different paths he may choose to follow..you need to prepare so that you have options.

If it was me I would be re-training, a degree, refresher course, any and everything you can do, to upskill, whilst outsourcing more of the unpaid household stuff. At the moment you are married and you have funds at your disposal , so use them. He can hardly complain since your justification is to get that better job he thinks you should have.

Don't worry about saving for yourself, thats irrelevant as everything will get split if you separate anyway. Also best to not try and upskill too fast as you need to keep your earning potential lower so you take more than 50% in the event he decides to jump ship..brutal and it may not come to it, but I think you need to position yourself as best you can.

I'm not dismissing anything.

OP made her choices in good faith, & her H welcomed them.
The fact that he is now backtracking is not her fault.

Love this idea.

Tell him you're taking his advice about jumping back into your legal career. Sign up for professional course (ideally a residential one) in your area of interest.

Go away for a week. Don't leave a single meal prepared or the uniforms washed. Let him see how well he does at work without you keeping the wheels turning.

In the meantime you'll have a week with professionals who share your interests. You can network and learn from your colleagues and maybe even get some useful professional connections out of it.

What a truly truly HORRIBLE man he is. Please divorce him. And take half (or 60%). Men like this make me feel really sick.

In a nutshell, this.

After you had made that choice, did your H change his mind & berate you for it, once it was too late for you to have a high-flying career?

My husband works full time and I'm the stay at home parent. We've had money worries of course but he has never nagged me to get a 'job' when money worries arise because he values the work I do. I think ultimately the op's husband just doesn't respect everything she has done for him over the years. Disgraceful. Life's success isn't all about big careers and high incomes.

you don’t seem all that keen on your dh either. Do you love him? Or would you prefer to separate?

There's not enough information here to know if situation is the same? Becuase if he was working less and chilling out and ALSo sitting around while you did all the childcare, mental load, housework, cooking and cleaning then absolutely, you had every right to be resentful.

If, however, he had a less hectic, less stressful job and therefore made YOUR stressful job less stressful by removing the load at home, then I'd say you being resentful would be pretty silly.

It's all about context. OP has been facilitating her DH's job for years and years and years. And it's not even, if I'm understanding correctly, about her needing a new job now. It's about him being resentful she hasn't yet made partner.

Sounds like he cares more about money than your happiness or sense of fulfilment. Very sad.

Threads like this should be mandatory reading for young women.

So so common.

My mother is one of these elusive high-flying lawyers, with 3 DC. We had live-in nannies when we were kids. Live-in nannies fgs. And my father had a very flexible timetable with his job. With DC myself and only school as a support, there is no way I could do the hours she did at the time.

Your husband is being extremely arrogant and unreasonable. You have done amazingly, working and taking care of 3 DC. As another poster put it, there is no way he would have had a successful career and 3 DC if it hadn't been for you enabling it.

You're taking all the right steps now, be proud of yourself.

The op has made huge sacrifices to her own career, for him. He has no right to turn around now and nag her to get a better job.

The tone of your messages is sad, like you are justifying and pleading to make him understand why he should respect you. Stop that. Now. Start living your life as if you deserve to exist and like he is lucky to have you.

I know that's easier said than done but if he was a job youd be having time off for stress. Stop batch cooking for him and transferring your salary. Have a firm conversation along the lines of feeling disrespected because XYZ and it stops now. You want to rejig finance and division of labour and if he doesnt appreciate your sacrifices and that you are an equal partner then he can go it alone. Consider counselling maybe..

But seriously start living the confident life you deserve. you've done amazing things for your family and you deserve respect. But you cant beg for it. X

By none uni age I took it to mean older teens. 3 teens perhaps one doing A levels, one GCSE is a lot.
Sounds like op doing both school runs, perhaps to more than one place (often cheaper than school bus)
Suspect they are also doing a lot of activities in and out of school. Needing lifts to friends or pt job.
Plus cooking, washing, housework.
Teens need you in different way than small children but still need you.

I’m another saying go for a residential course.

I asked my husband about this.

He said men do think differently and honestly he thinks that the husband just thinks it's a waste that his clever wife (obviously as clever as he is!) isn't earning what she's worth.

He's not thinking about the how and why you are where you are.

Basically being a bit dim - as opposed to being a total dick!

I hear you we're actually in the same boat. Personally, I do think you have to make sacrifices. It's either your career or you kids simply don't see you. I went for sacrificing my career. I do have moments where I wonder why I'm earning £1300 a month and my contemporaries are pulling in £10k a month plus! But that's life. Just sit down with your husband and have an honest chat. It's a lack of communication here that's the main problem.