DH being weird

[JelloHorse]

My DH an I are in about £20,000 worth of debt between various credit cards and loans.

We met when we were 18/19 and were both quite irresponsible with money. Unfortunately this has chased us into our early 30's. We've also had many family bereavements and situations which we've had to fork out for.

I'm self employed and unfortunately wasted my degree in order to help him out in his business. I now have zero relevant skills for the modern workplace. I teach Japanese online and make around £1500 per month (my mum was Japanese.) I was brought up in England and I'm bilingual. I don't know if any of this matters but I'm just trying to give the full story.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.

Oh dear sorry have just now seen we're 6 pages in, apologies if I've missed stuff relevant updates or did a "cancel the cheque" ...

What does this mean?

Is H not repaying too?

ONLY pay what you are responsible for. He is up to something.

He's talking out of his arse.

He doesn't want you going through all the debt paperwork or talking to an expert consolidator becuase it will reveal something he doesn;t want you to know.

Yes you are right, my DH told me that anyone who contacts step change will be declared bankrupt for life and will have zero opportunities.

He's either lying or stupid.

Possibly both, I grant you.

Keep talking to StepChange, ask their advice on how to discharge YOUR debt while distancing yourself from his.

He sounds like a financial nightmare. He is so ignorant & deluded it's dangerous.

He probably wants to keep using credit and knows that part of the stepchange agreement is to stop immediately. And also that once the op enters into a dmp it shines a light on his responsibility (or lack of) for his own debts.

OP. He is talking more bollocks than a politician at election time.

Unless you are doing something dodgy which requires enforcement action/recovery somewhere down the line, getting information is just that.

You aren't getting advice at this stage and quite honestly, no one who knows what they are doing should be giving you advice based on what looks like extremely limited information regarding his and more pertinently your JOINT finances (loans in both names and so on).

You can't actually get a credit report done on him without his permission or the legal authority to do so but you can run a credit check on yourself and this will show both what is in your name but also what is in joint names.

Hopefully there will be no nasty surprises on there but if something does pop up, you've got grounds to take things further. No sugar coating it, but unless there are massively extenuating circumstances, you are on the hook for these joint debts.

With regard to the crypto, ask him outright for details. If he doesn't give this information to him then HE IS FUCKING LYING TO YOU AND HIMSELF. "Enough" is not an answer.

Crypto is an unregulated gamble. You can make money on it BUT it's risky as all manner of shit (see LUNA, UST and so on) and ask yourself if in these circumstances, doesn't this sound to you like he's effectively banking on red coming up on the roulette table?

As for your skills, you are bilingual in a pretty bloody hard language to get fluency in (especially if you can read and write the language). It's a hell of a marketable skill.

I hate to join in the pile on but honestly, he sounds a total anchor and he will drag you down if you don't take steps NOW.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. Yes, he has bitcoin, ethereum, and XRP (and a whole load of other things which I can't remember the names of).

He has all of them on ledgers and "cold storage." Sorry I am not sure if I am using the right terminology; it's just things I've picked up from him talking about it. He does seem to know what he's talking about in some ways, but he's so cagey about it that it makes me wonder.

I asked him today and he said he's currently got about £60,000 in crypto.

Assuming it’s not bollocks which I highly suspect it is he’d better cash it in asap and pay off your debts.

He says it's locked down for 18 months and he could only take out a few thousand but it wouldn't be worth it.

He says, he says, he says ...

Don't believe a word of what he tells you about money when he is refusing to evidence it.

Anyway, I've looked at the MSE website, so thanks to PP for that suggestion. Very helpful, just a lot to take in right now.

I don’t believe he has 60k in crypto but there’s no way it’s “locked down”, he may be locked out but that’s a different problem altogether.

I would:
a. Demand proof of his crypto holdings
b. Demand he cashes it our now

He's saying he has escrows under smart contracts and there's no third party involved as it's all computerised.
I've no idea really what any of this means. I've asked him to explain it further and he said I don't need to know. He genuinely genuinely believes he's going to make a fortune in around 18 months.

I'm getting pissed off now (long time coming, I know).

He also has AGIX - anyone know anything about that?

"Locked down for 18 months". More like he's got nothing and he's trying to build up money.
Demand proof.

Wow. ‘You don’t need to know’. What a prick he is. How dare he talk to you like that about your fucking finances! For that alone I would be out the door (let alone all of the red flags that have been highlighted by PP). Embrace the anger and channel it towards gaining financial independence and carving out a new career and future for yourself OP.

Yes, could be. He also knows that I don't really know anything about crypto and I think he's been quite happy with that. I'm going to try and find out as much as I can now.

Alarm bells would be ringing here....

How has he found £60,000 to invest in cryptocurrency?

Yes, it’s conceivable that he started out with less, but it’s not likely.

crytocurrency is gambling, not investing

He doesnt have 60k invested

He has 60k gambled

£60k In Cryptocurrency?
Plus" you don't need to know"
I'd be suspicious that he has gambled it away, judging what you Do know about his financial nouse

I’m a bit confused about your financial situation and think he’s hiding something, why is your credit rating poor? Is it because you’re missing payments? How has he managed to invest 60k if you can’t make your debt repayments and you’re worrying about debt being unmanageable? 20k debt isn’t an unmanageable amount of debt if you have enough money spare that you can invest 60k.

He’s either financially abusing you and has a lot more money than he’s letting on and doesn’t want you to find out, or he’s hiding debt from you and this 60k crypto currency is nonsense.

My credit rating is poor because I made bad decisions in my twenties. I took out credit cards and didn't think about having to pay them back.

To be honest, back then I wasn't really thinking about money or dealing with things at all. He's obviously put a lot of money into crypto which I was unaware of at the time. But to be fair, I didn't ask at the time and it's only now I've come to realise how stupid I've been.

There was a period of time in 2019 when he had money to burn, he was spending hundreds and hundreds of pounds a week. He gave me money too, but nowhere near as much as he was spending on himself.

I would suggest you untangle yourself financially from him and work on clearing your own debts. Stepchange helped me with an IVA as my ex-husband left me in six figure debt. I paid it off in around six years once the interest is frozen payments made a real difference they negotiated most of them down more than half.

Also your ability to speak Japanese is hugely valuable. Depending on what your degree is in you will get a job in London easily. A Japanese person I know runs a relocation company helping Japanese people settle in UK happy to introduce you if you send me a message. She lives in Paris but would probably be able to help you remotely.