DH being weird

[JelloHorse]

My DH an I are in about £20,000 worth of debt between various credit cards and loans.

We met when we were 18/19 and were both quite irresponsible with money. Unfortunately this has chased us into our early 30's. We've also had many family bereavements and situations which we've had to fork out for.

I'm self employed and unfortunately wasted my degree in order to help him out in his business. I now have zero relevant skills for the modern workplace. I teach Japanese online and make around £1500 per month (my mum was Japanese.) I was brought up in England and I'm bilingual. I don't know if any of this matters but I'm just trying to give the full story.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.

No idea if this will help as I don’t know where you’re based but as an idea to see what else is out there job-wise these are Japanese specialist recruitment agencies:

www.centrepeople.com/search

www.jac-recruitment.co.uk/jobs

www.people-first.co.uk/jobs?departments[]=1

Hope it helps look at options for you.

I’d be wary of the financial ties of being with someone who can’t or won’t face up to their debts or have a straight talk about finances and savings without vague answers like ‘enough’.

im self employed and after an ex left me - and all the accounts in my name I ended up going bankrupt in 2018 after years of struggling to make repayments.

Im self employed. They assessed my assets (old car and 10 year old mac) but said I could keep them as I needed them to continue working.

bankruptcy was granted in November 2018 - done by November 2019.

I then started to carefully build my credit score following advice from place like credit karma and money saving expert. My rating has gone from very poor to good (November 22).

I used stepchange for advice. Which did naff all to my credit score. I dealt with the bankruptcy directly with the insolvency office.

do not let debt continue to shadow your life. And be wary of buying a house or tying yourself more to a fantasist who can’t communicate about the relationship basics regarding finance.

I haven’t rtft but the two things that stand out to me are:

Teaching Japanese online definitely does not mean you have ‘no skills for the modern workplace’. Why would you think this?

Crypto is a scam. Don’t rely on DH to get this right, have confidence and take charge OP, you can do it, you already are.

Sorry to have to straight-talk you but him showing extreme anger, insulting you, refusing to give details/discuss and making catastrophising statements like

told me that anyone who contacts step change will be declared bankrupt for life and will have zero opportunities

are a stone-cold guarantee that he is lying to you and hiding something he really doesn't want you to find out.

I speak with the voice of experience, sadly.

You probably have been naive - I was, though it was done out of love and trust - and it may well cost you financially. But you should take steps urgently to untangle yourself financially from this man as he is definitely hiding something and his promises of being 'sorted' in the future from cryptocurrency are nothing but pie-in-the-sky nonsense to keep you quiet just a bit longer.

Crypto is not a scam on its own, though there are a lot of scams in the crypto market due to lack of regulation.

If he's holding ethereum or bitcoin, those are strong and likely to be worth considerably more in a few months time, based on historical performance.

Other coins, no. They are extremely high risk indeed.

You need to find out his wallet address - blockchain data is public by default - and then you can search his wallet ID on a blockchain explorer like etherscan (for ethereum) or the equivalent search engine for the coin/chain.

Then you will know exactly how much he's holding.

He's definitely hiding something and is trying to block you doing anything that might reveal his true level of debt.

You're doing absolutely the right thing. He's keeping the true severity of his situation from you and is panicking now
I'd take legal advice as I'd be worried he's put further debt in your name too

We have "enough" money on a monthly basis. However, I am trying to pay off all this debt.

While you're trying to pay it off, what's he doing? Is there any evidence that he is trying to pay it off too, or is he hoping that the crypto will miraculously solve everything? Is he doing a Micawber and 'something will turn up'? Does he spend a lot on himself?

Sorry but I too think he's hiding something and he's panicking about you going to Stepchange, that it will all come out. Because what he's saying about bankruptcy is totally wrong in the sense that it doesn't automatically equate to becoming bankrupt. But if he's in much more debt than you know about, it could be that bankruptcy might be the only way, with the best will in Stepchange's world.

He's catastrophising a bit, but he's not completely wrong. If you are thinking of entering into a debt management plan (DMP), it will affect your credit score, and your creditors might take you to court if they don't agree to your reduced payments. Plus, if they continue to charge you interest, you will end up taking longer and paying more to clear the debt.

Crypto is 😬

No advice to offer re. your DH, but I think perhaps you're selling yourself short re. your own skills. Being fluently bilingual, in addition to language tutoring work, offers lots of possibilities in translation, for example. While postgraduate qualifications in translation are available (and might be interesting or useful to you), they aren't strictly necessary: you mainly have to be good at it/have an ear for it. Not every bilingual or multilingual person is automatically good at translation, although it can be learnt as a skill. Translation work can pay very well if you are quick, and is especially in demand if you specialise in a certain subject area (automated translation software is not so good at coping with that). It is also very flexible, as you tend to get contracts to turn around in a certain number of days, without specifying the exact hours. If you enjoy language, this can be a very rewarding field of work!

More info re jobs here OP,

uk.linkedin.com/jobs/japanese-speaking-jobs?position=1&pageNum=0

There's no such thing as a "guaranteed return" on crypto. It's always an educated gamble at best and it's highly volatile. It doesn't sound like he's smart with money, so I'd be very concerned about what he's doing. If he isn't willing to sort his credit, you are taking a big risk by staying with him. He sounds like an unreliable gambler.

Yes you are right, my DH told me that anyone who contacts step change will be declared bankrupt for life and will have zero opportunities.

I'm going to be charitable and assume he made this comment out of ignorance. Even bankruptcy does not last for life. It lasts 12 months in England I think. I believe you have to declare if you have ever been bankrupt when applying for a mortgage but it certainly isn't going to affect you for your whole life. Going to Stepchange will help you get out of this cycle of debt. It eill affect your credit record for 6 years but you say that it's already poor.

I'd also be worried about the cryptocurrencies. Of course some people do make money from them but it would be surprising if your DH was one of them.

That’s nonsensical.

He has something to hide. You need to find out what is.

I completed a dmp through stepchange a few years ago. My credit score has recovered amazingly. Keep going with this.

Also , who is responsible for these debts op? If they're in his name it's not you.

He sounds like a bully op , a shady one at that. You can do better than this.

While I agree with all the advice that Step Change is a solid way to proceed, and your DH’s reliance on a crypto investment he can’t touch for 18 months is likely a lie, a scam or part of (in effect) a gambling addiction, I wonder if there isn’t a lot more to unpick in your relationship.

You’ve been together for well over a decade. It seems you have been following his lead financially (working for his business) but you aren’t fully aware of your joint financial situation. and instead of sitting down with him and talking about it, you approached Step Change on your won and only told him about it after.

I’m not criticising you for this, his reaction makes it obvious that this was a good decision on your part. I’m trying to show that it is clear you already don’t trust him financially. That you were already aware that he is, at best, a mess financially, more likely it looks like he’s been using you to underpin his own financial risk taking without being honest about it, at worst he is deliberately and intentionally scamming you.

Do you trust him at all? Do you still want to be with him but just feel so totally embroiled in the financial mess you share that you can’t get away? Was your approaching Step Change a part of an attempt to try and disentangle yourself so you could pull away from the relationship?

He may have lost a lot of money in crypto, depending on when he bought. Bitcoin went down 60% in 2022, and the whole year in crypto was basically awful with loads of bankruptcies. Besides that there are always a number of ‘shitcoins’, basically scams, going bust.

You need to get him to agree to sit down and both be open

you explain what step change actually is and their recommendations- provide him with opportunity to come/ websites to read about it if it would help

he can explain how much cryptocurrency he invested , how much it’s worth now (if it’s more than he invested then I would get out now not risk loosing it!) and be open about it. You could negotiate leaving some of it in if you can afford to lose it if value were to deplete. Important thing is that as a couple you agree this together

if neither of these options he is willing to do together then it’s not much of a financial partnership and I would have to walk away

as others have said your earning potential is stronger than you realise but that makes no difference if your married to someone whose debt is going to continue to spiral out of control

He's a narc. Get out of that relationship otherwise your life is going to be miserable.

I think you need to to stand up to him and let him know it’s time to come clean. Tell him you want to see receipts for all crypto currencies, debts, business loans, bank accounts, gambling accounts - every single thing or you are going to see a solicitor and it will happen anyway.

Crypto isn't a scam but it is essentially gambling. Sounds like he's bought something he thinks is going up in the next 18 mths that will solve all your problems. It could, in the same way putting all your money on a horse could make you rich, but the chances are it won't.

Please do something with your degree if that's what you want, you've not been out that long!

Plus teaching japanese online means that you have been planning lessons, explaining things, working with different kinds of people, using modern software like zoom and presenting your lesson (presentation). You can't teach people a language unles you communicate very well. These are very useful skills to have!

As for the man, he's lying. You need to untangle yourself financially and clear your own debts.

I work in finance and fraud, but obv no knowledge of your individual circumstances.

Crypto isn't like a term deposit - he can't have crypto locked away for 18 months that he can't touch. He could have put money into crypto and be hoping in 18 months it'll have risen but that's very different to not being able to touch it.

One thing that springs to mind is an investment scam. I see people quite often who've been approached by a 'broker' (aka scammer) who will say they can help them invest in crypto. Victim transfers scammer money or buys that's sent to the scammer's wallet, and then the scammer keeps up the charade - sending them fake graphs telling them their investment has risen by X thousand, or encouraging them to invest more when the market is down. This goes on for months sometimes - if the victim wants to withdraw funds the broker will send them a little, enough to make them feel in control, but tell them it's best to leave the rest, or even that it can't all be withdrawn for Y period of time.

Something isn't right, and you know it. Your husband is lying to you, probably out of shake or guilt or fear.

For what it's worth, I've seen doctors caught up in these scams. Lawyers, scientists, even other insurance and finance pros. It's not that these people are gullible or stupid, they're just sucked in because the scammer's are that good.

He’s definitely hiding something from you and is reacting like this to keep you in your place where you are in the dark and keeping him afloat. He might be gambling or something, he’s certainly shaken up because he thinks you might find out what’s really going on. Wake up and be an adult. You have a real headache to face and the sooner the better.