DH being weird

[JelloHorse]

My DH an I are in about £20,000 worth of debt between various credit cards and loans.

We met when we were 18/19 and were both quite irresponsible with money. Unfortunately this has chased us into our early 30's. We've also had many family bereavements and situations which we've had to fork out for.

I'm self employed and unfortunately wasted my degree in order to help him out in his business. I now have zero relevant skills for the modern workplace. I teach Japanese online and make around £1500 per month (my mum was Japanese.) I was brought up in England and I'm bilingual. I don't know if any of this matters but I'm just trying to give the full story.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.

Your idea is a very sensible one, making you bankrupt is always their last option so don't worry about that. Your DH obviously has something to hide and fears you shining a light on all his bad debt, he may owe a lot more than you think. Please remember any debt accrued in a marriage is joint debt so you could end up paying for his mistakes too.
I'd crack on Op and get your finances in order regardless

crypto is a scam? Bold statement.
It's stupid, but not necessarily a scam

He has probably bought some crypto within the last year or so thinking he could make a quick buck. Crypto has crashed and and his investment has had about 80% wiped off the value of it. Sorted in a few months probably means he assumes it'll reach the heights of 2019 (ish) but it probably won't. FWIW we bought into the hype and spend a tidy sum on crypto around that time.
We could afford to lose it but it still sickens me that two finanancially savvy, well educated people got on the bandwagon. Crypto is a mugs game imho.

Anyway if i were you, I'd try and keep your finances separate and pay off your own debt. I know nothing about debt management charities but it sounds like a prudent step, even just for some advice.

I think he’s borrowed or staked money to invest in crypto and he’s worried that it’s about to be found out. You need to know the full picture of his debts and investments

Do you own a home? (I hope not).

It sounds like he's potentially up to all sorts of no good. Crypto is highly volatile and can't be predicted. Why 18 months? What money is he using fund his crypto habit?

You need to have serious "all cards on the table" conversation. What assets do you (both) have? What debt do you (both) have? Whose names are they in?

It sounds like he's not interested in getting out of debt in any legitimate and if that's the case he will always ruin you financially. Interesting that he says that you'll ruin everything by getting OUT of debt 🤔

You'd be best off divorcing and looking after your own interests. 20k is not insurmountable but I'd be worried you and/or he are down a lot more than that.

You have a degree, can teach and have a second language. You're in no way out of the running for a career.

The only institution who give everyone a consistent return on investment - right up he didn’t because he was caught out - was Madoff. He ran the largest Ponzi scheme in history.

It is statistically not possible to have risk free investments - of any kind. Crypto is higher risk than many (and it’s my personal view 99% of people don’t really understand it and it is in fact a Ponzi scheme) but that aside, nothing is guaranteed. You may have some upside from those investments, you may have lost the lot. Best he and you understand this and plan accordingly.

Your DH is the idiot, not you. Idiot is probably an understatement. My guess is that he bought heavily into crypto when it was being hyped and before it completely crashed last year. I’d assume that a) he is a lot more in debt than you know and b) is relying on his crypto investments to bounce back (hint: they won’t). He has probably lost a lot of money. You need to find a way to separate your finances from this disaster zone because you’re doing the right thing and DH is not.

My husband was with step change for years - not bankrupt and now it's all paid off we're in a much better financial position

Your situation sounds pretty shitty as it currently stands so what are ruining.

OP I also suggest that if you are a director of your husbands business you ensure you have full details of the business finances. If he’s borrowed money he could have taken it out of the business/tax account or he trading insolvently.

He's not that bright is he.

Many women have been ground down and made destitute by a man's pie in the sky bs.

I hope you don't have DC with him but I'd be separating yourself from him.

I went on a debt repayment plan with stepchange, you basically do a budget, send them the amount you can afford to pay off the debt and the split it between the creditors.
I paid it off two years ago and my credit score is now 920/1000.
The sooner you do it the better.

You’re in a debt spiral and the only way out - short of a lottery win is to make a repayment arrangement.

I used Stepchange a few years ago, they’re brilliant. Contacting them will not affect you at all, they are there to offer advice.

There are different options - it’s not all about bankruptcy. In my case they wrote to my creditors and froze the interest on the accounts - that’s the bit that keeps you in the spiral - and agreed a monthly repayment amount for what I owed.

I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy - you have to pay as much as your finances allow each month - and took me over 3 years to pay back, but I’m now debt free and having the weight off of my shoulders is amazing. Yes, my credit score is impacted but in some ways knowing that I can’t get easy credit is reassuring.

It sounds like you have had the “rock bottom” realisation that I did but he’s in denial. Can you split your debts from him or are they all joint? Whatever happens don’t take out new joint debt.

I’d call them again and get all your options laid out, don’t tell him if he’s going to make up nonsense. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. In this case, at the extreme, that might mean having to leave him for your own sake. Good luck OP x

My DH and I have money in cryptocurrency. It's gone down a lot from the peak in 2021. It's slowly going back up at the moment but any future predictions are all speculative. I couldn't confidently say it will peak again in 18 months time.

Where abouts are you based? There are Japanese companies in the U.K. where your language skills would be useful. I'm outside of London and know of 2 large Japanese companies within 40 minutes of where I live without having to search. They employ a lot of Japanese engineers and a language skill would be very useful for someone in an office based job. Organising travel and communicating with head office would be a breeze. I'd say it would even be worth speculatively sending a CV if you can find any Japanese companies near you.

There is a lot of misinformation on this thread about crypto, and this is one example.

You absolutely can have money locked up in crypto, there are a huge number of networks built on a proof of stake model which require you to lock up investments for a period of time - Google 'staking' - where various rewards are promised in return for your locked in stake. Given the state of the market it is not unlikely these will dwindle in value - op just ask what the investment is so you can research it and see how it is doing.

On this post in particular it is unhelpful to say 'I work in fraud and finance' as some way of credentualising oneself, then just spouting misinformation because of ignorance. Not cool

I never said that staking was impossible, I said it's impossible for OPs husband to have crypto that he can't touch for 18 months. I understand staking, and I've never seen anything that locks funds up for that long.

If you can point out somewhere that he might have done this, great, happy to be corrected.

Also, the return on staking isn't 20000% is it - 10% pa maybe more, but it's not making thousands appear out of nowhere.

Step Change is a fantastic idea. Yes it temporarily affects your credit rating but sounds like yours is shot anyway.
They get companies to freeze interest or agree an amount to be re-paid then you start repaying it.
that alone is the start of rebuilding your credit long term if you stick to the plan. Imagine the freedom you’ll have once it’s all paid.
as you a freelance - you’ll be able to make some extra money perhaps that’s not included in the repayment plans too, as they only take into consideration actual solid earnings when working out the plan.

It sounds as if your DH is hiding more debt to me. Sorry, but it does and you need to sit down with him.
Which Cryto has he ‘invested’ in? Even if it’s a genuine one that will be worth something again, you should sort out the debt you have now. If the cryto ship comes in then you’ll be in clover. But if not, are you going to be like this the rest of your adult life?

you can get a financial separation from DH if you find he’s in more debt - but either way, with him or divorced you need to deal with the debt.

well done, by the way, it’s not easy to take the first steps. My Dparents did this, and it changed their lives for the better. Tough though it was.

I’m no expert but a friend consolidated all her debts via a debt agency and it didn’t make her a bankrupt. That’s a legal process , I believe.
It sounds like your partner may have more debt you don’t know about and you ( or he) certainly can’t rely on cryptocurrency to get you out of debt in 18 months time.
Concentrate on your own debt, separate your finances completely and expand your earnings as much as you can. Maybe time to separate?

I think he has more debt that you don't know about. I would just ask him out straight and ask him to be honest as you are going to find out anyway.

You have debt and you are married to someone who is not being open and honest with you. These are separate problems, but the second is arguably the most urgent.

Your DH's reaction suggests he has more debts and/or does not want you to have full knowledge and control of your own financial affairs. Go ahead with Step Change, but be prepared for your marriage to unravel in the light.

It does not sound like this has ever been a healthy relationship for you, more a millstone around your neck. You are still young, and have educational, linguistic and cultural assets which are very much in demand. Imagine what your life could be, if your efforts and creativity were directed to your own goals instead of his!

oh, and you aren’t being paid enough for your language skills. We use Japanese’s translators who get paid 3 x what you do. If your Japanese is good enough for business use then you need to start looking to make more money. But I would get the step change programme sorted 1st.

you won’t be bankrupt. Bankrupt is not paying back what you owe.
this is freezing interest and paying back what’s already owed, or a negotiated amount of that.

OP you mention his business and previous business in your first post. What happened to the previous business - did it run into financial problems? Trading while insolvent is an offence so if he's got himself into a pickle that could be causing his meltdown if he's worried about being 'found out'. The crypto stuff is really worrying too, for all the reasons given by PP.

Obviously best if he tells you what is going on but if he won't you can and should still sort your own affairs out. You say you are trying to pay off The Debt which makes it sound like you are paying off his debt.

Get prepared:

• make a list of all the debts in your name or joint name
• check any joint name accounts with DH for any outgoings you don't recognise
• try to untangle your finances from his, make sure you have an account that he can't access
• speak to the charity about options for consolidation
• speak to a recruiter about job opportunities

You can do this!

Crypto is a scam and his reaction is odd. Best get your ducks in a row op Flowers

Crypto is NOT a scam.

OP - I've been in crypto since 2017. He's waiting for the next proper bull rull/bull market that's why he's said 18 months. Crypto isn't a safe bet for financial freedom though - you have to know what projects to get involved with and when. If you know what you're doing and do proper research the gains can be life changing.

run*