DH being weird

[JelloHorse]

My DH an I are in about £20,000 worth of debt between various credit cards and loans.

We met when we were 18/19 and were both quite irresponsible with money. Unfortunately this has chased us into our early 30's. We've also had many family bereavements and situations which we've had to fork out for.

I'm self employed and unfortunately wasted my degree in order to help him out in his business. I now have zero relevant skills for the modern workplace. I teach Japanese online and make around £1500 per month (my mum was Japanese.) I was brought up in England and I'm bilingual. I don't know if any of this matters but I'm just trying to give the full story.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.

He's an idiot
I spoke to my credit card company and long story it's with a debt collection company. I don't pay interest on it, and I pay an affordable amount per month
Yes it affects my credit testing but it was shit anyway. And I took a mortgage out with an adverse lender. Still have my home and my car, and definitely not bankrupt

Is he talking about when some charities may suggest the route of IVA if there is no alternative?

There is no harm at all in getting advice. You don't have to do anything you don't want to

Step change is a charity which provides free advice. They aren't going to report you to some banking authority - they are there to help.

You could call them anonymously whenever you want for impartial advice with no repercussion.

Japanese fluency is indeed extremely valuable. It would make it easier to get a job at a UK office for a Japanese company for instance - allowing an opportunity to retrain or try out a new career

I don’t really understand how you can waste a degree by helping someone out with their business, or how you can help with a business and not have any relevant workplace skills.

I don’t understand why your DH is such a numpty either.

Plenty of Japanese companies - tech and finance for example need Japanese speakers.

My husband went through Stepchange to consolidate debts years ago - his credit score is great now. Takes time to rebuild but it'll get there.

Well that's just nonsense. The smallest bit of research would tell him that!

Are you married?

I may be being very simplistic here OP, but if he refuses to discuss this situation with you, it would make me even more worried that he's still building up debts in some way. I would therefore tell him, short and sweet, 'either we discuss this and what we're going to do about it, OR, I divorce you and deal with my own debts, but I'm not going to carry on letting you bury your head in the sand, and take me with you!'

As far as work is concerned, as others have told you, there will be plenty of opportunities for you to use your language skills, together with any other skills you have picked up along the way, so if you do have to separate from him, in order to get your personal finances under control, you can be sure that you'll be able to earn a living.

However, the most important part of all this is to MAKE him disclose any debts you don't know about, and then ideally seek help together, but if he's not prepared to do this, then you would be foolish to continue along the route he's aiming to take.

GOOD LUCK!

I'd be checking both credit scores to make sure there aren't any debt you don't know about before I do anything else. He may be concealing something and going through stepchange will scupper any future debt at least.

Thank you all for taking the time time to leave me advice. I appreciate it.

I am worried that he has a lot more debt than he's told me about.

If you approach Stepchange, they would also help you to find out if he's taken out other loans and credit in your name.

He's going ballistic over you going somewhere that would give you that advice. Absolutely ballistic over it.

As though he has something to hide that you would find out if you went to them.

I've previously asked him about how much money he has in cryptocurrency and he tells me "enough" or that we'll be "sorted" in years to come.

I feel very lost and like I've been naive.

The problem with Cryptocurrency is that nobody knows how much they've got for the future, just what it's worth today. Will he tell you how much he invested?

He's an imbecile, and he's dragging you down with him. With your skill set I'd get into translation work and look to airlines and other big businesses.

Just to add, I am looking to buy my first home next year and the mortgage advisor got an agreement in principle for me quite easily, I'm just waiting to get a larger deposit for a smaller loan to value and have the bankruptcy drop off my file so I can get better rates.

Also it is the person that is made bankrupt or have defaults/ debt management plans not the couple, so if you were to come off any joint/ business accounts and then went through bankruptcy or a management plan, it wouldn't impact your husbands credit file.
Any kind of debt relief/ plan will stay on credit file for 6 years.

You're doing the right thing contacting stepchange.
They can liaise with your creditors on your behalf freeze interest and arrange an affordable payment plan
Your DH is burying his head in the sand and is avoiding reality
My guess is hiding something and that's why he's defensive

You are right to try to sort this out, he's being completely unreasonable in trying to prevent you moving forward with this. You are not an idiot, and if anyone is going to bankrupt him, it's likely to be him. He sounds like he's got a very light grasp on the reality of your situation, either that or he's desperately trying to fluster you and distract you from the truth.

Are you married OP?

Stepchange are a really good government supported organisation. They are not a commercial company that just buy your debts, they help you agree plans with your lenders. They will explain to you the impact of any repayment arrangements you make will have on your credit rating. Making a debt repayment arrangement is not the same as going bankrupt. Having debt impacts on your credit rating whether you have a repayment arrangement or not.

What is much more worrying is the possibility you are in a coercive relationship. You are fluent in Japanese, a hugely in demand skill. Who gave you the idea you aren't well qualified for the modern workforce? Your partner? Why does he get to decide what you do about your debt?

His reaction is irrational and indicates that something else is going on - quite possibly that he's in more debt than you know.

Are you married to him and do you co-own a house? I think you need to have a real think about whether it's time to start afresh.

That's because he has no idea and no guarantees

The thing is experts say that you should only have up to 5% of your portfolio in cryptocurrency

I'm assuming with 20k debt you have little to no savings (no judgement just guessing) which would mean he has 100% of your portfolio in an incredibly risky investment

Unless it can guarantee to pay back his investment at a higher rate than the interest on your debts he is losing money

With the right cryptocurrency at the right time and the right amount he might. but (apologies for my bluntness) this is something experienced knowledgeable financial investors fail at, and your dh is not one of those. The only way he wins at this is pure luck, in someone financially unsavvys hands it's more akin to gambling at Vegas than investing your money

And a fair number of crypto firms started 2023 with layoffs

You really need to understand the level of his investments and debts. And then you need to decide how far you are willing to go into debt with him because unless he also changes his attitude you could be dragging his debt behind you for years

He's lying and hiding something. X

Sounds like he's panicking about you finding something else out.

Iv been in a similar situation. He never grew out of it. I paid of his debt he told me he had so we could get on the property ladder... Lo and behold he had even more debt. He didn't care.

Well done for making steps to get it sorted. Sounds like you might be on your own with it.

What is much more worrying is the possibility you are in a coercive relationship. You are fluent in Japanese, a hugely in demand skill. Who gave you the idea you aren't well qualified for the modern workforce? Your partner? Why does he get to decide what you do about your debt?

His reaction is irrational and indicates that something else is going on - quite possibly that he's in more debt than you know

These are my thoughts too...

There are a few worrying things here.

His reaction is completely illogical, stepchamge give confidential advice, you dont actually have to follow it.

He called you an idiot and stormed off over something sensible. Even if youd had a crazy idea, that's still really mean.

You are married but he won't give you straight answers about finances.

He seems to be making continued poor financial decisions that will affect your future, without involving you.

Have you ever sat down and worked out how much you repaid based o what the original debt was and when you should have paid it off? Do you fully share finances? When did he invest in the crypto and did you agree to it? It sounds like someone who thinks they're going to get out of gambling debt through more gambling

Honestly this is so important I would consider leaving if he doesnt sit down with you and give you 100% full disclosure. He needs to write off the crypto and come up with a plan b that you sign off on.

Credit arrangements not done via an iva etc are not recorded in tge same way bankruptcy or ivas are recorded so won't affect chances of living elsewhere in the future. Google it all show him. He can't then deny anything. The crypto stuff is a scam, he's been ripped off :(

Make the arrangements via charity, do not enter into an IVA or bankruptcy but get everything sorted in one go. In a few years you'll be over it all and honestly you'll be much better at managung the money. Also it doesn't sound like he's paying anything off....

Really sorry there are no get rich quick schemes some people get lucky.

Finally ref your employment, you still have your degree, your business gives you skills you are unaware of - marketing, time management, administration, business management, financial management etc. You could get another job if you want. You may be able to teach in addition until you earn enough to drop the language school. Also have you thought about providing tutorials via YouTube? You need to build up your audience, but if you're already earning £1500pcm, you must be good!

Good luck!

By telling you that you will be made to declare bankruptcy if you seek Stepchange's advice is alarming. It sounds like he's threatening you to not say anything to anyone 'official' in case his financial mess becomes apparent.

I think you need to start to extricate yourself from this as best you can.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I haven’t read all the posts on this thread but I’ve read all of @JelloHorse‘s posts. I used to be in a relationship with someone when I was younger and he broke my spirit quite badly. I thought I was worth nothing in any way. It sounds like he may have done this to you? You’re definitely going to be able to get a great job with your skills. I think your husband sounds like he thinks he’s the boss of you and he’s very controlling. Definitely reconsider the entire relationship.