DH being weird

[JelloHorse]

My DH an I are in about £20,000 worth of debt between various credit cards and loans.

We met when we were 18/19 and were both quite irresponsible with money. Unfortunately this has chased us into our early 30's. We've also had many family bereavements and situations which we've had to fork out for.

I'm self employed and unfortunately wasted my degree in order to help him out in his business. I now have zero relevant skills for the modern workplace. I teach Japanese online and make around £1500 per month (my mum was Japanese.) I was brought up in England and I'm bilingual. I don't know if any of this matters but I'm just trying to give the full story.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.

We don't know if OP's dh has actually bought bitcoin/another real cryptocurrency or if he's been scammed by the next Ruja Ignatova. Bitcoin is risky but legit, but there are also real scammers about.

Considering that they were already in debt when he paid for whatever it is, I agree with the above poster who said he sounds gullible enough to have been scammed.

More importantly, though, he's taken money that could have paid off part of his and OP's shared debt, and secretly spent it on what is at the lvery least a risky scheme.

i know this isn’t the point of your post. With your language skills and experience running a business have you looked at roles with a translation/ localisation company? You maybe well suited to Project Management etc

well done for trying to sort the debt!
your husband is being a twonk.

His reaction is a stress reaction. I suspect there's more debt, than you know about. Go to the CAB and get advice on how to pay back your creditors. If any of the debt that is not in your name, then don't take in on. Married or not.

Plus, find on the martin lewis forum a form, which you can work out in full all your outgoings.
He needs to know that he's not going to make it big by gambling with money.

This.

He's a liar who is prepared to drag you down with him.

You have made a lot of poor choices and you need to cop yourself on big time or you have a life of poverty and stress ahead of you.

He's a moron and you have no idea how much shit he is prepared to drag you down with.

If you have an ounce of sense or a drop of self preservation, stip asking him for information when he is only lying to you.

Get a credit check done on him.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

Start looking at moving out and divorce him.

You will never have a good life with a liar like him.

You need to grow up, cop yourself on, and start making better life decisions.

Apologies for the harsh tone but poverty is not fun as you age, start organising yourself to get on a better path.

Think all the crypto discussion here is a red herring- even the keenest crypto investor knows that crypto is volatile and not a reliable way to get out of debt. If the husband has got into more debt to buy crypto that is super high risk behaviour; doing so secretly and keeping it from OP even more so- this is the behaviour of a problem gambler not an investor. And I say that as someone who holds bitcoin and eth.

You are doing the right thing, OP. I'd definitely want your husband to put his financial cards on the table as until you know what you're dealing with it's hard to move forwards.

He said if I get any financial help it will equate to bankruptcy.

you weirdly have to pay to go bankrupted step change aren't going to pay for you or anyone else to go bankrupt. www.stepchange.org/debt-info/how-debt-management-plans-work.aspx step change is a charity that helps people pay off debt

It’s hard to believe that he has assets in cryptocurrencies that are tied up for eighteen months.

Nearly impossible to believe, really. If they do exist he should be able to show you the actual accounts, transactions and values, and the terms and conditions that stop him accessing them earlier.

It’s much more likely he’s borrowed more money, gambled it away on crypto, and is just desperately hoping that he somehow wins it back by then.

He's being opaque because he knows he's made another bad decision.

I would ask him for the details and don't allow him to fob you off. You need to know what you're dealing with.

There's something else going on here otherwise he wouldn't be reacting like this.
He's telling you lies about Stepchange. It doesn't make you "bankrupt for life".

Who told you that you don't have skills relevant to the modern workforce?
What's your degree in?
You are bilingual English/Japanese and you've been teaching Japanese for several years, so there is NO WAY that these skills could not be put to good use in the workplace.
If you want something more stable than teaching Japanese online then see if anywhere is looking for Japanese teachers. Also see if you can get into translation.
I am fluent in another language and I do a lot of freelance translation which brings in a lot of money in addition to the teaching I do.

I would suggest you ring Stepchange again and ask him about the points lies he has raised.
Also ring women's aid for some advice on the whole situation.
And start securing your future immediately by looking at the work situation.

You’re doing the right thing trying to get your debts settled once and for all. I am not sure what your DH is hiding - he could be in more debt, been scammed or just stressed with the whole situation. Either way - you need to get yourself out of debt.

I wasn’t in as much debt as you (about half) but I did contact stepchange as I was very silly with money in my late teens and early 20’s. With their help and consolidation of debt I’m now almost 30 and have an excellent credit score. Yes it was hard at first with creditors contacting me for a good 6 months or so and my credit score dipped from poor to basically horrific but it’s now 999.

I would sit down with your DH and say without judgement he has this chat and this chat only to be open and honest - even if he is actually in 50K of debt. But you need to get it sorted once and for all. It is natural for him to panic about the business but stepchange you call tell them this.

Personally, I would worry about being dragged down and being in debt for the next 20 years if I was you if you and DH do nothing about this.

I would concentrate on you and what you want not just financially

Do you want children, a house, what holidays do you want each year etc

In a way forget about Dh

Dh seems to have forgotten about you and seems to be working through things on his own anyway.

Look around at how you can use the skills you have.
Loads of people don’t “use” their degree but it doesn’t mean it disappears.

Look for better paying jobs which do use you language skills. Or freelance/self employed work like private lessons, police translator, working in hospitality for big events, stacking shelves or bar work. Or a few or all of the above.
Anything you can sell on EBay, FBMP etc to raise money.

I would write down all your debts, the smallest to biggest.
The highest to lowest interest rates. The sensible thing is to tackle the highest interest rate debt first but I tend to tackle the smallest debt as paying it off is quicker and I look like I am achieving things more easily

Look at all of your outgoings. Are you getting the best deal on your utilities, insurance etc. Look at where you are spending money and can any of it be cut down.
Dh is useless with money. I set up access to dh’s credit file to see for myself how he was doing.

He's completely wrong @JelloHorse .

I can only think he doesn't want to feel inferior due to you paying off your debts before him.

But you're doing the right thing.

It sounds like he has shut you out financially... you have a right to know about his crypto and all his debts, seeing as they affect you. I suspect that is why he has been shutting you down whenever you approach it with him. He sounds like a bully really.

This makes me think if you engaged with Stepchange and they went in to credit checks and things there may be more debt in your name or both your names that you don't know about.

If you really have "no skills for the modern workplace" there must be some way of rectifying that.

People go back to the workplace/change jobs/careers all the time!

Do you want to use your degree or build up your language business?

What is his business that you helped him with?

I would be extremely worried about what he is hiding from you here.

Obviously everybody knows that “phoning Stepchange” is not the same as “declaring bankruptcy for the rest of your life”, and the fact that he is trying to convince you that it is means he is either as thick as a brick (in which case got knows what cryptocurrency scams he’s been lured into), or he is actively trying to stop you looking into his finances (in which case god knows what cryptocurrency scams he’s been lured into).

I’d want to look at his bank statements and credit report before the weekend, and I’d seriously consider moving out if he won’t show you. He is behaving in an incredibly shifty manner here, and what he does with his money has a direct effect on you.

Do you have kids? Because if not, I wonder what is keeping you with this man, who clearly isn't being honest with you.

Hes wrong. And he is lying about step change and bankruptcy. But why? What is he scared you will uncover?

Kindly, get out now before you are tied to a man who wont talk finances and deliberately evades you with answers like "enough". You dont want to marry or have kids with this man. God knows how miserable maternity leave would be wondering if he had paid the Bill's or squandered it on vague "investments" that he wont disclose.

Ask an accountant or other expert.

Then examine his reaction.

His reactions and gas lighting is def making me and others think there is something he is not telling you.

Getting him to do a credit report will be useful but I doubt he will as he has somwthing to hide.

OP your bilingual skills are very relevant to the modern workplace - the great news is that there really are not so many people out there who are fluent in English and Japanese and who know how to bridge the two cultures. The teaching of English in Japan continues to be quite poor, and while many British people have a go at learning Japanese not many people get that far, and that creates great benefits for people in your position. There are lots of vacancies on UK job boards for people who are fluent in both. Have you thought about teaching English to Japanese people as well - there could be a nice niche for you. When it comes to your CV, you have helped your H with his business and you’ve had to develop various skills in order to win and keep customers for your online teaching. So don’t tell yourself you have no skills! With regard to evidencing your Japanese language skills, if you haven’t studied it formally it may be worth taking one of the recognised qualifications yourself - but don’t assume that this will be needed.

And yes, he’s either very incompetent and ignorant or he’s lying, what a ridiculous thing to say about Step Change!

It’s hard to believe that he has assets in cryptocurrencies that are tied up for eighteen months.

He could be staking them, which means you do lock up your assets for a certain amount of time to gain yield. It's hard to withdraw without paying a penalty, or losing them completely.

Yes, but eighteen months would be incredibly unusual.

Can you think of any legitimate services that have an eighteen month-plus lock-in in crypto?

Yes, Hex. You can lock up for fifteen years.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.
Well done. Stepchange really know their stuff, & will help you without judgement.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).
He;s hiding something from you.

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.
😂😂😂

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.
Time to get back to Stepchange & sort out what debt belongs to you, what belongs to H, & address only YOUR responsibilities from now on.
Make sure you run a thorough credit check against your name to ensure H hasn't taken out anything in your name, forged your signature etc.