DH being weird

[JelloHorse]

My DH an I are in about £20,000 worth of debt between various credit cards and loans.

We met when we were 18/19 and were both quite irresponsible with money. Unfortunately this has chased us into our early 30's. We've also had many family bereavements and situations which we've had to fork out for.

I'm self employed and unfortunately wasted my degree in order to help him out in his business. I now have zero relevant skills for the modern workplace. I teach Japanese online and make around £1500 per month (my mum was Japanese.) I was brought up in England and I'm bilingual. I don't know if any of this matters but I'm just trying to give the full story.

I spoke to a debt charity today (stepchange) about consolidating my debt into a monthly payment.

My DH went crazy, talking about things that could affect us from the previous business, well be chased by creditors etc, we'll never be able to live in America (we've never even been to the US or considered living there).

He apparently has some cryptocurrencies that he can't touch for 18 months. But, as soon as the 18 months are over everything will be fine and I don't have to worry.

I'm not an idiot, but I don't really know much about crypto. He's now stormed off to bed and told me I'm an idiot.

The crypto market has crashed and spectacularly shat the bed. That bubble has burst. If he's hoping that whatever he's put into crypto will recover its original value, let alone gain in value, then he's lying to himself and you.

Speak to Stepchange about your own situation, And see if you can unpick your finances and your debts from his. I will never understand why people cling to the notion that marriage should mean a total merging of finances. It's an outdated notion and creates situations like this. Even worse if business debts are now muddled into the relationship finances.

You have far more employable skills than you realise. Get some advice on your options, potentially in employment but also how you can get the most from your existing online teaching business.

with your language skills you could get some great jobs, it will just take some perseverance and a little time to get yourself established. Sounds like he probably has more debt that you don’t know about. And crypto is a massive scam. Get all the support you can to consolidate and pay off your debt and work towards financial independence asap.

@JelloHorse

You have obviously matured emotionally about financial matters than your husband has,

I think you did the right ✅️ thing starting to address sort out your debts issues .
It's Surprising how quick time goes, and in a few brief years your debts will have been sorted out.
I do think you need to ensure. you 100 per cent have separate bank accounts from your husband, as he definitely will drag you back into even deeper debt issues.

The crypto market has crashed and spectacularly shat the bed. That bubble has burst. If he's hoping that whatever he's put into crypto will recover its original value, let alone gain in value, then he's lying to himself and you.

Not true. There are many coins that have "died" over and over again, and go on to make new all time highs.

And crypto is a massive scam

Another one talking out their arse. I wonder how many posters on here have actually been involved in crypto or done any research into it?!

OP - Think of it this way.

You have suggested a very reasonable and valid suggestion in order to help consolidate your debt, pay it off and improve your credit ratings.

He is saying you cannot do this, as he has a "better" option. If he wants to go ahead with his suggested option of relying on his apparent crypto investments and that you need to just give it 18 months of waiting around to be financially secure, he's going to have to show you the proof. He needs to sit down and show you the figures regarding these investments, how much he's spent on them and actual information on the fact that these investments are expected to rise. He's likely hoping that if he does have crypto investments, they'll rise like they did in 2019 but that isn't likely to happen again according to the predictions I've seen.

With his reactions the way you say they have been, I think it's unlikely he will do this. Whether or not he's got crypto investments (which are now a pretty poor investment) or not, he's hiding something. Whether it be more debt, higher spending, other credit cards/loans etc I'm not sure, but his behaviour really does indicate that he's keeping something from you that going to Stepchange will reveal.

Without solid, absolute proof that his plan is better for YOU financially, not him, YOU, then you should go to Stepchange. He is lying about the fact they'll bankrupt you, they do the opposite, they're a charity to help you pay your debts. They're fantastic and will help you improve your credit rating too. They do, however, require full disclosure of all debts and loans etc which is why I think this reaction from your DH is so extreme - you'll likely find something he doesn't want you to see.

@JelloHorse

Also don't worry about getting left behind in your career aspirations achievements goals,

as you can do Access courses for mature students , don't let that word mature student put you off,
as age is no barrier getting on these courses along as you have left school,
Access courses are for anybody who wants a second chance at bettering themselves, it gives you the opportunity to achieve so many credits via doing so many assignments ect over between year or two years depending on what Access course you choose ,
There's quite wide range of Access courses to choose from , (they might have added more on now,
they are very popular courses for obvious reasons,
also just to help you give some confidence and to know what to expect on these courses,
they have foundation level entry Access course too ,so potential students who want to do the other Access courses, have the opportunity to lay the ground work so to speak ect , before doing the main courses,
so students don't feel out of their depth, ect

Also have you thought about Open university taster courses they have lots of interesting brief courses like this,
Obviously if you enjoy learning whatever subjects of this curriculum,
You can learn at even more advanced level

You are young and have plenty of time to learn start afresh,

You /we never stop learning until we die...

Reading between the lines your Dh sounds like he has more than you can afford which would appear to be nothing in Crypto.
You need an honest heart to heart on what you have in debt / crypto and i would agree with you about consolidating everything to have one payment.
I am sure if you miss a payment to a debt its costly and this could happen when you have many to service.

The freaking out comes across as having something to hide I am sorry to say. And the 'we won't be able to live in a country we have never desired to ' deflective.

You need honesty otherwise you need to reconsider whether this is something you want to continue with.

With regards your own skill set, I Ireland, they are teaching Japanese at 2nd level and they also have Japanese translators at different business companies for the Japanese engineers. So you may have some untapped opportunities there.

Keep believing...

What crypto investments does he have OP?

Not all crypto has been scammers - I've made money from it myself - but no crypto has a guaranteed return: when you buy it, you might just lose it. It's like betting on a horse (that may or may not even be a real horse).

Your dh is taking money and doing secret things with it that could affect you. He's not on your side. You need to stop telling him what you are doing and move towards securing your own finances and making sure you are not tied to his.

You're worried about leaving him and setting up on your own, but it sounds like staying with him is more risky tbh. Get some help, and remember that his opinions come with an agenda. You can do it.

As for his Crypto - of course people are making money out of crypto but it’s also one of the most common scams now, fooling people into buying fake or worthless crypto and given the situation that your in, and the fact your DH seems unable to deal with the reality of the situation I’m not sure I would trust that he has made any smart decisions on this either.
From what you’ve posted he seems like EXACTLY the kind of guy to fall for a crypto scam, a ponzu scheme or a fake get rich quick con.

you need to sit him down and find out what he’s talking about, why and how he thinks it will pay, home MUCH it will pay, and why he thinks that addressing debts in the meantime is a bad idea.

The crypto thing is a bit of a red herring. I've made decent money from Bitcoin but it's exceedingly volatile and too many people jump into it without carrying out the proper research.

I agree it sounds as though he's got himself into more trouble than he's willing to admit. Don't let yourself get dragged down OP.

That was my instant impression….
For your DH to react so strongly, he’s got to have a lot of other debts he’s hiding from you.
I would start to think about getting out of your marriage. This guy isn’t doing you any favours…
Do you own your house? Think about your own assets, and consider taking some legal advice.

As his wife, you have a right to know how much he has and for him to be transparent about it. It’s very likely that he lost a lot of money in crypto last Spring/Summer after the crash of LUNA which made the entire market take a tumble. There are few to none that got out of that one unscathed, but of course the ones who held the majority of their portfolio in LUNA had it the worst.

He is most likely predicting that the crypto that he has invested in will recover in 18 months, and is likely being cagey because he doesn’t want you to realise how much he lost. For some people it was a life-changing amount of money lost (hundreds of thousands up to billions of pounds lost).

I agree with you that it is much more sensible to address the debt now rather than waiting to see if the market will recover. If he does see decent profits from crypto again, then great, but if he doesn’t then you both would’ve already started to address the problem.

As others have said, there are plenty of skills that you would’ve picked up from working in a small business. I personally wouldn’t start looking at becoming an employee as you already have a very viable business that you can build upon.

Perhaps go online and start following YouTuber channels that give advice about how to make your current business more profitable I.e. taking on linguists to your online school whose work you take a commission of and/or teaching groups of people rather than individuals in order to make more money in a short amount of time, how to use Google ads and SEO to drive more traffic to your website etc. There is plenty of money to be made in languages and Japanese is a popular language - you clearly have the aptitude as a teacher. You could also teach Japanese people English.

It might be helpful to grab an entry-level part-time role in a Japanese company just for the networking opportunities.

You need to get DH to sit down and put together an entirely honest account of your finances.

Crypto is an investment, any investment is something that can go down the pan, you should only invest what you can afford to lose. And Crypto is a high risk investment so it's all the more important. You could work out a budget and have a small amount of spare money for spending, if he chooses to invest that then that's for him to decide. But bills, debts, living costs come first.

If he's not willing to be straight with you then you won't manage to get out of debt.

I’m thinking he’s borrowed more money and given it to a crypto scammer. There is no way to predict value in 18 months. The fact he won’t tell you how much tells me he’s done something incredibly stupid.

the main issue apart from the unknown debt is he is financially illiterate, gullible, secretive and dishonest. He’s lying now to cover up what he’s done in secret. He clearly thinks it’s so bad he will be declared bankrupt

Your only priority here is self preservation. Don't let him take you down with him.

OP - ask him if he has any money on FTX and gage his reaction. FTX is a large crypto exchange that went bankrupt back in November.

Tulips
East India Shares
Compagnie du Mississippi
South Sea Company
The Darien scheme

... over, and over, and over again.

Yes, some people make a lot of money. But overall, a market with no inherent value will collapse. Crypto and blockchain are complex technical solutions still looking for a valid problem. Genuine use cases are very niche.

OP, Cryptocurrency is basically gambling.

There's a reason why we don't all 'invest' in it for our financial futures. Because it's not secure and it's not predictable. It's no different to playing the lottery and you would be well advised to invest no more than you can afford to lose.

Your situation doesn't sound good. I would recommend you go to Citizen's Advice on your own and talk to someone there about what's going on and your options. They are very supportive, non-judgemental and won't pressure you into anything, but will give you information.

They also have a helpline on 0808 223 1133.

Also any one storing their crypto with these places need to remove and store in a ledger wallet. Because a fair amount just kept their money stored with these places ,and when they went bust they found that they could not remove their money.

I’m no crypto expert but if he’s invested in Bitcoin, the 18month wait could be related to the next halving which is due 2024 and judging by the performance over the past 12 years, the halving usually creates a price peak in the months after.

So technically he could sell now, but the price is low and he’d either lose money or not have enough to pay off the debt.

I don’t see the harm in you making monthly payments now and if he ever does make a profit from bitcoin then he can always pay the debt off at that point anyway.

I would want to know why if he is so worried about bankruptcy and debt, if he had money to invest in crypto currency then why didn’t he use it to pay off debt. The monthly interest you would Dave is a guaranteed return.
How much did he put into crypto and why can’t he cash it in for 18 months. That I think is a scam.
I could sell you a Bit coin for £20,000 and in 18 months I will sell it for you.
I don’t actually have a Bit coin to sell but if the market in 18 months means it is only worth £2000 I just return £2000 to you and pocket the other £18k

If the market rebounds and a Bit coin is worth £40,000 you won’t see me for dust