Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

I'm a borrower and a returner. I think what PP said about a WhatsApp group is right - it's a general ask so people aren't put on the spot. If people don't reply it's assumed they either don't have or don't want to lend but more often than not someone will.

I think it makes sense to lend and borrow things you use very rarely or literally only need as a one off or when it's too late to do anything - it's 6pm and you forgot its dinosaur dress up day tomorrow.

Haven't read the caravan thread but I would only lend that if I offered it to someone and they were a v close friend.

It's ask vs guess culture.

"Askers believe that it’s okay to ask for anything but (usually) understand that the answer could be no. Yes, there can be feelings of rejection, disappointment, etc., but the Asker anticipates those possibilities. Askers are (usually) also able and willing to say no when someone asks them a question. This could be for a number of reasons that range from not wanting to do something or being too busy to setting boundaries to avoid toxic situations. For Askers, the “no” is easier to hear and say.

To a Guesser, Askers may seem rude or invasive because Guessers would never put someone in the position of having to say no. Why would you make someone feel bad if they couldn’t do the thing you needed or wanted?! Instead, Guessers rely on subtlety and context clues to get what they want by waiting for someone to offer what they are looking for rather than just asking. To an Asker, Guessers may seem passive aggressive or incomprehensible.

I'm definitely not an Asker. To me, asking something of someone is putting them on the spot and rude. If a near stranger asks me in a group chat 'hey, you're going to event, can I catch a lift?' to me that's incredibly rude. If they're after a lift they should state to the general audience they can't get there unless anyone wants to lift share, and then anyone who wants to help can offer. But to me, asking is cheeky and presumptuous. Obviously some people don't feel that way, they think 'asking is fine, they can always say no if they don't want to'.

I find people asking for stuff / favours really odd.

I used to know someone who did this with childcare during the holidays - she’d turn up at the school gates with a list of dates she needed covering and she’d walk round speaking to everyone asking what dates they could do. Not a “please I’m really struggling can you help” but more of a “these are the dates I need help with, which ones can you cover?” - and more mug me I’d and others would often do them! 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ So maybe it does work 😳😆

The nice thing about neighbourhood WhatsApp groups is that because you're putting out a general request no one is obliged to offer unless they genuinely want to. We borrow and lend stuff all the time and pass on things we no longer need - it builds up little relationships of trust which might come in useful in a crisis.

The one thing that always baffles me is the number of people who borrow stepladders. Surely that's a household essential? The people who borrow them aren't the really broke ones. But it's no skin off my nose, and for the sake of ten seconds work getting it out and taking it to my front door I'm always happy to oblige.

I'm a borrower and a lender.

As a society we are drowning in stuff. It's shit for the planet for everyone to own their own personal XYZ only for it to sit unused most of the time.

I think we all need to adapt to a more circular economy where items remain in circulation and use- reducing everyone's environmental impact.

Sometimes I'll lose out a little (stuff being damaged or not returned is annoying) but to me the benefits far outweigh this.

I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself

If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

Why is it embarrassing for though? Why is it better to go without?
I’ve been lent things from friends, it makes no sense for everyone to buy and store a bulky baby bath for example.
I have a friend who is great with tools and if we’re in the middle of something he will lend us a charger or blade or something as it’s quicker than driving to the hardware shop.

I will also lend friends nice items I’m not using, a ski jacket for a trip, lawnmowers while there’s is broken, baby carrier etc.
It’s a nice circle.
I also ask favours from friends and am freely generous doing favours for people when they need to.

I don’t see why it’s embarrassing.
If anything to me it’s the definition of ‘community’.

Well, then your "friend" isn't borrowing, she's stealing. That's probably part of why she's rich, other people are funding her lifestyle. I wonder if you sent her a list of everything you want back, if she's still be your "friend"?

Thank you for reminding me, I need to return a thermos flask I borrowed this weekend.

I lent my thermos to a friend. Forgot she had it. Looked in the cupboard for it this weekend, remembered why it wasn't there and had to borrow one from a neighbour.

I don't think I borrow things but my mil does buy a lot of books to read and pass them on to me. She won't take them back so I pass them on to my sister who reads a lot by same authors. I might occasionally read one buy mostly don't have time.

I am lucky to have a second house in Brittany, France and I let family and close friends stay in it when we're not there. It seems a waste for it to be empty so much. All I ask is that they wash and dry sheets and remake bed with clean bedding before leaving and empty rubbish.

You see, I find the “of course I can ask” mentality really selfish and entitled. I’ve learned to be pretty good at saying “no”, but I think less of the “no harm in asking” brigade, especially as I know for a fact that so many people do find it hard to refuse. And I think “askers” know that too and deliberately play on it. (Different of course if it’s a long standing friendship/reciprocal arrangement. But in general, absolutely not.)

My father lives in a village. A neighbour bought a laminator. There was communal joy that now the village could laminate things and that neighbour has had a troop of people pop round saying "would you mind if I quickly used it".
The village hall's notice board has never before been so neat.

My adult DS has borrowed DH tools a few times since he bought his own house last year. It's a bit of a joke as DH has tools for virtually everything but never uses them anymore he is so busy at work he pays someone to come and do our jobs as he's got older.

Same here. I borrow and lend freely with neighbours, friends and family. No real issues. We house sit, fix things, share and it’s pretty equal. No fall outs of note over the years

I have a friend who is a chronic borrower and it massively gets on my tits.

its never the one-off stuff either. One classic was asking if she could have my very expensive buggy for her new baby as soon as my DD learned to walk!!

borrow a hedge trimmer? ladders? Fair enough…but anything you’re actually using for an extended period or time? Just buy it yourself!

Rich people are the worst for this because they don't register that it would be missed.

I had a wealthy friend at uni who would forget her wallet and never pay me back for her lunch. £5 was absolutely nothing to her- but a big deal to me!

I just tell people now - 'I'll take my X back when I see you Sunday' it doesn't need to be awkward.

I've just borrowed a long ladder off a friend to chop down a bush that's gone crazy and has broken the drain pipe in the process. It would be silly to go any buy a long ladder for 1 job and then leave it unused in the garage after that when I have a friend who has one for their work.

We borrowed it, used it and returned it the same afternoon, when it was convenient for them and they didn't need it.

We have a street WhatsApp it’s great. Usually for one off things like wall paper strippers or teens home ec ingredients who wants to go to the shop half a mile away for 3 mushrooms

I try not to borrow things unless it's a one off thing I need, if it is multi use then I will buy the stuff I need.

I used to loan stuff to friends but found it was either not being returned or damaged when I get it back. one friend who is always looking to borrow certain tools every year calls and says I need your buffer tomorrow which usually means all the compounds together with a mop headsets and gets offended if I'm using it. same guy asks to borrow my motorcycle as well. its a firm no now as it is not reciprocated

I think borrowing promotes a sense of community and bond (provided it’s always returned). It just shows other peaople will help you out and vice Versa. My neighbours often borrow little things from me but then will return the favour in some obscure way, like seeing I’m gardening with a knife and bringing out some niche tool that does everything for me to use instead.

What a lovely thread this turned into!

I moved to a small village a few years ago and was handed down a warm brightly striped coat for my DD. I had a couple of comments at the school gate that she was wearing the "XX Village Coat" - because it had been handed down so many times! Passed it on when she outgrew it - it's probably still going strong

Friendly Exchange and the implicit future social obligations of it are also what creates community.

This is part of our evolutionary heritage and contributed greatly to our success.

"Human Cooperation: The Hunter-Gatherer Puzzle"
www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0960982218310509

I accept gracefully my neighbour's offer of surplus strawberries after he visits a farm and he knocks on our door to borrow tools, and offers us to borrow theirs. They have picked our kids up from school in emergencies. We have a very good relationship.

My neighbour where I lived previously, sometimes knocked and asked for an onion, I didn't mind, I always gave her one if I had one to spare, she often knocked again to bring one back at a later stage, I told her she didn't have to bother, what's an onion between neighbours!

I'm certainly a sharer - so I borrow and lend amongst friends, family and neighbours- would be weird not to. That said, there is an expectation of reciprocity and not being a cf.

No - I'm not and I hate lending things too - particularly as I was raised with 'never lend anything you're not prepared to lose'. I have a friend who is always wanting to borrow things - particularly my books - and it drives me mad!

You've been on mumsnet too long!