Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

[coodawoodashooda]

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

I've borrowed a ton opener and bottle opener from my next door neighbour and she has borrowed our hoover and my straightening irons once. That's the extent of it.

I can imagine the sugar / egg / milk one if you are rural and no shops around. We live 5 mins from a Tesco express!

Absolutely people get all annoyed at the cheek of being asked something but can’t say no .
It’s your issue that you aren’t assertive enough perhaps if people were they wouldn’t be constantly asking for stuff all the time .

In my local friendship group of ‘partners’ of my DP’s friends we go out every so often for drinks or coffee or take kids out to play centres. Not in each other pockets but a bit of a local network as we are all from out the area. Everyone has their own friends as well. There is one in the group who is the ‘borrower’ in her case she comes from a wealthy background but is just very very careful with money, if it can be borrowed she will borrow it instead of buy its to save money at all costs really I think, she’s not cheeky with it but quite up front and will just ask and most people just say yes as why not I suppose. Things like asking on our group chat does anyone have or know anyone handing down boys clothes age 18-24months as her son needs bigger clothes and she’d rather do hand me down than buy. Or asking on Facebook is anyone good at baking snd fancies making her sons bday cake. Or asking on local Facebook group is anyone gifting decorations for a birthday party etc. She won’t buy anything before trying to source first. Probs why she has more money than me

I don’t mind lending tools to my neighbours (they come back promptly and in good shape) but I never lend food or borrow it. Not a fan of doing that, especially when the shops are so near.

I also don’t lend money either, not even to family (I’ve been burnt there). Never borrowed any either.

I think OP is talking about persistent borrowers, not the occasional egg.

I have a friend who asks to borrow something on FB almost every day. It puzzles me. Doesn't affect me as I live 100s of miles away but I do find it a bit much. So I get you OP!

OP I’m with you. Borrowing seems like way too much hassle, I prefer to have my own things or go without/improvise. I will lend things out though but have a fear of breaking/damaging things that belong to other people so the thought of borrowing just fills me with anxiety! I also hate feeling indebted to others. I wish I could be more community minded like a lot of the PP’s!

My street's what's app came into it's own during lockdown.

Lots of trading and sharing of food etc-ppl offering things from their allotments, random things from veg boxes etc. People post asking to borrow parking permits and often ppl post offering bits of household stuff/random furniture before they go to the tip or put on marketplace.

When my DS car battery was flat and wouldn't jump my neighbour was out like a flash with his super jumpy thing.

Think what's app makes it more neutral to ask or offer-it's not F2F.

But I do have one neighbour that is a borrower-of time and things and I have learned lesson now...

I’m not a borrower, but I’m not ashamed to ask outright for something I might need, that someone might not want. I’m not about to ask for sugar or teabags or things that everybody uses, but I ask for egg shells and coffee grounds for my garden, jam jars, cardboard. I give away so much stuff too - eggs, vegetables, seeds. To my mind that is what community is about. If I want to borrow a garden tool etc, I would ask, and be happy to lend my stuff. Some people I would ask and others not.

Just been on Facebook and someone I use to work with us asking to borrow a bike for bikeability next week for her daughter!!! Surely if she doesn’t already have one she won’t be able to ride it ?!

I am a borrower - but always a returner and not consumables. This is very common in my social circle.

People are always borrowing fancy dress for school events, waterproofs for D of E events. We had our kitchen redone recently and a friend loaned me her little two ring portable induction hob so I could cook, another friend has currently got our stepladders for a DIY job she's doing.

I always get things back, it;s not an issue and saves waste.

I've never been a borrower. I was refused last time I asked (by my father & sister for an upholstery cleaner they jointly owned, I had a broken wrist, 3 kids under 5, no money & was so upset because of a big spill on my sofa. They said they never lent it out (liars)). That was 15 years ago & it upset me so much I've never put myself in that position again.

I don't lend now either as 99% of things never get returned.

I'll 'give' whenever I can, but my experience of borrowing & lending are almost all negative.

We absolutely should borrow and lend for environmental reasons 😇

Such a funny OP because I’m always DELIGHTED if I can help or lend someone something. I have a woman on my road with a younger child than mine and I pass all my child’s nice clothes down to her and she in turn passes them down to someone else. Several old ladies where I live and I’m always lending my DH out to help them out with stuff. I generally don’t lend out expensive items I couldn’t do without unless I trust the person but never been an issue. As for borrowing, the only item I regularly borrow is my sister’s Amazon Prime account and relative’s John Lewis discount - I must use either one or the other of those at least once a week.

That's sad @NoMoreShit , but it's fine for people to say no. I'm sure there are lots of more generous people out there.

Why wouldn't you ask for help?

Because it inconveniences others and (as the caravan thread shows) puts other people in a position where they feel awkward about saying “no”.

Food ingredients? Only really okay if the shops are shut (and I say this as someone who lives pretty remotely). You’ve run out of eggs? Go to the shop and buy some. Unless you have a really strong relationship with someone where a) you know they don’t mind the request and b) will be able to say no, then you should avoid doing it except in a proper emergency. People who take the “no harm in asking” view either don’t realise or don’t care about the angst that goes on about someone having to say “no”.

We borrow and lend equipment - scarifier to one neighbour, wood chipper from another - because why not share what we’re not using at the moment?

Routinely lend food. This week is was ground cumin to one mate and chilli flakes to another. It only takes a moment and I’ve got plenty. It all evens out in the end.

We also share produce. When one has a glut in the vegetable garden we share it out.

It’s friendly, cooperative and saves people buying something when they only need it for a weekend etc.

I also loan books out all the time.

I think your world is a bit sad. My friends and also neighbours often borrow stuff. I'm really happy to see stuff used. Better than them going to buy another item that will hardly be used.
I love that my neighbour feels he can just pop over and ask for an egg if he's short of one
But it sounds like you have quite a negative view of the world if you are assuming someone will take the piss, and are uncomfortable in people's space.

I've always prided myself on my self sufficiency and expect others to be the same. I don't really like to bother other people unless I absolutely have to. It's about having your shit together and self reliance and not inconveniencing others.

I had a neighbour who was always ringing up to see if she could borrow stuff, including your time as she would soon try and involve you in all her personal dramas - and everything was a drama with her! The last straw came when she'd borrowed an expensive dress for a date and returned it with what looked like olive oil stains down the front. I was greatly relieved when I moved flats and I knew wouldn't be seeing her again - I actually wrapped up the dress and left it to her as a goodbye gift knowing that she wouldn't wear it as it was ruined.

She borrowed my clothes iron once, and then I needed it to iron a blouse for an interview, rang her but she wasn't at home and had gone away for a week... Not a situation, I'd ever want to be in again.

Not to mention the number of DVDs & books she borrowed that I never got back and ending up buying again.

Your friend is a thief, not a borrower. You don't mind that she's stealing your things?

Well, if you stop the angst and train yourself to have the confidence to say no then things will be easier. There's no need to give an emotional charge to a request to borrow something. Maybe it's my German heritage. We are blunt 😁

As a PP pointed out, the borrowing issues generally seem to arise because of a lack of assertiveness. Once you’re comfortable saying “no” in a friendly way it doesn’t feel like such a burden. I would simply say “no” to the neighbour who had form for borrowing stuff and not bringing it back rather than decide I would never lend a thing again.

Same. I also have a next door neighbour who I borrow ingredients from when I run out of something, and she does the same to me. It’s not big things or cheeky things, just like a tsp of a certain spice or similar. And we give each other food when we have too much of something. It’s nice and I really value this kind of community resource.

On our local FB page yesterday there was a post . "Need a large dog crate for free". No please,no thank you ,no explanation or cute dog picture. Funnily enough 24 hours later there have been absolutely no responses..

Because it inconveniences others and (as the caravan thread shows) puts other people in a position where they feel awkward about saying “no”

I find this such a sad way of thinking.

Of course people should ask for help if they need it. If you feel unable to say no, that's something you need to work on 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have a neighbourhood group where we borrow and lend. A couple of people remembered my statement that I always have a bottle of fizz in the fridge because you never know when you might need to celebrate something. They've borrowed mine, replaced asap and then bought their own to keep in the fridge and alerted the group that I was right! I also borrowed a lemon on saturday night because the one that I thought I had was no longer there. My recipe hinged on it.