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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you a Borrower and if you are why?

326 replies

coodawoodashooda · 24/01/2023 07:05

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

OP posts:
Parentandteacher · 25/01/2023 23:31

No! Absolutely not. I’m too terrified of losing/damaging/forgetting about said thing and the owner being angry with me!

I envy people who breezily borrow things without a care in the world.

Mamanyt · 26/01/2023 00:16

I am both a borrower and a lender within a small group of friends. Someone in that group always has what someone else needs. Thus far, over the last several years, we have had a very good record for things being returned in good shape (or with money to fix/replace) or replaced, in the case of "may I borrow half a cup of sugar, etc." .

Of course, I'm the "go to" person for anyone wanting to borrow books, as my home library consists of almost 1500 books. And you can bet that I examine them closely for undue damage when they are returned! The books, I track carefully. I have a library program on my computer that let me enter who borrows a book, along with the date borrowed, contact info, and the condition when returned.

T1Dmama · 26/01/2023 00:25

I’m with you OP.
I couldn’t ask to borrow something unless it was something reasonably urgent…
I’d rather go without something until I could get to the shops the next day…
I used to have a woman who lived in our street, I’d occasionally chat to her but we weren’t what I’d class as friends…. She would text and come up with some reason why she had no money and ask to borrow a tenner, she’d ask if I had any wine she could ‘have’ and one Christmas Eve asked if I had any spare Pepsi max she could have as she was having guests over Christmas Day and didn’t have any in the house….. I found her incredibly cheeky! After me she started asking another neighbour, never replaced the wine… more annoyingly, once we stopped lending/giving her things she pretty much stopped associating with us, choosing to walk a different way to school or leaving a different time to avoid us….
I’d be embarrassed to borrow money off someone I barely knew….
of course if I was cooking and my tin opened broke I’d ask my lovely neighbour if I could borrow one, and return it immediately…. But that’s totally different as she’s lovely and we do lots for each other…. During covid I used to text her everytime I went to the shops and would buy her things that hadn’t been delivered or that she just fancied…. So when it’s a 2 way relationship it’s different…. And I’d absolutely think nothing if lending her money if she couldn’t get money out for some reason.

T1Dmama · 26/01/2023 00:57

I agree with this actually… I don’t have an issue with close friends or family asking ‘I don’t suppose you’re free next Friday to have little Billy for a few hours as I have doctors etc… or the occasional favour when a mate is stuck…
I think most people help each other out tbh, but the only people that post on here are those that are being taken advantage of so we only see the bad

Ottil · 26/01/2023 01:17

No, neither me or DH are borrowers. We're lenders, as we seem to have stuff people need fairly often. It backfired recently, when someone took the piss in a most spectacular way. I must make a thread about that one sometime Grin

I borrow books I suppose - regularly swap with friends.

TheOriginalEmu · 26/01/2023 01:20

I can’t be bothered to read 13 pages to check if anyone else thought we were talking about this lot?

Are you a Borrower and if you are why?
Dogsafety123 · 26/01/2023 07:06

AlwaysGinPlease · 25/01/2023 20:10

Neither a lender or a borrower be. If I want something I buy it. It amazes me what things some people ask to borrow!

Yes, but this was said by Polonius, who was pompous, hypocritical and eventually met a bloody death. So.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 26/01/2023 07:12

Parentandteacher · 25/01/2023 23:31

No! Absolutely not. I’m too terrified of losing/damaging/forgetting about said thing and the owner being angry with me!

I envy people who breezily borrow things without a care in the world.

I'm a bit like this too

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/01/2023 07:20

My Dh asked the neighbour if he could borrow his ancient little car this week when the dog had an emergency appointment at the vet, then asked him for a lift to the garage to retrieve his own car. The neighbour had said he could borrow it any time and he was desperate re the dog. He also borrowed a tool to remove his spark plugs. In return, the neighbour got a £30 bottle of whiskey and £20. He’s retired and stony broke. We’ve lived next door for 20 years and have never asked him for anything before now.

Snowpixi · 26/01/2023 07:27

That’s such a sad way to live life. Don’t have such a low expectation of people - look for the best in people they might surprise you and actually bring joy to your world.

Notsoivorytower · 26/01/2023 08:12

I'm a very reluctant borrower, as I don't like to be in anyone's debt - but if I do borrow - I always give back, replace and/or give back with gift. Say if someone lends me a pan to make something or I'm an egg short when I'm baking - then I'd return the item with a bun or two or a slice of cake. My DH borrowed next doors ladders over the summer and kept forgetting to return them ... but when he did he returned them with a case of beer!

I'm a willing lender, but there are so many cf's out there that are on the take. I know certain people that ask to borrow and I know I won't see things again! Over the years I've lost books, a suitcase, a dress, a leather jacket, money, dishes ... I could go on!

My DH is too generous for his own good - when he used to share a house after uni with mates, one of his mates, who was also working was notoriously bad at managing his money and was always skint - so constantly asking for handouts. I think he must owe DH £thousands. Funnily enough he's on £megabucks now unlike DH but I don't for a minute think he'll ever repay him! Some things are easily forgotten eh🙄

LovelyLisa2 · 26/01/2023 08:25

No I am not a borrower but I have a few friends who are, the worst being somebody who wanted 20k for a house deposit down to others who expert free babysitting, presents for kids parties, free pet care etc.

Bugbabe1970 · 26/01/2023 09:25

ladymacbeth · 24/01/2023 07:13

I wouldn't say I'm a borrower but I also live in a very unmumsnetty world where people do each other favours, lend things, pay for things, don't go no contact and generally just get on. So I'd not think twice about lending a a caravan to family!

This!
And when all our kids were in primary school I used to do a lot of child care/ helping out with kids during the school holidays because I also had school holidays off....and shock horror I used to feed them all too!

Blaidd · 26/01/2023 16:31

My friend and myself 'barter'. She can't sew, so I take up trousers, hem and patch things mainly for her growing boys (and expanding husband!), she is a top stylist at a posh and expensive salon so I get my barnet done at home!

Mollymoostoo · 26/01/2023 18:44

Green pens for marking. It is the only colour I never seem to have despite having borrowed (and not returned) many green pens.

Missp23 · 26/01/2023 19:34

@icelolly12 i agree. It baffles me when you see someone requesting a free sofa and then when someone kind enough to offer one comes along, the OP needs photos and details of colour etc before confirming they will take it.

TinselTinsel · 27/01/2023 03:59

coodawoodashooda · 24/01/2023 07:05

With the caravan borrower thread in mind, and my neighbour, why are some people so good at borrowing and asking for favours? I would always rather go without or save up until I could get whatever myself. My neighbour has terrible form for running out of main ingredients for the meals she's cooking or being short on childcare. I personally find being in someone else's personal space quite unrelaxing. If you Borrow how do you manage this without feeling embarrassed or awkward? It absolutely baffles me.

Your neighbour must be my best mate 😂

Mamai90 · 27/01/2023 04:21

ladymacbeth · 24/01/2023 07:13

I wouldn't say I'm a borrower but I also live in a very unmumsnetty world where people do each other favours, lend things, pay for things, don't go no contact and generally just get on. So I'd not think twice about lending a a caravan to family!

Same here.

Cocochat · 27/01/2023 04:21

Not a borrower but we’re swoppers.
We had a tree taken down and it left a gap on our boundary so a neighbour gave us some spare wire fencing in return for some of the wood.
Another neighbour gives us eggs and I make them biscuits.
In summer we all share our fresh veg, if we have a glut of tomatoes or courgettes or figs and ndn gives us raspberries or cherries.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 27/01/2023 07:09

Mamai90 · 27/01/2023 04:21

Same here.

Show quote history

Before I had an abusive husband I did this too. In fact that's why I probably married an abuser. I had no idea such wicked behaviour existed.

OP posts:
Snowpaw · 27/01/2023 07:37

We had some people over for dinner years ago - friends of my DP, and one friend saw a book on my shelf and we struck up a discussion about how good it was, and he said in front of everyone "Can I borrow it?" - bearing in mind this chap lives 200 miles from us and we don't see him for years at a time. I felt like I'd be rude to say no, as he asked in front of everyone and we were all having a nice time, but here we are many years later and we haven't seen him since and he still has my favourite book. Rude.

Flatandhappy · 27/01/2023 07:49

I grew up being told “neither a borrower nor a lender be” and tbh my experiences of being a lender have generally made me realise it’s a good mantra.

WimpoleHat · 27/01/2023 08:01

he said in front of everyone "Can I borrow it?" - bearing in mind this chap lives 200 miles from us and we don't see him for years at a time. I felt like I'd be rude to say no, as he asked in front of everyone and we were all having a nice time

This is a really good example of why I hate it and why the people (usually askers) who say “you can just say no” don’t get why it’s rude. He has asked for something because he wants it. He has had no indication from the OP that she would be happy to lend/give it. His wants trump any consideration of hers. And she’s now in a position of having to say “no, I don’t want to” in company, which makes her feel awkward because she doesn’t want to seem rude. And I’m convinced that askers know this full well; they’ve just learnt that it’s a convenient strategy to get their own way/not have to buy their own things.

DanseAvecLesLoups · 27/01/2023 08:10

Not so much 'borrowing' but I do get pissed off with some of the 'favours' some people ask.

"You're an accountant, can you do my year end returns"

"You're an architect, can you do my planning application?"

"You're an electrician/plumber can you fix/install X?"

Normally said favour if charged at the going rate would cost anything between a few hundred quid to thousands and will take hours to do properly and these CFs think a bottle of Blue Nun is suitable recompense.
I'm an engineer and one acquaintance asked if I could help design their house extension, I'm not even that kind of engineer, but this pair of tits were badgering me for weeks to 'just have a look'.

Snowpaw · 27/01/2023 11:49

@WimpoleHat
Absolutely. I would never put someone on the spot like that. So rude!