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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why is polyamory trending?

273 replies

KiwiMum2023 · 23/01/2023 21:51

What’s going on with polyamory? Seems like a very blatant push to make it acceptable with all these throuple stories in the news. AIBU to think it’s all a bit grim?

OP posts:
DizzyRascal · 25/01/2023 18:11

What happens if one of the women gets pregnant though? I always wonder this. That could make things complicated in a throuple. Sex is not without consequences!

Tonty · 25/01/2023 18:32

Sleepwalkingintothewall · 23/01/2023 22:02

I'd be totally up for having several spouses who did all the cooking and cleaning while I swanned about. Wouldn't want sex though.

They'd do all the childcare too and make sure they kept them quiet while I had a napGrin.

Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 18:34

I find it incredibly dismissive to refer to concerns about children as ‘pearl clutching’. There are thousands of threads on this site calling out someone who is introducing multiple partners over a short period of time to their children. Posters here that think children are unaffected by their parents being in a polyamorous relationship are delusional. Aside from anything else if you have two partners at least you necessarily have less time for your children. Also can we have a moratorium on the use of the phrase ‘dog whistle’ on this thread. As for the ‘queer adjacent’ comment, come off it!!!! Heteros with multiple partners are not in any way more ‘queer adjacent’ than ummm just other straight people.

lyson · 25/01/2023 18:38

I think I would have fucking hated my parents being 'polyamorous' frankly. Not to mention what would happen if the local kids got hold of it

SilverGlitterBaubles · 25/01/2023 18:47

lyson · 25/01/2023 18:38

I think I would have fucking hated my parents being 'polyamorous' frankly. Not to mention what would happen if the local kids got hold of it

Agreed, growing up is confusing and difficult enough without this. We have reached a really bizarre point in society where anything goes and any kind of questions or concerns about this result in outrage.

TheCatch · 25/01/2023 18:52

I'm from a country where Polygamy is quite normal, albeit 1 man and many wives not the other way round. the men often like to boast about how the 'women' all get on with each other and love each other and the children are all happy obviously, because this gives them more kudos in society as a man who can manage his family well. It's quite funny as everyone knows the women all hate each other Grin.
The other funny thing is people site polygamy as a more honest means of living instead of having 'affairs' outside of the marriage. Truth is every single one of the men I've ever known in polygamous marriages were having affairs outside of their harem of women. They're never satisfied.

EBearhug · 26/01/2023 01:40

The concept of living in a single nuclear family of two parents and their children in a household is mostly a recent and affluent one. It's often not like that in many places, cultures, and times. People live with other generations of the same family, with siblings and their families, with servants, with lodgers, with old friends even. It's not unusual for adults other than the birth parents to be closely involved in a child's upbringing. I haven't researched it, so have no evidence, but I'm willing to bet that some of those households would have involved polyamorous relationships, even if no one else was really aware, because they kept quiet to avoid social censure. But if kids see respectful, loving relationships being modelled, that's better for them than see dysfunctional, abusive ones, regardless of how many people are included.

Polyamorous relationships can come in a variety of configurations. They may not be open relationships at all, but could be closed, just with more than two people. There's a huge range of different ways they can work. They wouldn't work at all for many people. Some might share partners, others could have separate external partners, or they coukd have casual partners. Or a whole mix. It woukd take a lot of emotiinal work, and some people don't do well at that even when there's only one other person. A great many traditional relationships fail; if people going into less traditionsl relationships go into it with open minds, working on it to discuss what boundaries will work for them, how to manage changes over time and any other problems, there's no reason it couldn't last as long as an average twosome. But many people don't put that sort of work into any relationship and go forward on assumptions that might not be shared.

mackthepony · 26/01/2023 01:49

I'd love to have two wives!

Dullardmullard · 26/01/2023 04:18

It’s more common to do polygamy than polygamous men want more women and to boast about it, they actually don’t want women to have the same.

TheOriginalEmu · 26/01/2023 04:23

Polyamory is an entirely natural way to live. If it works for other people I don’t see why anyone cares.

Babycakes6 · 26/01/2023 04:41

HereComesMaleficent · 24/01/2023 00:25

I personally find the whole thing buzzare and I wouldn't choose it for myself, however having said that, what other consenting adults get up to and as long as it doesn't involve me I don't care 🤣

As a loan parent to one child, I don't even want to share my life/home/environment with one adult let alone two or more. I'd go insane 🫣

Imagine having to constantly converse with someone or a 3 way argument or something. Fuck that!

This exactly! How on Earth they manage, I can’t manage a much simpler relationship.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 26/01/2023 05:21

I wouldn't mind a wife if she did half of what I did, sounds like bliss actually 😆

LlynTegid · 26/01/2023 06:56

Never two men and a woman, almost always it seems two women and a man. Which says a lot.

Some fad or little known kind of relationship, or sexual preference becomes news for a while, then a new one takes its place. If we could do multiple choice polls I am sure we could take a guess. Or one of the tabloids would pick up the story and say MN thinks a certain fad will be next.

Kokeshi123 · 26/01/2023 06:58

I'd like some good quality LONG TERM data on polyamorous relationships, so we could see how long-lasting they are. I have a feeling the stats aren't great, but it would be nice to see some evidence either way.

History has generally shown that polygamy is bad for women, bad for children and bad for society. Feminists in countries where polygamy is practiced are mostly very critical of the practice. They also talk about the importance of other things, like girls-only toilets in schools, for female emancipation; it's funny how a lot of people in rich countries seem to be eager to throw away things that feminists in poor countries would correctly point out as being important for women and girls.

BethDuttonsTwin · 26/01/2023 07:04

Sparklybutold · 23/01/2023 23:30

IME it's being pushing by the same people spouting trans and gender ideology

Agree. Break down social norms, usher in a new more equal utopia blah blah blah.

All the “throuples” I have seen are made up of deeply unattractive and inadequate looking people with poor personal hygiene. Grim.

SpiceAndCoffee · 26/01/2023 08:21

BethDuttonsTwin · 26/01/2023 07:04

Agree. Break down social norms, usher in a new more equal utopia blah blah blah.

All the “throuples” I have seen are made up of deeply unattractive and inadequate looking people with poor personal hygiene. Grim.

This made me giggle because actually it’s true. Im yet to see conventionally attractive people do polyamory (or swinging actually). It seems to attract a certain type of person for sure.

that’s very mean of me to say out loud but I’m glad someone else has noticed it too lol

Lockheart · 26/01/2023 08:36

SpiceAndCoffee · 26/01/2023 08:21

This made me giggle because actually it’s true. Im yet to see conventionally attractive people do polyamory (or swinging actually). It seems to attract a certain type of person for sure.

that’s very mean of me to say out loud but I’m glad someone else has noticed it too lol

And people who aren't conventionally attractive are worthy of ridicule and giggling at are they?

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 26/01/2023 08:57

A couple would probs get the best mileage from adding a gender neutral person to the mix. They could then swap between MMF and FFM. 🤔

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 09:01

Lockheart · 26/01/2023 08:36

And people who aren't conventionally attractive are worthy of ridicule and giggling at are they?

Well maybe they are unattractive to the posters who say they find them unattractive?
Or are you going down the route of not being able to say who you do and don't find attractive?

Lockheart · 26/01/2023 09:25

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 09:01

Well maybe they are unattractive to the posters who say they find them unattractive?
Or are you going down the route of not being able to say who you do and don't find attractive?

You realise there's a vast difference between not finding someone attractive and denigrating them for it, right?

One is normal, the other is playground bitchiness.

Startwithamimosa · 26/01/2023 09:40

SpiceAndCoffee · 26/01/2023 08:21

This made me giggle because actually it’s true. Im yet to see conventionally attractive people do polyamory (or swinging actually). It seems to attract a certain type of person for sure.

that’s very mean of me to say out loud but I’m glad someone else has noticed it too lol

Interesting. In RL I've only seen extremely hot people involved (more swinging rather than long term relationships)

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 26/01/2023 09:53

Startwithamimosa · 26/01/2023 09:40

Interesting. In RL I've only seen extremely hot people involved (more swinging rather than long term relationships)

This is not the impression I get of it. I spoke to somebody who went to one and they said it was grim.

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/01/2023 09:59

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 26/01/2023 09:53

This is not the impression I get of it. I spoke to somebody who went to one and they said it was grim.

There’s usually a criteria for getting membership. Places like XB, KV and Antichrist are pretty ruthless on the looks front. Perhaps your friend didn’t make the cut for the good clubs?

collosalbrainbearer · 26/01/2023 10:15

I don't know any swingers IRL but I'm very sceptical about 'extremely hot' tbh

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