Why is polyamory trending?

[KiwiMum2023]

What’s going on with polyamory? Seems like a very blatant push to make it acceptable with all these throuple stories in the news. AIBU to think it’s all a bit grim?

'I was discussing queer theory and the erosion of boundaries.'

I'm confused, heterosexual people aren't poly? Don't have affairs? Don't have non - mono relationships?
99% of paedophiles 'identify' as straight men, so I'm not sure what queer theory has go to do with it

Consenting adults can and should be able to have the relationship setup they want. Never seen this situation end well though, at least not among the people I know.

I don't really get the impact on children thing. Most poly parents don't co parent with their lovers unless they are poly in the sense of all of them are in a relationship with each other, which seems to me to be more rare. Poly couples with children are most likely to be in a stable relationship, with each parent seeing separate relationship partners outside the home and away from the kids. It wouldn't impact the kids anymore than a parent taking an evening to see friends would.

What I do think is that with kids in the mix it's a rich persons game. If you're struggling to pay for school uniforms and extra curricular activities, cutting back on dates for yourself and child's other parent, you're not going to be happy about your partner swanning of on dates with others. Also if you are a woman who has given birth and is breastfeeding, perhaps on mat leave and taking the brunt of the childcare on, you probably won't be in a position to date and not happy about your partner focusing attention elsewhere. I can imagine resentment would build.

In my book, two's company, three's a crowd

And I expect that in every 3some, there's one person who isn't too happy with the situation

Well then perhaps you ought to read up on child development and attachment theory specifically? By the sounds of it you're talking here about single parents who date. Hardly the same thing, is it? And, in those circumstances, responsible parents don't introduce new partners until there's some stability in the relationship - for obvious reasons to everyone five minutes ago. 🙄

You are naïve if you think kids don't sense something is happening.

Whilst the thread began as being about throuples (all because apparently the media speculated on whether Rita Ora was in one), throuples, in the sense of three people who live together in a three-person full time relationship are pretty rare. I know a lot of people, most of whom are or have been non-monogamous, and I think I’ve only ever met one actual throuple, all three of whom were childfree. The vast vast majority of non-monogamous people in polyamorous or open relationships who have children do exactly what most coupled and single parents do: date and have sex when their children are in bed, being babysat, or with their other parent. Their children are often completely unaware, and certainly never exposed to any kind of sex. There’s no safeguarding required, any more than your DC need to be safeguarded from you and your OH because presumably you and your OH have sex when they’re in the house.

The idea that there are ever going to be vast swathes of children being brought up in multi-adult homes not knowing who their parents are because polyamory is hysteria - and conversely, far from being trendy, edgy or queer, the people who do conduct their polyamorous family set ups that way tend to be members of traditional or fundamentalist religious sects.

It wouldn't impact the kids anymore than a parent taking an evening to see friends would.
Ok kids, mum's just off for a shag with Billy, what shall we do this evening?

@ComtesseDeSpair Why do you think the children are totally unaware? Children are not as daft as some adults think they are.

Any particualr resoruces you'd recommend? I'm not talking about single parents, I'm talking here about two people who (a) are in a romantic relationship and live together, (b) have children, and (c) have romantic relationships with other people outside of their main relationship. I agree that parents, single or polyamoros, should not introduce children to partners until there's stability, or perhaps ever. I don't think that this set up I've described, where children are never introduced to the other partners, is obviously damaging to development or attachment, or kids' wellbeing in general.

What I am saying is: trouples are rare. the set up above is more widespread than throuples, although obviously still way less prevalent than monogomany.

Do you think that's what single mums say? Ok kids, have fun with grandma, I'm off to shag Billy? I think they probably say have fun with grandma darlings, I'm going out...

Yea because that’s definitely how polyamorous people word it if one of them goes out to see another partner…

My girlfriend’s daughter knows that sometimes, her mum goes out with her friends. I’m unsure what damage is likely to be caused by a child knowing that their parents go out with their friends. She doesn’t go home and describe all the positions we had sex in and which toys we used.

And most children above a certain age are aware that their parents, whether coupled, single or otherwise, sometimes have sex. That awareness isn’t harmful and it isn’t something children need safeguarding from.

''@housemaus
I find it interesting how quickly people jump to 'but have you thought about damaging it is for children?'.

As with everything, done right, polyamory has no reason to be any more damaging than raising your children with monogamous parents, other than the fear of judgement''

What you are saying is simply not logical.

If you look at it from a purely practical point of view people with several partners will have by definition less time to spend with each individual involved in the relationships and with their kids.

If you had kids to support as well with each partner, it would means less disposable income for each family.

You also assume that the kids will be happy to share their parents that way and see less of them because they choose to have several lovers or to have to explain in the playground why their parent has several ''official'' partners.

I have met several poly people and never seen it work in the long term.

The majority ended up moving in with/getting married to a single partner and having occasional casual sex (both sides agreed to an open relationship). They dropped the pretence that they were managing to have several equally loving and emotionally committed relationships at the same time. They simply wanted some variety of sexual partners which at least is an honest take on it.

Others lost their marriage over it or/and fell out with their kids, when the kids were old enough to understand what was going on and they simply did not accept their parents' lifestyle.

So frankly this is not about moral judgement it is simply looking at the reality of these relationships and the impact they have on people rather than the trendy gloss that is being put on them.

@DarkShade No they either say they are going out with friends and refuse to say anything else deflecting or lie - kids sense this
or they say they are going out with their friend Billy (again) - kids eventually begin to wonder if anything is going on.
I knew when my parents were lying to me or deflecting.

There's no safeguarding required? Is that right?

It is not hysterical to point out that mothers, specifically are targeted by men who want to get close to children. It is not hysterical to point out (ICYMI) that a known vulnerability, in terms of bring a single parent, is the introduction of another adult, unrelated, into the child's house.

I will add that no, obviously I do not mean all potential lovers are potential child abusers. Or that there aren't parents who abuse (because that would be a silly assertion), but the reality is there is more risk when you introduce non related males into the home. And the more males, the more risk.

It's not rocket science or a moral, pearl clutching, it's facts.

''@ComtesseDeSpair
My girlfriend’s daughter knows that sometimes, her mum goes out with her friends. I’m unsure what damage is likely to be caused by a child knowing that their parents go out with their friends.''

But you are not going out with your friends. Friendship usually does not involve sexual relationships.

So you are just having to hide/lie about your love life and you also are naive to think that kids don't work out in the long run that something else is going on.

Then I assume you regularly say to your DC “dad and I are going to have an early night tonight so we can have a shag”, so as not to worry them with your lying or deflecting?

I felt the same! Two happy people, one person putting up with it for the sake of their existing kids/for the scraps

@AttentionAll Ok, so kids work it out maybe when they're much much older - so what? If they have a poly lifestyle they'll be able to explain to their much older kids that they have consensual relationships outside their marriage. What of it?

My mum had a close male friend when I was growing up. Now I'm an adult I wonder if there was ever more to the friendship. He gave her a lavish gift once that she refused, and stopped contact when he eventually met the woman he went on to marry. As a child, I didn't question it when she spent time with him either by herself or with me, and I actually had no idea where she went and who with when she went out with friends of an evening. I don't understand why it would be any different for poly couples.

All of those things could apply to monogamous people as well though. You’re just inventing reasons to panic. A polyamorous couple with children will most likely have one parent at home with the kids while the other goes out to see other partners, and take it in turns to do so. If the other partner visits them at home they’re introduced as a friend. The only difference between friends visiting or parents going out to see friends is that these are people they have a romantic connection with and sleep with (out of the view of children, of course!) yes, anyone could potentially be a paedophile, but that has absolutely nothing to do with polyamory

Now you’re just being ridiculous. Do you tell your kids when you and your husband have sex? If not, you’re lying.

@TedMullins You are really naive, kids pick up this person is not just a friend

Ok, let’s run with this - so what if they do? So what if they ask questions? You can explain in an age appropriate way that people can love more than one person. I don’t think kids would ask any more questions than they would about a parent going to see an actual friend, though. Most married polyamorous people I know only see their other partners about once a fortnight

Most adults don’t tell their children exactly what they’re going to be doing when they go out with their friends. Nor do most adults tell their children that they’re going to be having sex, whoever they’re having it with. It isn’t information children need to know and the suggestion that not telling your children about the sex you’ll be having is “lying” to them is quite frankly creepy.

Most poly parents discuss relationships with their DC in an age appropriate way; just as single parents will discuss or introduce a new partner as “mummy’s friend” to a young child initially but be more open about them being a boyfriend or girlfriend to a teen.