Why is polyamory trending?

[KiwiMum2023]

What’s going on with polyamory? Seems like a very blatant push to make it acceptable with all these throuple stories in the news. AIBU to think it’s all a bit grim?

@DarkShade yeah, I'd recommend reading Bowlby, Winnicott and Klein to understand how sense of self and sense of the world is informed by early attachments.

The School Of Life has some excellent intro videos on YouTube re:attachment styles. Children do not grow up in some kind of vacuum where they won't notice or internalise your patterns of relating.

And Erikson's Stages of Development.

What a disingenuous response @TedMullins I note you did not respond to any of my points - just silly accusations of pearl-clutching

yawns

I know some of those (the last one), and agree that children don't grow up in a vacuum, but specifically - how does a parent spending time with a partner who is not their father affect them negatively? Surely so long as both parents continue to form a strong bond with their children, and do not introduce other partners to them (and certainly not in a prent role) then attachment isn't compromised. Presumably poly parents won't mind that kids internalise a poly pattern of relating, so that also seems fine.

Notice that a lot of pearls go un-clutched when kids grow up "internalising" poor relationship dynamics by watching their monogamous parents fight, nurture resentment, and stay together in miserable households 'for the kids' because it's the done thing. I certainly did when I was growing up.

I'm not going to get annoyed at this thread Amy more. Because it's not about poly people, is it? It's about pushing a "return to tradition" and "cultural purity" narrative.

Other posters - I actually don't mind if you think poly people are gross and weird, that's ok. But please maintain a healthy suspicion of posts like these. One day, it won't just be "queers and swingers" that they come for, it might be you or something you care about.

*any more

Right. Define what you mean by poly.

You keep coming back to me as if I'm responding negatively to single parents dating. Which is either a deliberate misrepresentation on your part - or a lack of comprehension, so which is it?

To be very clear: I think it is inappropriate and not in a child's interest for their parent(s) to be in open relationships with random others. "Open" meaning a multiplicity of partners and I include the oh-so trendy threesomes, foursomes however stable they claim to be. To suggest that complex sexual relationships between child carers creates instability for a child is not a stretch - as demonstrated on this very thread by other posters who grew up experiencing that. Perhaps pay attention to lived experience there?

That is clearly not the same as both parents being in stable relationships with another - or a single parent looking to meet another partner so please stop pretending that's what I'm saying.

I don't know what you're talking about, nowhere have I pretended that you're talking about single people. What did I say to make you think this?

I'm talking about poly relationships where a couple who have children also each have their own romantic relationship(s) outside of the main relationship, what you're calling "open" relationships. I don't think that the lived experience of 2 people on a thread counts against an entire relartionship style, or half of MN would count against heterosexual monogamy.

My main point is that what matters for kids is stability, not the precise relationship style their parents have. A poly parent who brings in a rotating parade of lovers will obviously not be good for their kid. But the damage isn't from the relationship being poly in particular, it's from the parade of lovers.

Is it trending? I haven't seen anything. But then the Internet likes to show you what you like - whether that's for pearl clutching magnifying glass 'oh the horror' curiosity or the more likely, knee rubbing, nudge nudge, wink wink variety. I imagine if you've not got experience your view on it isn't worth tuppence.

So you think two adults who have each other but also two other romantic relationships on the side - so four adults in total? - somehow will not negatively impact on the child or children in terms of their attachment, quality time with parent or actual safety?

I will politely disagree.

@DarkShade

None of the adults I know who are involved in poly relationships have kids so I can’t comment there. I think if you’re committing to the lifestyle then it’s something you’d talk to your kids about in an age appropriate way. Like all aspects of parenting. I don’t understand the moral panic on this thread.

My previous post about ND people and polyamory - again the people I know are older (45-55) and definitely there are those for whom it’s life and those for whom it’s something they’re doing right now…but they’re all intelligent people with full lives and creative imaginations.

I don't really think you can say it's harmful to children as a blanket statement! It is the same as any relationship surely - if there is love and respect and no abuse then it is providing a good start for a child. It makes no bloody difference, you could ask that a person on their own is a harmful parent with that logic.
It's not for me - I don't share 😂- but each to their own and I certainly wouldn't judge anyone. Or even bat an eyelid tbh, I have too much shit of my own going on!

I responded to all of your (nonsense) points. Your concerns about predators could be applied to literally any situation where adults are introduced to children and are completely unrelated to polyamory. I would put money on it that you don’t know any polyamorous people or have done any real research into it. And as others keep pointing out, monogamous people don’t tell their children when they’re going to have sex, so why should polyamorous people have to?

You’re imagining a scenario where parents have a constant stream of sexual partners in and out the house where children are around and aware of these wild threesomes. That literally only exists in your head. You won’t find anyone polyamorous defending sexual behaviour around children, or introducing multiple “parent” figures because that isn’t how it works, and frankly you have no idea what you’re talking about

I agree @TedMullins . As if there aren't thousands of heterosexual, monogamous marriages with children, where the adults are having non-normative or dysfunctional sex lives?

@TedMullins ''Now you’re just being ridiculous. Do you tell your kids when you and your husband have sex? If not, you’re lying.''

You are missing the point entirely and getting rather aggressive.

This is not about discussing sex with your kids.

The point is that you don't have to hide your relationship from your kids if you have a partner who lives with you or are dating someone.

Most people when they are dating, if they find someone with long term potential, aim to introduce them to their kids and involve them in family life, not to have to keep them separate and call them ''friends'' and sneak out to see them because deep down they know this is not really the kind of relationship they can have with their kids' knowledge.

Well, exactly. Dysfunctional homes come in all shapes and sizes

Polymory? Who knew that Miss Hoolie, Archie and Josie Jump got up to such things?

''InPraiseOfBacchus · Today 14:43
TedMullins · Today 14:20
You’re imagining a scenario where parents have a constant stream of sexual partners in and out the house where children are around and aware of these wild threesomes. That literally only exists in your head. You won’t find anyone polyamorous defending sexual behaviour around children, or introducing multiple “parent” figures because that isn’t how it works, and frankly you have no idea what you’re talking about
Show quote history
I agree @TedMullins . As if there aren't thousands of heterosexual, monogamous marriages with children, where the adults are having non-normative or dysfunctional sex lives?''

I thought polyamory by definition was not just about sex, which differentiate it from simply wanting to have sex with multiple partners/casual sex.

It apparently is about being able to love from an emotional point of view several people.

Yet you and @TedMullins keep mentioning sex.

My issue with polyamory is that it is hypocritical: people waxing lyrical about having deep loving, equal (or as they like to say ''ethical'') relationships with several people when it reality that is pretty much impossible to achieve or is used a trendy way to justify not wanting commitment or pressuring a partner into agreeing to an open relationship.

I would actually give you credit if you came out and said that monogamy is not for you and you enjoy having sex with different partners.

I do have an issue with the rebranding of the as ''polyamory'' and building some ludicrous philosophy around it just because some people have decided it sound better that simply saying ''I just want to sleep with lots of people''...

@TedMullins you are mistaken, you didn't respond to any of my points on safeguarding, actually. It's just been strawman bluster and a lot of hot air. It's intellectually dishonest and rather dull.

Although your responses are here for all to read, which I think is useful.

lol it’s not us making it about sex. It’s people saying things like “you’re lying to your children about who you’re having SEX with” and insinuating it’s an open door for child abusers.

Of course it isn’t only about sex. It might be impossible for you to imagine loving more than one person at once but for many people that isn’t impossible at all, and different types of relationships are something you can explain to a child in an age appropriate way.

As for not wanting monogamy or to commit to one person forever…yes? That’s not a controversial viewpoint. Many people who practice polyamory have thought critically about monogamy and the idea of pledging yourself to one person and one person only for the rest of their lives and found it restrictive and unrealistic and that’s why they practice polyamory. Again, that isn’t only about sex, it’s about recognising it’s possible to form bonds with people that may not just be platonic, and that one person probably won’t meet all your needs within a relationship, and different people offer and need different things.

Its about communication, critical analysis, introspection, respect, love, fun, mutual enjoyment and care and many other things as well as sex.

Thats a wilful misreading of anything I said. You haven’t given a good reason why you think polyamory is a safeguarding concern particularly beyond “people having sex outside their primary relationship”. Safeguarding is as important to polyamory practitioners as it is to any other parent. Why do you think monogamy is by default a safeguard? Many, many children of monogamous parents have been abused.

Most parents keep the adult aspects of their life separate from their children. When my completely monogamous, married sister-in-law comes out with me for the evening, she tells her DS that “mum is going out tonight with Auntie Comtesse.” She doesn’t say “Auntie Comtesse and I will start off well, sharing a civilized bottle of red and some naice olives at the Lady Mildmay at Newington Green; but ultimately we’ll probably drink too much, end up at Fabric at about 2am; upon leaving, with or without our coats, who knows, we’ll manage to get ourselves completely lost in Farringdon despite knowing the area back to front and upside down, at which point we’ll hail a taxi and I’ll crash in Auntie Comtesse’s spare room so that I don’t disturb Daddy by falling through the front door at 5 in the morning, and then we’ll enjoy a nice relaxing brunch without you whining in my ear all morning.” Because “I’m going out tonight with Auntie Comtesse” is all a 7-year-old boy needs to know about how his mother plans to spend her Friday night.

And so it goes with my girlfriend to her 7-year-old daughter. It’s “I’m going out tonight with my friend Comtesse.” No more detail needed.

In neither of these examples does a 7-year-old need to know what happens after their parent leaves the house, and in neither example is it “sneaking around.” It’s adults doing adult things which children don’t need to hear about. That’s good parenting. Not hiding stuff or lying.

If you look at it from a purely practical point of view people with several partners will have by definition less time to spend with each individual involved in the relationships and with their kids.
So the best option for children would be a single parent? Because no pesky spouse to take time up? What about working parents, are they worse than those who don't, because they have less time?

If you look at it from a purely practical point of view people with several partners will have by definition less time to spend with each individual involved in the relationships and with their kids.
Right, but ....they know this? And are presumably happy with less time with each individual person in the relationship (which is irrelevant to children). Anyone spending no time with their kid because of their relationship is parenting badly, this would be the case regardless - it's not like when you signed up at Poly 101 they make you sign a waiver agreeing not to spend fewer than 20 hours a week with each partner. Poly people with children will have less time to spend with partners, just as mono people with children will have less time to spend with their partners. Why are you assuming poly people would go, "Welp, time with the kids is the first thing to go, got fuckin' to do!"??

If you had kids to support as well with each partner, it would means less disposable income for each family.
As does having multiple children generally. Should everyone stop at one child each, or just people who are polyamorous?

You also assume that the kids will be happy to share their parents that way
Do you think people with monogamous parents see themselves as 'sharing' their mum with their dad or vice versa?

and see less of them because they choose to have several lovers
Again, there's absolutely no reason this would be the case - in the case of a poly person with kids, I would presume they'd have less time for said lovers because of the kids, not the other way round. Not sure why you're assuming otherwise.

or to have to explain in the playground why their parent has several ''official'' partners.
Perhaps if people weren't so adamant it was tantamount to child abuse there wouldn't be any 'explaining' to do, and children could just say 'we have a different family set-up'. Like kids with step parents do.

I have met several poly people and never seen it work in the long term.
Mmmm, anecdata.

Others lost their marriage over it or/and fell out with their kids, when the kids were old enough to understand what was going on and they simply did not accept their parents' lifestyle.
Tbh, that sounds like the kid's issue. If my mum had multiple happy relationships I'd be pleased for her.

trendy gloss
Surely it's more of an acknowledgement that this lifestyle works for some people and isn't weird or deviant, just different? It's not about recruiting everyone for the poly train as far as I can see, just asking for some basic understanding that some people choose to have multiple partners and it's not that remarkable?

Exactly. I'm not poly but can't stand the low level "but what about the CHILDREN" dogwhistling going on because something is - potentially - queer adjacent.