Why is polyamory trending?

[KiwiMum2023]

What’s going on with polyamory? Seems like a very blatant push to make it acceptable with all these throuple stories in the news. AIBU to think it’s all a bit grim?

Did see an article on a truple in Green Parent mag this month. Think they went to court to get parental responsibility of the kids for the second bloke or something like that. I don't really understand how anyone has time for it all. Maybe they have less demanding low hours jobs and no hobbies.

@housemaus
Although interestingly, no one on the thread, whether expressing concerns about children or dismissing them, has asked the opinion of the poster who said she and her siblings had been badly affected (@Disabrie22 )

Full disclosure - I'm poly and have been for 15 years.

What a judgemental post, OP. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm also sorry that other people have had bad experiences too. But generalising a whole set of people is really not on.

Yes, there are "grim" aspects of some poly relationships - pushy or selfish partners, boundary issues, abuse, etc. But remember that people frequently have very bad experiences when their partners (or parents) are monogamous and heterosexual.

Most of us are grown ups who behave themselves. But, of course, stories like those don't make it onto TV or MumsNet message boards, do they? And of course now that MN is peppered with Alt-Right plants it's only going to get worse.

For what it's worth, I hated the Louis Theroux documentary. I used to like him, but the poly documentary (and his very judgemental remarks in interviews about it) made me realise that he purposefully picks on grim situations to make good TV. It wasn't representative, even of shit poly relationships. This show is best avoided if you want to learn anything.

Thank the lord for Google Calendars that sync, that's all I can say!

Could you turn down your dog whistle, please? It's a bit loud.

Probably gender imbalance plays a part. Was reading about a practice in India (where there is a surplus of men) called wife sharing

Yes I noticed this.

Can you tell us more about your experiences @Disabrie22?

Wife sharing goes on in rural parts of China. It is utterly grim for the wife.

I didn't ask because I assume the poster would have elaborated had they wanted to. I also didn't ask because, as awful as that is, one person's experience proves nothing.

Lots of people, myself included, have sadly had awful experiences of parents who were monogamous (or whose love lives directly impacted our childhood) - we don't use that as proof that monogamy is awful for children.

I feel for that poster as I would any child whose parents let their own interests or feelings come above good parenting and support. But it's disingenous to suggest we use one poster's experience as a benchmark the same way it would be to use the experience of a child whose monogamous parent jumped boyfriends every few months and moved them in as a benchmark for the impact monogamous parents have on children.

The only reason you're seeing these stories is that journalists have decided it's the new thing to write about. By putting this thread up you're playing their game.

What happens between consenting adults who give informed consent is up to them.
Freely consenting adults should be free to conduct their relationships in whatever way works for them as long as they're not forcing other people to be unwilling participants/props.

Hmmm but those parents AREN’T being monogamous in a traditional sense are they? Do you think that because all the adults are open about their relationships with others it’s a different experience for children caught up in it? I can’t see how it would be

‘Grim indeed, an inadequate man convincing women that they can coexist as a unit, eschew the traditional roles blah blah
Usually it’s a fat fingered gamer who wants sex with multiple women but they keep his gaff tidy too and raise the kids’

don’t know what reality shite you’ve been watching but poly relationships are fairly common in my experience and it’s normal people who for whatever reason have been open about not wanting to be monogamous.

I have married friends who have ‘understandings’ along the gist of - do it, do it safely and discreetly
, or do it but don’t fall in love.
As well as those who’s partners have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I mostly don't care, it just rubs me the wrong way when I hear:

Monogamy is unnatural/controlling/insecure etc.

This is one of the same bloody stupid arguments people made about legalising homosexuality.

What adults do consensually does not lead to child sexual abuse. Relationships with more than two people in them are as old as the hills, and society hasn't fallen apart just yet.

Yes you are quite right. However, the world not falling apart and a polyamorous lifestyle being the optimum for children are far apart. If adults want to delude themselves they love 2, 4, 6 adults all the same and are loved all the same by them, that’s entirely their own business. My only interest is where children are involved and the impact on them in terms of security and stability. I can’t see how it’s any different for children to a situation where their parents change partners frequently, no one on this site would be applauding that situation.

Having one partner is fucking hard work, it would be awful having another two men to deal with. I dream of being alone more than anything!

Imagine having to make loads of effort to be attractive for pretty much all day. Not for me.

Could care what other people do.

Anyone care to enlighten me as to why my post was deleted? @MNHQ ?

Are you the person that disgracefully tried to link child abuse to polyamory? That’s probably why. Child abuse is caused by child abusers, most of whom are married men in heterosexual relationships abusing their own children

'Having one partner is fucking hard work, it would be awful having another two men to deal with. I dream of being alone more than anything!'

Most of the poly women I know are in a relationship with a man and another woman, or 2 women... or in a relationship and have more casual relationships with women only

I was discussing queer theory and the erosion of boundaries.

It’s never a good thing that we aren’t allowed to discuss the safeguarding problems that can arise when boundaries are pushed back.

We are allowed. Nobody says we're not allowed. I'm poly, and I welcome transparency and discussion about child safety in any community, especially my own.

You are deliberately pushing an agenda and using specific wording to put ideas in people's heads. Today, that idea is "people who practice non-monogamy are a danger to children". That is not ok.

To everyone else - I hope we're all able to see through this kind of post as they're getting more frequent on MN.

Agree. I would add do not involve children. Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that open relationships leave children disadvantaged from an attachment perspective. It is also a known safeguarding red flag when a non-related adult enters an intimate relationship with a parent. That's just reality.

I do wonder how many of these oh so on trendy pro-poly posters here have kids or are over 40. I'm going to guess not many.