Why is polyamory trending?

[KiwiMum2023]

What’s going on with polyamory? Seems like a very blatant push to make it acceptable with all these throuple stories in the news. AIBU to think it’s all a bit grim?

In the Louis theroux thing. New tablet sorry.

Did any of these studies look at the impact to children or which demographic was most advantaged? My guess it was males with women and children being disproportionately disadvantaged. For it to get better for some it may be worse for others. What might feel fun and edgy in early adulthood can quickly change. Women only have a finite amount of time to procreate and are far more vulnerable once pregnant and / or the children are born.

Each to their own.
I can't get excited about it.

I find it interesting how quickly people jump to 'but have you thought about damaging it is for children?'.

As with everything, done right, polyamory has no reason to be any more damaging than raising your children with monogamous parents, other than the fear of judgement - which the raised awareness of it might help. Having multiple supportive adults around modelling healthy relationships and respect is not a negative.

There are plenty of very, very unhealthy monogamous relationships which are far more damaging for children. Rowing parents who visibly resent each other is equally possible within a monogamous marriage. Parents breaking up and jumping from one new 'step parent' to the next is not unusual. Parents exposing their kids to poorly-blended families very quickly is not unusual.

The moralising around the impact of poly relationships on children is based solely on people finding it odd - because regardless of whether you have one husband or 5 partners, you can do so in a way that's healthy or unhealthy for your kids.

Sounds like too much hard worj to me, they invented tv streaming and hobbies for a reason

😂

Well I’m fine with people doing as they like, but as ever this seems to be being promoted along a very male agenda. So 1 M + 2F, and some men looking at it as an excuse to string at least one of them along, not be of any help with any joint commitments etc

I think it’s the attempt to define everything that grates as well - why not just say consenting adults can do as they like, as long as everyone is happy?

I agree though that it’s likely to end in tears for at least one person, but then so do many two person relationships, I guess.

Queer theory in action.

It’s very insidious and all about dismantling social norms: of relationships, families, parenthood, sexuality, gender and so on.

People might argue it’s all fine and “live and let live” and “just consenting adults, doing no harm” but at the murky heart of it is slowly dismantling boundaries around sex and sexual fetishes in some quite disturbing ways.

Know someone who wanted this and basically pushed her husband into agreeing. They now have two very emotionally and mentally messed up children who struggle to comprehend relationships.

Show me a woman who is being emotionally abused or taken advantage of in a polyamorous relationship and I’ll bet my house that she was also treated badly in at least one of her previous monogamous relationships and will, without doing therapeutic work on her boundaries and emotional literacy, be treated badly in her monogamous relationships afterwards. The problem is women’s poor self esteem, and what some women seem to think is worth putting up with just to have a pair of trousers around the house rather than polyamory. Most studies find broadly the same: people with healthy boundaries and in good places mentally and emotionally will have good relationships and, if they have any, raise well adjusted children regardless of the model those relationships take, and vice versa.

It has always been a thing. We just have the Internet now.

Best left out to a few Guardian readers with delusions that they are the new Bohemians.

Yep 😂

Yeah you're so right. Parenthood, family, sex etc should only ever be one man and one woman married under God, amirite? Anything else is wrong and against social norms and should be driven out.

That’s not what I was saying (nor is it what I believe) but you more you start noticing the slow creep of normal sexual boundaries being broken down and celebrated in the media… you won’t stop noticing it.

Human beings have an amazing capacity for love and sometimes I think that our modern stance on absolute monogamy isn’t how we’re designed to live as a species. I have no issue at all with polyamory as long as everyone involved is happy with it and know what they’re getting in to.

People used the same arguments against gay marriage, gay parents adopting, multiracial relationships, divorce, single women becoming mothers through sperm donation - all were meant to represent the breakdown of society and moral values and pose a threat to the safety and well-being of children. “The media” doesn’t represent the realty of non-monogamous relationships any more than it represents the lives of poor people well through shows like Benefits Britain.

But who are you to say what "normal" sexual boundaries are between consenting adults? It's none of your business whether another adult freely chooses to sleep with one or fifty people at a time.

"Normal sexual boundaries" are just what your culture/religion and upbringing make them.

To some people, two men having a sexual relationship is breaking normal sexual boundaries. Or two people having sex for any purpose other than procreation. To others, a 50 year old man being married to a 15 year old girl is perfectly normal and culturally expected.

Unless the state needs to get involved to protect children, or some other vital interest like that, then really what business is it of anyone else who consenting adults get into romantic and sexual relationships with.

Indeed it isn’t, and ‘twas ever thus.

The difference now is the way polyamory (which seems to be the preserve of emotionally unhealthy people, in the main), fetishes (everything from the normalisation of the sexual choking of women, to furries and adult diaper lovers parading in public) and other practices beloved of sexual libertarians is now written up in the media like it’s oh-so-enlightened and something to aspire to.

unherd.com/2022/05/the-emptiness-of-being-queer/

It’s not new, nor is it grim. Yes, there’ll always be people who use polyamory as a cover for manipulative or abusive behaviour but the non-monogamy scene does not condone that. Boundaries, honesty, ethics and communication are deemed very important if you’re going to do it properly. It isn’t solely about sex either.

The heterosexual monogamous relationship isn’t the only way to live and I’m glad society is starting to recognise that. You only have to read the relationship boards on here to see that hetero marriage isn’t a bed of roses.

Tell me you’ve never met any polyamorous people without telling me.

In actual fact, people who want to do it well do a LOT of emotional work on themselves, and are probably far more emotionally healthy and able to communicate honestly than the average monogamous heterosexual. Control, jealously, possessiveness, obsession over who your partner is talking to and opposite sex friends are common problems in the relationships written about on this board, as is not being able to open an honest and vulnerable conversation about feelings or sex. How many relationship problems could be solved simply by talking to each other? Of course the relationship boards on here aren’t a representative sample but if we take them as a snapshot of heterosexual monogamy, they’re hardly a picture of emotional health and harmony are they?

As for furries and whatever else you mentioned, literally nothing to do with polyamory. I’d suggest doing some more reading from unbiased sources if you want to know more about it.

Anyone else been watching The Brown family (1M and 4F) in the show Sister Wives? They ‘came out’ and started being filmed as a way of promoting polygamy. The husband (Kody) wanted to let everyone know how wonderful it is. However, it hasn’t ended well, as three wives have left him/he has ended the relationship, so he is now in a monogamous marriage. Kody will openly admit now that he is no longer an advocate for plural marriage.
Of them all, it is the children I feel sorry for. It was clear to see that Kody didn’t have the time to devote to all of his children (they didn’t all live together as one large family), but seemed to favour his newest wife/their children. As a result, relationships have also broken down with many of his older children. It is very sad to see.

I saw the Louis Theroux documentary. What was telling to me was that there was always one person swanning around living their best life with their two or multiple relationships, and some poor sap who sat there with tears in their eyes desperately trying to convince themselves and the producers how happy they were that the person they loved was "being their authentic self".

Humans have too much time on their hands.

Always the woman's fault.

Is it really more damaging for children than many of the car crash blended families we read about on mumsnet?

Or being the child of an anonymous donor, surrogate, donated egg or any of the other variables. Society changes over time and we cannot know the impact in the short term.