Why is polyamory trending?

[KiwiMum2023]

What’s going on with polyamory? Seems like a very blatant push to make it acceptable with all these throuple stories in the news. AIBU to think it’s all a bit grim?

To each their own eh?
Couldn't do it myself and would run for the hills if my DP suggested it.
My DP is MY precious...no hobbit will come tear him from me for sharesies🤣

That’s not what she’s saying. It’s true that low self esteem DOES make you put up with intolerable crap because you’re seeking validation. Society also gaslights women into thinking they have to “keep” a man. That’s not women’s fault, but ultimately it is possible to work to resist this through critical thinking, therapy etc. Women aren’t responsible for men’s shitty behaviour but they are responsible for themselves as individuals, how they deal with shitty men, and how they live their lives.

Isn’t it one of those things like anal sex that is becoming normalised (in porn) to the extent that loser men can try to ‘persuade’ their women by saying ‘everyone’s doing it’

Im not suggesting there aren’t some couples who aren’t happy with either but personally if my dp suggested it I’d chuck him back into the dating pool.

Completely this, insightful

I barely have the emotional bandwidth for ONE relationship, let alone 2 or more people.

Christ, can you imagine the sheer amount of work? Ain’t nobody got time for that 💅

That's my thoughts too, and if you voice any concern that one of the members of the 'throuple' may be being co-erced and not fully wanting to engage you're obviously just living in the dark ages/bigoted etc...

How many times has this happened to you, honestly?

Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, my best friend at the time became part of a polyamarous 3. The man looked and dressed like Lawrence Llewelleyn Bowen. He was an absolute wanker. She was desperate to feel 'cool' and to be loved. It seemed to make her very unhappy. In the end he and the other woman married and had lots of babies with very big hair. My friend was pushed out.

No thanks. Sounds like a strait through road to dysfunction junction and images of Mick Philpott and his caravan o love. 🤮

Don't understand the David haye thing.seen him on TV doing boxing punditry and he's got the personality of a sideboard

Christ, can you imagine the sheer amount of work? Ain’t nobody got time for that

Plus from what I've seen of plural marriages on documentaries I've seen, many of the parties become consumed with jealousy.

what proportion of polyamorous relationships consist of one women and multiple men?

Why do you feel the need to protect the rigid existing social norms of relationships, families, parenthood, sexuality, gender etc?

Not sure what polyam has to do with fetishes, or even sex, really. They're just relationships like any other, it's just there are more partners than we're used to - equally full of mundane, everyday aspects of relationships like scheduling and doing the housework and bickering over Netflix.

Would you say a marriage between two people is primarily about a fetish? Or because it's the social norm, is that deemed the baseline on which everything else is built - and why does it bother you that someone might want to dismantle that?

Humans have been nonmonogamous for a long, long time. This isn't new. But social norms about marriage and monogamy (driven in part by issues of parentage, religion, and misogyny) have made the idea of multiple partners seem deviant or abnormal, despite there being good evidence for the fact that many people aren't actually happy or able to commit to monogamy. Why shouldn't be dismantle the idea that the '2 married people parenting their 2.4 children' (which often also skews heteronormative - hence the furore about gay marriage) is the 'right' way to do things?

It's cool. Polyamory. Trans. Pansexuality. All big atm. It's a phase and I'm pretty certain it'll swing back to something approaching conservatism at some point. Can't say it's something I worry about massively, each to their own.

I don't think that polyamory has anything to do with fetishes, transexuality, or the erosion of boundaries. In practice, it also does not always consist in a throuple or people who are all in a relationship with each other. Some people have more bandwidth for romantic and sexual relationships, and want the intimacy and support without being tied down to one person. It's fine, but also it's important to know that it's not for everyone, and it's fine to say no.

I think many of the problems come from monogamous people (usually, men) deciding that they want to be polyamorous as an excuse to sleep with other people, rather than because that is the style of relationship they genuinely want. I know friends in long distance relationships or long marriage where the man has suggested this, and it just feels like he wants to sleep around. But people who genuinely like polyamoroy as a relationship style are committed to well rounded relationships with all of their partners, it's not about choosing someone to sleep with on the side.

Fucking hell, totally grim!

I always thought it sounded great in theory. Imagine having multiple adults to share the household drudge chores with, share childcare with and so forth. Heaven. I suspect it does not work brilliantly in practice though so never bothered considering it for myself.

I did see some of the Sister Wives show. That seemed a silly set up with zero benefit. They each had their own house and all had to do a full load of house cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, childcare (acting as a single parent for practice purposes most of the time), and so on. Why on earth they wouldn’t have lived in one huge house and shared chores I have no idea. It would have also enabled a better lifestyle overall as several pay packets would only been supporting one household rather than each pay packet supporting their own individual household. Not smart.

What do you mean by a push to make it acceptable

It’s already acceptable.

My DP is MY precious...no hobbit will come tear him from me for sharesies

See, I would happily share if it also meant that person shared the cleaning of the toilets. They could even have the greater share of DH if they agreed to solely take them on🤣. Not actually joking.

Wow, lazy stereotype much!? This is 2023, not Kentucky in 1969.

The poly people I know do have some things in common, not fat fingers though.

Generally the polyamory is instigated/ordered by the female partners, who are very much in control. Gaming plays a part, as does cosplay and board games. Relationships span age groups, time zones and geography. Not everyone is always happy, but that’s true of couple relationships too, and on the whole there is a lot more love around.

The most interesting commonality between the poly people I know is the fact they are all neurodiverse. I wonder whether having to talk about relationships (rather than let many things go unspoken/understood) is something that’s typical of neurodiverse people, and therefore leads to an open and more “rational” way of thinking about fidelity.

I do know of one successful long term thruple, wasn't called that then of course as we are talking starting in 1980 or so. How it came about we are not exactly sure but it was a married couple plus a woman and it was intimate both ways so to speak (found out from her diaries after the final person died). The two women were friends and we think they proposed the relationship to the man!

It's the same sort of dog whistle language certain sections of society use whenever things they personally disapprove of start becoming socially acceptable.

See their other greatest hits: "it'll practically be compulsory soon", "the next thing they'll do is make being straight / monogamous illegal", "when is straight / white pride day" and "what next, will I be allowed to marry my cat?".

Meh. People can do relationships however they want, as long as everyone's of legal age, there's total consent, no coercion, and equality across the various individuals concerned.

I don't see a problem with people looking beyond stereotypes of 'normal' in terms of relationships.

That said, if you don't want to be in a polyamorous relationship, don't get into one. The choice is yours, etc.

Yes, it always strikes me as something for people who don't have a lot else going on in their lives outside their romantic relationships. I'm not unacquainted with polyamory, although from friends rather than personal experience, and while I can see how students could go for it, I genuinely don't understand how people with proper jobs / commutes / families / friends / hobbies / pets / aging parents etc etc can have the time for more than one relationship. Love may be infinite. Time, annual leave and disposable income are very much not.

The most interesting commonality between the poly people I know is the fact they are all neurodiverse

I'm neurodiverse (ASD diagnosis) and I'd wonder if simply being easily influenced wasn't as much of a factor at play, particularly the younger ones, in a similar way to ND young people being hugely over-represented in wanting to be trans.

It's definitely not for me - my black and white thinking is very present when it comes to relationships and monogamy.