Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

This thread is bonkers!

You have a little thief of a boyfriend that wants to stay in your house whilst you're away and potentially bring his parents along and a daughter whom you can't say No to because you don't want to lose her.

So where do you go from her OP?

Do you understand how ridiculous this all sounds?

Whatever you'd have done with pets while you were away, sort it now, ie arrange to get someone into feed or get them booked into animal care - I'd do this on the basis you couldn't possibly put BF to so much trouble, especially as DD has planned something so nice for you.

If you can't get out of BF staying, certainly wouldn't be leaving much in the way of food in - freezer run down, empty cupboards (with order due for your return!)

Sorry I didn’t see your last thread and advanced search isn’t working. So apologies if I’m repeating what’s already been said. Surely as your daughter’s an adult either she should have seen or it been pointed out that from what I can gather your hospitality has been abused. Why on earth wouldn’t you say something?

I don't know what you do, OP. Send the dogs to kennels and change the locks so he can't get in? Or sit him down and tell him that this is not a second home for him: that you will only have him to stay when you are there — and presumably cause a fallout between you and your daughter.

We have a similar problem. A young and distantly related young man from Australia who's come to the UK for a couple years and came to stay with us last year for a 'couple of days'. I had to buy him a bus ticket back to London on day 12 because it was clear he was hoping to hang out, living for free, till something better came up. He has told his friends and parents in Oz that our home is his country home in the UK and has announced a week's visit mid-February and wondered whether he could bring friends to stay for Easter. We've told him we're away and will have a dog-sitter in situ and he's responded that that's fine, he and his mates don't mind sharing the place with the dog-sitter...

🙄

"No, he cannot stay. The reason is because I do not want him to. When other people stay it's because I have invited them. I am not inviting your b/f, he cannot stay."

How has it got to the point that you are unable to stand up to your child's demands?

If the 'bases' comment was in a text message or similar i would reply to it and say that comment actually makes us feel very uncomfortable, we weren't happy with the situation at Christmas and we will not have it occur again. I would also be very clear that someone else will be sitting. And/or change the locks. This person and their family are a world of bad news and will continue to violate your boundaries and cause you grief until you put a stop to it.

It's baffling really

I'd be concerned that this BF has his eye on the main chance and for the long term too. It's quite possible he and your DD will marry which will open a while new can of worms for you. (Wills, inheritance etc). Once he's got his feet under the table...
So all the excuses set out here are fine for the short term (and I'd definitely change or add extra locks) but sadly there is no real substitute for you, and your DH, having a more honest conversation with your DD.
You don't have to be brutal but don't sugar coat it either. Tell her it didn't work at Christmas, it was stressful, the 'in-laws' outstayed their welcome and it won't be repeated. You are also no longer happy about people staying in the house if you're not there. It is not anyone's 'base' and it is very presumptuous to think so.
If you do allow your DD and DS to stay they cannot routinely bring other friends ( adapt as necessary) . If your DD says you allowed DS and his friends please don't be shy in telling her that they at least were helpful and charming.... (and did not steal, mistake or not.
And if it was indeed a mistake was it rectified, with a profuse apology? ).
Best wishes on this one!

I don’t understand why you say you need a strategy or anything other than an outright “no, we don’t want him staying there. It’s our home, our decision”. She’s your daughter, not your mother. No need for scheming and lying and beating about the bush.

You really need to nip this in the bud now OP. I take your point that he might become a son in law, but that makes it even more important you do it now or it'll get much worse.

It's also very suggestive that your daughter has booked this out of the blue. Doesn't sound like kindness to me, more a chance to get you out of way so they can use your house.

I'd not be happy with either of them tbh, you are being stitched up here. Question is are you going to take control or lay the foundations for being a future door mat.

Definitely get the locks changed as well. Your daughter doesn't need a key if she doesn't live there.

Surprised to see a lot of pussyfooting / excuses suggested here.
Just say no, and tell her why.

Why is he so desperate to stay at your place?

What did he steal?

Why can't you just talk to your DD?

So baffled by this.

I agree entirely.

.

Having now read the Christmas thread, I would immediately be suspicious that DD's boyfriend has suggested this trip to her so that your house is empty and that he is able to use it as he sees fit. Whether that is "because he needs a break" or something more suspect, there are far too many red flags around his past behaviour to allow this man access to your home while you are not there (I would argue allow him access at all!)

You NEED to have a conversation with your DD. Tell her that you are not comfortable with her boyfriend staying at your house while you are not there, as a complete firm boundary. Personally I would also tell her there were things from his past visit that have made you reluctant to have him as a visitor at all and that him coming again so soon is just too much.

Also agree with PP suggestions to get an extra lock and a Ring doorbell and to make other arrangements for your dogs during this weekend away. Do you actually trust this guy to look after your dogs and home while you are away?
What is the plan for if you come back to find that your pets have been neglected, your house disrespected and your possessions missing ?

I’d be honest. DD we love you and know you love this man. But last time he visited he crossed many of our boundaries including going into our bedroom, taking things that aren’t his and upsetting us with the way he spoke to your father. Given he was willing to do that openly we don’t want him in our home unsupervised.

This.

I'd simply say no, you're not comfortable with him staying in the house while you're not there.

If she questions it just repeat yourself.

You'll make other arrangements for the house to be looked after.

I don't understand. You were keen on going away until the idea of the bf coming to pet sit was suggested.

So you must have had an idea of what you were going to arrange for the pets. You've been asked several times what you normally do but haven't answered.

Just do what you normally do for the pets and tell DD no need for bf to be there.

Can anyone link to the previous thread please? Thanks

I don't see any way out of this apart from you having an honest conversation, sorry.

I'm pretty sure this was the OP's previous thread. It's still live and findable. Don't know why she couldn't link to it:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/4706608-our-guests-are-hinting-that-they-are-going-to-stay-longer-than-wanted-how-to-find-the-words

Say you're thinking of putting your house on the market and taking the opportunity of it being empty and clean to have valuations and photos done

This is it. Give concrete examples and don't back down.

Just read the previous thread. He sounds like an Andrew Tate disciple