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AIBU?

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Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Naunet · 23/01/2023 11:01

I don’t get this at all. Why are you so terrified of telling your daughter no? It’s not her house, she doesn’t get to hand it out to people as she wants. Get the locks changed, tell her you have arranged other care for your dogs, and if she says her boyfriend wants to stay, tell her it’s your home, not a hotel and you don’t want him staying there alone. If she wants to have an entitled little tantrum over that, so what?!

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 11:01

Dd has noticed that we are getting older and wants to spend time with us as a family . That is why he is not invited .

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 11:02

Cormakorma · 23/01/2023 10:59

Say you're thinking of putting your house on the market and taking the opportunity of it being empty and clean to have valuations and photos done

🙄

Conversely, decide not to be a giant wet lettuce, & just say "no way is your b/f staying in our house unsupervised."

Lougle · 23/01/2023 11:04

"Sorry DD, I know you know Dave really well, but we don't and we're not comfortable having Dave and/or his family staying in our house while we're away. If you'd rather take Dave on holiday, we'll completely understand."

Yesthatismychildsigh · 23/01/2023 11:04

GenAndWine · 23/01/2023 10:51

I’d be honest. DD we love you and know you love this man. But last time he visited he crossed many of our boundaries including going into our bedroom, taking things that aren’t his and upsetting us with the way he spoke to your father. Given he was willing to do that openly we don’t want him in our home unsupervised.

Fuck me! All this happened and you’ve said nothing to your daughter? And you’re still too scared to? I’m afraid I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/01/2023 11:05

The bf is opportunistic as his way of being . He sees situations from
the perspective of what he can get from them. He has stolen

Having read both threads it's obvious you need to sort out this terror of upsetting your daughter, but for a quick fix this time you could simply blame your insurers. This is actually valid as they won't cover for randoms being there when you're away, and your daughter can hardly say "Well they're not going to steal anything" because he has (and you should certainly say so if you've not done so already)

I'd also change the lock just before you go and say when you're back this was because of a key loss which you "forgot" to tell her about.
Very probably her DP will see straight through this - he might even get so offended that he'll drop her, in which case I'd say it's job done

Itisbetter · 23/01/2023 11:05

Just say no and deal with the fall out. Why are you pretending to be one person with your dd when you feel differently? You are lying to her. Stop it and behave like adults.

Seaweed42 · 23/01/2023 11:08

"Dd has noticed that we are getting older and wants to spend time with us as a family . That is why he is not invited ."

Is this what she said?

Gosh a child who notices there parent is getting older and wants to spend time with them? If she's over 40 herself then maybe it's a possibility.

Just how old are you exactly? If you and DH are both over 80 then maybe I'd believe it.
Why can't she come and stay with you in your house 'as a family' any time she likes?

It doesn't make sense.

You are either being bullshitted or softened up to be asked for a payout for something relating to DD and the BF.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 11:08

We are scared to tell he because she will not see what we have seen .
he stole from a shop when we were with him and she denies it . Therefore she may not be willing to accept or hear our reservations . His behaviour, apart from the stealing, is subtle at times and very hard to explain .. she will dismiss it .

we anticipate that he would get upset and she would think we are the bad guys .
I am aware we need to say no and call him out in future . Eg last time he came he commented on a book i am reading .. there is no way he would know that if he had not gone into my bedroom. I didn't say anything as i was so shocked . From now on we will question such behaviour , set boundaries and be ready for it . He thinks he can go anywhere in our home it seems .

OP posts:
courgettigreensadwater · 23/01/2023 11:09

Ihatethenewlook · 23/01/2023 09:49

Are you serious? Your DD’s boyfriend will move his family into your house if you go away for a few days?? On what planet would anyone think this is normal? Why can’t you tell her I don’t want your boyfriends parents moving in while we’re gone? They sound batshit for thinking this is ok. You sound even more batshit for not telling them it’s not!

This. Exactly. All so odd.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 11:10

We are in our 60 s. Recent loss in family has made her think I guess.

OP posts:
Pardon44 · 23/01/2023 11:12

YourGazeHitsTheSideOfMyFace · 23/01/2023 10:50

I agree entirely.

Show quote history

I agree as well

Newmum0322 · 23/01/2023 11:12

Tell her it’s a lovely gift but you’ve realised you agreed friends could come and stay with you for the week. You’ve spoken to your friends who have already made arrangements to visit and have said they’ll happily look after your pets if they can still come. “So great news DD, we can still go and we don’t need to inconvenience your DH”!

Then find someone you trust to pet sit

EmmaEmerald · 23/01/2023 11:12

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 11:10

We are in our 60 s. Recent loss in family has made her think I guess.

Made her think what?

the complete surrealness of this is making me wonder....cuckooing?

www.oxford.gov.uk/info/20101/community_safety/1308/cuckooing

Isheabastard · 23/01/2023 11:13

This is probably not a realisable solution but get a house sitter in and pay them extra to be objectionable to the boyfriend.

If he thinks that every time he comes and stays as the house when you and your Dd are away, he’s got to put up with some miserable shouty git, maybe that would dissuade him in the future.

There are probably some older women around (and men) who would be ideal for the job.

You may have to throw money at it this first time. Ie if a suitable person is not up to the dog walking, get dog walkers in.

Alternative ideas, get work done on the house while away, constant noise and mess. Disable heating, water, electrics. Back up plan ready for dogs to go to other people. Put up internal security cameras.

It may be that you have to accept that he won’t be put off easily, so each and every time he stays there’s just another thing he won’t like.

Catnary · 23/01/2023 11:13

WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY DO WITH YOUR PETS WHEN YOU GO AWAY???

seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 23/01/2023 11:14

Cormakorma · 23/01/2023 10:59

Say you're thinking of putting your house on the market and taking the opportunity of it being empty and clean to have valuations and photos done

I have no idea why people suggest things like this.
It's not true.
They aren't thinking of putting the house on the market.
They don't want the bf staying there because the last time he invited his parents, they all overstayed their welcome and something was stolen which the bf said wasn't.
Making up a lie like this just means the issue is then thrown further down the line. In a couple of months the bf wants to stay again and you then have to think up another lie.
Also a lie/excuse like this just leads to the person involved manipulating the way round it.
"Well, bf won't make a mess and he can be there to let the estate agent in"
So you then have to think of another excuse why he can't do that.

The only way to deal with this is to say no, the bf is not staying there on his own this time, or any time in the future because there were issues the last time.

SiobhanSharpe · 23/01/2023 11:14

"... he thinks he can go anywhere in our home it seems."
Well, yes, because you've let him.
And he will continue to do so unless you say he's not coming again if you're not there, and even if you are there he needs to change his behaviour first. And then cite the reasons you've given upthread to your daughter.
Surely she's not happy with the way he behaves to her DF?

MargaritaRita · 23/01/2023 11:14

Has your DH any views on the situation? I don't think you have mentioned him in dispatches yet.

ScorchBeastQueen · 23/01/2023 11:14

I’d be honest. DD we love you and know you love this man. But last time he visited he crossed many of our boundaries including going into our bedroom, taking things that aren’t his and upsetting us with the way he spoke to your father. Given he was willing to do that openly we don’t want him in our home unsupervised

^This conversation needs to happen.

I remember my parents having open kind but honest chats with me about a LTR. they didn't push me either way, but just laid out what they had noticed about them and how they differ from our family morals. Life carried on as normal but I didn't put my parents in uncomfortable situations.

Eventually I could see that LTP was actually pretty incompatible to who I was and who I was raised to be. I'd spent years making excuses for his behaviour, until I realised he really was just a selfish, mean spirited, spiteful git that would never change.

Pardon44 · 23/01/2023 11:15

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 11:08

We are scared to tell he because she will not see what we have seen .
he stole from a shop when we were with him and she denies it . Therefore she may not be willing to accept or hear our reservations . His behaviour, apart from the stealing, is subtle at times and very hard to explain .. she will dismiss it .

we anticipate that he would get upset and she would think we are the bad guys .
I am aware we need to say no and call him out in future . Eg last time he came he commented on a book i am reading .. there is no way he would know that if he had not gone into my bedroom. I didn't say anything as i was so shocked . From now on we will question such behaviour , set boundaries and be ready for it . He thinks he can go anywhere in our home it seems .

It really is irrelevant if she sees what you see or if she agrees or doesn't. It's your home and you decide who stays and who doesn't. She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to understand it.

seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 23/01/2023 11:15

Isheabastard · 23/01/2023 11:13

This is probably not a realisable solution but get a house sitter in and pay them extra to be objectionable to the boyfriend.

If he thinks that every time he comes and stays as the house when you and your Dd are away, he’s got to put up with some miserable shouty git, maybe that would dissuade him in the future.

There are probably some older women around (and men) who would be ideal for the job.

You may have to throw money at it this first time. Ie if a suitable person is not up to the dog walking, get dog walkers in.

Alternative ideas, get work done on the house while away, constant noise and mess. Disable heating, water, electrics. Back up plan ready for dogs to go to other people. Put up internal security cameras.

It may be that you have to accept that he won’t be put off easily, so each and every time he stays there’s just another thing he won’t like.

No. Do not go to all these lengths.
Simply tell your daughter he is not staying. End of story.
Ask for the key back.
If she won't return it, change the locks.

Seaweed42 · 23/01/2023 11:15

You can test the real agenda by saying 'oh I've already mentioned it to Whomever/neighbour/SIL and they might come to come stay and mind the pets'.

And just see what she says.... if she's gets a bit anxious and makes some noise about that then you'll know.

If the BF is good at this, your DD won't even notice he's put that idea into her head.

Heartstopper · 23/01/2023 11:16

I don't understand the pussy footing around going on here. Just say you don't want anyone in the house when you are not there - perfectly reasonable and normal reaction in my opinion. Even if you ended up saying to your dd that you specifically don't want bf there alone as you find him a bit of a user, I can't see why that would result in you losing dd. Have you never been blunt to her about anything?

MyAnacondaMight · 23/01/2023 11:16

Agree with everyone who has said that the trip will have been a suggestion by him to get access to your house.

You really don’t need to make a drama out of it though. Just say his house sitting services are not required. He’s a (white lie) lovely man, very welcome when DD visits, but having him at the house unsupervised would be crossing boundaries and so it’s a no to that suggestion. You’re entitled to boundaries around how you use and share your home - so instigate them. DD can ask why, and be puzzled, but you don’t need to explain. If she’s not totally thick then she’ll realise why, but I don’t see any need to spell it out.

And get a camera for your front door (Blink or Ring or similar) while you’re at it…